16. The Fourth Night Before Christmas
The Fourth Night Before Christmas
Scene II
[The Santa Court during close.]
Viola and Olivia clean their station.
For the first time, Olivia and I clean in silence. Oddly enough, we’re not cleaning any quicker. If anything, we’re cleaning more slowly, dancing around the awkward tension between us, apologizing with downcast glances.
Then, my phone vibrates. After a considerable amount of spiraling last night, I decided to turn it off ‘do not disturb’. I hate that there’s something about Mal that I can’t walk away from.
It’s a testament to how quiet we are that Olivia hears my phone. She eyes me as I freeze. A dull panic spreads over me as I know, I know in my heart who it is.
“You going to look at that?” she asks. Her voice is gentler than I would’ve expected. She must see something in my face.
My eyes meet hers. “My ex texted me. Last night. Late last night.”
It’s not an explanation, but it’s also completely an explanation. Olivia, of all people, knows well enough what a late-night text from an ex means.
“No!” she gasps. All weirdness is instantly forgotten as she drags her tongs on the ground over to me. “What’d she say?”
I lift up my phone, screen away from me. It feels heavy in my hand. “All the message said was ‘hey’.”
Olivia gasps. “Hey? Late at night?”
I nod.
“Any punctuation? Emojis?”
I shake my head. My phone grows even heavier, weighing down with the sinking of my heart.
Olivia whistles. “You should ignore that message. Whatever it is, just ignore it.”
I should. I really should. I know that Mal brings only heartbreak and deflation. I know that for every sweet word I get now, I’ll get five barbed ones later. I’ve walked this road before, and it leaves me lost and weary.
I don’t want to lose myself again.
I don’t want to expect people to look at me like I’m unimportant. Not after I’ve felt the sunshine of Duke’s gaze.
“I have to look at it,” I mutter. “We’re still… tangled.” It could be about the apartment or where the spare mail key is or maybe he has some mail for me. I hate that we’ve become so entwined over the years that I can’t break free. Especially when he’s had one foot out the door for so long.
“Do you want me to read it? I’ll tell you if it’s something you need to see.”
And how I want her to. I would, if it weren’t for the fact that I know Mal’s picture will come up in his text. Or, for all I know, it’s a dick pic. Or, maybe it’s another woman who thinks she has a missed connection with Sebastian. I don’t know how I’d even begin to explain that one.
“No, I’ll look.”
I turn my phone over. Sure enough, it’s from Mal. All it says is: I miss you. Covering his picture with my thumb, I turn the phone to show Olivia.
“No!” she hisses, outraged for the both of us. I can’t help but smile a little. It’s nice to know I have a friend who’ll throw aside our argument in order to rage against my ex.
For my part, I can’t say anything. In the past, this text reeled me back in every time.
He’d dump me, I’d spend a couple nights on Sebatian’s couch, and then we’d get back together.
Now, though? I can’t read the text without skepticism; there’s no way he misses me.
I made myself so small with him, that I can’t imagine I took up any space in his head or heart.
I was a ghost of who I am at Snowspruce. Here, I take up space. I am me.
“Geez, no wonder you two are always the last ones to clean up your station, you’re barely moving,” Valentine says as the guys walk up.
“Seriously, I had to mop the chocolate off the ceiling. All you guys have to do is pick up some garbage,” adds Curio.
The other guys continue to rib us, as Olivia and I return to our cleaning—with her continuously shooting me glances like she’s about ready to explode with the need to talk about the text .
That is, everyone except Duke continues to rib us.
He alone, among the jokes and the re-hashing of the day, looks serious.
As I clean, I can’t help but sneak glances at him. I’ve seen happy Duke, and sexy Duke, and sweet Duke, but serious Duke is new. Unsurprisingly enough, he’s just as perfect as all the other Dukes.
“Come out with us tonight,” he says. He doesn’t specify who, but there’s no doubt that he’s talking to me. He only has eyes for me.
Olivia takes a deep breath, looking all of us over, lingering on me. “Sure. Let’s do it,” Olivia says, although she eyes the boys somewhat warily. “I feel like we could use some time to hang, out of our costumes and out of our heads.”
She’s not wrong. I can also read the subtext: I’m going to stay with you to keep you from doing something stupid.
If only I could take her up on that.
“You’re for real going to come out with us tonight?” Valentine asks, clutching at his heart.
Olivia rolls her eyes. “Due to recent events and rejections, I realize I’ve perhaps been a little vain by assuming everyone is interested in dating me.” She shoots me an abashed look. “A friendly hang-out can just be a friendly hang-out.”
