37
Once we make it to the rooms, Cole is the first to start to walk towards his bed. But before he does, he turns to face us walking backwards.
“Well that was enough drama for me for one night, so I’m going to go to sleep. I’ll see you both in the morning.” He says with a pointed look at Xander and I.
“Goodnight Cole.” I reply brightly and smile up at him.
He winks at me before turning and walking into his room.
I sigh softly and look back to find Xander staring at me. Though I’m still not able to pick out what it is in his eyes. There’s a soft rage mixing with his blue irises and something else lurking just beneath the surface. I’m still studying his eyes when he finally opens his mouth to speak.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks gently.
I scoff at him, my anger at Raylin’s comments still there, working its way back up. Like it’s begging to be redirected to someone else.
“I thought you’d just say get over yourself and focus on the mission.” I bite out at him.
Xander had seemed so intent on not talking about Raylin on the way back to our rooms.
He’d been so quick to jump on my one comment about our purpose here.
Like he needed the distraction, like talking about my ex was entirely unimportant and he needed to get out of that conversation as soon as possible.
Xander looks almost hurt for a second before he quickly recovers.
“Am I not allowed to ask you if you’re okay?”
There’s a slight edge to his voice. I'd struck a nerve without realising.
“Only if you actually care for my answer.” I bite back.
“More than you know.” He says quietly, almost to himself.
It takes me a second to register the meaning in his words.
My heart starts beating faster and I’m about to reply when he cuts me off.
“Why did you deny Raylin?” He asks sternly.
My brows crease, stunned by the sudden question, especially after his confession. It practically gives me whiplash.
“What?” I ask him, my voice too quiet.
“You heard me, love.” Xander says softly, toning down his anger ever so slightly.
“I said no for many reasons.” I answer defensively, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Name one.” He says bluntly as he slides his hands into his pockets.
“The Agency.” I reply, my words just as short, an edge coming to my tone as I get more frustrated with him.
“I can’t ever leave. It wouldn’t have been fair to him.” I add, exasperation starting to creep up.
“Why?” Xander pushes, stalking towards me, “you’re a trained assassin and you can turn invisible, of course you could leave.”
I stare at him, death in my eyes. He’s pushing into dangerous territory and he doesn’t even know it. He’s trying to pry his way into the truth behind my entire life. The truth that I can’t and won’t tell anyone.
“I couldn’t leave.” Is all I offer in response.
“Why?” He says again, still pushing. Much further than he normally does.
Thoughts of Abigail flash through my mind, but I don’t dare speak her name. Nor do I tell him that the reason I can’t ever leave the Agency is because of Abigail and the threat to her life. The promise I made all those years ago, the promise I have to keep for the rest of my life.
“Why are you pushing this?” I ask, my voice breaking ever so slightly as my anger turns into something new.
This isn’t like him, Xander never pushes me this much.
“Because I have to know!” He exclaims getting frustrated as he flings his hands out of his pockets. I’ve never seen him so unsettled, least of all with me.
I note his hands, clenching into fists at his sides. The hands he uses to read people’s minds, to see their intentions, to know that he can trust them.
“You wish you could use your power on me, don’t you?”
The realisation stabs through my chest like a dull blade.
“You wish it worked, don’t you?” I demand, masking my hurt with anger. That’s why he’s pushing, because he can’t read me, he doesn’t know my full life, my intentions, my reasons.
“No.”
I don’t believe him, I stumble back just a small step.
Xander swears under his breath, running one hand through his hair.
“I just wish you would trust me enough to tell me about your life. I’m done with the secrets, love. I want to know everything about you. Who you run from, what has happened to you and what you dream about.”
He looks up at me now, his blue eyes threatening to pierce my skull. The desperation that lies there is too much for me to handle.
“I want to tell you about me, I want you to care enough to ask. I want us to share our lives freely, without being so scared.”
He rushes over to me now, closing the distance between us with urgency as he grabs the sides of my face.
