Chapter 8
Nantes
“Is it just me or is Vanian even hotter now than he used to be?” Brogan fans themself while waggling their eyebrows. “He’s so fine.”
Deo chuckles. “He’s hotter now. You must have noticed too, Nantes?”
I shrug, trying to play it off. Of course I’ve noticed. I’ve got eyes. “He hasn’t changed much. Just matured.”
“Is it weird?” Deo asks. “Being around him after all these years?”
“No, it’s like no time has passed at all. I was worried about coming out to him, but he took it in stride.”
“Oh yeah, you weren’t out yet,” Deo says. “Is he straight?”
“Yep.”
“You sure about that?” Brogan teases. “He was looking at you like he felt more than friendship.”
“We used to be super close. I think he’s feeling a lot of nostalgia, but it’s nothing more than that.”
“Too bad. He looks like he’d be fun to climb.”
Deo chuckles with our cousin while Balt just shakes his head.
“We’re gonna go into Madison to see what we can get up to. I don’t think he’s seen it since he moved to Chicago.”
“That’ll be a nice afternoon,” Balt says.
“Should be.”
I finish up for the day then say goodbye to the guys and head back to my house. It’s a nice day and it’s getting warmer by the hour, so it should be enjoyable walking around downtown.
When I step inside, the house is quiet except for the low bass of Vanian’s voice.
Quietly, I follow the sound to the living room to find him sitting on the couch in front of a laptop propped on my coffee table.
There’s a blond kid on the screen who looks to be in his early teens.
I can’t hear what the kid is saying from here, but I notice how intently Vanian is listening.
I stay just out of sight, unsure of what to do.
I don’t want to overhear anything personal.
“I think that’s an excellent plan, Nick,” Vanian says. “You can work on that and we can meet again in three weeks for a status update. Do you think that’s enough time?”
I hear a muffled voice from the computer then Vanian again.
“Okay, so you’re going to journal for accountability, and we’ll review your progress the next time we meet. Sound good?”
I peek around the corner to see Vanian, relaxed and smiling at the screen.
“You’re doing great, Nick. I hope you see how much progress you’ve made in the last six months.” He nods. “Good. Take care.”
Van closes the laptop and I tap softly on the wall to get his attention. His face lights up.
“Hey.”
“Hey. I was trying not to eavesdrop or interrupt.”
“No worries. I was just wrapping up when you came in.”
“You heard me?”
“Oh yeah. I hear everything.”
My stomach flutters. Not everything, I hope.
“Was that a patient?”
Van nods. “Yeah, I had a message that he wanted to talk to me. He came to me six months ago with some serious anger issues, but after a few rough meetings, he decided he’d rather be happy, so he’s been doing the hard work to get better.”
I sit next to Van. “That must be hard, dealing with so much as a young person.”
“It is. He’s been through a lot with his family life, but he’s in a stable place now.”
“I bet it’s rewarding for you.”
“Definitely. It makes the hard days worth it.”
“I remember those times at the hospital. The moments when you truly improved someone’s life, or stopped their pain, or even just gave them some hope made it easier to get through the days when that didn’t happen.”
He squeezes my hand. “Do you miss it?”
“Yes and no. Sometimes I miss the fast-paced energy of it, and I had some great colleagues, but most days I was running ragged and barely had any time to spend with people before I was pushed to the next patient. And, of course, I saw a lot of suffering. Some of it I couldn’t do anything about.”
“Relatable.”
“I can imagine. I know you have to maintain confidentiality and everything, but if you ever need to talk through something, you can trust me.”
He searches my eyes for a moment before smiling. “I know. Thank you.”
I rise from the couch. “I’ll just change and then we can grab some lunch.”
“Perfect.”
I walk back to my bedroom thinking about all my favorite places to eat that he’s never been to, but I land on a place we went too many times to count—an old diner near campus that makes the greasiest burgers and the best pie. I wonder if he’d like the trip down memory lane.
After throwing on a graphic tee and running my fingers through my hair to loosen the gel, I return to the living room where Van is hunched over his phone, intently studying the screen.
“Everything okay?”
He looks up and closes out his phone screen. “Yeah. I was looking at pictures of my work building. It’s bad.”
“At least no one was there.”
“For sure.” He stands, smiling. “Ready?”
“Yes, but hear me out.”
“Okay?”
“Wanna go to Dani’s Diner?”
His face lights up. “It’s still there?”
“Yep. Even had a small renovation about five or six years ago. It’s still kind of a dump, but it’s a clean dump.”
“Hell yeah, I’m in.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders as we walk to the garage. “I know I’ll pay for it later. I’m not in my twenties anymore.”
“Who is?”
We hop in my car and I push the Start button. The car is one of the few luxuries I’ve bought myself.
“This is nice, Nantes. An Audi?”
“Yeah. I know. It’s pretentious but I had to have it.”
“That checks out. You were always into cars, and if I remember, you really wanted an Audi.”
“Crazy that you remember that.”
“I remember everything.”
“Me too.”
“God, we suck. I can’t believe we lost touch the way we did with as close as we were.”
“Going to college in different places made it hard.”
“I should’ve gone to UW with you, but I had that scholarship opportunity. I couldn’t really pass that up.”
“Water under the bridge, Van. We’re together now.”
“Yeah.”
I put the car in reverse and back out of my garage, then make my way to the front of the property. Before long, I’m on the open road leading to the highway and back to Madison.
