Chapter 22
I regretted my decision.
Late autumn in Massachusetts could get brutal, but that bitter wind coming off the water was damn near deadly. With each gust it felt like tiny ice needles embedded themselves in my face. But I only wrapped my leather jacket tighter around myself and stood my ground.
The length of beach in front of the house was deserted, not that I expected anything less. Someone would have to be out of their mind to be vacationing at the beach in this weather.
Hi, it’s me; I’m someone.
I felt like I’d been standing at the edge of the water for hours. I paced one way before doubling back, not wanting to go too far. I marched in the other direction before pausing outside the steps that led to the front door. My fists clenched in my pockets. Every muscle in my body urged me to run back inside and call James, but my stubborn ass couldn’t do it.
Instead, I closed my eyes and centered on that ache in my chest. Thinking his name made it fade, even if just a little. So I let myself daydream. His face came into view, and I relaxed even more. That crooked grin he gave me when I said something ridiculous made me smile. His red-tinted eyes sent a wave of warmth through my body despite the cold, intensifying when I remembered what it felt like to have his hands on me. They started in my hair, and I wondered if it would feel the same after my haircut. The tension in my muscles uncoiled with every inch his hands discovered. They smoothed over my shoulders, one grazing down my chest and stomach while the other wrapped around me, held me close.
Fuck , I missed him.
In an effort to push the pain away, I kept going with my imagination. For once, my fantasy didn’t turn sexual. I simply pictured James holding me close, silently offering reassurances as I worked through the confusing feelings that had taken up residence in my brain.
The bar used to be my happy place. It didn’t matter what I had going on in my life, I knew I could set it all aside when I was behind the counter. My emotions poured into the drinks I made, my anger taken out on the lids of the shakers. The sounds of the ice and the blenders were enough to drown out my problems. Somewhere along the line that all changed, and I couldn’t pinpoint when it happened.
Surrounded by the icy cold air, I felt nothing but James’s warmth. Nothing but comfort as I pictured my new happy place, one that brought me a sense of comfort I’d never felt: James was my safe space now. And for the first time, I allowed myself to feel good about it.
That cozy feeling grew stronger by the second, almost to the point where I couldn’t stand it. My skin tingled, and a chill zipped down my spine. It felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me, and I didn’t need to open my eyes to know what I’d see. My vampire had found me.
My first instinct was to run. Though, I was used to runnin g away from him, and now I wanted to run to him. To throw my arms around him, beg him to hold me tight—just like I’d been picturing.
I never wanted him to let go.
But I squashed that feeling down, along with everything else I’d realized about myself. And it made me feel sick.
“How did you find me?” I asked. Dark, heavy storm clouds had begun to roll in, and the change in the wind meant rain was inevitable.
“The bond.”
I already knew that would be the answer. I knew it the minute he walked up behind me.
“And Hannah might have helped,” he confessed.
“The same Hannah who sent me out here in the first place?”
“Unless you know of another.”
All I could do was shake my head. Well played, kid. “I told you I needed space.”
“You didn’t tell me anything. You ran.”
“Did that not say it clearly enough?”
“ No !” James’s voice thundered over the wind, and I flinched. I hadn’t heard him lose his cool before. “I’m not letting you run anymore, Ryder. I’m sick of enabling your escapism. You said you wouldn’t run, and that’s exactly what you did. If you need something, you’re going to have to use your big boy words and tell me.”
I tightened my fists until my nails dug into my palms, the pain a welcome distraction from the emotions swirling inside me—eerily similar to the storm brewing in the sky.
As the first drops of rain fell, I turned and started up the stairs.
“Ryder, stop walking away from me!”
I spun to snap back, only to come face to face with James. “Then tell me what you want so I can have the space to think. ”
“I want to talk,” he said, finally lowering his voice.
“I’m through talking.”
“Funny, you’ve hardly said a word to me about how you feel since we talked about being fated.”
“Because I still feel the same as I did then: I’m terrified. Nothing’s changed. Telling you that over and over doesn’t fix anything.” I started to shiver, and I wasn’t sure whether it was from my out-of-control emotions or the cold that seeped into my bones with every drop of rain. Most rolled off my jacket, but they fell into my collar and soaked my jeans when the wind blew. “I’m cold, and wet, and… sad, so can you please leave me alone?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you don’t have to do this alone anymore. That’s what I’ve been trying to get you to see this whole time.”
