Chapter 13
“S-sorry, really sorry.”
It took Maxim’s vampire hearing to make out Raven’s voice amid the chattering of his teeth, weighted down by guilt and shame.
“Everything’s fine, Raven. You didn’t do anything bad, but you’re very cold. I’m worried about you being cold, and it can’t be comfortable. One thing after another, and dry clothes are first.”
Raven followed him into the walk-in. Maxim knew Raven might’ve followed him anywhere right now. That made it easier. It also made it worse. Nothing to be done about it. It’s all still fresh in his mind.
Maxim found a soft sweater as well as some sweatpants he’d never worn and put both on one of the empty shelves where Raven could reach them easily enough, where he’d not have to choose anything. Raven was still holding Maxim’s right hand with both of his, the grip tight.
“Raven? Raven. Lift your head and look at me? Just for a moment.”
Raven raised his head before looking off to the side, then toward the exit.
Maxim had made sure not to block it with his body, standing in front of the shelves and leaving Raven a way to run if he needed to.
Raven’s breathing was shallow yet rushed.
Maxim could see it in the way his ribs stood out with every inhale, squeezed with every labored exhale.
When he finally met Maxim’s gaze, his pupils were wide, eyes glassy.
Maxim smiled, forcing his own breathing to slow, to calm. “It’s fine, but you’re cold. Here.” He moved his free hand in such a way that Raven followed the gesture and would see the clothes. “Change into these. It’s not right that you’re feeling cold.”
Raven didn’t move right away, just tightened his grip.
“If you’d like, we could go out. Out of the house. If you’d like to move?”
Raven’s head came back up, and he met Maxim’s eyes and nodded. Adrenaline, the need to run from shadows.
“Let’s do that. A little adventure. You really need dry clothes for that. I’ll stay right here. I won’t leave, but I’ll turn around so you have privacy. You take your time.”
Raven didn’t let go when Maxim turned. Maxim wasn’t sure whether the young vampire was even fully aware that he was clinging to him, so he brushed over Raven’s hands with his own, gently nudging him toward letting go.
He did, after a few moments. The fear was palpable, even when Maxim wasn’t looking. He remained perfectly still as Raven dropped his damp pants and just stood there, maybe hugging himself. Maxim felt the eyes boring into the back of his head, but he did nothing, counting to five before he spoke.
“Get changed, Raven. You need to warm up. And you need to be wearing clothes if you want to go out. Let’s not make the nightlife in New Amsterdam any more sensational than it already is, hmm?”
Raven took the clothes off the shelf; Maxim saw it from the corner of his eye, but it was slow going. It feels slow to me. For him, time’s racing probably, and everything is neon.
“Done… Done.” Raven’s voice was the smallest thing. Like a soap bubble, the kind you went to the park to enjoy with sunshine and laughter. Breakable, yet shimmery, the colors promising something magical.
Maxim turned. “Good. That’s much better, right?”
Raven kept his head down, avoiding eye contact. Maxim didn’t think he was going to say much. He was hugging himself. Lo and behold, thus I find myself wishing for a hoodie to hide him in. No, a hoodie so that he may feel safe.
“Still want to go outside?”
Raven nodded.
Fresh air might do him good. Maybe it’ll be easier for him to breathe.
“We’ll have to find shoes. And socks. Come on.”
Maxim motioned for Raven to follow him, making sure to do everything slowly, making sure to stay close to the shelves so the door was always right there for Raven.
They made their way all the way to the door of Maxim’s room. It was when he opened it, when he stepped out and waited for Raven to follow that something else happened.
“I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry. I can… I thought… I was just trying to be…to be…”
Raven hugged himself tighter as some kind of fear squeezed his heart. Maxim wanted to do something—anything—to make it stop. Rationally, he knew he couldn’t. I should have found him sooner. I should’ve saved him. I should’ve… Doesn’t matter. I didn’t. He suffers for my failure.
Maxim forced himself to smile, smile like he meant it. “Ah, do you think you’ve offended me? Raven, you’d have to do far worse. For instance, I was once in a tavern—that’s what they called pubs before there were pubs in the UK. I’m speaking of a time before the country was united or a kingdom.
“In any case, I was having…ale probably. Everyone drank ale back then. I was having that, sitting at the bar and minding my own business, when this gentleman walked in. He—well, we talked, and he, being scholarly, saw fit to correct my French while at the same time complimenting me for speaking so well, near perfect with a few adjustments such as he was suggesting. I was somewhat irritated by that.”
Raven was caught somewhere between squirming and having his shivering trembles pick up again, but he was listening. He raised his head a fraction, but not enough to meet Maxim’s eye.
“Why?” he asked in that shimmery bubble voice.
