Chapter 23 – Kat
TWENTY-THREE
KAT
If I didn’t just fail that exam, I will be surprised beyond measure.
Okay, that was a bit dramatic, but I will genuinely be shocked if I get anything better than a C. Despite dreading receiving that grade, I am relieved that this means the semester is now over.
Due to a freak rainstorm nearly flooding campus last weekend, Flash Fest was pushed to this Friday. What is typically a moment to let loose right before finals week will now be an opportunity for a final hurrah before people leave for the summer.
Flash Fest is an outdoor concert held on campus every year and, while the bands are seldom my taste, it’s still a lot of fun. Last year, Third Eye Blind came, which was kind of iconic.
I find myself excited as I walk back to my dorm room because, for the first time in a week and a half, I get to see Elijah. I can’t say things have gotten better, but I just know that if we spend some time together, he’ll sort out his feelings.
The air is thick and humid with the heat soaring well above ninety degrees. The sudden heat wave has left me dreading the long months ahead, wondering if this is just a glimpse of the punishing summer to come. If it’s hot here, it will more than likely be hot back home.
Sweat beads on my forehead and trickles down my back, reminding me that I am at the mercy of this blistering sun. Normally, I enjoy strolling across campus, but between my exam having been all the way in Franklin Hall and the sweltering heat, I can’t help but yearn for the mediocre air conditioning in my dorm room. Even though it’s old and not very efficient, it’s still much more bearable than my current situation.
I can’t help but let my mind travel back to that night in the fall when the air conditioning at the Lambda house was broken—when I spent the night with Elijah anyway just because I wanted to spend time with him. Everything seemed so much simpler back then—back when my biggest concern in my relationship was his unsubstantiated concern about Tanner.
As I stroll across campus, my eyes glaze over and I barely register the excited chatter. I can’t help but wonder if any of this was worth it. I might not be able to remember what happens in the future, but I sure as hell know that all of this must have been something I was trying to stop from happening.
Isn’t that the way it always goes? The more you want to prevent something from happening, the quicker it comes to fruition? Or maybe I messed it up even more this time around .
As I unlock the door to my dorm room, I hear faint music seeping out from Jenna’s room. Inside, she is curled up on her bed with a thick textbook lying open in front of her. Her eyes are focused intently on the page as she scribbles notes in the margin. She had mentioned having an exam for her psychology class today, but part of me assumed she would be cramming at Marcus’s place.
“What time is your exam?” I ask.
“Three-thirty,” she responds without looking up from her textbook. “I think I’ll be fine. I’m just trying to cram a little bit more information in before I head over there.”
I look down at my phone to see that her exam starts in about forty-five minutes, but that doesn’t explain her being here.
“What’s Marcus up to today?”
When her eyes meet mine, you would almost think I struck her. “He has two exams today, why?” she asks.
I start going through the contents of my bag, mentally cataloging what books I should try to sell back to the campus bookstore. “Don’t know; you just haven’t been around much.”
I expect her to get cagey about it, so when the words tumble out of her mouth, I look up at her.
“I’m sorry,” she says quietly, her head hanging in shame. “I’ve been a really shitty friend.”
“No, you haven’t?—”
“I have,” Jenna interrupts. “I’ve been so wrapped up in stuff with me and Marcus that I completely missed how you’ve been feeling…with Elijah.”
Her comment catches me off guard.
Elijah and I didn’t have issues until spring break , I think, but I don’t say it out loud .
“It’s okay.”
Jenna peers at me for a few beats before her eyes shift back to the textbook in front of her. “How did your exam go?”
I shrug. “I’m pretty sure I passed.”
I’m typically the type to study for weeks before a final, so the fact that I barely cracked a textbook says something—something I’m sure Jenna is reading on my face. However, I’m thankful she doesn’t say anything about it.
“Well, C’s get degrees, right?”
“Exactly.”
We continue to catch up for a few minutes before Jenna closes her textbook and hops off her bed. I wish her the best of luck on her last final before ducking into my own room.
When Jenna returns from her exam, I am already three hard seltzers deep into pre-gaming.
“How did it go?” I ask.
“Nailed it!” she says with a grin plastered across her lips. As quickly as the smile appears, though, it’s gone again, replaced by a disappointed expression. “You started without me.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, walking over to my mini fridge to grab one of the long, skinny cans and holding it out to Jenna. “What time do you want to go down?” I ask.
Jenna shrugs before popping the tab on her can. “I don’t really care about the opener, but it could be smart to go early so we can get a good spot.”
As I stumble out of our dorm building with Jenna at my side, the world starts to swirl and my steps become unsteady. I can feel the warmth of alcohol spreading through my body, but I try to brush it off as just a slight buzz. However, as we start walking toward the concert, my gut starts churning and I realize the effects of drinking on an empty stomach are hitting me hard.
“Are you okay?” Jenna asks, genuine concern in her voice.
“Yeah, for sure.” I lift my hand to my mouth as I swallow, quelling the unease in my stomach for the time being.
