Chapter 4
Nantes
After dinner, we clean up my kitchen, falling back into a familiar rhythm as we load the dishwasher. It’s so weird how it’s been years but not much has changed between us. The only challenge with having him here again is the reminder that the crush I felt for so long isn’t completely buried.
Vanian is still charming and funny, but his boyish good looks have matured into a sultry sexiness. He has a few tattoos peeking out from under the sleeves of his shirt, and I’d like to know if he has more.
“When did you get your first tattoo?”
He glances over at me as he rinses a glass.
“Uh, freshman year. I was walking around the city outside campus and there was a brand-new tattoo shop doing a grand opening and offering flash works for, like, a hundred bucks or something.” He lifts his shirt and tugs the waist of his jeans down a bit, pointing to the shamrock there.
He chuckles. “Lame, but I thought I was a badass.”
“It’s not lame. It’s cute.”
“Tattoos shouldn’t be described as cute, Nan.”
I laugh, poking him. “Fair.”
“Do you have any?”
I nod. “On my calf and on my shoulder. I keep them out of sight.”
“Because of your profession?”
I nod. “Yeah. I’m still old school like that, I guess.
I had a hard time being accepted at first. This baby face of mine makes it hard to be taken seriously.
One nurse even thought I was some kind of prodigy.
” I shake my head as I hand Van a plate.
“I thought visible tattoos would make that harder.”
“I get it. I always wear dress shirts so my patients and their caregivers never see them.” He nudges me with his elbow. “But you’re free now. Would you get more?”
“I’ve been toying with the idea.” I wipe my hands on a dish towel while Van closes the dishwasher. “I saw this cool idea online a few years ago. It’s a face, but half skeleton half normal. It was done with a lot of realism. Maybe it appealed to my fascination with human anatomy.”
“It sounds cool. You should do it.”
“Maybe. I’ve been so busy I haven’t thought about it much lately.”
Van leans against the counter, his eyes lighting up the way they always did when we were kids. He’s about to suggest something wild. I just know it.
“We should find someone while I’m here and get some ink together. It’ll be like…” He shrugs. “Like renewing our friendship.”
“That sounds cool. We should check into it.” I glance at the living room. “Want to go sit?”
“Yeah.”
I take our wineglasses as Van carries the bottle back to the living room and we get situated on the couch.
“Nice place,” Van says, propping his feet up on the coffee table. “Much nicer than my apartment in the city.”
“Yeah?”
“It’s not a bad place. It’s a good neighborhood, but it’s small and older. I didn’t want to spend all my salary on rent, you know?”
“Yep.”
“And buying a house is out of the question. I’m not home enough anyway.”
“What do you do besides working?”
His brow creases and he shifts slightly. I may not have seen him in years, but his tells are the same. He’s nervous about something.
“I happen to have a very active social life.”
I chuckle. “That so?”
“No.” He laughs. “I do a lot of advocate work on the side.”
“Oh. Well, that’s good.”
“Yeah. Somebody’s gotta do it.”
“Are you happy, Van?”
He momentarily looks confused. “Um, dang, no one’s asked me that in a long time. Guess I haven’t really thought about it.”
“Your work is fulfilling, right?”
“Definitely. The, um, the extra stuff I do takes up a lot of time, but it’s good. It’s important.”
“What kinds of things do you do? Is it like a Big Brother thing or something else?”
Van looks down at his hand abruptly, and I can tell I’ve hit a nerve.
“Sorry. Am I prying?”
“No.” He shakes his head, laughing softly. “Of course not. Thinking about it all is just sort of triggering sometimes.”
I nod. “Got it. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. How about you? You’re happy you joined the family business. What about the rest?”
“Mostly good. I think I’ve been too busy to think about it, you know? Seeing Deo in love has poked at me a little. I’m older than him and not even close to settling down.”
“But you want to?”
“Sure. Doesn’t everyone?”
Van shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe some people’s lives are better spent alone.”
“I mean, if you’re an asshole maybe, but neither of us are. Pretty sure.”
Van smiles, avoiding my eyes again. He’s keeping a secret, that much I’m sure of, but it’s hardly my place to push him. It’s been years since we’ve spoken. I have no right to ask.
“No major relationships, then?”
Van shakes his head. “Nah. There was a woman a few years ago. Shit, it’s actually been, like, six years now. I met her at a work conference and we hit it off. She was cool.”
“But?”
“We had a lot of clashes that couldn’t really be resolved. She was super religious and so was her family, and I felt pressure to get on board, but that’s not me.”