The wind whipped around us, and the rain came down harder. I couldn’t find anything to say. There was nothing left to say. And I was tired of fighting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted .
“Stop fighting me, Ryder. I know you want to. I can feel your walls crumbling, but damn it—I need you to let me in. I can’t help if you don’t.”
“What if I don’t want your help?” I whispered.
“You’d be lying through your teeth and I don’t need to be your mate to know that.”
Damn him. I wanted him. I wanted him in whatever way I could have him, and the fact that I couldn’t fight that infuriated me. I’d always prided myself on my willpower. Around him, I was… helpless.
I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt that strong, undeniable pull toward him, and this time I let my feet close the distance between us. Too cold to take my hands out of my pockets, I rested my head on his shoulder. Rain pelted down my bare neck, creeping down the back of my shirt. “Can we at least go inside?” I asked, words muffled by his sweater. “I’m freezing.”
In the time it took him to wrap his arms around me, James’s body temperature increased, creating a pocket of warmth around us. “You’re the one blocking the path, love.”
I pulled away from him to climb the rest of the stairs and threw the door open. I didn’t bother to look behind me to ensure he followed—I didn’t need to. My body zeroed in on his mere presence the moment he was within ten feet of me. I went to the desk and pulled out its wooden chair to avoid sitting on the nicer furniture in my wet clothes, which were starting to get uncomfortable. My sweater clung to me in ways it shouldn’t, and I’ll spare the dirty details of how my jeans were beginning to chafe. I squirmed in an attempt to find a comfortable position.
“Got ants in your pants?” James joked. I only glared at him in response until he dropped that annoyingly gorgeous smile. “Go take a shower. I can wait.”
“No.” Damn, my tone made me cringe, but I couldn’t stop myself. “You clearly want this conversation to happen, so let’s get it over with. Once I get under that hot water, I don’t plan to move for a very long time.”
James remained quiet for a long moment, but sensing that I wasn’t going to relent, he finally opened his mouth. “I’m sorry.”
I sighed, starting to feel sick. In truth, he hadn’t done anything bad. He’d only been… doing exactly what a boyfriend should do. I was the one being a dick. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“Yes, I do. Because when we had this whole ‘mate’ conversation, we made promises to each other. I didn’t hold up my end, and I chased you off as a result. ”
I dropped my face into my hands. “You couldn’t have said that on a phone call?”
“That would require you to answer said phone, which you haven’t done since you took off this morning.”
Okay, he had a point there. My skin itched, and I started toward the bathroom again. I was getting seriously uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. Like I said, I needed some space. I still need that.”
“No.”
I stopped in my tracks, spinning around to face him. “What do you mean ‘no?’”
James took a step toward me. I, in turn, took a step back. “I’m not giving up on you. We’re not doing this again: this gray area of ‘will they, won’t they.’”
That bubble formed in my chest again and the more I attempted to rub it away, the worse it got. I couldn’t fight it off any longer. “Christ, you can’t see it, can you?” I snarled.
“See what ? You haven’t exactly given me a lot to work with lately. You did what Ryder Clark does best when things get hard: you ran.”
“I fell in love with you!”
The words seemed to explode out of me and bounce off the walls of the empty space. The rain was the only thing to respond, pelting the sides of the house. James just stood and stared at me, so I took it as my cue to continue.
“There. I said it. I love you. I fell head-over-fucking-heels for you, and it wasn’t my choice. This is something so much bigger than us, and it terrifies me.”
That bubble worked its way up my throat, and my eyes started to burn. Oh, hell no. I spun on my heel and attempted my shower once more.
“Ryder. ”
“ What ?” My voice cracked with the emotions threatening to spill over.
I whirled again, and this time James was closer. “I love you too.”
Before I could say anything else, his hands cupped my cheeks, and his lips crushed mine. I couldn’t stop the tears that fell, painting our lips with a salty flavor as I angled my head to deepen the kiss. I fisted his sweater in my hands, unsure whether I wanted to pull him closer or push him away.
That kiss, so full of passion it made my toes curl, was short. I took in a deep breath as our lips separated. “I-I don’t know what to do.”
“Right now you need to get these cold, wet clothes off.” He gave me one more soft kiss, then guided me to the bathroom. “You need to take a shower, and then,” he leaned in, his next words a low rumble in my ear, “you’re going to lie in bed and do as you’re fucking told.”