30. Something I Can’t Have
30 . Something I Can’t Have
Shade
Something is wrong.
I’ve been drifting in sleep, warm and content. Both feelings are sliding out of my reach. I turn to my side, barely aware, and reach for Evie. My hand falls on flat, cold sheets.
It isn’t right.
My brain struggles to come back online. She should be here but she isn’t. Last time she was on the couch. All I have to do is drag my lazy ass out of bed and find her.
But she should have been here already. I’ve already told her I need her with me. Is this my punishment?
Pissed at the thought, my eyes snap open. As soon as they do, my arms are yanked taut. The back of my hands meet the headboard, smacking my knuckles painfully. I yank against the ties too late. They’re already in place.
My eyes dart to see whatever threat this is and fall on Evie.
For a second my mind relaxes. She’s still with me just not where I left her. Jesus, I’m insane.
Her expression is blank, a natural mask instead of my forced aloofness. She watches me instinctively test the ties and paces down the length of the bed to my feet. A yank has one ankle secured. It doesn’t even occur to me to struggle. My right leg slides across the sheets and becomes immobile as well. I’m spread eagle and helpless.
“Baby? What’s going on?” I test the waters to see if she’ll respond. She doesn’t answer but her brow goes up and her expression finally emerges. A dark smirk of satisfaction. Her eyes roam my tied up form as if she’s admiring a piece of art. It makes my heart beat faster. The simple sight of how much she wants me. It’s a balm exactly where I need it.
“What game are you playing?” I try to tease but I’m shaking. Already ready for whatever she wants to do to me.
I’ve never been tied up before. I’ve wondered what it would be like in a sexual sense. I thought I’d hate it. That I wouldn’t be able to stand being held down. Instead I feel free. It’s odd as fuck.
I don’t have to do anything. All the pressure is off of me for her to do whatever she wants. It doesn’t matter what it is, I know I’ll like it.
She takes her longing look off my body, her satisfaction is heady for me. And I didn’t have to do anything to get it.
“This isn’t a game statue. Not this time.” She lets out a soft sigh as her eyes meet mine. Her lips are curved into a tiny secretive smile but I can’t read anything else from her. Her breathing is even but her nipples are practically poking through her tank top. It’s confusing.
My brows lower as she walks out of the room.
“Evie,” her name comes out on a bark of rage. Is she leaving me in here? How long is she going to keep me like this?
I look at the ropes tying me and blink in surprise. It’s the rope I brought to the party. The ones I was going to use to kidnap her. Black bamboo and soft so I wouldn’t damage her skin. That was never a part of the equation for me. A glance at my ankles shows me the same thing. The knots are hidden behind the headboard so I can’t see what kind they are. I have a knife stashed behind the headboard but it’s just out of reach.
I stop moving around when South comes back in. My body sags with relief too soon. She lifts a dagger up and tests how sharp it is.
I’m so fucked up I start getting hard instead of fearing for my life.
I try to cover it by making my face go empty.
“What are you doing?” I force the words out through a dry throat. I sound like my usual dick self but inside I’m a riot of emotions. My body tenses in reaction as she paces to my side of the bed.
“I told you we would discuss punishment when you got home. I was distracted,” her hushed murmur washes over me, giving me chills. Instead of being cautious I sag into the bed, my body relaxing while my mind whirls.
What the fuck is she about to do to me? And why am I excited to find out?
But I thought we were good. We had our talk, hashed everything out. I found out that in her own way she loves me and I’m never going to be released from her obsession. Sadly having her obsessed with me is more powerful than having the three words I give her. She doesn’t have to speak to let me know that she cares. She’ll kill for me. Do anything to keep me safe. Not that I need the help but the idea of it has me weak in the knees like a fucking virgin on prom night.
She doesn’t say anything else as she slides the knife below my pant line at the hip and starts cutting the fabric off.
I’m starting to see a theme here. Does she not like this pair? Shit, is she going to cut them off me any time she doesn’t like them? I’m down for it. I can replace them.
I don’t feel the knife after the first cut along the cotton. She’s careful, taking her time. The soft rasp of the material being cut is somehow erotic. A sound just for us.
My pants are shredded and she stands on my other side, looking thoughtful. After a second she leans over and cuts my top off too. I can’t get enough air to ask her what the fuck she’s doing. I’m burning up and I want the covering gone so she can see me. See what she does to me.
I struggle to keep myself calm when she whispers, “Lift.”
I make it easy for her to drag the scraps of fabric away. She tosses them aside but stares at my restrained body with a gentle smile. I’m expecting her to touch me. I can see that she wants to. I want her to. But she backs away.
The retreat pisses me off.
“I thought you liked my pajamas,” my voice has gone flat. A natural reaction to cover up how pissed I’m getting. To lull her into what I want to keep me happy.
