Chapter 24 #2
“You’re the only one who knows me,” I said, repeating the sentiment she told me early on in my present circumstances.
I attempted restraint in my pathetic whine, weaponizing the only tool I still had left.
“It would surely break me to lose the regard of the only person who truly cares about me, even — especially — like this.”
Her face radiated pure triumph.
And though I hated every word that dropped from my mouth and every action of affection I pretended to, I too rejoiced. We had done it. Alaina and I had played her. I had no regrets.
“She gave me a difficult time about the key,” Alaina confided once I had been brought to her apartments and her maids and attendants left us to ourselves.
Despite whatever difficult time the tsarina gave Alaina, Alaina held the key up triumphantly and set it into the door lock.
“In the end, she had a duplicate made. Wise of her,” she said as the door swung open, “or I was going to have to bribe someone to get it for me.”
“I would not have blamed you if you could not. Up here is still a marked improvement over being in a public foyer.”
She held her hands out, palms down, and wiggled her fingers, offering to help me up from the floor of the cage.
I couldn’t refuse the gesture, rare and welcome as it was.
My hands swallowed hers even before the talons closed over them, and I didn’t dare give her any weight.
When I stood, she backed up, leading me out into her bedroom antechamber.
“I know it’s not the grand apartments of the tsarina,” Alaina said apologetically, “but I hope it’s okay. I can keep the fire going, and if there is anything you want or need, I can try to get it.”
A fire, that I had access to, kept going just for me, embodied the pinnacle of contentment in what I might ever reasonably expect for the rest of my life. My gratitude for her consideration could not be summed up in words.
“I appreciate all your efforts to make this happen. Thank you.”
“I need you to promise me two things, Kaylay.” Alaina squeezed my hands.
“You cannot continue to harm yourself. And, I know how strong the temptation must be because I share it, but please, do not escape the palace while you are with me. I fear you will be subject to more severe restraint, and I will never be able to help you again.”
I had not planned on either course of action once transferred to Alaina’s care, so agreement did not come at a cost. Just as she couldn’t leave me behind, I couldn’t leave her behind now either.
“I promise. While I appreciate the access to the room and fire, what will you say if anyone should find me outside of my cage?”
“That I saw no reason to cage you! It’s not like you piddle on the rugs.” Her eyes widened as she stared at me. “You wouldn’t, would you?”
“I should be offended by the suggestion except that you present a rather useful alternative to expressing my displeasure without having to speak to anyone. So I suppose it depends on how happy you keep me.”
“For the sake of my rugs then, I must endeavor to keep you well occupied and contented.”
“For the sake of your rugs,” I agreed.
We fell into embarrassed silence, her cheeks warm as she cast her attention down to the floor, my gaze also directed to the same bit of knotted fringe as she continued to hold my hands.
“I’m sure the tsarina wouldn’t mind it though if you told her I damaged several of your rugs,” I said.
“I will be certain to relate to her all the damage and difficulty keeping you in my apartments offers, just in case she gets it into her head to be jealous.” She released my hands and then wound the chain on the collar so that she could tie it up again.
“I did ask about getting the collar and leather bands removed, but she resisted me on so much, I did not want to jeopardize the victory of getting you up here by making a nuisance of myself on other things. I probably should have not asked and just done it.”
“I am grateful you tried,” I assured her, “but I am not disappointed.”
“I’ll be smarter about it in the future.
” She took my arm then and tugged me farther into the room towards the fire that called to me like a siren to a sailor.
“I didn’t know what you might like for furniture.
Your tailfeathers and wings won’t allow for a chair which I find the most comfortable for fireside sitting.
But a bench might work.” Indeed, a chair flanked the hearth, and a tufted gilt bench occupied the prominent spot in front of it. “Do you want to try?”
“Would you consider me ungrateful if I preferred sitting on the cushions on the floor?”
I couldn’t explain it, but I could no longer justify the luxuries of tufted benches or giltwood chaises or armchairs. They were not made for me. Perhaps I had been relegated too long to cushions and baskets to enjoy the stiff propriety of anything I might sully by proximity.
“If that is the most comfortable, then please!”
I extracted myself from her grasp and moved the bench away so that I could have the floor expanse clear. Then I moved her chair closer to the fire.
“Oh, no,” she protested, “I will sit on the floor beside you.”
“You just told me that you prefer the chair.”
“But—!”
“I do not wish to hear it, princess. Sit. You are little enough. Though I sit on the ground, we shall still be at eye level. Please.”
She harrumphed all the way to the chair, flouncing into it with a great heaving sigh.
And though I exaggerated about being eye-level with her while I sat on the floor, I did not exaggerate much with the chair swallowing her up.
She crossed her arms as if much put out by my request, her skirts a billowing cloud of fabric around her satin shoes, which did not reach the ground.
I sat beside her, snatching one of the pillows off a nearby chaise so that I could adjust myself comfortably.
“See?” she whined from the chair. “You’re so far away!”
We were not separated to the extent she complained. She could reach over the arm of the chair and touch me if she wanted.
“I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn,” she lamented.
“You’re a princess,” I explained.
“And as you’ve told me, that means nothing.”
“It means nothing when one speaks of something to stay warm, or having food to eat, or living in one set of apartments or another. But right now, it means you get the chair.”
“Kaaaaylaaaay,” she whined.
I crossed my arms on top of the chair arm and rested my chin on them. I stared up at her.
“Let me join you on the floor?” she asked again.
“No.”
She reached out and brushed her hand over my forehead and back through the feathers. Her touch, gentle and appreciative, did not elicit any of my instincts to withdraw as they did with the tsarina. It was illusory, of course, but Alaina’s touch promised safety and care.
“Pietrodillo is right,” she said. “You do have human eyes.”
That broke the illusion. I jerked back as if she had struck me.
“What was that for?” she asked.
“I’m not, you know. Not human,” I said, trying not to panic or bristle and make her regret showing me any care at all. “I am going to disappoint you if you think of me like that.”
“Is that what the tsarina does?” she asked, reaching over the chair to touch my shoulder. “Tries to make you a man in feathers? I don’t mean to do that.”
“I know you don’t. And I know that you’re far too intelligent to let a man degrade you by association were he in my state.”
“What do you mean?” Alaina’s brows bunched up.
I didn’t know what my point was, but not to address it would be akin to a lie, even if I would never be in a position to be Mikhail again to her or anyone.
“If I were just a man in feathers, you would want nothing to do with me, and rightfully so. A man does not elevate his company by wearing a collar and living in a cage.”
“Is that why you won’t let me join you? Because you have some notion that you aren’t fit company for me?”
“Something like that,” I confessed.
Alaina leaned over her lap and patted her legs through her skirts. When I shifted close enough to her, she sat back and patted her knee, guiding my head down to it. Her fingers played in the feathers, soft and deliberate.
“I do not know what I am,” I said honestly, her touch freeing my tongue. “Why not just let me be an adoring, if stubborn, pet?”
“Because even if you don’t know what you are, Kaylay, I do.” She bent over me and kissed the top of my head. “You are my friend.”