When we approach the crowded concert grounds, Jenna grabs my arm and leads me toward a brightly lit food truck. She glances at me with concern, knowing I’ve had a few too many drinks already. “Come on, let’s get you something to eat,” she says.
Soon I have a corn dog in hand with a healthy slathering of ketchup, and I scarf it down in fewer bites than should be physically possible. Thankfully, eating instantly seems to help the discomfort in my stomach and within twenty minutes I feel slightly more alert.
“The guys are here!” Jenna peps up, darting forward and colliding with Marcus, who wraps his arms around her tight.
As I watch them from across the field, I can’t help but feel a pang of envy. Their fingers intertwined, their eyes locked in a deep gaze, and their smiles genuine and full of love. Even at our best, Elijah and I have never been like that, so effortlessly entranced by one another.
I want that.
Brendan ambles toward me, his hands tucked into the pockets of his worn jeans. Tanner follows closely behind, holding a bottle of beer in one hand and waving with the other.
“Hey,” they say in unison as they reach me .
“Hey,” I reply, exhaling deeply.
I can’t help but notice that Elijah isn’t with them. He said he was coming, so why isn’t he here?
Something in Tanner’s expression tells me he’s about to say something that I don’t want to hear. This isn’t just Elijah not showing up for the concert—this is him not saying goodbye before he leaves for the summer.
My heart races as hordes of people start crowding around me. My palms grow clammy, and the smell of alcohol on my own breath only intensifies my anxiety. The ground beneath me seems to sway with each passing second, and I struggle to catch my breath as a wave of panic washes over me.
“Hey—”
A calming voice cuts through the noise, but I can’t seem to latch onto it.
As the crowd gathers in front of the stage, I frantically search for him. My heart races and my hands shake as I realize he isn’t here. The opening band starts to play and I feel a wave of panic wash over me—he promised he would be here.
He should be here.
“Hey, Kat.” The same male voice from before attempts to soothe me as the panic sinks its claws into me.
“Kat.” Another masculine voice carries to my ears, but I don’t respond.
“Hey.” A comforting hand lands on the side of my cheek, forcing my head upward.
My vision blurs, and my fists clench as I struggle to catch my breath. Tanner’s eyes are fixed on mine, his brow furrowed with concern. His calm demeanor is a stark contrast to my panicked state.
“Can you breathe with me?” he says softly, following his words with slow, deliberate inhales and exhales. His strong palm shifts from my cheek to my shoulder.
“Kat, look at me,” Tanner demands, and, to my surprise, I listen. “Breathe with me. Inhale for four seconds.” I watch as he demonstrates before doing the same. “Then out for four.” He exhales and I follow suit.
We continue this rhythm for an unknown amount of time. As I focus on my breathing, my hand on my chest moves up and down at a steady pace. My racing heart gradually slows, matching the rhythm of my breaths. The tension in my body melts away gradually.
“Are you okay?” Tanner asks, the pinch in his brow far from gone as he holds tightly to my shoulders.
I don’t give him reassurance; I simply ask, “He left, didn’t he?”
Tanner swallows as he stares at me, and I watch as he struggles to respond. Finally he nods, causing a tear to break past my waterline.
“Are you okay?”
I shake my head from side to side, and his eyebrows furrow in concern. He pulls me into an embrace, his strong arms enveloping my body. The pressure of his hug should make me feel suffocated, but instead, I feel a sense of peace wash over me. I close my eyes and take in the scent of his cologne as he holds me tightly.
Tanner whispers against the top of my head, so quietly that only I can hear. “No one would judge you if you left. You don’t have to stay. I get why you would want to, but if you can’t…we get it.”
It’s as if he can read my mind, because the moment I look around at the sheer quantity of people crowded around me, waiting for the band to take the stage, I know with certainty that I can’t stay here.
I don’t know what will help, but this isn’t it.
When I nod, he squeezes me tightly for a few seconds before releasing me. The lost warmth of his embrace leaves me feeling chilly despite the heat.
“Go get some rest, okay?”
I nod again, backing away and heading toward my dorm building. I don’t bother finding Jenna to tell her I’m leaving; I don’t even wave goodbye to Brendan, who stands beside Tanner with a worried look on his face.
I just leave.
After I step into my empty dorm room and shut the door behind me, I collapse against the wall. Tears stream down my face as I try to catch my breath, a flood of emotions crashing over me. My knees give way and I sink to the ground, cradling my head in my hands.
This is it—I am finally alone and the dam breaks, releasing every emotion I’ve been holding back.
These past couple weeks.
This entire school year.
Probably the future too.
Everything hits me at once.
At first, I think I’m hearing things as the door that connects mine and Jenna’s bedrooms creaks open, so I don’t look up. It isn’t until she slides down the wall to sit beside me that I look at her.
“What are you doing here?” I ask through strangled sobs.
She stares at me, a pained expression that I can’t quite place persisting for a split second before it morphs into an equally pained smile. “Tanner said you might want some company.”
And in this moment, I’ve never valued him more.