Chapter Nineteen
“Thank you,” said Grace, as she walked back to her family’s wagon with Ethan at her side.
Emily ran ahead, waving her bouquet. She caught the attention of Grace’s father, who emerged from the wagon and spread his arms wide.
Laughing, Emily flung herself into his arms, and he lifted her off the ground, spinning her in a circle.
“For what?” Ethan asked.
“For the flower knowledge, and your patience,” she replied. “For making Emily so happy.”
“It was nothing.” Ethan was clearly pleased, though. “I’ve always been good with plants.”
“It meant a great deal to her,” Grace said. “And to me.”
“Well, I am—I am glad.”
He was stumbling over his words. What was the significance of that? Grace marveled over it, wondering what she might have done or said that left him so flustered.
They halted, and Grace’s heart beat a little faster as neither of them moved for a moment. The same unsettled sensation that she’d felt when she drove the wagon returned.
“It was pleasant,” she said. “I know that there is much to worry about on the long way ahead of us before we reach Oregon, but I enjoyed this evening.”
He looked unlike the men in Lexington, at least the ones she’d known. Ethan was rugged and strong, his large form radiating stability and certainty. But in his hazel eyes, there was a warmth and softness like the glow of a candle against a dark wall. “I am…glad. Very glad.”
Grace hesitated, aching to have this beautiful night last just a little longer. “Would you like to talk a little longer?” Ethan shook his head, and Grace’s heart sank.
“I have to join the scouts at dawn. We’re going to survey the road ahead. The recent storms have caused a lot of damage, so we’ll have to go another way. Amos wants us to check that route and make sure that it isn’t also washed out.”
Grace thought of their lost wagon and the one with the broken wheel. She thought of the cluster of people waiting around Dr. Benjamin Holloway for their injuries to be treated. “That sounds dangerous.”
“No more than anything else on this journey,” said Ethan. The stoic man seemed entirely at ease with the prospect, and seeing such quiet strength stirred something inside of Grace.
He was so unlike Charles, but she wasn’t sure why that mattered.
“Well, be careful,” Grace said. “We would all be devastated if anything happened to you.”
Ethan blinked, as if caught off-guard by the remark, but he recovered quickly and gave Grace a reassuring smile. “I’ll be fine. It’s really Derek that you should worry about.”
“He’s trying,” Grace said gently. She didn’t entirely understand the relationship between the two brothers, but she’d seen the way Derek looked at Ethan when they were picking flowers together. Derek clearly wanted to make amends and to become closer. “I hope you can see that.”
“I suppose you’re right, but that’s for Derek and me to work out,” Ethan said, sighing. “Good night, Grace.”
“Good night.”
She smiled at his retreating back and joined her father and daughter by the wagon. Richard had pulled Emily up inside, and she’d already buried herself beneath a blanket, worn out from all her fun. Grace’s father gave her an unreadable look.
“You look like you have something to say,” Grace said as she pulled herself into the driver’s seat.
Her father didn’t speak for a long moment, after which he joined her in the seat and offered a shrug.
“I am happy for you,” her father said. “I am gladdened to see that you’ve made friends on this journey. Even though this trip to Oregon is turning out to be more difficult than we planned, I haven’t seen you this carefree in years.”
Grace let out a low sigh. “I…I suppose that is because I haven’t been this happy in a long time.
” Guilt twinged in her chest. Did she have any right to be happy?
If it wasn’t for her choice to marry Charles, she’d have never gone on this trail.
If she’d chosen a better husband or done any number of little things differently, Emily might have been a happy little girl with a loving ma and pa.
“Emily seems happy, too,” her father said. “She really enjoyed running around and picking those flowers with all of you.”
Grace bit her lip, the weight of her past mistakes creeping up on her like a phantom. “Emily deserves to have a good life,” she said. “One that’s free from everyone’s judgments and assumptions.”
“So do you,” he said.
Grace let out a disbelieving little laugh. Her father would say that, because he believed she deserved the world. He had never blamed her for her failed marriage. Grace loved him for that, even if she did sometimes blame herself, especially when she was awake late at night.
“Of course you do. You’re a good girl, Grace.”
She didn’t feel like she was, though. If Grace were truly good, she wouldn’t have made such a terrible mistake.
Grace couldn’t even decide, in that moment, what the biggest mistake was.
Had it been choosing Charles? Or leaving him?
She remembered clearly, a week after she’d left, when Charles had come to Father’s house and begged to see her.
Grace had pressed herself against the wall that separated the parlor and the morning room and listened to her husband beg to see her.
Grace’s eyes had burned with barely restrained tears, and her chest had been so tight she could barely breathe.
She remembered placing a hand over her stomach as she fought back the impulse to rush into the parlor and tell her husband, once so loving and loyal, that she wanted their marriage to work.
“I want Emily to be happy,” Grace said again, keeping her voice quiet.
“She seemed happy today.”
Would that happiness last forever? Could it?
Even if they arrived safely in Oregon, life could be unpredictable.
The land might not be as fertile as they hoped, her father’s business might not grow like they predicted, or maybe Grace would find that she’d built Oregon into such a paradise in her mind that reality couldn’t possibly meet her expectations.
“You’re a thoughtful mother, Grace,” her father said softly. “I hope you know that. Not just any mother would travel so far to ensure her daughter’s happiness.”
Grace nodded. Her throat was too dry for her to speak.
“Have I upset you? You seem distraught.”
“N-no, that’s not it. I just have a lot on my mind,” Grace said. “I only want what’s best for her, and I just—I’m not sure that I can give her everything that she deserves.”
“All good parents feel like that,” her father said. “I worried that I couldn’t give you a good life once. Sometimes, I still wonder if I could have given you a better one.”
