Chapter Thirty-Two
I sat in my room for a long time. Thinking about what Max had said. Realizing what I’d known at the time but hadn’t been able to admit.
He’d been right.
I wasn’t ready to move forward yet.
The thought of Max wanting me alone…If I let go of who I thought Max had been and accepted who he really was—who we could be together—I’d lose the two of them. Even just the possibility between us. I wasn’t ready for that. Not yet.
That was the truth.
And I had to honor it no matter what anyone thought of my choices. I needed more.
I needed answers.
I needed?—
Pushing off the bed, I went to my suitcase and unzipped it. Hidden in a zipper pocket on the side, I pulled out the note Kingston had given me at the party.
“In a world where nothing is as it seems, your charm is the truth I hold onto.”
It had been bothering me since Kingston claimed his words were intentional the other day.
Because, while it could obviously refer to my charming personality, Kingston had given me a charm when I got here.
From a different pocket, I pulled out the small box tied with a blue ribbon. Nestled in the tissue paper, the gold bauble waited. I picked it up, examining it in my palm.
It was spherical, with a smooth gold surface around most of the outside. But on the bottom, what I’d assumed was the base of the charm, there was glass.
I hadn’t seen that the first time I looked at it.
The bottom surface was black and rounded. It almost looked like a camera lens…or one of the photo keepsakes Gia’s parents had given her as a necklace last Christmas.
As soon as that thought entered my head, it wouldn’t leave.
I went over to the window, holding the charm up. But the sun wasn’t shining straight into the room, and there wasn’t enough light to make anything appear.
If there was anything hidden there for me to find.
I needed more light.
Leaving the room, I raced down the stairs to go outside. As I passed the kitchens, the smell of onions, citrus, and herbs and spices wafted through the air. So strong it was slightly overpowering.
I pushed through the doors to go out back, needing fresh air as much as I needed to follow the possible clue. I got both as soon as I stepped outside.
And I stumbled upon Kingston, unexpectedly.
But it was obvious something was wrong.
He had his head in his hands. He was…kneeling in the grass. His back bent so his covered face almost pressed against his knees.
I tucked the charm in the side pocket of my leggings and walked toward him. As I approached, the alarm building inside me only worsened. From far away, I hadn’t been able to see it. But up close, his whole body shook.
“Kingston?”
His head shot up.
He didn’t turn around but discreetly tried to wipe his eyes before he had to face me.
And my heart faltered.
The suspicion I’d had about him—that there was so much more under the surface—had been right. And while I’d started to piece together that there were big secrets, maybe even dangerous secrets, leading him to live that way, I hadn’t expected to find him like this.
Witnessing how hard he fought to hide, I didn’t understand it or why he felt he had to do it, but I hated it.
Kneeling on the grass beside him, I stared straight ahead so he wouldn’t retreat further.
“You weren’t supposed to see that.”
“Yeah, I figured as much.” Resting back on my heels, I brushed my hands down my leggings. I kept my voice as casual as possible. “But…maybe since I did, you want to talk about it?”
He huffed a quiet laugh. “I wish I could talk about it. All this?” He gestured at himself. “It’s because I can’t talk about it.”
Expelling a deep breath, he sat up higher. His hand trembled as he straightened his clothes.
I frowned, reaching out to take it. Stopping his movements before he could slip back into hiding. He didn’t need to do that with me.
Or, at least, I didn’t want him to.
“What if we just sat here for a minute and talked about something you do feel comfortable sharing?”
He turned toward me. Blue-gray eyes still shining, he cupped my cheek and tried to ease my worry. But his smile was forced, at best.
Shifting my legs out from under me, I leaned back on my elbows and waited for him to follow.
He scanned the lawn, but he either didn’t see a reason not to or decided he didn’t care, because he turned onto his side and stretched out beside me.
With his head propped up on one arm, he followed my movement as I lay on my back, rolling slightly to face him.
We lay there quietly for a few minutes, neither of us breaking the silence or our stare. Eventually, he relaxed.
He stroked my cheek with his left hand, releasing another breath before he began sharing.
“I belong to a family with a lifetime’s worth of responsibility. The weight of traditions from a century ago. Poisoned at the roots but impossible to weed out completely. Being a D’Arthur heir means adhering to rules set by men who had no idea what the world would become today. It also means being the King of Camelot Court whenever we come of age.”
My forehead creased, trying to figure out what he meant.
“You always knew you’d be King? Landon made it sound like there was more to it than that, like they didn’t know who’d be King next year.”
Kingston nodded. “When Camelot Court was created, a D’Arthur sat on the throne first. It was written into the by-laws of the Camelot Society, a D’Arthur always takes his rightful place as King when he becomes a senior.”
