Chapter 16
Cal
I found Miles by the water, his hands hanging at his sides. We were far enough away from the house that I knew Petra wouldn’t be able to hear our conversation. The drivas were still flying over the waves, the tips of their wings skimming the water as they caught their dinner.
“Ever thought you’d ride on the back of a driva?” I asked, trying to keep my tone light. He must not have heard me coming because he jolted, his head whipping in my direction.
It looked like it took conscious effort to keep his face neutral.
He was working through something, the muscles of his jaw flexing as he stared out over the water.
“I’m sorry about what I said back there,” he murmured, reaching down and picking up a smooth stone then throwing it into the cascading waves.
I shook my head. “I’m not the one who needs an apology.”
His head fell back, a deep sigh leaving his mouth. “Do you think she’ll forgive me? ”
“If she can forgive me for almost driving a blade through her back and forgive you for hand-delivering her to Kauvras, I think she’ll forgive you for a few harsh words.” I leaned down, picking up my own stone before tossing it into the sea.
We stood, throwing stones into the water, watching the waves pummel and swallow them up before pulling them into the sea.
“So, tell me,” I finally said.
“Tell you what?”
I raised a brow at him, but he didn’t look my way. No, he just kept throwing stones. “Something’s been wrong since Eserene.”
He shrugged nonchalantly. “Nothing’s wrong.”
I stared at his profile. His eyes were shadowed. His jaw was scruffy, his cheeks sunken. “Look at me.”
He paused, a stone in the hand hanging at his side. He didn’t turn to me. Instead, he continued staring out over the waves, past the drivas and to the horizon beyond.
“Look at me, Tobyas.”
“I’m not Tobyas anymore,” he snapped, finally turning to me. The sunset bouncing off the sea reflected in his stare, the darkness of his eyes turning it a muted blue. “I’m Miles.”
“Okay. Miles.”
“Tobyas died a long time ago,” he mumbled. “And Miles should’ve died back in Eserene.”
I was silent for a moment, searching his stare for proof that his words were just a cop out. He couldn’t actually mean that. “What are you talking about?”
“I should’ve died back in Eserene. I shouldn’t have made it out of there.” His words were hard, like they were painful to speak. Something like desperation pulled at his features. “I wish… I wish I hadn’t made it out of there.”
My chest seized. I had no idea what to say to him. I tried to keep my face neutral, keep it from showing the spiral my brain had been thrust into. “Listen, brother, I understand that dying in battle is a noble way to go, but– ”
“It has nothing to do with being noble,” he cut in, the anger in his voice rising. His breaths sawed in and out of him, his shoulders rising and falling as he stared me down. “Look at me, Cal.”
My brows furrowed. “I am looking at you.”
“No, look at me. Really, really look at me.”
I leaned closer slightly. All I could see was the sunset’s reflection in his eyes. Except… No. That wasn’t daylight, and it wasn’t a reflection. A tiny, almost unnoticeable blue flame burned in the center of his eye.
I reared back. “What the hell is that?”
Miles turned away, swallowing hard. He picked up another stone, this time throwing with all his strength and letting out a gravelly shout of frustration as it sailed through the sky.
The drivas headed for shore, for the field outside the city to sleep for the night.
I craned my neck to watch them soar overhead, their wingbeats kicking up sand as they passed over us.
My brother finally turned back to me, resting a clenched fist on his chest. He was out of breath, his jaw clenched like the words he spoke were painful. “Malosym… His strike did something to me. It… left something in me.”
I eyed him, willing the panic to stay low in my belly instead of rising up my throat like it wanted to. “What do you mean?”
“It’s…” He let out an exasperated sigh, his brows upturned as he beat his fist into his chest. “I can feel it here. When the wound closed, I think it closed around Malosym’s power and trapped it in my chest. It feels like there’s something foreign in my body. I’ve been fighting it since I woke up.”
“What do you mean you’ve been fighting it?”
He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment. “I… I feel this urge, this sensation sometimes. It’s like a pull to do things I don’t want to do.”
“What things?” I spoke the words carefully, like each one was a ginger step on the surface of a thin pane of glass and if I was gentle enough, it wouldn’t shatter and plunge me into a terrifying truth.
“Small things,” he said. “I’ve been able to resist all of them.”
I kept my voice as calm and even as I could. “Give me an example.”
Miles sucked a breath through gritted teeth.
He didn’t want to tell me any more than I wanted to hear it.
“I was tempted to suggest a longer path to Araqina, one that would slow down the mission,” he finally ground out.
“That’s one. It’s easy for me to resist these thoughts.
Again, they’re all small things, but…I know that’s him in my brain, not myself. ”
It was an effort to keep my breathing steady. That glass beneath me seemed to grow more brittle with each step as I treaded further into this conversation. “Miles…”
“I’m in control, Cal. I am. And…” His fists clenched at his sides, his mouth opening and closing as if he were working up the courage to speak. “I can feel him.”
My blood froze in my veins, my heart right along with it. “What does that mean, Miles?”
He took a shuddering breath, his eyes scanning the horizon.
“There’s a presence. It’s him, I know it.
It’s separate from the other sensation. I can’t tell where he is exactly, but I can…
I can feel him. He’s nowhere nearby now.
” He lowered himself to the sand, and I sat down beside him.
“It’s the only reason I didn’t drive my sword through my own chest the second I realized what was happening, because I was thinking maybe …
Maybe I could be of some use to Petra. If I could tell how far away he was, it might help her make strategic decisions. ”
His head hung between his shoulders, elbows slung over his knees. He looked like a man defeated. His spirit was broken and battered. “Maybe Petra can heal you. Draw it out of you, you know?”