Her father’s reassurances didn’t set her at ease. Grace hadn’t even been able to find happiness for herself. There was no reason to think that she could ensure Emily’s happiness, and even her own father had doubts about her decision to travel to Oregon.
“I don’t know,” Grace said, forcing herself to speak. “There is just—in truth, I’m not sure what the best thing for her is sometimes.”
She looked into the wagon, where Emily was fast asleep beneath the blanket.
Her daughter was still so young and innocent, entirely unaware of how cruel the world could be, but someday, Emily would be grown.
She would be a young woman, yearning for the love and comfort of a husband.
She would want a family of her own. How could Grace protect her from everything that might go wrong then?
Her own father had been a good man who had done his best with her and who had ensured that her every need was met, yet Grace had still fallen in love with Charles.
“You’ll figure it out,” Father said. “Every parent does.”
Grace smiled, but inwardly her chest ached. She wasn’t so sure she would figure it out, and if she didn’t, Emily would be the one to suffer for it.
***
At sunset, a shrill cry echoed through the camp.
Grace jumped to her feet, alarm shooting through her as she recognized Kate’s voice.
She saw Kate, blonde-haired and beautiful, leap into the arms of a beaming young man.
It was only then that she realized Kate’s cry had been one of joy rather than pain.
“I wonder what that was about,” said Hannah from Grace’s side.
They were removing the harnesses from the oxen, something which Grace had recently been practicing doing on her own.
“Should we see what’s happening?” Grace asked.
Hannah gestured for Grace to lead the way. Together, the women crossed the camp. When they reached Kate, she was laughing, her face bright. She looked as if she’d just been told the most wonderful news in her life.
“What’s all this?” Amos asked as a small crowd gathered around Kate and the joyful young man she had embraced, who turned out to be Dr. Benjamin Holloway.
“We are going to be married!” Kate declared.
“Well then, I suppose congratulations are in order,” Amos said, crossing his arms. “When do you plan on doing so?”
Kate and Dr. Holloway exchanged looks.
“I hadn’t given much thought to when,” he admitted. “As soon as we can.”
Kate nodded vigorously. “Yes. Yes, I—I want to be married to you right now!” she exclaimed, laughing. “Can we do it now?”
“As in this very minute?” Dr. Holloway laughed.
“I don’t know about that,” Amos said thoughtfully. “I think we should have the wedding later in the evening. That way, we can work while the sun is still up.”
“Oh, we don’t need much,” Kate said, taking the doctor’s hand in hers.
There was such an easy intimacy between them, even when they stood in front of near-strangers, that Grace had to look away. She felt as though she was intruding on a private moment, one that she had no right to see.
“Still,” Amos said. “We need more than just some hurried words. Why not have the wedding this evening? We can put together a bouquet for you, and maybe we can make something special of it. We’ll have everyone attend.”
Kate smiled and nodded. “Yes,” she said. “Yes, that is precisely what I want.”
“Excellent,” Amos said. “We’ll have you married before we leave in the morning.
” He headed off, and Kate smiled in delight.
She clasped hands with her intended, and the other men and women began chattering with one another, all of them suggesting how they might make a wedding out in the frontier special.
“We might be able to give them some flowers,” Hannah said. “We still have them in the wagon, and quite a few still look fresh.”
Grace and Hannah walked slowly back to the Walker family wagon to fetch the flowers, leaving Kate’s delighted exclamations behind them.
“I suppose it is romantic,” Hannah said with a longing sigh. “Being so in love that you must marry at once.”
“I suppose so,” Grace agreed.
“Do you imagine yourself marrying once we reach Oregon?” Hannah asked.
Grace’s heart skipped a beat. “No, I don’t think so. I have Emily to take care of, after all.”
“You do,” Hannah mused. “But you also mustn’t sacrifice all your happiness for your sister. You are allowed to think about yourself sometimes.”
Grace shook her head. “I already think of myself too much,” she said.
Hannah snorted. “You? Are we talking about the same person?”
Grace laughed.
Once they reached the wagon, Hannah began inspecting the bundles of flowers they’d gathered the night before, trying to arrange them nicely. She held them up to inspect them more carefully.
“It will do for a bouquet,” said Hannah. “Don’t you think?”
“I do,” Grace agreed. In truth, she had never seen a wedding as simple as Kate’s was bound to be.
The only weddings that Grace had attended were lavish parties meant to celebrate the guests as much as the newlyweds.
Her own wedding to Charles had taken a year to plan and had been attended by all her father’s business partners and several important acquaintances, many of whom she had barely known.
“I think I should like to be married,” Hannah said, “if it is anything like it is in novels.”
“I imagine it must be for some.”
Her marriage to Charles had been that way in the beginning.
A lump rose in Grace’s throat. Why hadn’t her own marriage been able to stay that way, kind and loving?
What had she done wrong? Grace clasped her hands together behind her back and looked away, trying to pretend as if she was thinking and not barely keeping herself together.
A surge of longing rose within her, so sudden and fierce that she was nearly sick from it.
“This wedding will be good for morale, too,” noted Hannah. “I suspect that’s the real reason Amos agreed so quickly.”
“Ethan did mention that the road ahead is especially dangerous, so I imagine you’re right,” Grace said.
“So he did,” Hannah replied, giving the flowers a final inspection. “Well, let’s see what Kate thinks of these.”
“Wait!” Grace said, an idea dawning on her. “Just one more thing.” Grace drew the blue ribbon Zachariah had given her from her pocket and held it out. “Something blue.”
Grace gently wrapped the blue ribbon around the bouquet. Despite Zachariah intending on the ribbon going to Emily, Grace doubted that he would protest this use of it instead. It would also send a clear message that she wasn’t interested in having a courtship with him, nor anything else.