Her eyes meet mine, just like I wanted.
“I’ll replace anything I cut off you,” she sighs, a sound filled with pleasure I can’t resist. “And buy you more. Make a list of what you’d like or I’ll dress you how I want.”
My head spins in two different directions at that statement. One is still pissed at her egotistical bullshit. The other wonders what she’d dress me in.
I shouldn’t be like this. She shouldn’t accept me like this.
I start frowning as I glance down my nude body. My semi is trying to look back at me as if to say shut the fuck up and let her do what she wants. My mouth doesn’t agree.
“Why am I being punished?”
It’s the worst thing I could have said. I know it a split second after the angry question comes out.
She leans up, removing her hands from the bed. The rough breaths she was starting to get as she stared at me calms. Her expression falls flat, far flatter than I’ve ever seen it. She looks like a doll as she stares at me. I feel like the empty emerald orbs of her eyes are sucking my soul out. I don’t feel fear, only the willingness to give it to her.
She’s absolutely pissed. It’s the first time I’ve seen it. Even last night she gave me no hint of her emotions. Today she’s fully enraged. I poked the bear without realizing it was already awake and starving.
“Why did you leave,” her breathy voice runs over me again. I’m too damn dumb to be afraid at how emotionless she sounds.
My brows furrow at the weird question. She knows why I left.
“To meet up with Matthias. You know that,” I prompt to remind her of our conversation last night.
“Did you have permission?”
A simple question. So simple. It knocks the breath out of me in surprise. My lips move but I can’t think of what to say.
Obsession.
She doesn’t want me out of her sight, even if I’m trying to save her from pain. Just like me last night when I was enraged at the thought of her running away from me.
God, we’re both fucked up. And I’m melting inside because it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of.
“I have to have your permission to leave the house?” My disbelief is written all over me. To cover up how smug I am that a simple walk out has turned her into the raging fiend stalking around me as if I’m dinner. I’ve never had the obsessive tables turned on me like this before.
“Yes,” her voice is calm and final. She turns away from me to dig through a drawer. For her it’s a done deal and there won’t be any refusal. If I protested she’d ignore me and I’d have another punishment headed my way. She has no idea that she’s just blown my mind in the best way possible.
“Why?” I dig deeper. I want her to say it. I need it. I’m vulnerable and waiting for her with everything in me.
“Because you’re mine.”
My heart leaps up into my throat at the words. So much better than I love you.
She turns back with a hand towel filled with items. My brows furrow as she crawls onto the bed, setting the towel aside where I can’t see. She positions herself between my spread eagle legs and picks up an item. A bottle of lube. She spreads some over her palm and rubs both hands together, warming it up.
I’m expecting her to reach for my dick. Instead she gently tugs my balls, covering them in lube. I frown at the odd sensation. I can feel the warm caress further down as she tugs. She reaches out and picks up a cock ring, sliding one and then the other testicle in. The sensation isn’t comfortable but it isn’t painful either.
What the fuck is she doing? Making sure I can’t cum until she says I can? We’ve played that game a few times. The orgasms are fucking powerful. My breath shortens as my legs shift on the soft sheets. She isn’t saying anything or explaining. Yet I trust her without any hesitation.
“It should go both ways. You need permission too,” I pant, watching her hands move. The relaxed expression of pleasure on her face. Anything to distract myself from her tender ministrations. She treats me like I’m something sacred. I’m drowning in physical and emotional riptides.
“It does. I already downloaded an app so you can track my movements. I’ll show it to you after.”
I have to focus on taking in her words. She’s rubbing her hands together again. What’s next?
“What?” I utter dumbly as she picks up another cock ring.
“I’ll only hide from you during a game. Otherwise I’d prefer to be the only thing you see. Barring threats, I guess.” She slides the cock ring over my semi hard dick as I stare in wonder. The sensation and the words combined make me fight back a groan.
Her eyes meet mine again. The connection is everything I need.
“Watch me all you like. I’ll be doing the same.”
I let out a rough breath. My arms pull at the ties, forcing them deeper into my wrists painfully. I want to touch her so badly. I want her naked and under me, over me, I don’t give a fuck. I want her.
“May I ask you a few questions?” Her tone is casual. As if she has no idea that she just ripped my soul out and tucked it into her chest for safe keeping.
“Maybe,” I mutter without thinking. I’m too busy watching her hands.
I swallow hard, trying to prepare myself for when she reaches for my dick. Just the thought of her torturing me like this has me fully erect and filled with tension. But the things she says in her low breathy voice hits me in the chest, amplifying everything until my skin is covered in chills.
She doesn’t touch my skin. Evie reaches beside me again and pulls out something I didn’t expect.
