Chapter 17
— chapter seventeen
Evan could hardly believe it. At long last, he was walking home from church beside Leanna Mast. Weeks ago, when he’d been trying to get up the nerve to pay her a call, he’d imagined such a thing. And perhaps—perhaps soon—she would consent to walk to church with him.
Sure, the pair of them showing up together would cause a stir, but by that time, he would want that.
He’d be ready to look every other single man in the eye.
To show them that Leanna Mast was taken.
To make sure they understood that there was no need for them to even think about winning her attention.
Of course, none of those things had taken place yet. They were nowhere close enough for him to warn other men off.
But maybe they were one step closer to that day? He hoped so.
In the meantime, Evan decided to make do with having her by his side now. He liked how it felt. And even though she might not exactly welcome it, he already felt protective of her.
It was no wonder. After all, Leanna was such a slight thing. A good five inches shorter than his five-foot-ten-inch frame and probably a hundred pounds lighter than his own weight.
She was so very different from Rose.
Rose had been a hardy sort. Not much taller than Leanna but with a far curvier, sturdier build. She’d had full cheeks, bright-blue eyes, and curly blond hair. She’d been full of laughter and unafraid to boss him and their boys around. From the moment he’d heard her laugh, he’d been smitten.
However, a different set of emotions filled him whenever he was around Leanna. He wanted to protect her. Coddle her a bit. Be stronger, kinder, more romantic.
No, he wanted to be the kind of man she’d always yearned to have. He wanted to be the kind of man she could trust. Depend upon.
Evan wanted to be the man she could cling to.
The problem was that he didn’t know how to be that man without scaring her half to death.
When a breeze kicked up, fluttering both the ties of her kapp and the edges of the apron covering her dress, he realized she wasn’t wearing a cloak. “Are you chilled?”
“Hmm?”
He motioned to a pair of maple trees in the Hudsons’ yard. The leaves were flapping against each branch, holding on with all their might. “This might be May, but the breeze feels like it’s clinging to the last wisps of winter. I thought you might be cold.”
“Oh. Nee. I’m all right.”
“I could give you my coat if you’d like.” When her eyes widened, he added, “It will likely swallow you up, but at least you’ll be warm.”
“Danke. That’s kind of you to offer.”
He still wasn’t sure how to proceed. “Does that mean it’s a yes? No?”
She chuckled softly. “You really are a kind man, Evan. Thank you for the offer, but no.”
“All right.”
They continued on. Leanna, keeping to herself, and he, feeling like a clumsy oaf, struggled to make small talk.
But then again, discussing the weather or Bumble didn’t seem appropriate. No, she needed something else from him.
Leanna was obviously upset about something. It was evident in the way her body seemed to be holding itself. Tense and brittle, as though if she moved the wrong way, she would crack into pieces. Her eyes looked haunted, like she’d just received terrible news.
Or someone had upset her.
Evan didn’t think it was him. When she left his house last Sunday morning, it had been in the company of his two sons. She’d been adorably awkward. In the best ways. It was no wonder that both Jeremy and Russell had come back singing her praises.
Now that he had a little bit of distance from their assessing looks and curious questions, Evan wished he had been more forthcoming with his boys.
Instead of seeking their advice, he’d closed up like a clam, so afraid to inadvertently mar their mother’s memory that he’d forgotten that nothing he did could ever do that.
Rose would always be loved and foremost in his sons’ hearts.
Walking beside Leanna now, Evan wished he’d not only told his boys the truth about his feelings for her but that he’d told himself the truth too.
Finally deciding to be more direct, he said, “I was surprised to see you sharing your meal with Doreen today. Do you know her well?”
“Not really. She’s become something of a new friend. She’s a widow too, you know.”
“I hadn’t put that together. Her husband has been gone for years.”
“Yes.”
“I hope you enjoyed your conversation?” It was a rather drab question, but what else could he do? She was keeping so much to herself and he couldn’t read her mind.
“I did. At least I think so.” Eyes wide, she covered her mouth. “That didn’t come out right. It’s just that . . . well, I was surprised by something she said. It’s not important, really.”
“Everyone has some surprises in their personality, I think.”
Leanna’s shoulders eased. “I reckon that is true. Do you happen to know Doreen well?”
He was surprised by the question but answered honestly. “Nee. She and I have had no reason to talk much. Rose probably talked to her a lot, but then she knew most everyone.”
“That’s likely true. Rose was so friendly.”
“She was that.” Taking a breath, he said, “I was always the opposite of Rose. Where she was outgoing, I stayed closer to home and the farm.”
Now he realized that he’d relied on her to do all of the networking. Theirs was a wide and varied community, and he was blessed to be acquaintances with a lot of the population. The ones who were true friends were far fewer, of course. The number of women were even fewer than that.
“How did you and Doreen strike up a friendship? Did she come to the restaurant or perhaps pay you a call recently?”
Leanna’s entire body seemed to go on alert. “Why would you ask that?”
“Only because of your recent widowhood. Rose always visited new widows.”
“Oh.” She swallowed. “I suppose Doreen and I did meet that way.”
“That was good of her.” Still searching for the reason she looked so agitated, he asked, “I trust she is well?”
“I think so.” Leanna clasped her hands together. “Doreen, ah, is a rather forthright woman. Not in a bad way . . . she’s just direct.” She waved a hand in the air. “Anyway, she mentioned some things that I hadn’t thought about. I’m afraid those thoughts now feel prickly.”
He’d never considered that thoughts could be prickly, but he supposed that was as good a descriptor as any.
There were any number of memories that could send him into a tailspin.
