Chapter Sixteen
Adrian
Instinctively, I knew Rip wouldn’t be angry, but I still felt I had to say it.
His smile was tender. “I doubt I could be mad at you, but talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” At my hesitation, he brushed the hair off my brow, his face filled with concern. “Please?”
“Okay.” I sighed, resigned. “After you left, I was down in the lobby, and your father approached me.”
In a second, anger and pain replaced the hazy afterglow of sex and peace between us. Rip flipped up the covers, jumped out of bed, and started getting dressed. He’d pulled on his briefs and sweats, but I put a hand on his arm.
“Please? You said you wouldn’t get angry. Don’t you want to hear what I have to say?”
“No, because I know.” Rip yanked the sweatshirt over his head, struck a pose, and lowered his voice to mimic Carver.
“You don’t understand. I love Rip. I wanna be his father so bad.
It doesn’t matter that I ran out on his mother and left her to carry the burden all by herself.
Did you know…” His voice cracked. “Did you know she ran away at seventeen to be with him and she was only twenty when he left? He was four years older than her. What kind of man leaves a woman alone with no support? I’ll tell you—a selfish bastard. ”
My heart broke, and I put my arm around him, feeling him shaking. “I know. And I’m not disagreeing with you. I told him it wasn’t up to me to talk you into seeing him. And I asked him if money has anything to do with him wanting a relationship with you.”
Rip nodded with approval. “See? You understand. So why would I be mad at you?”
“Because…” I chewed my lip, the information I was about to reveal torturing me. “I found out something you don’t know.”
Growing agitated, he threw his hands in the air. “What, Adrian? Spit it out already.”
“There might not be a legitimate reason for your anger at your father. Carver told me he left because he had a gambling problem and was in debt to loan sharks who threatened his life.”
“And?” Rip lifted a shoulder. “I mean, okay, that’s scary, but he was more concerned with his life than my pregnant mother’s.”
“Except…” I chewed my lip, knowing how the hurts of the past still tormented him.
Would telling him really change anything?
But he deserved to know the truth. “He didn’t know she was pregnant.
Maybe she found out after he left or she knew but hadn’t had the chance to tell him, but he swears he had no idea she was pregnant. ”
His angry face paled under the dark, late-night stubble, the news sending an obvious shockwave through him.
He put his hands over his face, and all I wanted was to hold him close and tell him it would be all right, but that was impossible.
Decades of hurt couldn’t be swept away by a few words or kisses.
Several moments passed before he raised his gaze to meet mine, and his eyes were wet.
“Why should I believe him? Do you? And even if it’s all true, I don’t care.
He still left a young woman alone to fend for herself and never once contacted her in all the intervening years.
Why didn’t he ask her to come with him? Maybe she would’ve wanted to start a new life as well.
The least he could’ve done was call her and let her know what happened to him, but when I asked her, she said she never heard from him. ”
“I don’t have all the answers. I’m sorry.” I put my arms around him. “All I want is to give you some peace.”
“You do,” he whispered. “And you have nothing to be sorry for. I’m glad you told me.”
“I’ll never keep secrets from you.” I yawned against his neck.
“Let’s go to bed. You’ve had a big night, Mr. Television.”
“Silly. You must be exhausted as well.”
A wicked grin curved his lips, and then he kissed me, activating the desire I’d kept smothered all these weeks. I wanted him again, and from the thick bulge in his sweats, Rip’s thoughts were in sync with mine.
He pushed me onto the bed, and I tried to resist. “I should check my messages. Rob might’ve called, and I’m sure Neil—”
“Later.” Our arms and legs tangled, and he pulled me on top of him. “Much later.”
**
The next morning, we drank our coffee standing by my small breakfast bar. “How do you feel today?” At Rip’s slow, wicked smile, I shook my head, but I couldn’t stop the flush of pleasure heating my blood. “Stop it. I’m not talking about the sex.”
He nudged my nose with his. “Why not? It was incredible, wasn’t it? Yesterday.” He licked a wet path down my neck, and I shivered. “This morning.”
Growing weaker by the moment, I sidestepped his seduction. “Yes, of course. How can you doubt it?” I could still feel him, and I’d have to figure out how to carry the ache of that pleasure-pain all day.
“I don’t. You turned me into someone I don’t recognize.”
