Coming soon… #2
I bite the inside of my cheek. Hard. I want to say something.
Something sharp. I even think of the words I want to say; maybe you should check your own outfit before you open your mouth about mine because that shirt makes you look like a clown , but they stay in my head.
Locked away, like so many other things I want to say but don’t because it’s not worth it.
I’ve learned to keep the peace over having my say.
I used to be witty. I used to be full of fire. Stephanie, my best friend at college, used to say I was the funniest person she knew. I miss her. God how I miss her.
She texted me last week; she tries to make contact with me at least once a month with a text message which I mostly respond with emojis because it’s easier to upset Stephanie than Jacob.
The text this month her message was just a heart emoji.
It made me sad. She was almost gone too.
Jacob saw her name as I looked at my cell phone and asked why she still bothered when I had made it clear we were no longer friends.
“Because she loves me,” I whispered back.
He scoffed.
“No, she loves the version of you that lets people walk all over you. Grow up.”
A door opens and my attention comes back to the present. A woman in smart black slacks and a red blouse with a name badge clipped to it steps out and as she calls our names.
“Jacob Foster and Lily Fisher?” She looks around at the couple assembled.
Jacob stands up and starts to walk towards her. He doesn’t wait for me. He doesn’t offer his hand to me. I swallow back my sigh and follow him.
Inside the office, there’s a large desk with a computer and the rest of it taken up by piles of forms. The window looks out onto the Manhattan skyline, and on the windowsill, breaking up the view is a vase of fake flowers.
The woman smiles as she takes her seat behind the desk. She gestures to the two chairs opposite her.
“Please, take a seat,” she says.
We sit down.
She smiles brightly at us. “First of all, congratulations. You found love. My name is Janine, and I’ll be helping you through the process of registering to get your marriage license. Congratulations.”
I smile back at her, hoping it doesn’t look as wrong on my face as it feels.
If she notices we don’t exactly seem thrilled to be here, she is professional enough to not mention it.
Instead, she starts talking about the forms we need to complete, the identification requirements, the time lines.
I try to pay attention, but it’s hot and stuffy in the office and my mind keeps wandering.
Jacob doesn’t even bother pretending to listen to her. He interrupts her rudely and I cringe inside.
“Can we just get to the signatures? We’re on a schedule,” he says.
Janine eyes widen slightly. I wonder if she can tell. “I’m almost finished Mr. Foster,” she says with a smile her face that doesn’t reach her eyes. “It will be much quicker if you don’t interrupt.”
Oh, she can tell alright.
I press my lips tight to keep from smiling.
I feel like high fiving this woman who has just put Jacob in his place.
If I had said that to him, I would never hear the end of it, but from Janine, he has no choice but to take it.
He sits glowering at her, but he doesn’t interrupt again.
As she explains the final steps, my eyes blur and my head spins.
This is real. This is happening. I’m about to sign up for a lifetime with a man who never truly sees the real me.
Who doesn’t want to see the real me. Even with me pretending to be all that he wants he’s told me, more than once, that no one else would ever put up with me.
That I’m lucky that he’s willing to marry me and I should be grateful to him.
Is he right? Am I that unloveable? That unwanted?
It’s easy to believe it when I hear it so often, but somewhere deep down inside of me is a spark of flame that he hasn’t been able to extinguish yet, because I remember when I was not so dull and colorless.
I remember laughing so hard I cried. I remember staying up late with Steph, eating ice cream and planning imaginary trips to Italy.
I remember painting my nails yellow just because yellow makes me smile.
I remember being the sarcastic, witty one of the group, the one who made others laugh and took no bullshit from anyone. I remember being whole.
Janine has finished talking and she slides a form and a pen across the table.
Jacob takes the pen, glances over the details on the form, and signs his name.
Then it’s my turn to sign it. My hand trembles as I read over the details. I think of the imagined wedding again. Of that moment at the altar. That moment when I see him, and instead of butterflies, I feel the walls closing in on me. I can’t do this.
I grip the pen. But I don’t sign. Not yet.
Instead, I look up at Jacob, hoping for a look of support, needing to see a flicker of the man I used to think Jacob was, the charming man who I fell in love with.
He’s not even looking at me. He’s checking his cell phone again. And suddenly, a thought whispers through me, quiet, but powerful.