“No,” he answered too aggressively, his eyes hard on mine. “She can’t know, Cal.”
“I’m not going to lie to her. ”
“She can’t know.”
My brows rose. “So you’re asking me to lie to her?”
“I’m asking you to protect her and her mission.”
I scoffed. “I’m not going to do it, Miles. I’m not going to lie to the woman I love. Not again.”
“What good is it going to do if she knows, Cal? She’s going to be faced with the decision to kill me or let me live, and there’s a clear right answer there. Then she’s going to have to live with the decision she’s made, and what do you think that will do to her? That will eat her alive.”
I opened my mouth to answer but promptly snapped it shut. “Fuck!” I shouted, dropping my head between my shoulders. How could I lie to her? How the fuck could I betray her again?
“I don’t want to lie to her either,” Miles continued, “But I don’t see any other option.” He took a deep breath, his posture stiffening. “So, I need you to promise–”
“No.” It was my turn to answer aggressively. The ice in my veins turned to boiling water, sweat breaking out along the back of my neck. “Don’t even think of finishing that sentence.”
“Listen to me, Cal,” he urged, his words fast. “I need you to promise me you’ll end it if it goes too far.”
I shot to my feet, jabbing a finger at him as he stood as well. “Are you out of your Saints damned mind?”
“Look me in the eyes and tell me that if it came down to me or her, you wouldn’t choose her!” he shouted, his volume rivaling that of the waves. “You can’t! You can’t tell me that because we both know the truth! You’d choose her. I want you to choose her. I’d choose her, too!”
Nostrils flaring, I stared back at him. I tried not to focus on the blue light that seemed to glow brighter in his eyes, but it was inescapable. This was now a countdown.
I couldn’t escape the feeling that Malosym was taunting us. Did he know some of his magic had rooted itself inside Miles? Did he do it on purpose? More importantly, could he feel Miles the way Miles felt him ?
My stomach dropped at the thought. Was Miles simply a beacon leading Malosym straight to Petra? Was Malosym just biding his time, building up his power little by little until he had enough to strike down Petra for good?
Fuck.
Miles’ hand landed on my shoulder, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Promise me,” Miles pleaded in a broken voice. “Promise me that when the time comes, you’ll end it.”
It wasn’t going to come to that. It couldn’t. I refused to believe that would happen. He was strong. He had a good heart. But he needed my word. I had to lie to Petra, one final time, for her own good, and for the good of the realm. That was what I had to tell myself.
“Promise me, Cal,” he begged.
“I promise.”
His shoulders dropped, like some of the weight that was pressing down had lifted off and floated away.
“I’m not so disillusioned that I believe there’s any way out of this,” he said quietly, looking back out over the water.
“I want to be of use to her for as long as I can be, and when I can’t be any longer…
” Pain crossed his features as he nodded, a silent acceptance.
We stood side by side, the only noise the ocean waves as they crashed against the stony shore.
“I need to ask you for one more thing,” Miles said after a while.
He was mindlessly turning a stone over in his hand, his face blank.
“When it’s all done, I need you to find Cielle for me.
Please. I need you to tell her I love her. Tell her I’m sorry.”
I nodded. “I told you back in Blindbarrow I’d help you find her. In Coldwater, right?”
“She’s…” He took a deep breath, as if bracing himself for his next words. “She’s from Coldwater. But by now, she’s the Queen of Zidderune.”
The Queen of Zidderune? I cocked my head, thinking back to what I knew about the kingdom and its leaders. “Rayner ascended the throne a few years back, but hasn’t taken a wife if I remember correctly. I don’t think Zidderune has a queen.”
“They do,” he sighed. “And she’s perfect.”
I wanted to ask him more about Cielle, but I could tell by the set of his jaw and the slouch of his shoulders that he needed rest. Not only his body, but his mind.
“You have my word,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry, brother.”
He let out a humorless laugh as he retreated, calling over his shoulder, “Such is life, right?”
◆ ◆ ◆
I stayed on that beach until the last of the sunset faded from the horizon and the moon hung high overhead. The house was quiet when I pushed through the front door and padded up the stairs.
Petra lay sleeping in the large bed, buried beneath a mountain of clean blankets she must’ve found in one of the countless closets in this home. I stared down at her sleeping form, marveling at every part of her.
Her lips were parted, lashes resting against cheeks that were reddened from the flight here. Her hair spread around her like a halo. One hand rested on the pillow beside her, the other strewn over my side of the bed, as if she’d fallen asleep waiting for me.
I slipped out of my leathers and climbed in beside her, pulling both her hands into mine. In the bright moonlight, I traced the lines of her palms. Her hands were so delicate yet capable of devastating power.
She stirred, her eyes fluttering for a moment before they opened and focused on me. Her lips upturned into a sleepy smile as her palm found my face, thumb stroking over my cheek. “Hi,” she whispered, closing her eyes again.
I pressed a kiss into her hair. “Hi. Sorry to wake you. ”
“I was just dreaming a handsome king was slipping into my bed,” she murmured against my chest, and I chuckled. “Did you talk to Miles?”
“I did. Everything’s fine,” I answered, squeezing my eyes shut. The lie was ash on my tongue. “He’s still a bit shaken up from the battle.”
“I’m glad you talked to him,” she said with a yawn before reaching up to kiss me. I wondered if she could taste my lie.
I loved her. Saints, I loved her. We were brought together by the greatest force of evil this world had ever seen, and yet, we were good. She was good. And staring at her peaceful, sleepy face, I knew I’d do anything at all for her to know such peace again.
Including lying to her, one last time. Including taking the life of my own brother.
I just hoped she’d forgive me for both.