“I’m done with the secrets love, I want you to trust me.” He whispers, his voice so soft and gentle. I shudder as his breath meets my skin.
Xander’s admission runs through me, like the very blood in my veins. Sending my heart pounding so hard I swear it could rip from my chest at any moment. I want to throw his hands off my face, step away and run to bed but I don’t know how, I’m glued to this position.
My body betrays what my heart needs.
“There are some things I can never share. If we’re working together, I need you to be okay with that.” I say, my voice barely a whisper. My eyes glassy as I stare into his own, at the intensity in his blue eyes that I know mirrors mine.
He sighs and gently tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear.
The gentleness of his touch is too much, too raw and too real.
I can’t do this.
“I have to go.” I say, grabbing his wrists to bring his hands away from my face. My cheeks feel the cool breeze immediately.
I turn around to retreat to my room. Xander tries to grab me, to keep me there, to keep talking to me but I leave too
abruptly and he can only reach my shawl. Effectively pulling it off in the process.
I whip my head around, my hair flicking over my shoulder, leaving my back bare.
I see his eyes flare wide as he takes in my back, the tops of my arms and my shoulders, that I know share too much.
So much more than I could ever say.
More than I’ve ever shared with anyone.
Xander stares at the many white scars that surely flicker there in the moonlight.
I turn my gaze back around, towards my bedroom door. Not able to handle the despair that's etched across every inch of him. Not able to take his uneven breaths while his gaze rakes over the cutting board that is my back.
My shoulders tense more than ever as I walk to my room. Xander calls my name and I can hear him following me but I don’t dare look back.
“Maeve.” He says again, softer this time.
When I don’t stop walking, he catches my wrist. Softly, yet enough to stop me in my tracks.
I turn and face him, looking down from where I'm standing, partially up the stairs that lead to my room.
His eyes are wild with concern, anger and sadness. They glass over, like his emotions are threatening to escape.
“Who did this to you?” He whispers gently, looking over my shoulders once again and gently touching my lower back with his fingers.
I gasp at the gentleness of his touch, the warmth of his fingers on the scars that have never known a moment of that type of contact.
“You need to tell me, love.” He says, his voice clipped, like he’s holding back. Trying not to share the depth of his emotions, maybe even trying not to frighten me.
But I can see the emotion there regardless. Xander’s eyes aren’t holding back. I can see the tears starting to fill them ever so slightly, the anger that follows is the only thing stopping the drops from falling.
I tear my gaze away from him, the burning in my throat coming shortly after.
The all too familiar memories from the scars start to flood back. I will every ounce of the strength I have, to try harder to push them back down.
“There are many things from the Agency that I cannot ever share with you.” I say, my voice barely a whisper. It threatens to break as I look back down at him.
“Please.” He begs, urgency in his desperate blue eyes that continue to search me, unsure of what they’ll find.
“Please, just let me help you.”
“You can’t.” I whisper as tears prickle my eyes, begging me to let them fall.
I can’t let them. I won’t let him see me fall apart.
He’s seen too much already.
We stare at each other, devastating emotion shattering both our features.
“Why?” Is all he asks.
I know he doesn’t mean why can’t I tell him or why can’t he help me.
I know he means why did they hurt me, why did Erix hurt me. But even then I can’t tell him why, not without giving away too much. Not without giving away the parts of me that I can’t share.
So instead I tell him why I put up with it, why I didn’t just run.
“Some things are worth the pain.” I say with a strained whisper.
I break free of his hand on my wrist and finally disappear into my room.
Thinking of her, thinking of the pain that I endured every time I looked for her, every time I sought answers as to where she was or even just whether she was alive.
It had been worth it at the time, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I started to suppress the memory of Abigail.
For that, I will carry the guilt with me forever, for going so many years without even thinking about her.
I feel the tears flow and don’t bother getting changed before laying on my bed.
Hoping sleep will fall upon me soon.
And thus bring the nightmares, that are ultimately less terrifying than my memories.