CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO ~ ABBY ~ NOW
“Ohh, Edinburgh, how I love you, but you’re showing me just how out of shape I am.”
This breathless lament comes from Drew as we collapse on a grassy spot on top of Calton Hill.
After spending the day in North Berwick, we returned to the city for dinner and a walk.
When Fern suggested watching the sunset from Calton Hill, my heart flip-flopped, and my mind raced to formulate excuses.
Ultimately, I’d dismissed each one as more ludicrous than the last.
“My legs are actually shaking,” Drew says.
“Mine too,” Fern says as she massages the backs of her thighs.
“And you live an active lifestyle!” Drew says. “Walking and yoga and all kinds of other things. Abby, you’re awfully quiet. How are you faring?”
“My thigh muscles are spasming,” I admit. “I got used to all the hills and stairs fairly quickly the last time, but I guess we’re not in our twenties anymore, are we? And I have extra flights of stairs each day at MacKinlay Tower.”
“No wonder Graeme has such firm thighs,” Fern says.
“You’ve been noticing Graeme’s thighs, eh?” Drew asks in a teasing tone.
Fern’s eyes flick briefly to mine before returning to Drew, making me wonder if she’s recalling our conversation from the night of our slumber party. “I know he’s your brother-in-law, but don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”
Drew tilts her head in concession. “I cannot tell a lie,” she says airily. “You could bounce a quarter off that man’s ass.”
I laugh under my breath and shake my head as the two of them cackle.
“Are you offended that we’re objectifying our friend?” Drew asks.
“No, sorry, I was lost in thought.” Lost in memories would be more accurate.
Images and sensations play through my mind and body: Graeme telling me he loved me on this very hill.
The crushing sadness and guilt of knowing I was the reason both of us were hurting.
The way my heart felt like a caged bird, and the knowledge I had the power to set that proverbial bird free and let it soar, but I was too afraid. I’m still too afraid.
Fern hops up suddenly and waves at someone in the distance. “There’s that busker I went out for coffee with the other day. I’ll be back.”
Drew chuckles as we watch Fern jog away.
She waves at Brodie, who’s standing with Graeme near the Dugald Stewart Monument, talking to their parents on speaker phone, then bumps my shoulder with hers.
“What about you, my love? You looked like you were having some Big Feelings when you were lost in thought.”
I’m brimming with Big Feelings and have been since we arrived in Scotland.
Not for the first time, I’m tempted to spill everything to Drew.
While I know she’d understand, there’s always been a part of me that wants to keep this just for myself.
There’s something about the time Graeme and I spent together in a romantic capacity that feels almost sacred.
And so I opt to tell the truth without telling the whole truth. “Graeme and I came up here to watch the sunset on my last night in Scotland.”
“Ahh.” She gives me a knowing look, and for a second, I think she does know.
“So you’re feeling nostalgic? That’s understandable.
” She loops an arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer, resting the side of her head against mine.
“Everything changed so much when you came back home, and I know you struggled to adjust. For ages, I felt like you’d rather be here than there. ”
I’m glad she can’t see the shock on my face or the way my eyes fill with tears. “I thought I did a better job of hiding it,” I say, forcing a light laugh.
“You can never hide anything from me.” She releases me and sits up straight.
Her smile wavers, and once again, I wonder if she knows the truth.
Drew isn’t the type to keep things to herself, though, and if she knew about Graeme’s and my more-than-friends history, I’m certain she’d say something.
Her gaze shifts over my shoulder, and her smile returns.
I follow her line of sight to where Brodie and Graeme are standing. They’re off the phone now and appear to be deep in conversation. “The two of them have had their heads bent together a lot these last few days.”
“They’re happy to be reunited,” Drew says. “The older we get, the harder it is for Brodie to be separated from his family.” She sees me eyeing her and amends, “The rest of his family. It’s helped having you around these last few months, though.”
“Me? Really?”
She chuckles. “Don’t sound so surprised, Abs. Brodie loves you and considers you family as much as I do. We’ve even discussed asking you to live with us on a more permanent basis. It was actually Brodie who suggested it.”
I do a double-take at this. “Wait, what?”
