Chapter 12
Raven was in a daze after the blood, feeling like a passenger in his own life, though he was aware of what was going on.
They went back up to the penthouse and found Jason and Heath still in front of the screen, not watching some documentary about castles and instead giggling and stuffing their faces with blood cake.
“Should we join them?” Maxim asked.
Raven wasn’t sure what the right answer was, but they were loud.
Well, not really, not objectively, but Raven wasn’t sure he could handle it.
They were having fun. He understood that, he just didn’t know what to do with it.
It was foreign, seeing them have a good time while none of it broke through the haze he was in.
He shook his head and pointed toward the guest room, maybe said something silly or rude or both. He wasn’t sure. The world was dull.
Regardless, Maxim put on an understanding expression and wished him a good night.
So Raven closed the door behind him and lay down on the guest bed without turning on the light. He didn’t undress. He didn’t get under the covers. The room was quiet, though unfamiliar, and he could barely close his eyes. He stayed like that for a long time, listening and aware.
He thought back to his childhood for some stupid reason or another.
I was supposed to do religious coloring books at eleven.
I think there was one image in there where they broke a werewolf on the wheel.
That’s not fucking normal. And then the one with the vampire that was trying to get into some girl’s bedroom at night, that wasn’t normal either. Can’t have been age appropriate.
He couldn’t keep himself from drifting back all those years to almost-forgotten interactions; interactions he’d tried to bury. The way the other kids had looked at him when he finally did make it to school. The things they’d said about him behind his back.
Maxim’s stupid question about when I met Jason is to blame for this. Fuck, if I’d met him back then—he was probably already tall in middle school, right?—if I’d met him then, maybe he’d have made fun of me too.
Raven mulled that over instead of the way his childhood had gone.
It crushed him, just a little. When he’d met Jason, Raven had been in awe.
Jason had been in the dorm before him and had started unpacking a bag, but the moment Raven had walked in, he’d turned and smiled.
It had been a beautiful smile, offered freely and not wanting anything in return.
“Hi there! You must be Raven. Cool name.”
He’d shaken Raven’s hand. In school, the other kids had never wanted to touch Raven.
“I picked that bed, but I can move to the other one, no problem. Oh, also, just to let you know up front, I’m gay, and when I listen to music over headphones, I still sometimes sing along. Especially to Taylor.”
Just like that. He’d come out to Raven like that and nothing bad had happened.
Raven wasn’t sure exactly what he’d said after, but he was pretty sure he’d made a stupid face.
Even now in this strange dark room, he frowned up at the ceiling over how much of an idiot he’d been when he’d met Jason, who was, above all, kind.
Who had apparently looked for him when no one else had. No one.
If I tell Dad but especially Mom I’m a vampire, they’ll blame me. If I tell them I’m at least bi, they’ll blame me. Why didn’t they come looking for me?
Raven let the tears fall. He’d cried before, but back then, things had been easier.
He’d cried when he’d been to the doctor’s office on campus, and they’d told him all the things that could happen if you weren’t vaccinated.
He’d cried when he’d gotten top grades on assignments and listened to Jason tell his mom over Zoom about his own—she’d been happy.
I still have those grades, right? What do I do with them now? No one cared to begin with, no one’s going to care now, right?
Raven had no answers, and he still didn’t know what to do. Just a month ago, he’d had a plan. He’d known what to do with his future. Prof. LeRoux had taken him under her wing, though heavens knew why.
And I brought…them to her. I did that. I…did that, what they did to her and her husband. It’s all my fault. I…I killed them.
Raven curled on his side, covering his mouth with a hand so he’d keep quiet.
He remembered all of it, and that was the worst thing.
He remembered what they had said and done, how they had laughed with wicked joy when they’d tortured and murdered the only person who’d ever looked at Raven and told him he was aiming too low, that he had more potential.
She was wrong about that. She should’ve realized it instead of telling me not to look when they hurt her.
He got up after what could have been ten minutes or an hour and went back to the bathroom, where he stripped and took another shower.
He took his time, scrubbing, rinsing, then doing it all over again.
And again. He washed his mouth out with soap, trying to get it all the way to the back, as far back as—he tried getting all the way to the back but couldn’t get as deep as he needed to to get clean.
When he’d been a kid, the water would turn cold eventually, telling him to get out, but here, it was him getting tired, when an odd type of exhaustion settled over him that made him eventually turn off the water.
He brushed his teeth just twice, then found fresh clothes. And ended up sitting on the bed fully dressed, only to realize he’d pulled on the clothes before even drying himself off from the shower. Moisture dripped all over his face from the tips of his hair and ran down his neck and back.
In the darkness, Raven looked at his hands. “I’m broken, aren’t I? I’m broken, and I did it myself.”
He still didn’t know what to do. Maxim hadn’t really told him, he’d just been vague. He didn’t send me to talk to the police either. I get that, but… I don’t know. I did that to Prof. LeRoux.
Raven watched as his hands began to tremble. Some shapeless shadow formed in his mind, like an accusing specter, like an albatross following him through the overcast night.