“What if that wasn’t what you wanted to do?”
He breathed a pained and quiet laugh. “What I want is of no consequence, love. It’s always been that way.”
I didn’t understand exactly what he meant by that, but I sensed the weight he carried on his shoulders. The pressure to live up to expectations. The demand to do or be what someone else wanted.
Things I’d been fortunate to grow up without, because my parents never wanted that for me. For all the wealth and power Kingston had in his role, it came with a high price.
“Would you have chosen to be King if you’d had a choice?”
“Yes.”
My brow furrowed.
“But only because I’ve learned the quickest way to change things is with power. The easiest way to heal something is by attacking the sickness from within, rather than responding to the symptoms. Wouldn’t you agree?”
I thought about my asthma and the countless appointments, inhalers, and co-pays I’d gone through while all along, the root of the exacerbated problem was something traditional medicine couldn’t heal. It stemmed the worsening symptoms, but it never stopped them.
Because I had to face what poisoned me from the inside before I could even try to breathe easier.
Only facing my grief, seeing that my asthma wasn’t causing those episodes, had finally eased the need for my inhaler during my panic attacks.
My asthma had never been the biggest problem to begin with. The panic…My trauma…
I still had a lot of work to do on it, but at least I wasn’t putting a Band-Aid over a gaping wound anymore, wondering why it wouldn’t heal.
“You’re right,” I affirmed. “But what are you trying to heal?”
“That’s the answer I wish I could give you, but I can’t share with anyone yet.”
“Oh.” I frowned, thinking through that quietly. “This is why things have been happening to me, though, isn’t it? The attack and the drugging? Even Merle questioning me last night?”
His face told me the answer.
“This is bigger than I wanted to believe it was. It’s not just petty girls and creepy dads, is it?”
He shook his head.
I did the same as the severity of the whole situation pressed in on me.
“Why am I still here?”
Forcing a laugh as I asked the question, I wasn’t surprised when all Kingston did was grimace.
“I can’t answer that. Only you can decide if you can handle this or not.”
My lips parted with words I should say. They perched on my tongue, but they refused to leave it.
He cradled my cheek in his palm. “I pulled you into this without thinking. Without considering every move and the potential consequences of my actions. And I don’t regret it. Even more so now, I know it was right. But I was careless. Rash. Words I never used to describe myself until I saw you.”
I leaned into his touch, feeling that familiar, inexplicable draw toward him. Even though everything he told me should’ve sent me running, I couldn’t do it.
He was like a magnet, and I couldn’t stop the pull to him even if I wanted to. As if on a chemical level, my body needed to be connected to his.
“Quinn, I was a fool from the moment I opened your file. And because of that, I put eyes on your back that were never meant to be there. I’ve spent the last thirty days trying to draw them away, but I keep…I keep failing you. Failing all of us.”
I tilted my head. “Failing how?”
“Everything I do seems to hurt you. Or him. Or threaten everything I’m trying to—And I thought I was doing what was best, keeping you both in the dark. Sparing you the details. Protecting you from the people who wouldn’t want you to know the things I do. But…”
His features crumbled, and I took his hand because as much as I wanted answers, I hated seeing him in pain.
He stared up at the house, looking away from me for the first time, and when his voice broke, my heart ached.
“I’m losing him.”
I tightened my grip on his hand. “Why?”
“Because he—” His throat bobbed with a deep swallow, and he looked away from the house. “He doesn’t understand what this is all for, and I can’t tell him without hurting him. What I offered to share with you that day in the kitchen? The things he doesn’t want to remember? They’re the only answers I can give him that would make him understand. But telling him?—”
He pressed his hand over his face, as if realizing what he’d been about to say.
“It never mattered to him before, having the answers. The reasons why. But that…It’s changed. And I’m scared if I don’t share everything with him, I’ll drive him further away, and it’ll ruin any hope we have. But if I do, I could lose him, too. I thought I’d accepted that. Made my peace with telling him. Sacrificing—Losing him if it’s what got us to the end, but I…I’ve done everything I can to avoid it. Even knowing it might take me off the board in the end instead.”
Shaking his head, he laughed, but the sound was harsh and held no joy. He squeezed my hand, and I read the apology in his eyes. As if he realized how vague his answer was but didn’t know what else to say.
“I’m scared if I don’t share more with you, maybe even if I do, it could do the same, and I’ll lose both of you. And we’ll lose everything, anyway.”
I touched his face, trying to ease the lines of stress. “That’s a lot of secrets to hold onto, Kingston, and…they sound heavy. Especially for a guy who makes a habit of asking for trust.”
“They are heavy.”
“Are you sure you have to carry them alone?”