A small black vibrator with an end on one side that has a slight curl to it. I frown at the wand and glance at her.
“Do you like anal play?” She raises a brow at me and shows me the toy.
I look between her and the toy with a frown. This is a twist I never thought about.
“When I got it, yes,” I mutter bitterly. I don’t want to think about that. I only want us to be here.
“Were you topping, statue?” She asks with her own frown. Her hand has lowered, her pleasure in tormenting me washed away.
I meet her gaze without answering. My brain takes over for a split second, making my erection wane.
“I have a lot to make up for, don’t I,” she looks at the toy and begins to smear lube all over it.
I’ve never had a woman take this kind of initiative. I’m more nervous about this than anything else she’s ever done.
“You’re not going to withhold it?” I can’t help that the question comes out mocking. There’s no way she’s going to do this. It’s a psychological play.
Her eyes move to me as her lips tip up in a hungry smile. It drops my attitude like a rock, my heartbeat kicking into a gallop. She’s fucking serious. Fuck. I’m so fucked.
“I’m going to enjoy it,” she tells me with an intensity that feels like she stroked my cock with her fist. I’m no longer worried about my erection. It’s rallying hard enough I feel lightheaded.
“I’ve been studying up. You’ll have to let me know if I’m doing something that hurts you too much. A little pain is a given but not to the extreme.”
My eyes snap to hers in surprise. She’s been studying this?
Because I’m bi. And she’s ready to take over whatever she needs to so I feel satisfied.
“Are you serious?” I watch her handle the toy with her smile. I wish I could take a picture of it. That look is just for me, I know it.
Her smile doesn’t dim as she rubs her soft fingertips along my taint, spreading a generous amount of lube down to my core.
My head drops back onto the pillow in disbelief. Before I can catch my breath, pleasure rolls me under. My eyes shut tight at the forbidden feel of her exploring me so gently. Not rough thrusting that demands. A gentle insidious pressure that has me losing my mind. Every time I lift my head she’s watching me, studying my reactions to everything with that smile.
I’m close to begging her to stop playing with me when I feel the toy. My breathing has gotten harsh, my chest rising and falling quickly as I strain to see. She taunts me with slow thrusts, feeding it into me in small increments. There’s no pain. Only a burning pleasure that I crave. I need her deeper though.
When it seats inside me my eyes roll helplessly. It’s curved on the end, the slightest bit to rub over my prostate. The bulb at the base rides flush on my taint like a thumb applying a little pressure.
“Right there,” I tell her hoarsely. God, it feels so good. Please let her ride me like this. I’m willing to beg her for it. To feel her clamped around my dick, soaking me to my balls. My cock jumps at the thought alone, straining to get inside her from a distance.
My body feels on fire.
I try to catch my breath. I don’t know what’s coming next but whatever it is will break me.
Instead of mounting me and fucking me until my brains are slush she cleans her hands and gets off the bed.
No. Get the fuck back here. Please .
I can’t get the words out as I shift along the sheets, trying to get something more than this full feeling without movement.
She picks up her phone and taps the screen a few times, her smile turning up a little.
I choke as the toy begins to move inside me. That gentle pressure inside that feels like the softest thrust.
“What the fuck?” I mutter, my head rolling on the pillow to watch her.
“Good?”
“Yes,” I moan, my hips moving without thought.
I hear a few taps. An innocent sound with heavy consequences.
It starts to vibrate and increase the pace. My body strains at the pleasure. So many sensations hitting me at once that I lose control. I’m mindless and writhing without any hope of escaping her. I can feel that tingle in my spine that signals I’m about to cum. Instead of release it begins to build. My balls tighten, ready to release and unable to. My dick is throbbing and burning with heat.
“Evie,” I gasp. “Please. I need you.”
I want to be inside her for this. I have to be. It’s all I can think about.
“Are you going to leave without permission, Shade?”
“Fuck,” my teeth grit. I can’t think. She’s asking me something and I need to answer. “I won’t. I won’t leave without permission.”
Everything inside me breaks down with the words. Her punishment is so far beyond anything I’ve ever known. I’m overloaded with pleasure and begging for more. I’ve never considered something like this as torture before.
I see her pale hand reach towards my dick. My hips shift to help her while I moan. She doesn’t touch my burning skin. A gentle press of a finger and a vibration runs up my dick until I yell with pleasure. My balls tense again as the feeling of a weak orgasm rolls through me like a ripple. No cum, just pleasure building with barely there relief.
My back bows as I gasp, another orgasm, weaker than the first, takes me.
I need to cum. I’ve never needed it this badly before.
“Evie,” I grunt in frustration.
I lose my breath when I see her next to me completely naked. Kneeling on the bed at my side watching me lose my mind. Her breath is rough as her eyes rove over me. The ache in my balls gets more intense, almost painful.