“Well, Raven, I was born in what was once Gaul. Oh, such a long time ago, certainly, and I did not speak French as the scholar had learned it, but at least I didn’t speak it with a Cockney accent.”
“Oh.”
“And since you didn’t offend my old French heart, there is nothing I can possibly hold against you. Let’s sit there and put on our shoes.”
Maxim pointed at his reading couch, and Raven’s eyes darted that way. His nod was jerky. They went over there together, Raven like a specter of himself that didn’t know he still lived in a body of flesh and blood.
“Raven, if you’d be amenable, how about I run downstairs? Vampire speed has its uses for such nightly excursions.”
“They’re sleeping. Down there.”
“Ah. Like inebriated rocks, I’m sure. We’ll not wake them.”
Raven nodded. He was still hugging himself, looking lost.
“I’ll be back in seconds,” Maxim said, then sped downstairs.
Heath and Jason were indeed asleep, the two Lares nowhere to be seen, though probably still watchful in that way Lares had. Maxim worried briefly about Heath falling off the couch in his sleep but concluded that it wouldn’t make his son’s hangover headache any worse if he did.
Raven’s shoes were in his room, discarded as if he’d taken them off in a hurry to get into the shower. There were socks in his bag, and Maxim collected a fresh pair along with the shoes, then ran back upstairs with them.
“There you go.” He put the shoes on the floor by the couch. “I’ll be just a moment. Wait for me when you’re ready, okay?”
Another small nod, but nothing more. As Maxim walked back to his bedroom, slowly, so Raven could see him, he realized how dark it was, a darkness that would’ve been too much for humans. His vision is adjusting well, then. That’s good.
Maxim didn’t care to let Raven wait alone for too long, so he picked a pair of loafers, slid them on, and made his way back. Raven was sitting on the couch, crying silently. He was trembling so hard that he couldn’t do up the laces of his shoes.
“Raven, may I use my knack for bunny ears once more to help you out with those?” Maxim squatted next to him and waited for permission.
Raven nodded, letting go of the laces—the most mundane thing, but it was beyond him in this moment. Just like when he’d woken from the turning.
“There.” Maxim tied one shoe, then the other. “Good to go?”
“Yeah,” Raven said, his voice rough.
“Excellent. Let’s pretend we’re sneaking. Those two really don’t look like much could wake them up right now.” Come to think of it, I only heard him when he opened my door. He takes easily to being quiet.
Raven followed Maxim’s lead down the stairs, moving with less noise than a regular human as they headed toward the elevator, which opened with minimal noise too. It was when the elevator doors closed behind them that Raven flinched and raised his arm to cover his eyes.
“The light sensitivity will fade over time. We’re almost there.”
Raven tried to lower his arm, blinked, and kept it up. “It’s not so bad.”
“That’s the spirit. Really, a nighttime walk is much better than what we did earlier. Sunshine hits you much worse than this. You handled it well.”
They arrived in the lobby, which wasn’t as bright yet still slightly illuminated. Maxim glanced at the front desk, but Bryan wasn’t there, maybe intentionally giving Raven space.
Maxim walked toward the doors with slow deliberation. Raven followed him, quiet as a mouse—encouraging in terms of his vampire attributes, less so in other ways.
One thing at a time. And at his pace. Everything has to go at his pace.
When the doors opened, cold night air welcomed them; a breeze that carried with it all those little smells that made the city home, that made it noisy and bright but also a place worth being in.
As Raven fell into step, following behind Maxim, that thought brought guilt up to the surface like wastewater from a clogged toilet.
Did he come here, to this city, thinking nothing bad would happen to him?
He’s young. Of course he did. I failed him.
It’s my fault this happened. I am the one who’s supposed to keep this city safe, and I didn’t.
Maxim knew it wasn’t as simple as that, and he knew he’d done his best. He’d done his best ever since he’d first picked up a weapon, after he’d learned to bridle his anger. Yet the guilt was, in itself, a scar, showing the way in which he had healed from a wound so much like Raven’s.
“You’re…wearing pajamas,” Raven said.
Maxim shook out his sleeves. “Oh, yes. Do you like them? Heath gifted them to me.”
“Yeah…but we’re outside.”
A group of five was walking in the opposite direction on the other side of the road, their voices loud. Raven drifted closer to Maxim, who held the course.
Maxim tsked. “Raven, are you saying these are not fashionable enough to wear around the city?”
“…no? They look…good. Sorry.”
“Hush, I’m teasing. I’m sure it’s fine. You must’ve seen worse. I assume you’re acquainted with the city’s subway lines?”
And there it was. Maxim caught a flicker of a smile. He wasn’t sure whether it was genuine or just a muscle memory, but it was there, like a spark in the darkness.
Let’s breathe life into that flame, Raven.
“Yeah,” Raven said. “Yeah. I saw things.”