29. We’re in This Together
South
I stop by the adult store Tera used to work at and pick up a few things. I get a few raised brows at the amount of lube I get and my choice of toys. You would think working here would desensitize them.
I hit a convenience store and get him the snack he mentioned yesterday and a soda. The coffee shop isn’t open yet. The cashier there is desensitized because he offers me a pair of flip-flops to get me home. As if he sees women wander in at almost four in the morning in pajamas without shoes all the time. This town is so odd.
When I pull into the drive Shade’s car is already there, parked off to the side instead of under the awning. I sigh as I shake my head. I’ll have to move it later and make a point of telling him that’s where his car goes.
I gather my bags and go inside.
He’s standing in the living room with his statue mode activated. This time when he sees me he doesn’t relax, his shoulders get stiff and his face freezes up. It’s like he’s barely holding it together. His hair is sticking up as if he’s been pulling it and he’s sweating. His face is pale and there are dark rings under his eyes again.
“Where the fuck have you been?”
I raise a brow at the deadly soft question. If I had woken up to find him gone there would have been questions but not this disrespectfully. I’m not the one that owes today.
“You told me to come home and I fucking did. I have your phone and I couldn’t contact you. I was afraid if I left to find you that you would be pissed. Where were you? ”
The question comes out at a monstrous yell of fury. That’s enough of that.
I snap my finger in a loud pop of sound and point at the couch. I’m not losing my voice yelling like a fool.
His mouth opens and closes as he looks from my pointing finger to the couch. He stalks to it and drops down but braces his elbows on his knees to watch me.
“You are not kicking me out. I’m not going anywhere .”
That’s his first thought? I just got him here, right where I want him. This man makes no sense to me.
He told me he loves me, that I’m his , which is a deep-seated emotion that isn’t pleasant from what I’ve seen on other people. But Tera tells me it’s the most amazing feeling and freeing. How do I make him easy with it and less guarded? I’d like a picture of amazing and freeing.
I guess I need to be patient. I’m not sure what else I can do. I’ll make it a hunting game, he’ll never know.
I shuffle through the bags and set his snack and soda on the table in front of him. He stares at it as if it’s the most confusing thing he’s ever seen.
I leave him there to go around the house stashing lube everywhere, set the toys down in one of the drawers for later, and clean my razor. I take the strap to resharpen it into the living room and set it up.
“Talk to me,” he says in a whisper as he finishes his drink. I notice the snack is almost gone too. I wonder if that’s what helped calm him down. He suddenly looks defeated over there. His cycle of emotions is baffling. I need to study up and figure out triggers and remedies.
“I stopped at a convenience store and an adult shop while I was out. It seemed efficient if you want to stay home again. I browsed for too long, I guess. I’m not kicking you out and no, you aren’t going anywhere.”
I stop sharpening to give him a pointed look. “Which is what I want to discuss.”
“Can you stop sharpening the razor while we talk?” He eyes me with a frown.
I glance at the strap and back at him in confusion. “Why?”
“You don’t think it’s a little intimidating?” He glares.
“I would never use this on you, even if you asked.” Why in the hell would he think I would? “Consider it a ban. I like giving it the treatment it deserves. It’s been helpful more often than not and it started dulling after the second guy. I don’t like putting off a job that needs to be done unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
He drops his face into his hands.
“I don’t get you.”
“I’m the same.” I set aside the razor and strap for the moment. This seems like a sticking point when it shouldn’t be.
“What do you mean?” His hands fall to dangle between his knees as he frowns at me.
“I haven’t learned enough about you yet to make sure I keep you happy. Study only gives me so much, especially when you have the control you do. It’s difficult to decipher the right emotional triggers as it is. I want you to walk me through your feelings tonight and help me understand so I’m better prepared for next time.”
He stares at me with a blank face. He’s studying me like I’m an unknown species. I do that all the time so I recognize it and stay still.
“I was angry he showed up at Tera’s house,” he begins haltingly. “I left because I didn’t want you caught up any more than you already are. I wanted Matthias dealt with so he would leave us alone. Melissa, or Megan, wasn’t factored in. And then you came and you were pissed. I wanted to be home with you but I had to tie things up. Then I got home and you weren’t here and I panicked.”
“Panic. Anger. Worry.”
“Fear.”
I glance at him. “I have the most trouble with that one.”
“I noticed,” he deadpans.
“Why were you afraid?”
His jaw clenches as anger rises.
I hold up a finger and narrow my eyes. “Just so you know I have permission to ignore you when you tell me to fuck off. Now, continue.”
“I was afraid you were running from me,” he bites out through clenched teeth.
“I’m not.”
“I didn’t know that at the time.”