“So… does that mean I shouldn’t ask you out?” Captain asks.
Olivia smiles sweetly. “Only if you want our friendly hang-out to end at the Snowspruce woodchipper. My grandpa taught me how to use it when I was thirteen for…reasons.”
Captain blanches. “Ya, friends are good. I love friends.”
Duke is barely fazed by the conversation around us. His eyes are still on me, waiting for my answer.
“I can’t tonight. I’m hanging out with my sister,” I lie.
“Is this the sister that Duke was going on and on about?” Captain asks.
“Sebastian’s sister? I thought that he liked—” starts Valentine.
Duke hits him. “I’m all over the place right now, man.”
“I’ll say,” agrees Curio.
Olivia smiles. “I’d love to meet her.”
“Me, too,” the guys chime in, full of winks and elbows like the idiots they are. Except, I’m smiling, so clearly, they’ve become my idiots.
“Maybe some other time.”
Valentine holds up his hands when the other guys start giving me shit. “Relax. There’ll be other nights. It’s not as though the end of season is the end of our friendship. The Snowspruce crew always sticks together, you know that.”
Slowly, Duke’s eyes meet mine. “We’ll hang out afterwards?”
“You know it.” The lie lingers, choking, in my throat. In two more days, they won’t see any more of me. Not that they ever saw me to begin with.
Duke’s the only one looking at me. The other guys are looking at Olivia. “Are you seriously going to come out with us?” Valentine asks.
Olivia shrugs (I guess it’s catching). “Why not? I think maybe after my humbling yesterday, you’ve finally learned that I’m an ordinary person and can act normally around me.”
Captain doesn’t look normal. He looks like he’s holding back an aneurysm. It may be a testament to how far they’ve come, that he doesn’t fireman carry her to the nearest bar before she can change her mind.
“You sure you don’t want to come out with us, Seb?” Valentine asks. “No offense, but you look like you could use a night out.”
“His ex just texted him I miss you ,” Olivia offers.
The guys hiss and recoil. They mutter a chorus of ‘bro’ and ‘hell no’ in a funeral-like tone.
I fluster under the attention. Everyone, not just Duke, is looking at me.
Looking at me like they care. Aside from my parents and Seb, no one has acted like they cared about me post-breakup.
Mal got all the friends once we were done.
Although, I guess they were his all along.
It’s all too much for my weepy self. Tears prick the backs of my eyes. Immediately, the gang shuffles around to put me in five different versions of side-hugs and squeezes.
“Thanks,” I say, wiping at my eyes with the back of my hand. “I’m okay. It was just a bit of a shock hearing from him is all.”
I was going for lighthearted moving-on with that comment, but the way everyone’s taking it feels decidedly serious.
“Oh,” Curio says.
Olivia’s mouth drops open, as she smacks her forehead. “Of course!”
Duke stares at me with a thousand thoughts running behind his eyes.
“Did you just say ‘ him’ ?” Valentine asks.
I freeze. I did. I did say ‘him’. Yep. That’s something I said.
“That changes things,” Curio says, stepping forward.
“Does it?” I ask, my voice inflecting impossibly high in my still-Santa tone.
“Hell yeah, it does!” Captain says, standing beside Curio.
“It just seems like who someone dated isn’t really a big deal…” I start, not sure where I’m going with this.
“It’s a huge deal,” says Valentine, leaving Olivia behind.
Curio nods. “Yeah. It sucked when we thought it was that girl who cheated on you. If it’s a dude, though…”
Captain cracks his knuckles. “If your ex is a dude, we can do something about that.”
“Mess him up a little,” says Valentine, looking unsure about what messing someone up would entail.
I laugh. Or maybe it’s a sigh that escapes me. “You can’t mess him up. He’s not worth it.”
He’s not worth it.
“Anyone who makes Santa cry deserves it,” Olivia adds, smiling at me.
A chorus of agreement rises.
“Seriously, he’s not worth it. He’s just a lousy cheater, who’s never going to be happy unless he’s making someone feel small.” I pause. “And he can’t make me feel small anymore.”
I sound so confident when I say that. Huh.
Curio shifts. “We don’t have to actually beat him up. I mean, I don’t think any of us has ever gotten in a fight or anything. We could just insinuate that we’re going to beat him up.”
“By flexing lots,” Captain adds.
“And looking at him like this,” Valentine chimes in, making a pouty-angry face.
I laugh. “It’s fine.”
“And you’re sure you don’t want to come out tonight?” Valentine asks.