“Have you been to Chicago?” Van asks.
“Several times, but always for work. Conferences and stuff like that. I’ve never had time to just explore the city. In fact, I was gonna go for Pride a few years ago, but I got called into the hospital and couldn’t get out in time.”
“Pride is a blast.”
I glance at him. “You go to Pride?”
“I have gay friends, Nan. Several, in fact. Even if I didn’t, I’d probably still go. I love a good party.”
“I’m jealous. I’ve heard Chicago has a great one. I’ve been to Milwaukee’s here and it’s good too.”
“Boystown is wild during Pride. My friends dragged me to some gay bars and we danced till we couldn’t anymore. The cool thing about Pride is it brings so many different kinds of people out and together, you know? It’s how the world should always be.”
“Maybe I can make it out there for it next year.”
“Hell yeah. You can stay with me.”
I don’t think the Vanian I knew in high school would have been so comfortable going to a gay bar, but it’s nice to know his perspective has changed with age.
“Do you go out a lot now?” he asks.
“No, I’m still kind of a homebody, but I’ve been pushing myself to get involved in the queer community more. If I ever want to find what Deo has, I’ll have to leave my house.”
“He’s really in love, isn’t he?”
“Completely. And as far as I can tell, Balt is equally smitten. It’s inspiring.”
“You want that? Settling down and all that stuff?”
I shrug as I merge onto the freeway. “I don’t know. I guess I want intimacy and I want to matter to someone, but I’m not sure how traditional it looks. I don’t want kids, I know that.”
“No? I always thought you’d have a bunch of kids.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. You’re a nurturing person. Plus, being a doctor, I just figured that’s what they do.”
I laugh softly. “That’s fair. Almost all my colleagues are married, and many are on their second or third, but me?
I’m your typical workaholic. Only enough time for the occasional hookup, and even that has fallen off lately.
” A memory from last night flashes through my mind, instantly heating my body.
“Is it hard to meet people? In your circles.”
“It’s easy to meet people. Even easier to hook up, but if you want quality, I imagine it’s the same regardless of sexuality. People are people.”
“Very true.” Van nods.
“What about you? Do you want kids?”
“No fucking way.” He visibly shudders. “Not after the things I’ve seen. I could never let them out of my sight and that’s not healthy.”
“Makes a lot of sense.”
“Teachers, family members, parents of friends, clergy, even a damn policeman. Our kids are supposed to trust adults, but they can’t even trust their own parents sometimes.
It’s disgusting, but man, kids are strong.
They are so resilient. I’ve heard stories that broke me come out of the mouths of little fucking kids who should never know that kind of stuff exists, much less experience it firsthand.
If I had a kid and someone touched them wrong, I wouldn’t rest until they were dead. ”
He turns to look out the window for a moment, then drags his hand through his hair. “Sorry. That was intense.”
“Understandable. I get it.”
“Anyway.” Vanian grins. “Look at us. Two men approaching middle age with no kids and no spouses. We could get up to some trouble.”
“We could.”
Vanian messes with my radio while we argue over music as I finish the drive into Madison. I guide the car into a parking space in front of the diner, and Vanian gets out, whistling low.
“Man, talk about a blast from the past,” he says.
“Right? It looks the same.”
“Awesome.”
We enter the diner, and I watch Vanian glance around like a kid in a toy store. He looks so happy and relaxed, and I imagine it’s been a long time since he could be those things.
“How many?” the hostess asks, wiping her hands on a towel.
“Just us two,” I say.
She grabs a couple of plastic menus and leads us to a booth. Gone are the cracked vinyl seats, replaced with new but still vintage looking material. The tables don’t wobble as much and the floor is less sticky, but other than that, it’s almost the same as it was more than twenty years ago.
Vanian slides into the booth, still glancing around. “Smells the same. You can’t paint over a smell like that.”
“No.” I chuckle. “The food hasn’t changed at all.”
“Nice.” He looks down at the menu, and I take the opportunity to admire him.
He’s still the best looking man I’ve ever seen, but maybe that’s just the old lingering crush still talking.
I’ve had my share of good-looking guys share my bed over the years, but something about Vanian always stood out.
It could be the forbidden nature of it all.
Knowing he’s straight and I could never have him probably added to my hopeless desire for him.
He looks up suddenly, his smile fading to something far sexier. “What?”
“What?”
“You were staring at me.”
“How did you know that?”
He shrugs. “I could feel it. What are you thinking?”
“Just how cool it is to be together again.”
“It is.” He holds my gaze for so long, I feel like I could spill all my secrets. That must be what makes him good at his job.
“What are you gonna get?” I ask, changing the subject.
“I’ll probably regret it, but I think I gotta go with the double cheeseburger and onion rings. You?” He holds up a finger. “Wait. Don’t tell me.” He looks down at the menu again for a second. “Ah, yeah. The patty melt.”
Laughing, I nod. “You called it. I always get it.”
“I remember.” He does that thing again with his eyes, somehow peering deep into my soul, exposing me but making me feel completely safe at the same time. “I love this, Nan. Thanks.”
“My pleasure.”
I’m thankful when the server comes over to take our orders to get Van’s gaze off of me. I remember that look from our younger days. He’s always looked at me that way, I just wish it meant more than it does.
At this rate, I’ll be jerking off every night until he leaves.