Chapter 13
Vanian
Mind. Blown.
Fuck, that was intense. I just had sex with Nantes. My best friend. A man. And I didn’t hate it. Far from it. I was so damn into it my head is spinning right now. How the fuck can I be flirting with forty and only just realizing I could be into men?
I glance at Nantes, but he’s sitting quietly with his eyes closed.
His belly and thighs are covered in cum, his cock drained between his legs.
Even soft, it’s kind of… nice. What now?
Do I just accept that this happened and see what else I’m into that I didn’t know about?
Do I thank him and act like nothing happened?
I blow out a breath. No. I could never act like this didn’t happen. Not with him.
“That was… something.”
“Mmm.” Nantes doesn’t move or open his eyes at all.
He’s not gonna make this easy on me, I guess. “Should we clean up?”
“Probably,” he says, still not budging.
Then it dawns on me. He’s scared. He’s freaking out that I’m about to freak out.
“Um, Nan?”
“Yeah?”
“I… Well, this was…” I stop speaking. I have no idea what I want to say.
“It’s okay if you didn’t like it. Or you did like it but now you don’t. That was a lot all at once. It’s okay.”
“Obviously I liked it.”
“I get it though. In the heat of the moment things are different. Now you’re probably feeling weird about it.”
“Not weird. Can you look at me?”
“I’d rather not.”
“Nan, it’s me. Come on.”
Exhaling slowly, he opens his eyes, barely glancing at me. “Okay.”
“I’m not sure what to say.”
He nods. “That’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it.”
“No, I think we do.” I reach for his hand.
“That was an incredible experience for me. I didn’t know I could feel like that with a man.
I thought it would be more foreign, or strange maybe, but it wasn’t that.
It was… intense and passionate and…” I bite my bottom lip, searching for words. “And really fucking hot.”
He’s looking at me now, but his expression is tense, like he’s waiting for a bomb to drop.
“It’s a lot to process to realize I’m attracted to a man like that.
To you like that. I never spent any time thinking about my sexuality.
I enjoy women, a lot, and even these little blips of noticing men never felt like something to pursue.
It’s taking me by surprise to be a whole-ass adult and figuring out I might be bisexual.
” I squeeze his hand. “Because I liked what we just did. I liked it a lot, Nan. I’d like to do it again. Maybe we could do more.”
“What?”
“Unless I was terrible, but you seemed like you were having a good time.”
“You want… With me?” He blinks rapidly. “You liked it?”
“Of course I liked it. I’m freaking out, but not the way you think.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“I wouldn’t lie about this.” I lift his hand to my mouth and press a kiss to it. “That was so hot. You still look so damn hot.”
He scoffs but then laughs. “Shit. I was so scared. I didn’t want to lose you again.”
“You can’t lose me. You never did.” I scoot closer, putting my hand on his chest. “You’re amazing, Nantes.
You always have been. And this chemistry between us is not something to be ignored.
I know it complicates our friendship, but look at us—after all these years, we’re just as connected as we’ve always been. ”
My eyes roam from his face down his body. My cock twitches with interest as my tummy does a somersault. Yep, I’m attracted to him. “I’m glad you made us wait until we weren’t drunk. Now I know it’s real and not just because I was feeling horny.”
He still looks a little panicked as he searches my eyes.
“What can I say to help?”
He shakes his head slightly. “Nothing. I just have to process it all. I’ve spent a good chunk of my life suppressing my attraction to you, so it feels like a dream to hear these words coming from you.”
“So you were attracted to me when we were younger?”
He rolls his eyes. “You have to hear me say it?”
“Might be nice.”
A slight smile tugs at his lips. “Yes, Vanian. You were my first crush. Honestly, I don’t think it ever went away. It just went dormant for a while.”
“For what it’s worth, I never had a clue. I just thought you were shy with girls and focused on school.”
“Good. That’s what I wanted you to think.”
“I wish I knew sooner. About myself, I mean. Maybe I wasn’t ready before, so I’ll try not to ruminate on the past and appreciate the present.”
“That’s very therapist of you.”
I laugh, nuzzling his hand with my nose. “It’s hard to turn off.” Nantes sits up, and as I take in his nearly naked form, desire stirs within me once more. “Do you have to go to work today?”
“Um, I don’t know. Why?”
“Maybe we can hang out.”
“Yeah, we can do that.”
“And then I could take you back to bed. You could show me what else I’ve been missing.”
He startles for a second, then nods. “I’m sure they can handle things without me.”