“You haven’t learned yet. I’m hoping repetition will work in my favor.”
“Are you fucking training me like a dog ?” He leans into my face to yell.
“It takes training to learn any behavior no matter who or what you are. You don’t wake up and magically know something. That’s Tera’s mentality. I’m asking you to step away from her thought process and meet me at mine. The more ways I find to keep you happy the more likely you are to stay. Is that not what you want?”
He leans back in surprise to study me.
“If you’re not willing to help I’ll find another way. I thought asking would be the most likely for success. I don’t like being wrong when I guess. The disgust on your face when I fail the game disturbs me.”
He looks at the snack and then the figurines. I do the same, wondering what he’s seeing that I’m not.
“You didn’t know what I drank when you were following me.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
The pointed curiosity in his voice is a turnaround from the anger before. He goes through emotions like a person goes through toilet paper. It’s as amazing as it is confusing.
“I didn’t want to invade your alone time. You knew what you needed better than I did at that point. Except food. But that was easy enough to take care of.”
“And you’ve been studying me this whole time,” his brows furrow. “To keep me happy.”
“Yes. And to play games with you.” My eyes narrow on his slow realization. I haven’t been subtle about any of this for a while now.
“You’re learning as a game but we both win.”
I glance at the razor. Would he be upset if I started sharpening again while he ponders life’s mysteries?
“And I’m your statue,” he looks at the toys and the empty top shelf.
“Your mine,” I agree.
“This whole fucking time,” he chokes out with wide eyes.
“Can I sharpen now?” The razor is practically staring at me from the table.
“The figurines. When did you buy them?” He turns to me as if I never spoke.
I glance at them with a frown. “I started collecting after juvie. Tera started it to teach me something.”
“What was it?” His eyes narrow on me as I think back to that point.
“The lesson was to treat what’s mine with respect or die. I understand that they’re inanimate but I like knowing they’re mine and I can take care of them. They bring color into my life, not anything like you do, but enough for me to notice.”
“I’m a statue. And the top shelf is mine ,” he swallows hard. His expression is something I don’t recognize and leaves me disturbed. He looks overwhelmed but awed at the same time.
“Your expression says that I’m not doing something right. All of this is obvious to me. Don’t try to send me away and explain it.” I lean back against the arm rest to study him again.
“You’re doing fine, baby. You have been for a while and I’m just now figuring it out,” he clears his throat and looks away. “The whole fucking time .”
He looks lost as he glances around us at everything. “When did you decide to move here?”
“A month after I came. You looked like you weren’t going to get better. I wanted to be here to stop it before it went too far. Plus, I can keep an eye on Tera.”
“Why do you want me to be happy?” He asks in a soft tone, his shoulders stiffening up.
I blink at him, baffled.
“Because I’m yours. You said so yourself earlier. I’d like you to be pleased about it. Either way you’re not leaving.”
“When did I say it?” His eyes snap to mine and narrow as if this is a big game. Something that will decide if he can be allowed outside or kept chained up in the house. He’s not allowed to leave. Either way I’ll win.
“When you said I was yours,” I tell him and begin to frown. “Then again when you said you love me. I’ve heard that it’s difficult for people to say and mean it. But you sounded sincere. Both times.”
“If I said I love you now, what would you say back?” He whispers, his lips turning up into a hesitant smile.
I raise a brow. “You’re mine.”
He pauses as if he’s holding his breath and lets the air out slowly. “And you’re mine.”
I nod. “You can say it whatever way is comfortable for you. I prefer this. It cuts down on bullshit and gets to the point. Emotions twist too easily. This is a more stable foundation for you. A sturdy space to land when you fall off your pedestal, with cushioning of course. I don’t want you to break.”
He gapes at me as the rebooting face starts again. When he doesn’t snap out of it after a full minute, I take a picture of him and go back to sharpening my razor. I don’t want to miss it if this expression is amazing and freeing. I’ll ask about it later.
I’m finished and inspecting the blade when he slides across the cushion to press against me.
He’s looking at the razor and frowning hard.
“Is it nicked?” I ask and take a closer look.
“No. I need you to come to bed with me. I’m exhausted and I’d like to hold you.”
I glance at him with surprise. “Of course. I’ll grab you some water while you change and meet you in bed.”
“You want me to wear pajamas?” He asks and gives me a weak laugh.
“You like them and so do I. You’re a little too tired for sex right now and I don’t need the extra temptation.”
His mouth works for a second before he utters, “That sounds perfect actually. I love you, baby.”
He holds his breath as he waits for my reply.
“You’re mine, statue,” I stroke my fingers over his cheek, glad that his panic is finally managed.