Chapter Twenty
When Ethan returned to camp, he found the place bustling with activity.
That was nothing unusual, but there was an undercurrent of excitement which was not often present.
His eyes instinctively sought out Grace before he forced his gaze away.
He had caught just the slightest glimpse of her by the wagon with Hannah and Emily.
Derek whistled between his teeth and swung his arms carelessly. Ethan tried to ignore him, but Derek seemed determined to make him look.
“Everyone sure seems more excited than usual,” Derek said.
Ethan grimaced, a tiny spark of guilt burning in his chest. He had spent too much time thinking about Derek since he’d crashed the wagon. Ethan might have been able to put the whole thing behind him if Derek hadn’t been acting so hesitant, like he was genuinely contrite over the whole thing.
“I reckon you’re right,” Ethan said, trying to soften his tone a bit from the sharpness it usually took on when he spoke with Derek. “There’s something different today.”
“I bet Amos knows,” Derek said cheerily.
Of course he would.
“Hopefully he has better news than we do,” Ethan said.
“Do you really think Isaac is right? Will we need to find another path?”
“Probably.”
Ethan spotted Amos at the same time he caught sight of them. Amos waved them over, leaving a conversation he was having with Zachariah and Richard.
“How is the pass?” Amos asked, keeping his voice low.
Ethan understood at once what was not being said; Amos didn’t wish for the rest of the party to learn what the scouts had seen—not until he could think of how best to deliver the news.
“Terrible,” Ethan said, following Amos’ cue. “It’s all been flooded, and I don’t see any way that we can just force our way through.”
Amos grabbed his hat and slapped it against his thigh in frustration. He grimaced and looked askance, as if he hoped he could change reality itself through the strength of his will. “You’re sure? Is that what Jonathan said?”
Ethan nodded.
“Well, I ain’t gonna argue with him,” Amos muttered.
“Is there a way around?” Derek asked.
“Of course. There’s always a way around,” said Amos, slapping the hat against his thigh once more before returning it to his head. “We’ll find it.”
Ethan shrugged. “Sure.”
He tried to hide his worry, but he wasn’t sure it really mattered.
Amos knew how dire their situation was. The Bozeman Trail was dangerous enough even when everything went according to plan, and they’d been plagued by poor weather and dwindling supplies.
Already, the travelers were whispering their discontent.
If Amos couldn’t keep them all together, the party might fracture, or even turn on each other.
“You came just in time to help with the wedding preparations,” Amos drawled, jerking his head towards Kate as he changed the subject. “She’s marrying Benjamin.”
“It’s going to be a bit sparse for a wedding, ain’t it?” Derek asked.
Amos gave Derek a long-suffering look, something which Ethan felt might be reflected in his own expression. “It ain’t about the wedding, or if it’s a big celebration,” Amos told him. “It’s about giving people something to believe in, lifting their spirits when they need it the most.”
Derek had the grace to appear somewhat chastened that he hadn’t already realized that himself.
Ethan glanced away, his eyes seeking out Grace again.
He realized that Grace and his sister had gathered some flowers and were weaving the pink and purple blossoms into Kate’s hair, which was done up in braids like Ma used to do for church.
“We should help,” Ethan said.
Back when they had picked flowers together, they had been at peace for just a little while. They had been—
Ethan did not dare think that they had been like a family. Derek would never be his brother, even if Ethan could admit that he had started thinking just a little more kindly toward him. And Grace would…
Ethan had told himself time and time again that he shouldn’t keep thinking about that woman, but his resolve crumbled when he thought of her being a part of his family.
She was a good woman, clever and pretty, and any man would be lucky to have her as his wife.
And Emily was a sweet and kind-hearted girl, who any man would enjoy having as a little sister.
Derek cheerfully clapped Ethan on the back. He was so lost in his thoughts that it actually jostled him a little. “I’m going to give Benjamin my congratulations.”
Ethan rolled his shoulder and wrinkled his nose, though Derek didn’t seem to notice. He sauntered away as if there was nothing wrong between them.
Amos looked expectantly at Ethan, who wondered if he ought to say something. He wasn’t exactly sure what that something might be, though. An apology for Derek’s behavior? An explanation of why Derek was the way he was?
At last, Amos snorted. “Derek is young,” he said.
Ethan frowned, but said nothing as Amos walked away. He supposed there was little he could say anyway. Derek was young.
Ethan pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head, struck by thoughts that he’d rather not consider. Like the fact that Derek was indeed a young man, and young men were sometimes foolish.
***
The sunset reminded Ethan of an old patchwork quilt his Ma had sewn together, scraps of crimson and goldenrod and indigo painting the sky.
His sister Hannah stood beside him, her face bright with joy.
Beside her was Grace, looking even lovelier than she usually did in her blue frock with flowers in her hair.
The wind whispered through the air, bringing with it the sweet scent of flowers.
They stood a few feet apart, facing one another as if they were seated in a church rather than standing in the wilderness.
Benjamin and Amos waited at the end of the rows of their companions.
An excited chatter rose from the crowd as Kate emerged from her wagon, escorted by one of her friends, a woman named Rose.