He was a vampire, and it was the vampire hunter upstairs who would come for him.
Perhaps he already has.
Raven let out a long, rattling breath as things fell into place. How Maxim had said he would make sure everything was taken care of, that he’d arrange everything. How he’d taken Raven and put him in this room. Close at hand.
Doesn’t matter if he has a kid or not. He can be not straight, right?
Yeah. Lots of people have kids and like different stuff.
He’s nice though. I think he’s nice. Maybe he actually likes me?
No, probably not. I wouldn’t like me. But maybe…
maybe I can get him to like me? It was nice of him to take me out, that was nice.
I liked that. He wasn’t weird or anything either, and that bar was really… clean. He was really nice.
Raven stood, his plan half formed at best. He made it through the door and outside to the hallway, knowing if he thought this through he wouldn’t be able to do it, knowing if he thought too much, it would all just collapse.
The screen was white, the static brightness of the projector illuminating the room.
Jason was on the floor, sleeping. His head was pillowed on one of the couch cushions, and someone had found a blanket for him.
Raven was glad. Jason deserved to have someone who found him a blanket and made sure he wasn’t cold.
Heath was asleep on the couch, his leg draped over the back of it in a strange, boneless way that had Raven worried to the point that he went over to check if he breathed.
Shouldn’t do that to a body, shouldn’t do that to a body… The words echoed in his head; something he’d whispered in Prof. LeRoux’s home to the entertainment and joy of Laurenzio and Daniel. While they had done things to the bodies.
He hesitated a moment, pushing the echo down, then turned to the staircase and went up it, hoping no one would wake up and ask him what the fuck he was doing.
They didn’t though. It had to be late. He should’ve checked the time, but he didn’t have a phone yet.
The upstairs was big. A couch smaller than the one below sat in front of a bookshelf, opposite a window, clearly there to take advantage of the view.
Paintings too. Raven wondered whether there was some sort of low, indirect lighting here, because even though it was night, everything stood out sharp and crisp to him.
He tried a door that turned out to be to an office, then closed it. The second room was a bedroom, the bedroom he wanted. He knew even before he’d really looked around because he could smell it, could smell Maxim’s scent.
Raven went inside and closed the door behind him. He saw the blond braid on the pillows, saw Maxim’s sleeping form.
So strange. Mom would be shocked if she knew he doesn’t sleep in a coffin.
Raven took a step toward the bed, then stopped, looking at what he was wearing. He began stripping. Maxim turned, the sheets moving as he did.
“Raven. Did you need anything?” Casual, didn’t sound sleepy.
Raven dropped his tee on the floor. “I… I’m here to… I’m here for…”
Maxim got out of bed. There was a moment there when Raven thought he knew what would come next: naked, pale form, erect, ready. Eager. Eager, eager, only stopping when they’re done.
Then the sheets slipped, and Maxim was wearing a pajama set, top and bottom, with cute little bats all over them. One of the bats had stolen a cookie and was flapping its wings, the cookie in its smiling mouth, eyes saucer big.
“Can’t sleep? Come on, let’s get you dressed. We can sit together or maybe take a walk.”
Maxim came over and picked up Raven’s discarded T-shirt. He frowned. “This is wet. Did you shower?”
“I…I’m clean. We can…we can do it.” He tried to take a steadying breath, but the air wouldn’t go into his lungs as he needed it to, something tight winding its way around his ribs. “You can…fuck me. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“Ah. We’re not going to do that, Raven. It’s not why you’re here.”
Raven wasn’t sure what was happening, but he started trembling, badly. His heart began racing. He looked at the door. Didn’t know what to do.
“Shh,” Maxim said. “It’s okay. You’re not in trouble. No one is going to hurt you. You’re safe here. Nothing bad is happening. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. Can I hold your hands?”
Raven shook his head, no. He started the motion, aborted it, then nodded, nodded, thinking, Hold me, please. Strange thought.
“Okay. Okay.” Maxim took his hands, both of them.
His were warm, Raven’s weren’t. They were shaking.
“Are your pants wet too? They smell wet. Shh, that’s fine, you’re not in trouble.
Everything’s fine. We’re going to find you dry clothes, okay?
Then we’re going to get you warmed up. You’re very cold. Okay?”
Raven nodded. He couldn’t talk. His teeth were chattering. Couldn’t meet Maxim’s eyes either.
“Okay. I have sweatpants that might fit you. A sweater too. In the walk-in. We’re going to go in there, and I’ll show you the clothes.
You have to change into them yourself. You’re not in trouble, Raven.
Everything’s fine. We’re going to get you changed, and then we’re going to sit down and get you warmed up. That’s all we’re going to do. Okay?”
Raven nodded. He was beginning to feel stupid. I did something stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. What happens now? What did I do? What did I break? Stupid, stupid.
“Shh, shh. Come this way. I’ll find you a tissue. It’s okay to cry, Raven. You’re not in trouble, and nothing bad is happening. You’re safe here. Nothing bad is happening.”
Maxim kept talking. Just as well. Raven felt too stupid to say anything else.