13. Feel Nothing
Shade
The decision to break into the team’s house is easily made. I want to look around and see what else I’ve missed with my pathetic blinders. Then I can make amends with Evie and keep moving forward.
I make my way inside, shaking my head at their stupidity. They haven’t changed the code since I left. I’ve been working with children this entire time. Not exactly a surprise since they were children when they were picked out by Matthias. We all were.
I wonder if any of us have had a chance to just be kids? Would we be different? I know I would probably be dead. My mom was a druggy at that point, in a bad neighborhood, and no money for bills without Matthias’ little job offer.
But everyone else on this team has someone out there that cares about them. Someone they still have to lie to for safety. They could leave this life without any type of repercussion. Be normal like nothing ever happened.
Why don’t they?
Maybe because, like me, this is the only family we’ve ever known. At one point I trusted them enough to have my back. Enough to spill truths about myself none of them deserved. Wrongly as it turns out.
If I had been honest from the start things might have been different. Probably not but that’s fucking life. It would have led me straight into a trap I wouldn’t have wanted to get out of.
I’m not expecting to see anyone as I walk through. They’re supposed to be on Judge Fullerton like flies.
A mistake.
Felix looks up from his phone as I walk into the living room. We stare at each other blankly.
“You’re back?” The look of shock on his face is priceless.
“For my shit,” I explain in a cold tone. The lie I came up with in case someone showed up. I don’t want anything from this house. Or the people in it.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you. Alone,” he clears his throat and looks away.
We really are just giant toddlers, aren’t we.
I look around the living room. Absolutely nothing has changed. Not one item. Whatever Evie broke has been replaced without a dime from me. The not so subtle manipulation to get me back with them through money is pathetic. And I was ready to give it to them. Partially to give them zero reasons to contact me other than work. And because I actually felt bad about bailing out completely. That feeling is long gone now.
He takes my silence as permission to speak.
“You never gave me a chance to explain,” he starts, his hands tightening over his phone.
“Explain what?”
“Melissa. That night.”
I raise a brow. Not much to explain. The cliff notes version was enough. Not to mention the fact that Tera has seen a video if I need proof, not that I’ve ever asked.
“Blaze was ready to try something new. I wasn’t.”
I blink in surprise. This confession is way too late. And another manipulation. If this had been months ago, it might have made a difference. Now it’s nothing. Not even a stirring of heartstrings. He seems genuine. Then again he seemed genuine before. They all did.
He keeps going, digging the hole deeper.
“I was going to ask if we could keep going, without Blaze. You just walked out. It pissed me off. Like it meant so little to you that you could walk instead of arguing, listening. I made a mistake that night. I’ve made mistakes since then.”
“Sure, I could have stayed. Why you think I would want to put myself through that I have no idea. But I could have. You also could have followed me. You didn’t. A choice both of us made and makes a very valid point. I wasn’t the only one that stopped fighting.”
He swallows hard and looks away from me. For a second, I think it’s real. Then I remember the plan to get me closer so they can spy on me. It wipes away the murky useless concern quickly.
He could have done a lot of things to give either one of us hope if it had been real. Instead he gave in to temptation. It’s a blessing really. A wake up call I didn’t want at the time. But ended up being very necessary. To compound things he took the break Matthias offered. Threatened me in another manipulation. Blamed Tera for everything instead of owning up to his mistakes. And now that they’re back he’s using every opportunity to throw Melissa in my face. A million little things that hammered nails in the coffin even when it was fully closed already.
Now that I think about the obvious jealousy play, I have to wonder. It’s another manipulation, sure. But it could have been an attempt on Felix’s part to get me back. Something that could have started an argument and get me talking again. Too bad it backfired. They’ve always been idiots but that deserves an award.
The key takeaway here is that it pushed me toward Evie. Where I’m meant to be. I know it in my bones, even while I struggle with it.
It’s too good to be real. Something is going to break. We aren’t close enough yet for it to be crushing if she bails. But that cliff is coming too close too soon and I’m trying to plant my feet for the inevitable drop.
I always drop and no one catches. It’s been burned into me enough times you’d think I’d stop getting close to the edge.
“Things have gone too far and I want it to stop,” Felix stands to approach me. When he sees how my lip curls over the motion he second guesses the move.
“You can be with South and me at the same time. I don’t care about that.”
Both my brows rise. There is no way that would work. Not to mention I don’t want him anywhere near her. Very magnanimous of him to so kindly offer. Even if this is real he’d waste no time discrediting her.
Everything is so much easier to see without the needy blinders I used to wear around them.
“No,” I tell him flatly. It’s sad how easy the denial comes out of me.
“You’re not just here for a DVD and a shirt,” he snaps at me, his lips flattening in anger.
“You blew it. Get over it. I already have,” I turn and walk away. “Get rid of my shit, I don’t need it.”
Coming here was a mistake. They don’t have shit on me and a search will be useless. I lived here and never once saw through them. What was I hoping to achieve?
Maybe that last little bit of closure. Proof to myself that this is done without my rage taking over.
If so, I’ve found that with barely a glance.
Walking away from this cliff feels way too good, even if he’s being genuine.
We’re all giant toddlers. That doesn’t mean we can’t grow the fuck up.