She watches me like I’m the only thing she’ll ever need and I’m just out of reach.
“Touch yourself. Touch me. Anything, baby.”
Her head slowly turns to me.
“Are you going to leave without permission, Shade?” Her panting voice is rough. She’s begging me to relent without using words. As if I’m controlling this instead of her.
It clicks over in my pleasure drugged mind in a flash of lightning.
“No.” I tell her firmly, determined to get this out past the pleasure haze. “Baby, I understand. You need to know where I am. I know.”
“Do you?”
She taps on the phone again before I can explain.
The pulse and thrust in my core becomes a heavy driving rhythm. Something meant to make me cum. The pressure inside on the most vulnerable nerve laden spot has me choking on a yell. My cock is throbbing like an open wound.
“Get over here and fuck me,” I demand through gritted teeth. I yank at the bindings, cutting into my skin hard enough to bruise me for weeks.
My rage filled grunts are the only sound as she watches me move.
“Come on, baby. Climb onto my dick,” I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face. I can see how wet she is. She’s fucking ready for me.
“Are you-”
I interrupt her without hesitation. “Not without you sewn into my side, baby. Take what’s yours.”
Her hand snaps out, catching my jaw in a tight grip that I don’t want to get away from. My body moves while my focus stays on her. So much pleasure. I want her with me. Like she read my mind her eyes meet mine and narrow, her fingers digging in hard enough her nails leave marks in my skin.
“You are mine,” she says in a dark gritty tone. “I am yours. No more keeping me in the dark. I’ll do the same. Do you understand me?”
I fucking understand!
I shout at her without words, not noticing that she’s reached for the ring around my balls. When the pressure there releases me I gulp in a breath, my hips refusing to stop thrusting. Every muscle I have is tense when I take in her hungry smile.
“Answer me. I can do this all day. All week. I can be very methodical.”
Her smile turns dark as if she’s willing me to keep going. To endure for longer.
I can’t. I need her too damn badly.
“Are you addicted to me, Evie?” I lick my lips praying for her to say yes while my body rages below.
“Of course,” she says as if she can’t believe I would ask.
“Good,” my grin gets smug. It’s the same for both of us. Everything I’ve ever needed made flesh.
“Yes,” she agrees impatiently. I moan at her slowly unraveling control, working my body as if I’m already inside her. “Now give me what I need so I can cum. I have you. No one will take you away from me.”
The words make the ache in my dick stronger. I need to cum. But I need her words more. She’s hitting every pleasure center at once.
“I’ll never leave. Even with permission.” I grunt. It’s the truth. She’ll never be rid of me. Not even when I die.
Her breathing gets so rough it sends a shockwave through me. Not quite an orgasm but close.
She’s quick to roll the cock ring off. I almost spill right then. I have to slam my head back and fight my own body for her to position me. She’s so wet I practically glide in. It’s the only gentleness she has left.
She slams herself down onto me as hard as the thrusts inside my core.
“Yes, that’s it,” he grunt every time I bottom out inside her. A silky clasp that brings everything into sharp focus.
Her nails dig into my chest as she bows forward, fucking me as hard as she can. I’m thrusting up, making her bounce. Struggling with everything in me to keep from filling her up. It’s like we’re fighting each other. Both of us intent on reaching that peak as roughly as we can.
Her head goes back, her breaths choking as her thighs shake. I can feel her flutter up and down my shaft.
My mind goes blank as I cum. I feel it start and then I’m nothing but pure agony and pleasure mixed up. I know I’m saying something, I can feel the vibrations in my throat. But I have no idea what it is. I’m sucked down into pleasure so hard I’m expecting a crash and wound too tight to catch myself.
Every muscle clenches hard, leaving me straining in a back bend without relief. I lose my air, even the thought of breathing.
Waves of relief wash over me. It isn’t gentle. My body drops, weakened to the point I feel close to passing out. Everything is sluggish and slowed down. The toy hasn’t stopped, making the orgasm blur until it seems endless.
She drops onto my chest, our sweat melding us together. The buzzing thrust stops. I finally figure out what I’ve been saying over and over.
“Evie.”
I’m strangling on sensation and emotion.
Everything falls into a feeling of peace I’ve never had. The same as when we watched tv together. A sense of rightness and belonging.
“I love you, baby. I won’t scare you like that again.”
The words are a drunken slur without alcohol involved.
“You’re mine,” she returns in a voice broken with pleasure.
When she fumbles to get off me I moan, the sensation almost too much on my sensitive flesh. I can’t open my eyes. Everything is weighted down as if I’ve sunk into concrete.
“I won’t let you go,” she whispers into my ear as I pass out.