Chapter 4 #2
“I’ll go back to the moment when I knew without a doubt that I was gay.
Every now and then I would kind of crush on a girl, you know?
I’d think she was pretty and I’d enjoy her company, but over time, I realized I just liked her as a person, not as a romantic option.
I remember the way you and the guys would talk about boobs and how nice they were to touch, how soft a woman’s kiss was, how nice it felt to put your dick in her. ”
Van nods. “Were you curious?”
“No. That’s the thing. It was like this war inside me. I wanted to be straight. I wanted to be like everyone else, but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I could like a woman, it wasn’t the same feeling at all.”
“And then?”
“And then one night in my basement with Scott Chamberlain sealed the deal. He pulled his jeans down and I saw his dick for the first time. I’d felt it before, but up to that point, I hadn’t seen it, you know?
I’d never wanted to touch something more in my life.
I imagined it must be what you felt when you saw boobs. ”
“And you knew?”
“I knew. I gave my first blow job that night, and it was clumsy and messy and not great at all, but it was the best night ever.” I clear my throat as my body floods with heat. These are words I’ve never spoken out loud, and I definitely didn’t think I’d ever say them to Van.
“But you couldn’t tell me about it.”
I shake my head. “I was too scared, and me and Scott promised we’d never tell.”
“Damn.” He sips his wine. “I never noticed. I was so blind.”
“No. We were kids and I did everything I could to act normal and blend in. Remember junior prom?”
“Yeah. We went together, no girls.”
“We did. Then we went to the party at Brittany’s house after. It was you and me, Emma and Brooklyn in the upstairs bedroom playing spin the bottle.”
“Oh, yeah. Emma really wanted to get on this.”
I laugh softly. “She did, which left me and Brooklyn awkwardly pretending to be into each other.”
“Didn’t you make out with her?”
“Confession: We made it look like we were kissing, but we were just rolling around together. We didn’t want to seem lame, but neither of us wanted to do anything.”
His brow creases. “While me and Emma were fucking, you guys were…”
“Wrestling basically. Making noises that sounded good.”
“And you were pretty tight lipped about it.”
“Yep. It was mine and Brooklyn’s secret. She had a crush on you, but Emma won out.”
“Seriously?”
“Yep. For a minute she thought we should fuck too so she didn’t feel so lame watching Emma claim you, but I told her I didn’t want to do that and she admitted she didn’t either.”
“You didn’t even kiss her?”
“Nope.”
“Was it weird? I mean, I had sex right in front of you.”
Of course it was weird. I was stealing looks at his ass while he pounded into Emma, catching glimpses of his cock, noting how his hands groped her boobs. I wanted to switch places with her, just for a night, just to know.
“I wasn’t paying attention to you guys.”
Van nods. “High school was a trip. I’m glad we have this time now to sort of get to know each other again as adults.”
“Me too.”
He gets that little glimmer in his eyes again. “I’m still not attractive to you?”
I shake my head. “You’re straight. I don’t get hung up on straight boys. Fatal flaw every time.”
“That’s not what I asked, Nan.” He pokes my knee. “I can admit that you’re a fantastic looking guy.”
“Thanks.” I drain my wineglass, then refill it.
“Your turn.”
“You’re not gonna drop it, are you?”
“No. I mean, totally fine if I’m not your type, I’m just curious.”
I don’t know how to answer it. Do I admit that he is, and always has been my type, or brush it off and feign indifference?
“Are you worried about hurting my feelings, Nan? I can handle it. You wouldn’t be the first person to let me down gently.”
I laugh at that. “You’re handsome, obviously.”
“Handsome. Hmm. What’s your type?”
“I don’t really base my type on looks. Those are fleeting and have nothing to do with what kind of person you are. Physical attraction counts, of course, but I look for character.”
“Fair, but if we were talking just about looks, what’s your preference?” When I don’t answer, he continues. “How am I gonna wingman for you when we go out if I don’t know what to look for?”
“I don’t need a wingman, and we’re not going to any gay bars. You’ll be bombarded.”
“Oh, so I am attractive.” He winks, then laughs, cracking himself up.
“Yeah, yeah. I think you already know that.”
“Thanks for stroking my ego.”
“You’re welcome.” I roll my eyes. “Besides, I go on vibes alone. I’ve dated gingers, brunettes, blonds, people from all kinds of nationalities and ethnicities. Cis guys, trans guys, bi guys. Whatever. If we vibe, then we’ll see where it goes.”
Van nods. “That’s a great approach. I’ve been pretty narrow minded, always chasing after those dark-haired beauties.”
“With big tits.”
“No, actually, I have expanded my taste there. I love the small ones with the big nips. It’s like kryptonite. And if they’re pierced, Jesus.”
“I like a good pierced nip too.”
“Common ground.” Van grins. “I knew we’d find some.”
“Of course we would.”
“It’s weird, isn’t it? We’ve been apart for so long, but it kind of feels like it was just a few months.”
“It feels like that for me too.”
His smile fades a little, turning nostalgic. “My mom told me once that you and I were soulmates. Platonic, of course, but she said she’d never seen two people so connected and compatible before.”
“You never told me that.”
“I didn’t know how without making it sound weird. Who ever heard of that back then? It’s a shame we let life get in the way and keep us apart.”
“The past is the past. All we have is the present, so let’s enjoy it before you have to go back to Chicago.”
“I can do that.”