Kate wore a brown calico dress trimmed with white lace, and carried a small bouquet of blue and purple wildflowers tied together with a blue satin ribbon. Her smile was as bright as the sun, and her blue eyes were alight with excitement. A lump rose in his throat. Kate looked so deeply in love.
It made Ethan wonder if a woman would ever look at him like that.
And if she did, could he ever bring himself to marry her?
Ethan wasn’t sure he could find the courage to commit to a woman forever.
The possibility that he might fall out of love with her, or she with him, would always be there.
A knot twisted in his gut at the thought, out of place during what should be such a joyous occasion.
Murmurs rose from the crowd as Kate walked past.
“She’s beautiful,” Hannah whispered with a little admiring sigh.
“She is,” Grace agreed.
Emily clung to her sister’s skirts, swaying a bit. “She looks like a princess!”
“She does,” Grace agreed softly.
Once Kate reached Benjamin, they stood and faced one another with Amos between them. Amos cleared his throat and opened his well-worn Bible.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and this woman. If there is any man who has reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.”
Amos waited for longer than strictly necessary. Ethan couldn’t decide if it was accidental or an intentional pause, as if to make the moment more dramatic. He glanced at his sister to see if she might look confused, but her expression showed only warmth and happiness.
“Very well,” Amos said. “I would like to begin by saying a few words. The Bozeman Trail ain’t for the faint of heart, something y’all have discovered.
Survival requires trusting in and relying on one another.
Together, we are stronger than any of us are alone.
We might say similar things about marriage. ”
Kate let out a small, shaking breath. Benjamin squeezed her hands and smiled brightly at her.
“Marriage, like the Bozeman Trail, is not a matter to be taken lightly,” Amos continued.
“At times, it may be difficult and unpredictable. Life will always present its challenges, but marriage is about finding the best in ourselves and in the person we chose. It is about loving another person so deeply that we cannot imagine living without them.”
A flutter of movement flashed in the corner of Ethan’s eye.
He turned his head and saw Grace delicately dabbing at her eyes with her fingers.
Tears shone in her eyes, something which was not unexpected for a woman at a wedding, but there was something else in her expression that he couldn’t quite identify.
He would’ve said she looked happy, if not for his realization Grace’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.
Ethan would almost say that she looked sad, except he didn’t know why the sight of a couple being happily wed would upset her.
He supposed it was simply one more mystery about Grace.
The thought that there was always more to learn about her filled him with an eagerness to discover as much as he could about her.
“Repeat after me,” Amos told the couple. “I, Benjamin Holloway, take thee, Kate Anderson, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward.”
Ethan did not look at the groom as he repeated the words. Instead, his gaze remained fixed on Grace, whose lips quivered the slightest bit.
“For better or for worse,” continued Amos. “For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ‘till death do us part.”
“For better or for worse.” Benjamin sounded like he was choked with the force of his own emotions. “For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ‘till death do us part.”
Grace’s breath gave a little hitch. What was she remembering that was so dreadful? Or was she just overcome by the scene? Ethan’s mind turned to his own parents. Once, they had been married in a ceremony just like this one. They had sworn to love one another until the end of time.
I wonder if this couple will fare better than they did.
It was a horrid, insidious thought, and Ethan was ashamed for even thinking it. He was a grown man and could take care of himself. Surely, he should have moved past his parents’ failed marriage, shouldn’t he?
“Kate,” Amos said. “Please repeat after me. I, Kate Anderson, take thee, Benjamin Holloway, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward.”
Even if Ethan ought to have moved past being hurt by his parents’ failed marriage, that didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t. And what a wretched man it made him! Who looked at a beautiful ceremony like this and wondered instinctively if the marriage would last?
Ethan saw his sister murmur something to Grace, but he stood too far away to hear the exact words. Grace nodded in response, though her eyes looked as if she was staring at something several miles away.
“I, Kate Anderson, take thee, Benjamin Holloway, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward.”
“For better or for worse.” Amos’ voice never faltered, even as much of the crowd appeared to succumb to their emotions. “For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ‘till death do us part.”
“For better or for worse,” echoed Kate. “For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ‘till death do us part.”
At last, Ethan dared to glimpse at the couple.
His heart was in his throat, his blood roaring in his ears as he gazed at them, both looking so radiantly happy.
Kate and Benjamin looked at one another as if they were the only two people in the world, and a new, snarled knot curled in Ethan’s stomach.
He wanted someone to look at him like that.
He couldn’t ever marry, though, because that marriage might fail.
And even if he’d never walk out of a woman’s life, what if she decided that she didn’t want him anymore?
He could never—and would never want to—keep a woman married to him against her will.
Ethan smothered a sigh. He suspected that most men didn’t think of marriage this way, but he couldn’t keep himself from such thoughts.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” Amos declared. “You may kiss the bride.”
Ethan didn’t watch that part. He looked at Grace and met her wide eyes instead. Dimly, he heard the applause from the happy watchers congratulating the happy couple, but his own body remained motionless. For a heartbeat, he dared to imagine that it was he and Grace who were being applauded.
It was a beautiful and terrible thought. Ethan tore his eyes away from her lovely face. Even if he wanted to marry, which he did not, marriage to a woman like Grace was out of the question. He already knew he couldn’t give her the life she deserved, and there was no changing that.