Chapter 22 #2
“Girlfriend. Lover. More in the future. My world feels right when you’re in it, you make the things that don’t make sense feel alright and you always have done, with your weird logic and your understanding of everyone but yourself.
I’ve thought you were amazing since the day I met you and you lent me a poetry book, something so uncool but you made it seem the coolest thing to do because you believed in it - ”
“You never gave me that back.”
“Because I always wanted a reason to get in touch with you.”
I felt tears pricking at the back of my eyes and blinked them back. Had I underestimated him or myself?
“Carter,” I said, trying to compose myself because I wasn’t going to burst into tears at Harriet’s leaving party, or in front of him. “It was a signed copy and I’d really like it back.”
He looked at me, somewhat surprised.
Then I started laughing, his shocked expression summing up the last few weeks. His hands went on my waist, the first time we’d touched in days, and steadied me, laughter shaking his own shoulders, and I ended up being held to his chest, his cologne steadying my heart rate, my feet feeling steady.
Things could be right between us. Things could be okay.
“I’m not giving you your book back.”
“That’s theft.”
“It’s a long term loan. You can have it back when we share the same bookcase some day.” There was a promise in there which I recognised.
“I’m thinking more of a library.” But I knew what he was referring to.
“I like libraries.”
We fell quiet, words hanging in the air like balloons, unsure of which one to pop.
“I can’t change what’s happened, Rose.”
“I know. I know how much you’ve helped her.”
“I’ve not helped myself though.” He still held me, the warmth of his body making up for the draught coming up the stairs. “Can I - ” We were interrupted by a wild looking Fallon, who came to the landing, grabbed me, apologised and dragged me back inside.
“Speeches. I hope you prepared one.”
I looked at her; I was the rabbit and she was definitely the headlights. “I have not.”
“Think on your feet then.”
The room was falling silent, all eyes were on Harriet and someone had worked out how to control the lighting and stuck a spotlight on her, which I knew she’d be absolutely hating. Her name started to be chanted by the crowd, and she flushed and looked at me.
I shrugged, absolutely helpless and wondering what evil deed we’d done to be friends with Fallon who’d clearly instigated all of this.
“Okay, I wasn’t expecting this.” Someone thrust a microphone into her hands. “I’m a librarian, so my idea of public speaking is telling people ‘shhhhhh’.”
Laughter, which relaxed her. I felt my shoulder drop and became aware of Carter nearby.
“Thank you everyone for coming here tonight to see me off. I head off to Stratford-Upon-Avon on Monday, so we’ve got a day to recover before the journey.
It’s going to be a huge change moving away from London, where I’ve lived since I’ve been eighteen.
” She looked over at me. “I used to come to London for check-ups for a heart condition I was born with, which was where I met Rose, Fallon and Erin. When I was eighteen, I moved into student accommodation with Rose, and we’ve lived together ever since, so this has felt a little like a divorce, mainly because we’ve been having arguments about who certain books belong to and now have a custody agreement over the seven different editions of Pride and Prejudice, and the special edition hardbacks of Bridgerton. ”
Laughter filled the room. A few people glanced over at me. Carter was standing behind me and I felt his hand rest discreetly on my waist, nothing possessive, just showing he was there.
Anchors.
I talked a lot to my patients about having anchor points, people or places or occasions that grounded us, that helped us feel steady and secure so we could do the things that were brave. Carter had always been an anchor, just like Harriet and Fallon and Erin.
Maybe I could trust him to keep my heart mended after all.
“So this is a Big Thing,” Harriet continued.
“This is an adventure, and I can’t wait to start my new job and all that it entails, my little cottage near Anne Hathaway’s childhood home in the quintessential English countryside, and all the new people I’ll meet, but that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you.
” She looked over at me and Fallon and then focused on Erin.
“Some things aren’t held onto by space and time, and friendship is one of those things, so while this is a goodbye and an ending, it isn’t a final one.
I’ll see you all again, either here or my new place.
Thank you – this has been a wonderful way to end this chapter. ”
There was a round of applause and then the microphone was placed in my hands and I was pulled by Fallon over to Harriet, the room falling quiet in anticipation of me speaking.
“Like Harriet’s just reminded us, we’ve been living together for over a decade and friends for almost two.
It’s going to be a sea change, not coming home to a pristinely tidy flat, with the week’s dinners written out on the board on the fridge – mainly because she’s packed that – or to sit in the lounge together, both reading and only speaking when we’ve been completely thrown by whatever we’ve come across in a book because that’s the way we rolled.
Harriet was the first person I met in hospital and we spent our first afternoon together sitting on her bed, reading.
It was the perfect friendship from then on, only slightly disrupted with Erin and then Fallon with her dramatics.
“London isn’t going to be the same without you, Harriet.
It’s going to be strange not having you around, even if some weeks we’re both too busy to see each other.
But I know this is an amazing opportunity, and you’ll bring more to Stratford than you take, just like you do everywhere you go.
We will miss you – I will miss you – but I’m excited to see where this new chapter takes you.
” I raised the glass Fallon had stuffed in my hand.
“To Harriet, may you have more adventures than a Jane Austen heroine.”
“To Harriet.” The toast rang through the room, an old tradition continuing. Then there was more noise and more people wanting to speak with Harriet, so I watched from the side at the love she was getting and knew how much she deserved it.
“I hate speaking in public.” I turned to Carter, who had a drink I actually wanted him to give to me.
“You did fine.” He pulled me in for a one-armed hug. Friendly. “This is the start of a lot of change.”
“It is. But I don’t think I’m afraid of it now.” I wasn’t. I accepted it. It was time for a new phase. “But I need to take things slowly and not just jump into something quickly. I don’t want to miss out on that part.”
“I can live with that. Monday?”
“What about Monday?”
“Harriet will have left. Do you want to do something to take your mind off it?”
I shook my head. “We’re going bowling. Me, Fallon and Erin.”
He laughed. “I know my place.”
“Tuesday. It’s two for one on burgers round the corner from my flat. You can bring my book back.”
“I’m keeping that for now. One day.”
He didn’t explain which day, but I had an idea.
The idea didn’t leave me cold, not at all.