12. Bleeding Love
12
Bleeding Love
Amelia
S amira taps her watch. That’s my ten-minute warning to get my shit together because we are heading out for lunch. A new Brazilian street food stand has opened around the corner and we want to give it a try.
I open the attachment to an email from the finance team. It’s an invoice for my approval. I quickly scan over the page. The logo doesn’t look familiar. When I get to the description of services I stop. Analysis of the security situation in Balochistan. I didn’t order that.
“That, that—” I blow out hard because I can’t find a word that is appropriate for the open plan office. My outburst draws Samira’s attention.
“Everything okay?”
“Richard,” I hiss. Samira rolls her eyes but doesn’t ask for details. She knows that whatever he’s done I am most likely in the right.
I can’t believe he just went ahead and ordered an analysis. I told him no. But not with me my friend, not with me. I hit the reply button on the email.
I grin to myself and grab my handbag. Now I deserve a nice lunch.
“O h, fuck this is amazing,” I moan taking another bite of my sandwich.
“I see dark times ahead for our bank accounts,” Samira grins. I can only nod as I devour another piece of the chicken delight.
“So, are you ever going to tell me about your date with the pleasure dom?” So far I have managed to dodge her questions not only because I still blush when I think of the phone call, but also because I don’t want to relive Ben and my past. As luck has had it, she was on annual leave until now which offered me some reprieve. I should have known that I wouldn’t get away with it forever.
“Not much to say,” I shrug. Liar!
“Well, so far all I know from your very cryptic message is that it’s someone you know from your youth.”
“We dated in our twenties.” I mumble before stuffing my mouth with more bread. Samira stops chewing and stares at me.
“And he didn’t tell you before you met?” Her eyes narrow.
“No, he… well, our relationship didn’t end well and he wanted an opportunity to talk to me. He knew I wouldn’t turn up if he’d told me who he was.”
“And? Oh my god, don’t make me drag every crumb of information out of you.”
“And… we chatted. We talked about what happened. He apologised. And that was it. Kind of.”
“Kind of? There’s more?”
“No—”
“Amelia,” a familiar voice interrupts me. Miranda waves from across the street before looking left and right and quickly crossing. Oh, great!
“Hey,” I greet her with a kiss on the cheek. “Miranda, you remember Samira?”
“Oh yes, hi,” she smiles at Samira before taking a seat. “I’m sorry to interrupt your lunch. I was about to call you tonight and now I might as well tell you here.” She fishes a chip from my paper plate. “Stress eating,” she explains before stuffing it in her mouth. “So, Ben is back.”
Two things happen at once at Miranda’s words: my cheeks heat up and Samira stiffens in her seat.
“She had a date with him,” Samira suddenly blurts out, making both me and Miranda snap our heads towards her. Miranda's eyes widen in surprise, whilst I shoot Samira a disapproving look
“You… you had a date with Ben?” Miranda looks stunned.
“It’s not what it sounds like. He contacted me via the app Bea set up and—”
“But you hate him! I came to give you a heads up that Sim-Sim has invited him to the wedding and you’ve been dating him all along? Amelia! Can I remind you how much he hurt you?”
I guess that’s fair. She’s right, of course she is right. However, a persistent little voice in the depths of my mind insists that this time, things might be different.
“He’s changed.” I mumble causing both Samira and Miranda to laugh. Since when are they on the same side?
“Amelia! You’re forty-one years old. When will you grow up? People don’t change.”
“Now that’s a lot of bullshit. As you just pointed out yourself, people grow up .” Ha, that’s a point for me. “Besides, we’re not dating. We went for dinner, nothing else.” Liar ! Immediately my cheeks burn.
Miranda gives me a suspicious look. “So, I don’t need to worry that you’ll cause a scene at the wedding?”
“I don’t cause scenes.” I put the last word in air quotes. I am anything but a scene maker.
“What I meant is you acting like a lunatic because you’re trying to avoid him.” Oh, okay, that does sound like me.
“No. Ben and I spoke. We’re good.”
“Okay. Excellent,” Miranda grins and nibbles on another of my chips. “I have a favour to ask, though. My cousin Peter has no date. Can I put him on the table with you so he has someone to talk to?” Now it’s my turn to narrow my eyes.
“Is that a set up?”
“No!” she replies way too quickly and her tone makes me suspicious.
“It is a set up,” Samira mouths to me and grins.
“Please?” Miranda pleads.
“Fine.” I really have to learn to say no.
“Wait, why was Ben on that kink app?” Miranda sits up and leans forward.
“He’s a pleasure dom,” Samira smirks.
“I don’t know what that is,” Miranda replies.
“He puts a woman’s pleasure first.” Samira explains.
“Sounds like a pickup line to me.”
“That’s what I said,” Samira exclaims and holds out a hand for a high five. I’m not sure how much I like them becoming friends and ganging up on me.
“Okay, I need to hear more,” Miranda stares at me.
“Sorry, can’t do, we have to go back to work.” I’ve never been more eager to get back to work.
“Fine. But I really want to know the whole story. I’ll call you and we meet up for coffee.” Miranda picks up her handbag from where she placed it on the floor.
“Okay.” What else can I say?
I pull my phone from my jacket pocket as the train rolls through the outskirts of London. I have another message from Ben.
Ben
How has your day been?
He has texted me a few times and I’ve ignored all of them. Every time I have convinced myself that there is nothing wrong with what we are doing, doubt sets in again.
That phone call was something else. It’s crazy to think that I let him talk me into it but in that moment, it felt… right. It's hard to articulate, but it didn't feel odd or weird; instead I felt safe. It was like something I’d been looking for. I can’t describe the thrill it gave me to call Ben “sir”.
I have wondered if it was Ben or if it was just the submissive thing that made it feel so right for me. Truth is that I can’t imagine doing this with some stranger, some random person who I didn’t know. The fact that Ben was familiar definitely helped.
But then where is this going? I’m an analytical person. Whatever happens in my life, my brain will immediately create possible scenarios on where this could lead and all the issues that could come up. But with this situation I can’t imagine what could happen next because I have zero experience with it. It’s not a normal, everyday situation and I can’t see an end point. And that scares me. It makes me feel out of control. I can handle normal situations. You meet a guy on a date and there are two outcomes, you fall for him or not. You start a relationship or you don’t. But Ben and I know we won’t start a relationship. How can we? So, what, we are friends with kinky benefits? And what if he meets someone and has to cut me off? What if he wants kinky stuff I don’t want?
But what if it does work out this time. What if we kind of rekindle the feelings for each other again? Oh, here is my inner optimist again, painting rosy scenario of a fairy tale ending.
Argh, I’m so confused. I close my messaging app again. Until I have some clarity in my head there’s no point in texting him.
Now I just need to ignore that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That longing to hear his voice.