I brush my fingers under his chin. “So, tell me how I did. Did I beat Joey?”
A smile tugs at his lips. “By miles.”
“Good. Call me greedy, but I want to be the best everything you’ve ever had.”
“Kind of rude, actually. Then what am I supposed to do when you go back to Chicago?”
Great question. “One day at a time, huh?”
“I can do that.”
We rise from the couch and walk down the hall to his bathroom, but my mind is still spinning.
We could obviously work out a relationship if we wanted to, but that would break my number one rule of not letting people I care about get too close to me.
What would Nantes think of me if he knew what I really am?
What happens if I’m arrested one day? It would ruin his life too. Maybe his family business.
I can’t take that risk. As much as it sucks, when this trip is over, I have to let Nantes go his own way.
Even if it hurts.
By late afternoon, I’ve managed to reschedule all my upcoming appointments for the next couple of weeks and speak to a few of my colleagues about the status of the building.
The police haven’t found the vandals yet, which is good for me. It takes the focus off any other potential suspects, and one thing I know about detectives is once they have their eyes on a suspect, they dig in and ignore pretty much everything else around it.
After a leisurely breakfast, Nantes had to go into work for a couple of hours for some appointments he had, so I’ve been left to sit with my thoughts all day.
I hear the television come on in the living room and rise to go check it out. When I enter the room, Nantes is standing, watching the news deliver a story about a horrid car crash on the freeway heading back to Chicago.
“Hey.”
He turns and smiles. “Hey. Good day?”
“Very good day.” I walk over to him and, filled with hope that touching him is okay, I pull him into my arms.
He sinks into me, laying his head on my shoulder, his warm breath fanning my neck. After a few moments, he chuckles. “God, I think I’m touch starved. You wouldn’t think it with a family like mine.”
Rubbing his back, I hold him a little tighter. “Different kind of touch, right?”
“Right.” He slides his hands down my back. “It feels good.”
“It does.”
When he backs up a little, I keep my hold on him, bending my head slightly to taste his lips again. He makes a soft moaning sound as we kiss. I wasn’t trying to make it sexual, but tell that to my dick.
“Fuck, you turn me on,” I whisper against his lips.
“You didn’t change your mind while I was gone?”
I shake my head. “No.”
He nods, but I can still see the insecurity in his eyes.
“What should we do tonight?” I ask.
Nantes shrugs. “We could watch a movie. We could go out again.”
I groan. “No. One night like that is enough for me for the next year.”
He chuckles. “I agree. I could whip up a quick dinner, then, and we can just hang out.”
“I can help.”
Nantes gazes into my eyes, and in his, I see so many unspoken words. I want to ask him what’s on his mind, but maybe it’s better if I don’t. It’ll just make things harder when I have to leave.
“I took the next couple of days off.”
“Awesome. I rescheduled all my patients too. I’m free until Monday, at least.”
“Are you going back to Chicago then?”
“I was planning to stay, if that’s okay?”
“Yeah, of course. I’m glad.” He steps back enough that I have to let him go. “I can make up a quick marinara sauce, and I think I have some ravioli in the freezer.”
I mock gasp. “Frozen ravioli from a Benedetti?”
He chuckles. “Nonna and my mom made them.”
“Ah, that makes more sense. Sounds good to me.”
“Okay, I’ll just change real quick.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
I watch him walk down the hallway, but my attention is pulled back to the TV when I glimpse the reporter standing out front of a very familiar building. No way.
“Police have confirmed prominent real estate mogul and former city council member, Gage Rappaport, was found dead in his home by his cleaning staff early this morning. At this time, the cause of death is being reported as an apparent suicide and there is no suspicion of foul play. Mr. Rappaport has faced numerous allegations of inappropriate conduct with staff and mismanagement of funds, and his real estate empire has been under federal scrutiny in recent months. His death comes weeks before he was scheduled for an extensive audit.”
Whoa. I had no idea he was so high profile. I got lucky this time, but that was sloppy and impulsive on my part. Thank fuck I went the suicide route. It fits the narrative. It sounds like my instincts were right though. He was definitely a piece of shit.
“Holy fuck,” Nantes says, suddenly beside me. He’s focused on the TV and the image of Gage. “That’s the guy from the bar last night, isn’t it?”
“I think so, yeah.”
“He’s dead?”
“He is. Suicide.”
He crosses his arms over his chest. “That just goes to show, you have no idea what people are going through. He seemed so confident and self-assured.”
“Sounds like he had some demons. He was being investigated for some shady business dealings and inappropriate conduct.”