Chapter 19 #2
“I’ve never claimed not to be one.”
Bren strides toward the door, flipping Callum off as he exits the room. Callum waits until he’s gone, then sits next to me.
He takes the wet rag from me. “What happened out there, Lily?”
I fake laugh with my head in a fog. “Do you need me to reenact the entire thing?”
“No. That’s not what I’m talking about.” He wipes my forehead as he studies me. “You passed out.”
“Yeah, I know.” I push the cloth away. “You’re going to ruin my makeup.”
“Fuck your makeup.” He scowls. “Why are you letting Faith—”
“Zara. Her name is Zara.”
Goddamn, my skin itches. I scratch harder, but it doesn’t help.
“Fine, but why are you letting her get to you like you are? She’s got nothing on you.”
“You slept with her.”
“So what? It meant nothing.” He runs his hand through his hair. “She means nothing.”
“I’ve got a huge party to get back to.” I scoot off the bed, trying to get the hell out of here. “We can talk about this later.”
“I don’t get it. You never let anyone get to you like this. Not even when you overheard the bullshit Guns said about me.”
“Stop, Callum.”
“No. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t get why she’s the one who pushed you over the edge. I don’t understand it.”
“You don’t have to.” I brush him aside and stand.
I’m not telling him I suffer from panic attacks. That’s my secret and he doesn’t get to know that part of me. Not after…
I let my head fall and shrink inside myself. If there were a way to cut myself out of my body and disappear, I would.
He takes my arms and forces me against the wall. “Look me in the eyes and tell me what happened out there.”
I try to wiggle free. “My dad told you never to put your hands on me.”
“Out of anger and I’m not angry with you. I’m trying to figure you out, but you wanna run away and leave me in the dark. That doesn’t fly with me, Lily.”
“You might not be upset, but you still have a strong grip on me.”
“Yeah, the same kind that Guns had when he brought you in here.” Callum releases me. “Better?”
I wish I could say yes and mean it, but I can’t. I like the strength of someone else holding me up and taking control like Bren does when I’m upset.
And the tighter and more forceful, the better. I feel safe and supported when they do.
“Yes,” I lie. My nerves twitch and itch.
He palms my cheek and his gaze connects with mine in genuine care. “Talk to me, love.”
Love. How can he say that?
“How, Callum?”
“With your words.” He runs his thumb over my bottom lip. “Just tell me so I can understand.”
There’s a pulse between us that starts beating through the air. It flows from his heart to mine.
For a moment, I allow myself to feel it, to experience it. It’s love. Even if I want to deny it, can’t believe it’s true. It’s love.
How? Why does he love me? How can he love me?
The blood courses through my veins. My destructive thoughts get turned on again like the wrinkle-free setting of a dryer and tumble over each other.
I’ll never be her. My head and chest burn. I’ll always be second, a replica, and still the substitute. I lose my breath and tremble.
“Lily, baby. What’s going on?” His blue eyes fill with overwhelming concern. “Let me in, Lily. You’re not alone. I love you, so please, please don’t keep this from me.”
“I’ll never be her.” The truth spills from my lips.
I’ve never said the words out loud, not to anyone. And with one loving gaze from Callum, they just shed themselves from my soul.
“Livianna, I don’t want her. I only want you.” He pulls back and with a subtle shake of his head, his shoulders fall. “Don’t you get it? Nobody will ever be you, and you’re all I want.”
Tears press on the back of my eyes. I’m all he wants. I cling to it.
“Then show me. Show me now, Callum. Help me feel better.”
It’s wrong of me to ask, but I do anyway. I need to experience his truth.
His lips smash against mine. Our tongues dive and swim together as I paw at his shirt, pushing it up so I can run my hands over his skin.
I need to feel his heartbeat. A pounding that beats for me. He pulls away, tears his shirt off over his head, and throws it to the floor.
He steps back to me but stops. “I should lock the door.”
“Definitely.”
He rushes to lock the door and returns to me as he undoes the belt on his jeans. “You’re the most beautiful woman… A riff I can’t get out of my head, Lily.”
He just called me a woman, not a girl. Chills spread over my skin.
As he tugs off his jeans, I undo the hidden hooks that hold my corset together as fast as I can. I drop it to the floor and let my breasts be on full display.
“You’re perfect.” Callum stares at me in awe as if it’s the first time he’s ever seen a woman undress. Maybe it is.
He pads toward me as if he’s a lion. I slow it down and slip out of the rest of my clothes until I stand naked and bare before him.
“Make love to me, Callum.”
A conflicted expression floats over his face, but in a flash, passion covers his eyes. He picks me up and cradles me in his arms, kissing me as he carries me to the bed.
He lays me down. “Are you sure—”
“I love you, Callum Mayze. Let me show you how much.”
He climbs over me and our mouths mesh together. We kiss passionately and breathe in hurried gasps and pants as we grind and slide over one another.
The way he caresses me, my breasts, and over every sensitive spot is as if he’s caring for a delicate flower. Like a lily he doesn’t want to destroy.
I pull away from his lips. “Callum, I want you inside of me.”
“I want that, too.” He shifts to get off me. “I left the condom in my pocket.”
I grab him, digging my nails into his back. “No. I don’t want to use one.”
“But, Lily—”
“No. You didn’t use one with her.” My eyes bore into his. “You say you love me and she means nothing. If that’s true, prove it to me and let’s do this without one.”
“We can’t. You could get pregnant. It’s too risky.”
“But it wasn’t with her? Or you were just willing to chance it with her?” My insides empty. “This is all I want from you. This one thing, to show me you love me.”
“I do love you.”
“Okay then, I’m ready.” I circle my hips to entice him. “I love you. Show me you feel the same.”
His warm gaze connects with mine. “It’s gonna hurt, Lily, but I promise I’ll be as careful as I can.”
“I know. I trust you.”
He kisses me and pushes into me at a slow pace. The burn steals my breath and the pain is almost blinding, but I don’t care.
It’s transformative. I’m nowhere else but here in my body, with Callum buried deep inside me. It’s all I want, even if everything about it is wrong. Those repercussions can be dealt with another day.