After several seconds passed, he realized that she wasn’t going to tell him what the woman had said.
“Prickly thoughts are never a good thing, are they?” he murmured, mainly to fill the quiet.
“No. Not at all.” She smiled slightly. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to embroil you in my strange thoughts. How are you?”
“I’m feeling confused and concerned,” he said honestly.
“About me.”
“Obviously.”
She turned her head. Met his gaze. For a split second, Evan thought he saw the same longing that filled his heart. But then she put her mask back on.
When she cleared her throat, Evan knew that she’d decided to mentally push him away.
“Evan, I enjoyed spending time with your boys on Saturday night. They are good men, and their wives and kinner were just as delightful. However, I . . . well, I think you and I need to take a step back.”
“Step back from what?”
“You know.” She waved a hand between them. “From the two of us.”
Oh no. He wasn’t going to step back easily. Not when it had taken him so long to get where he was. “I thought we already came to an agreement. We’re friends, remember?”
“Jah, but—”
“We also live near each other and are in the same church district. We have a relationship.”
She looked even more flustered. “What I’m trying to say is that whatever this relationship is, it can’t be anything more.”
“My family is going to be disappointed to hear that. Everyone has enjoyed getting to know you better.”
“I like your sons very much, Evan, but this . . . this is between you and me.” Looking straight ahead, she added, “Maybe we’re like a piece of cake or an ice cream sundae or something else decadent. The idea of having such a thing all the time sounds wonderful, but in the end it’s not good.”
“I disagree.”
“Evan—”
“No, listen. Even though I don’t necessarily like pecans or marshmallows all that much, I happen to love Rocky Road ice cream. So much so, I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying it whenever I get the chance. Do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because if I’d never tried it, I wouldn’t know how good it could be.
Leanna, after all these years, we’ve finally gotten to know each other a little bit.
We’re finally spending time together. I don’t want to give that up.
” Ignoring the panic filling her gaze, he leaned closer.
“Don’t you want to find out what this attraction between us could lead to? Aren’t you curious about our future?”
“You act as if that isn’t a big step.”
“I know it is. But you’re acting as if wanting to fall in love again is wrong. I’m saying that it’s natural.”
Her eyes widened. “No one said anything about love,” she whispered.
She was adorable. Adorable and sweet. Vulnerable. And yes, maybe he should step back and give her space. Let her come to him when she was ready.
But he couldn’t do that. Not when he feared that she’d keep pushing him away.
“I’m talking about love, Leanna.”
Leanna inhaled sharply. Her lips stayed parted, and her eyes looked seconds away from filling with tears. “I’m not even sure what love is. But I do know that if we were to fall in love . . . ”
“And get married?”
“If we even thought about that, it would change our lives.”
“This is true.”
“See? You know what I mean.”
“I know that falling in love again would make me happy. Whether it was with you or another woman. I know that staying alone and only looking back at memories can be painful.”
“You sound so sure. You make everything seem so easy.”
“Because it is. Well, it is for the most part.”
She shook her head slowly. Regret filled her expression. “It’s not, Evan. Everything each of us does has a ripple effect. There are consequences.”
“The ripple effect will mean that I’m happy. If I’m happy, my sons won’t worry as much about me. That ripple is a good thing. What is your ripple effect?”
“That’s the problem. I’m afraid my ripples will disturb some things that would be better left alone. I’m afraid that if I give in to temptation, then instead of finding happiness and security, I’ll discover the opposite of that.”
“Which is?”
“I don’t know . . . that I’ll feel desperate and alone?” The lines of worry around her eyes deepened. “I’m sorry, but I can’t risk it.”
His heart was aching. She was hurting him. He couldn’t deny that.
But Evan was also human, which was why he felt increasingly frustrated too.
“I like you a lot, Leanna. But I’m starting to think that you’re exactly right.
You aren’t ready to believe in me or even to be completely honest. No matter how much I’d like to believe that you want to change, I’m starting to think that isn’t the case. ”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He laughed softly as they came to a fork in the road. “Believe me, I get it. The pain one knows can be comforting. Sure, it hurts, but it’s familiar. You can depend on it. Who knows? Maybe you’ve even convinced yourself that that pain isn’t really all that awful. I’ve done that too.”
Taking a fortifying breath, he added, “But prepare yourself for when you realize that no matter how comforting that familiar feeling is . . . it still hurts. It still hurts bad. No amount of distance from me is going to cover it up. Until you allow yourself to heal, it will always be there. And it’s going to get worse. ”
Unshed tears filled her eyes. “Evan, I’m sorry.”
“I am too. I’m sorry for us and I’m sorry that you don’t feel compelled to think of a better future.” He turned and walked to the right, the opposite direction of her house.
He left her there, barely seeing anything that he passed. He’d never been so glad that he’d chosen to walk to church.
This morning, however, he’d walked to church filled with the faint hope that he’d be able to walk Leanna home.
He’d even gone so far as to imagine spending the afternoon together.
Maybe eventually sitting on her couch by her side.
Maybe eventually putting his arms around her.
Pulling her close. Kissing her at long last. His thoughts had been dreamy and foolish.
Boyish imaginings in a grown man’s body.
But he’d excused those thoughts, wanting—no, needing—to believe that his boys were right. It was okay to love again, and at last the timing was right for him and Leanna to see where their attraction could take them.
Now, as he walked through an empty field, Evan felt his face burn with embarrassment. “Only thing worse than a lonely widower is a lonely widower with childish dreams,” he muttered to himself.
He needed to start focusing on something else. Anything besides what he couldn’t have and what couldn’t be.