“Yes,” he said. “For now, at least, I do. But this…It helps. I still feel like I’m failing you, setting you up for more pain, by sharing this with you in the hopes of keeping you. But I don’t want you to give up on the end before we reach it.”
He admitted it simply. Sadly. With a quiet acceptance he must’ve reached before he wrote me that note or followed me into the hallway after the ceremony.
“I made one mistake I can’t take back. And wouldn’t. But now, for the first time in my life, I don’t know what to do.”
I couldn’t pretend I knew what he meant, but I did believe his heart was in the right place. That he was trying, and struggling, to do something bigger than I understood.
For the time being.
Eventually, I’d need to know. But for now, I didn’t want to see him berate himself over one moment.
Shouldn’t he have what he offered everyone else?
“You know, a wise King once told me we shouldn’t let one moment define a person.”
He tried to smile, opening his eyes to meet my gaze with no hint of regret or hesitation in his words. “But that moment does define me, love. That move, I still believe it to be the best one I’ve made. For my time as King of Camelot Court and for my future. If we can all hold on until the end.”
He brushed my hair back. His long, lean fingers looped it behind my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.
“Not just for me. But all of us.”
All of us.
Staring up at the house, I assumed he meant Landon, but I wondered if that included Max now, too.
“I hope you’ll stay, even if that’s wrong of me. And I hope…I hope you’ll feel like it’s worth it in the end. That your faith in me and Landon—in all of us—wasn’t misplaced. But I can’t give you the answers I’m sure you need, and…I just need you to know it’s not for lack of wanting to share them with you.”
I slid my fingers over his cheek. My palm tingled as the hint of stubble on his jaw rubbed my skin. Slipping my hand farther up, I brushed the soft curls back from his forehead.
I ran my fingers through his hair, and I hadn’t realized how much I’d been wanting to do that until that moment.
His eyes fell closed, lips parting with a shaky breath. “I can still give you an out, too. Let you walk away with the money.” He swallowed deeply, not meeting my eyes as he continued laying out my options. “You could forget all this. Go home. Be safe. Date a gentleman who treats you…who treats you exactly the way you deserve from day one. Rather than getting into a mess with three broody assholes who can’t get over themselves.”
Our eyes locked, understanding heavy in the space between us. Three broody assholes.
“I should want that future for you, but I can’t bring myself to say I do.” He tried to smile. “I will give you the out, though. If it’s what you want.”
Could I really decide in that moment? It felt like so much to ask, so much trust to give, and I…
I was terrified.
Two choices had been placed in front of me. Running from my true feelings and leaving all of this behind. Or holding onto the hope that the end would be worth what it took to get there.
If I honored my truth.
My voice trembled, and I simultaneously couldn’t believe what I was about to say but also, somehow, wasn’t surprised at all.
“And what if that’s not what I want?”
Hope lit up his blue-gray eyes so brilliantly it nearly blinded me. “Then, you stay, knowing I can’t tell you more until it’s safe. Trusting that if Landon’s at my side right now, that’s only because someone else—someone I didn’t expect—has your back. And hopefully, holding onto faith that all this , everything I’m doing, is so one day everyone in Camelot Court can be free to love without these kinds of secrets or fear.” His grip tightened on my hands. “Without limits.”
No limits.
Kingston made it sound like a dream we’d have to pay for with blood, sweat, and tears, but…It was the life my parents had wanted for me.
Exactly what I wanted for myself.
He ran his thumb over my bracelet. I dug into my pocket and pulled out the charm, holding it out for him to take.
As he held it up to the sun and squinted at the bauble, I realized I’d been right.
Sighing heavily, he held his hand out for my bracelet, asking for permission to place the charm on it.
I nodded.
When he’d secured the charm, I lifted it to peer inside like he had. My brow furrowed at the image inside, a kaleidoscope of color. Undefined smudges that didn’t make sense. I almost asked him what it was, but I already knew his response.
He gave it, anyway.
“You’ll see.” His sad smile stamped down my need for answers. “One day soon, I promise. Quinn, I know it’s a lot to ask, when I’ve given you so little to prove myself. But that’s why the choice is yours. And if you choose to stay, then stay knowing I’m going to do everything in my power to be worthy of your choice.”
He brought my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss into my skin. The warm, soft caress sent sparks of electricity through my body. It raced through my veins as his eyes lifted to mine. Sparkling blue-gray depths holding a million secrets, he stared at me with hope, and every cell in my body held the answer.
So, I swallowed the fear lodged in my throat, and I gave him the truth I could no longer deny. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Secrets or not. Danger or not. Patron saint of monumental idiocy being engraved in my tombstone or not.
Kingston D’Arthur was mine.
And I couldn’t walk away from him to save myself.
I couldn’t walk away from any of them.