Run!
Chapter Two
Lily
The air in Janine’s office feels thinner suddenly, like there's not enough oxygen in the room. I take a steadying breath and then I reach out and pick up the pen. It’s still warm from being in Jacob’s grip.
I tense my fingers to try to steady my hand, but it doesn’t work.
Just sign the damned thing I tell myself.
Just finish it. You’ll feel better once it’s done.
But as I’m slowly lowering the pen to the paper, Janine glances at her computer screen, clicks her mouse a few times, and frowns.
"Hold on," she says, her voice calm but firm. "I need your divorce certificate Lily before we go any further."
"My what?" I ask, my hand frozen.
I’m sure I must have misheard her. Janine repeats her request. To her, it’s routine enough that she doesn’t even look away from her screen. To me, it’s crazy talk.
"Your divorce certificate. It says here that you’re already married," she informs me.
Jacob makes a sound, something between a scoff and a groan. "What the hell is she talking about?"
"I’ve never been married," I say, sitting up straighter. "There must be a mistake."
"You are Lily Fisher. Born March the fourteenth, nineteen ninety-seven?" Janine says.
"Yes," I say slowly.
She squints at the screen.
"According to our records, you’re legally married,” she says. She clicks again and then she goes on. “To a Cole White."
My stomach lurches like I’m on a rollercoaster that’s just gone over the edge. I glance at Jacob, whose jaw has tightened visibly.
"Cole White?" I echo.
I know the name and instantly, a face from the past drifts across my mind like a ghost. It’s not just his face. I can hear his laughter echoing in a campus bar. I can even smell his cologne. And I can almost reach out and touch his too big ego.
Cole was at college with me. He was part of our friend group, although personally, I hated him.
He was everything that is wrong with college aged guys – arrogant without having achieved anything, confident although they have nothing to make them so.
He was cocky to the point of rude and if money couldn’t fix a problem, he had no idea what to do.
"Cole White and I attended the same college," I say slowly. "I hated that guy. We argued constantly. I’ve never even kissed him, let alone marry him."
Janine clicks her mouse a few more times.
"Well, according to the registry, you were married in a civil ceremony five years ago," she says.
Jacob lets out a bitter laugh. "For fuck’s sake. Something like this would have to happen to you. This is just typical.”
My mouth opens and closes and then opens again. "This doesn’t make sense. I never even saw him after graduation. I think I would know if I was married."
"Have you ever lost your ID?" Janine asks calmly, like this is just a minor glitch, not something that might be about to blow Jacob’s head off.
"Yes, but that was years ago at a club. My whole purse went missing. I had to replace everything."
She nods like that explains it.
"It might have been identity fraud,” she says.
I feel like she isn’t done, but Jacob jumps in.
“You think someone stole Lily’s ID and used it to concoct a fake marriage? Or do you think this Cole guy found her ID and used it to convince people they were married?” he asks.
As usual, his delivery is rude, but even I have to admit he raises a good point this time. Janine just carries on, ever the professional.
“Trust me. Stranger things have happened. Or it might be an administrative error. That happens more often than you would think."
Jacob is practically vibrating beside me, his anger coming off him in waves.
"So, we have just wasted our whole damn morning on this. We had a brunch booking."
"Jacob," I say quietly. “We can have brunch another day.”
But he’s on a roll now and he just ignores me.
"You didn’t even have the decency to check if you wer already married,” he says, his tone of voice dripping with contempt telling Janine exactly what he thinks of me. “What kind of idiot doesn’t know they’re married?"
"Sir," Janine cuts in, her tone all sharp professionalism now. "There is a good chance that this isn’t her fault. I’ll start the process to investigate the registration. It may take a few days, possibly a couple of weeks, but we can get it annulled if it's fraudulent or an administrative error."
Jacob stands up abruptly, pushing his chair back with a screech. "A couple of weeks! Un-fucking-believable."
I stand up too, a beat behind him. I feel can feel Janine’s eyes on me, but I can’t look anywhere but at the floor. Janine holds a business card out toward me. I take it and push it into my purse without looking at it.
"Call me if you have any questions. We’ll get it sorted," she says.
"Thank you," I whisper. “And sorry about this.”