“Never has been you. I remember all the times my grandparents lured you to Mass with the promise of a great meal after. You hated it.”
Van smiles. “I didn’t hate anything I did with you and your family, but I thought it was boring and none of it made sense to me.”
“Same. So, religion. What else?”
“Culturally, we were really different. Her family is from India, and they just had a lot of expectations of her. Her dad hated me. He thought I wasn’t good enough even though I had a profession he approved of.
We tried, we really did, but one day I sat down and asked her what she wanted for her future, and I knew I couldn’t give it to her.
We ended things amicably, and we’re still friendly when we bump into each other.
She’s the closest I ever got to real commitment. ”
“Were you in love with her?”
“I don’t think so. I think if I had been I would’ve tried harder. I would’ve compromised more.” He sips his wine. “In my twenties, the idea of getting married and moving to the burbs to knock out some kids sounded like a death sentence.”
I chuckle. “It still does.”
“I guess so.” He drags a hand through his hair. “What about you, Doctor?”
I shake my head. “Not even close. I was too focused on my career to even think about a serious relationship, and I never met anyone who changed my mind.”
“Still picky?”
We both laugh at that. “Dude, I wasn’t picky in high school. I was closeted. I would’ve messed around with any guy who looked my way back then just for the experience of it.”
Van searches my eyes. “But not me. I never once caught you staring or anything. I’m not your type?”
I laugh off his question, focusing on my wine instead. “Don’t be stupid.”
“I’m not being stupid. I’m asking a legit question. I’ve been hit on a few times by guys in bars in Chicago. I’m good looking, right?”
“You’re fine.” I sip my wine again as Van shoves my arm.
“Fine? Gee, thanks.”
“What do you want me to tell you? Being gay doesn’t mean I find every man attractive, just like you don’t find every woman attractive.”
“I know that, dumbass. I’m not some dickish homophobe.”
“I didn’t think that.”
“You might have, based on high school, but that was a long time ago, Nan. I guess, as close as we were, it seems kind of weird to me that I never caught on or even suspected something like that.”
“Good. I didn’t want you to.”
Van nods, still holding my gaze. “All the sleepovers, the showers after the gym and football, the summers spent swimming in the lake and sunbathing on the rocks, you never looked at me.”
My memories of those events are different. I did everything in my power not to look at him.
“Oh shit, do you remember the time we measured our dicks with Brayden and Danny?” He cackles. “How old were we? Fifteen?”
“I was still fourteen. I think Danny was too.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right.” He chuckles. “Brayden won, if I remember correctly.”
Laughing, I shake my head. “That was an awkward night for me. It was close between me and him, so Danny measured us twice to break the tie.”
“He touched you, right? Then freaked out?”
“Right.”
His smile fades. “We all freaked out a little when we chubbed up. Brayden said it wasn’t gay. It was because the wind blowing could make a teenage boy hard.”
“Yeah. I remember being thankful for his explanation.”
“I, um, remember feeling a little weird about it. I was jealous, I think, that you and Brayden had bigger dicks than me. Danny’s was thicker than everyone’s.”
“Yep.” I squirm slightly, remembering it all like it happened yesterday. It was simultaneously the best and most awkward night of my young life at that point.
“My stomach felt funny,” Van continues. “Like the way it felt to see a girl’s boobs. Did you feel funny?”
“Yeah, Van, I felt funny. I was with three of my friends and our dicks were out. Then Brayden did that helicopter thing.”
Van’s head falls back as he laughs. “Oh, god, yeah. Then we looked at his dad’s dirty magazines. It was the first time I saw a woman completely naked. I felt funny again.”
“I felt relieved that we’d moved on to women.”
“I’m sorry, dude. I had no idea you were struggling.”
“It’s okay, Van. I survived.”
He leans back slightly, swirling his wine. “I wondered, you know, if that funny feeling meant something, but you said it was normal what we did and it wasn’t weird. Dicks were weird and it was nothing to worry about, so I didn’t.”
I remember that. I desperately wanted to change the topic, and I thought if I made him feel better about it he wouldn’t think anything of me. “Yeah.”
He smiles. “Tell me about the first time. You know about mine.”
“I do. You want to hear about the first time I had gay sex?”
“Yep. You were there for me. I want to be there for you, even belated.”
“It’s okay. I’m way past that now.”
“I still want to know,” he says, firmly. “I feel like I missed out on so much. I want to know what your life’s been like.”