“It’s been so much fun living together again, hasn’t it?” she asks, her voice becoming more animated. “It’s like the old days, but better because we’re not cramming for exams and working on projects. I know you haven’t felt entirely at home with us—”
“Which is one hundred percent a me thing and not a you thing,” I interrupt. “You guys have been so welcoming and have told me repeatedly to treat the place like it’s mine, but I have this weird...mental block. Everything feels so up in the air.”
As the words leave my mouth, another thought enters my mind: Everything is temporary.
Maybe that’s why I’ve felt so unsettled since moving in with Drew and Brodie.
A lifetime of impermanence is bound to catch up with you and mess with your mind.
The first eighteen years of my life were spent being moved around with no say and no control over any of it.
My four years at university were the happiest of my life, but even then, there was an end date.
When I moved to Toronto, I knew my first apartment was temporary.
It was tiny and in a less-than-desirable location, but it was all I could afford.
And although I hate to admit it, when I look back on my relationship with Rodger, as much as I loved him and wanted it to work, even that had a sense of being temporary.
I felt more at home during my two weeks alone with Graeme than I ever did in the condo I shared with my ex.
That realization stirs up a gnawing guilt in my stomach.
I remind myself that even if I’d fully been over Graeme, things wouldn’t have worked with Rodger.
We wanted fundamentally different things out of life, and there was no way to compromise.
Awareness races along my skin. As I turn to look in Graeme’s direction, I already know he’ll be looking back.
He’s always had a way of making me feel like he can read my thoughts.
How the hell am I ever supposed to move on when there’s this unbreakable thread between us?
After all these years, my feelings for Graeme still have a chokehold on me.
As he cocks his head and offers me a tiny smile, it hits me: maybe I’m not meant to move on.
I suddenly realize Drew is speaking, and I force myself to tune back in. “...was thinking of paragliding off Calton Hill tomorrow, but maybe Arthur’s Seat would be better.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I say absently, then jerk my head in her direction and burst out laughing when I see her sardonic expression. “I’m sorry. What were you saying?”
She waves a dismissive hand. “Nothing important. The guys are motioning us over, and I’m guessing it’s because of those big, scary clouds.”
All that remains of the sun is a fiery ball on the horizon. Half the sky is painted in long brushstrokes of varying shades of pink and purple, while heavy, dark clouds creep in from the other side.
“I’ll go find Fern and see if she’s ready to go,” Drew says. She gets to her feet and brushes off her jeans before reaching for my hand to help me up. Once I’m standing, she pulls me into her and gives me a tight hug.
I linger for a moment after she leaves, unable to pry my gaze from the view. This city never fails to take my breath away, especially from a vantage point like this.
I sense Graeme’s presence beside me a moment before he speaks. “Surveying our kingdom?” he asks quietly.
My throat tightens as I turn to face him. The only thing more beautiful than this city is the man in front of me. “You remembered.”
“I remember everything about you, a ghràidh. And everything about our time together.” His brows snap together as his gaze sweeps over my face. “You look like I just slapped you.”
I close my eyes briefly, needing a moment to collect myself and hold the tears at bay. “You surprised me, that’s all. You keep doing that.” At his questioning look, I add, “It’s not a bad thing.”
Drew lets out a shriek a second before cold droplets of rain pelt my face. I scramble to put up my hood, squinting at Graeme as he does the same. With his hand on the small of my back, he ushers me toward where the others are waiting for us.
“We seem destined to get caught in the rain,” I say.
“Well, it is Scotland,” Graeme says.
When we reach MacKinlay Tower ten minutes later, we huddle together on the ground floor, laughing breathlessly as we drip onto the mat just inside the door. Graeme suggests we all leave our jackets and boots down here so we don’t track muddy puddles through his or his parents’ places.
We say good night to the others outside Morna and James’s flat, and continue up to the top floor.
My clothes are damp, and my feet are freezing after walking up multiple flights of cold stone stairs.
As soon as we’re inside, I bolt toward my bedroom, calling over my shoulder that I’m going to change into dry clothes.
Just before I close the door, Graeme calls, “How about I run you a hot bath?”
I peek my head back out to see Graeme standing at the end of the hallway. He looks at me expectantly.