Chapter 36
— chapter thirty-six
Something was wrong with Leanna’s side. Or maybe it was her lungs?
About an hour ago, she was resting, heard what she was sure were footsteps, and got rattled.
She’d struggled to get to her feet, caught sight of a fox, turned, and then ran right into an old pile of wood and metal.
It had to be the remains of an old wagon or crate, long abandoned.
Whatever it was, she’d tripped on the thing and lost her footing in the mud. Next thing she knew, she’d slipped, fallen, and landed on the edge of a jagged rock.
Somehow in the midst of it all, she had hit her side. Hard.
Had she bruised a rib? Simply gotten the wind knocked out of her? Whatever had happened, she was surely feeling the consequences. Every time she inhaled, it felt as if her lungs were fighting to expand. Therefore, her breaths were shallow and tinged with pain.
You’re so stupid, Leanna.
Startled, she looked around. But no. Willis wasn’t there, belittling her. Reminding her of her faults.
She would’ve shaken her head, tried to make some sense of it, if she didn’t have such a terrible headache already.
What was wrong with her? Why had she heard Willis’s voice?
“Gott, am I dying?” she asked. She hated to sound so negative, but she honestly wasn’t sure if that was the case. If she was on death’s door . . . shouldn’t she be doing something? Preparing herself? Praying for forgiveness?
You aren’t dying, Leanna. You are living.
“Is this living, though?” she asked her imaginary voice. “All those years when I was with Willis, when I dreamed of living, it wasn’t this.”
You dreamed of living, Leanna. You prayed for that.
Whether it was her conscience reminding her of the past or the Lord’s own voice, Leanna couldn’t deny its truth.
She surely had dreamed of living a full life.
She’d prayed to one day feel something beyond acceptance. She’d prayed to feel alive and happy. To feel things. To have hope.
And yes, she supposed, pain. One couldn’t have hope without desolation, happiness without feeling sad, excitement without boredom. Or pleasure without pain.
“What do I do now? I promise, I’m getting all the feels now, Lord. I hurt and I’m tired and I’m scared. Sorry, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”
Where is your hope?
That question brought in a rush of air. A stark, piercing acknowledgment that she was holding on to all the bad things and ignoring the good ones. Hope was certainly one of those.
Hope, faith, forgiveness, love.
Those were the things she needed to remember. To concentrate on feeling. To hold close and near her heart.
“All right. Nee. I mean, you are right. I’ll do better. Even though you are my imaginary voice, I will listen to you. At the moment, I think you make a whole lot more sense than I do.”
Leanna forced herself to relax. To think of Doreen and all the other women she’d met at the meetings. Thought of the many times they’d brought her happiness over the last few months. She’d laughed harder and smiled more than she had in years.
And then there was Evan. His kindness and his sincerity. His beautiful family and the way they’d accepted her as part of it. Of the way Evan had looked at her when they were alone. Like she was pretty. Like she was special. Like she was worthy of his love.
“You shouldn’t have cared so much about having a baby,” she told herself. “You acted like a child was going to be your saving grace. You lost Evan for a dream that you don’t even know is possible.”
She inhaled, winced at the sharp, needle-like pangs stinging her side. “You could have had his love if you hadn’t been so greedy.” She forced herself to lean against the tree. Allowed herself to close her eyes again.
She felt tears form in her eyes. “I made so many mistakes. I’m sorry, Lord. I wish I would have been better.”
Stop regretting. Start listening.
She was getting pretty tired of this know-it-all voice. “Listening to what?” she mumbled. “There’s nothing—”
“Leanna! Leanna! Can you hear me?”
It sounded like a man’s voice. She blinked. Forced herself to realize that it was a real person. But was it safe? Should she answer? Her brain was so foggy, she wasn’t sure.
“Leanna, it’s me! Evan! And Russell.”
“And Becca and Jeremy!” a girl called out from a different direction. “We’re all here!”
“Leanna, answer us!”
Evan had come. Evan and his beautiful, wonderful family. “I’m here,” she whispered.
The unmistakable sound of footsteps crunching on the forest floor jarred her. Real people were here. Looking for her.
“Leanna?” It was a different voice, but it almost sounded familiar.
And he sounded concerned. “Leanna! Say something, please. This is Jeremy, Leanna! We got Bumble! We took him home, and he’s slowly tearing up our whole house.
He needs you. Come on. Say something! My daed’s been awful to be around ’cause he’s been so worried. Please answer!”
“I’m here,” she said. Taking a deep breath, she ignored her protesting lungs. “Here!” she called out. “I’m here!”
She sat up. Took a deeper breath. “I’m here! Here I am!”
“We hear you! Keep going! Say something more!”
“We’re coming closer. Just keep talking,” another voice said.
“I’m here! Here!”
Footsteps increased. More noise. People were talking to each other. Maybe on their phones?
And then, through her bleary eyes, she saw a form. The body of a man. Large and capable. “Evan,” she whispered.
“Jah. It’s me.”
She blinked up at him. Tried to reach out. She needed to touch him. “I’m here,” she said.
He smiled. “Yes, you are.” Kneeling down by her side, he reached for her. “Oh, sweetheart. You poor thing. We’re getting you help. Russell?”
“On it, Daed.”
“Leanna, can you move?”
“Jah. But I hurt.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll take it from here.” Pulling her into his arms, he added, “You made it, Leanna. You survived. You’re such a brave, brave woman. Relax now. I’ve got you. I’m here.”
Closing her eyes, she felt Evan press his lips to her cheek. Brush her temple. “Thank you, God,” he whispered.
Thank you, God, she silently told the Lord.
And then, at long last, she finally eased.