I wanted so desperately to believe him, but that old devil of insecurity still sat firmly ensconced on my shoulder. “When I was in college, I used to imagine…” I waved my hand. “Forget it. This is silly.”
“Stop.” He slipped his arms around my waist. “Nothing you say is silly. Tell me what you used to think about,” he urged, holding on to me. “Let me in.”
“I-I never thought of myself as passionate. I was shy and awkward, especially with men I found attractive. And if anyone tried to talk to me, I’d stutter and end up saying something stupid.
” All those memories of my futile attempts at school to make friends came rushing back, and I wanted to sink into the ground.
“It was awful. After trying to go to parties a few times, I gave up and stayed in my dorm or went to the library.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” I forced a smile. “It wasn’t much different from high school, so I was used to it. But I’d imagine what it would be like with you.” My voice dropped. “I wanted you to be my first, despite knowing that was impossible. You were already playing hockey, and you were a star.”
“Who was it?” he growled. “Who was your first?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “It doesn’t matter.”
His lips moved against my ear. “Everything about you matters to me. You’d better get used to it.”
I turned in his arms to face him. “It was my twenty-first birthday. I was lonely, and though Neil and my parents called to wish me a happy birthday, no one else on campus knew. I was alone, sitting in my dorm room, listening to music, so when Kevin, my RA, came to my room with a little cake and beer, I was happy. Someone had thought of me. Of course I invited him in.”
Rip’s eyes blazed with anger. “You got drunk?”
“You already know I’m not much of a drinker.” I shrugged. “But no. I wasn’t drunk. I knew exactly what he was doing, and I wanted it.”
“You had sex with him.”
I faced him with defiance. “Don’t judge me. You don’t know what it was like. I was so lonely. He kept telling me I was sexy, that he’d always thought so. And I believed him. I wanted it to happen. I wanted to know what it was like.”
God, could I sound any stupider? A naive boy.
Rip massaged my shoulders, and I settled in his arms. There was tenderness in his touch as he caressed my face. “Baby…that’s not the way it should be. I’m so sorry.” His jaw hardened. “He took advantage of you, the bastard.”
“I guess, but I was okay with it because I felt like I’d finally been included in the special club. That someone wanted me.”
“It’s not okay. Was he at least decent to you after? Did he take care of you?”
I refused to sound as naive as I’d been that night. Kevin had cleaned me up, but I’d woken up alone. We never spoke about it afterward.
“Yeah, it was fine. No great love affair, as you can imagine.” Now that I’d bared my soul, I wanted to know about him. “What about your first?”
A faraway look settled in his eyes. “Hockey camp. I was sixteen. Jeff and I sneaked out of our bunks and went to the locker room. Got it on in the showers. Fumbled our way through it.” He laughed at the memory.
“Once I was in college and playing, you might not believe it, but it wasn’t so easy for me either.
I never knew if the guy was into me because he liked me or because I was a hockey player.
And our coaches were always on our backs about concentrating on the game and not girls.
” Absently, he stroked my stomach. “Guess they didn’t think there were any gay hockey players, but we managed to find each other.
I wasn’t into the party scene because I knew if I got caught, they’d take away my scholarship.
I didn’t want to upset your parents after all they’d done for me. ”
“They would’ve helped you no matter what. I hope you know they love you as if you were their own son.”
“Considering what you and I have been up to, I’m glad I’m not.”
That brought a smile to my face. “I’m glad you’re not either.”
“But honestly, I guess maybe that’s why I always went with other athletes—they could relate to my world.”
My heart sank. He’d just voiced my greatest fear. “That makes sense. You want to be with a person you have something in common with.”
I tried to pull away, but he held me close and smoothed the hair from my face, kissing me slowly, softly.
“Don’t. Because that would be you. I know you care about me, the person.
Not the hockey player. It wouldn’t ever matter to you if I played hockey or worked at a desk job.
We grew up together, we shared the same values and want the same things. ”
“What do you want?” I had to ask.
“The same thing everyone else does. To be happy. Loved. I want to feel safe and know that my home is my sanctuary. The place where I’m free to be me.”
We stood in my small kitchen with the early morning sunlight brightening around us. Rip’s encouragement gave me all the safety I could’ve ever hoped for, and I knew I could now make it on my own and forge my path because I’d been given the strength of his friendship.
“I’d better get going. Might as well get in early and see what Rob has to say about the show.”