7. Kendall
Kendall
He wrings his hands and picks at his cuticles the same way he used to when he was younger.
He’s different in some ways, more assertive.
He has a quiet confidence now and shadows in his eyes that weren’t there three years ago.
But I know there’s bits and pieces of the old Kai in there too.
The Kai I had known so well and loved even more.
Like the way he gently touched my hand when I sat down, reassuring me without saying a word.
Even if I didn’t deserve it. He’s still Kai—the same, but different.
I wonder how he feels about me. Do I seem familiar and foreign to him at the same time?
I wonder but don’t ask—there’s too many other things I’m thinking, feeling, desperately wanting to say but can’t.
Instead, I stare at a piece of the ripped leather booth behind Kai’s shoulder and focus my attention there, willing myself to breathe in and out.
“I don’t know what to say, Kai. I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. I couldn’t be the reason your life and dreams were destroyed…” I clench my hands hard to try and stop the tears that are burning my eyes, my fingernails digging into my palms.
“I made an appointment. But in the end, I couldn’t do it.
” I turn my head away from him needing to collect myself.
I quickly wipe away a stray tear and continue “I knew he was meant to be in this world, and I was supposed to be his mom. I had made my choice as hard as it was, and I wasn’t sure you would have made the same one.
” It was a half-truth, part of the story, but not the whole thing.
He glares at me, his large, calloused hands in fists on the table.
The temper I had only seen a few times starting to rise to the surface.
The thing about Kai though, is he reserves his anger for people and situations that truly push him past a breaking point.
The person on the receiving end usually deserves his fury.
I know I did. I wait for the hurled insults, the hatred, the storm.
But it never comes. Instead, I watch him carefully try to reel his frustration in the best he can.
He tilts his head, studying me, contemplating.
Does he realize the regret has consumed me whole at this point, like a flesh-eating virus? Can he see right through every lie I’ve ever told him?
Of course he can. He was always good at that. Seeing me even when I didn’t want to be seen. Whatever he was going to say, he thinks better of it.
He lets out a long sigh, head pressed against the booth and replies, “That’s the thing, Ken.
You took away all my choices when you broke my heart and cut me out of your life and I have spent every day of the last two years wondering what I did to deserve that, how I lost the love of my life.
” I can still see the pain and anguish I caused him; it’s written all over his face.
I’m unable to stop the tears now, knowing how much I had hurt both of us.
It would be better if he hated me, if he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as me.
Anything would be better than this nightmare I’ve created.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Kai,” I say, my voice trembling.
“I’m so sorry,” I sob. He immediately slides into the booth next to me, wrapping me up in his arms. Of course, his first instinct is to soothe me, protect me.
I melt into his warm, solid chest and take comfort in the fact that his scent of pine, spice, and something achingly familiar hasn’t changed.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispers.
I shake my head and let out a garbled laugh, “No it’s not. None of this is okay.”
“It’s not. But I think it will be.”
We decide to finish our conversation privately and take his coffee and my tea to go. With my purse in one hand and earl grey tea in the other, I follow him to his car. Once we’re both seated inside his black Audi, he ends the silence.
“I think we can take a break from the heavy for a while, if that’s okay with you? Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to, aside from working at Kip’s.”
He’s offering me an out, a temporary reprieve from pouring gallons of salt into old wounds and I’m grateful for it.
“I only work at Kip’s periodically because the tips are too good to pass up. Full time I work as a paralegal at a firm a few towns over. I’m trying to save up enough money for law school tuition, but putting away money has been…challenging with a two-and-a-half-year-old,” I explain.
“Wait, back up, what happened to law school?” he wonders, confusion on his face.
Right, because as far as he knew, I moved to North Carolina to attend law school.
I gulp, embarrassed about all the lies I’ve intricately woven between us over the past couple years, lies intended to keep him far away from our life.
And now here I am, sitting in his car. I’ve never been this close to someone and felt so far away at the same time.
The history between us feels insurmountable and the baggage weighing us down is a noose around my throat. It’s robbing me of oxygen.
What the hell am I thinking meeting up with him?
“I never went. I mean, I did move to North Carolina to live with my aunt for a while. But I never attended law school. It just didn’t work out,” I admit awkwardly.
“That would have been nice to know,” he mutters under his breath, tightening his grip on the steering wheel.
“What do you mean?” my eyes flick to the wheel and back to him.
“Clearly there’s a lot I don’t know about you. Just forget it,” he says sharply, clearly agitated.
“Yeah, I guess there is. I’m sorry, Kai…” I trail off quietly.
“It’s fine…so Akio, is he in daycare?” he asks, quickly changing subjects.
“Yeah, three days a week. Then I’m usually home with him one day a week and he’s with my mom another day.” Trying to keep the conversation casual and upbeat, I say, “This wasn’t the car I was expecting you to drive.”
“What’s not to like about the Audi?” he smirks, any hint of earlier frustration has disappeared from his face.
“It’s a little loud for you, over the top,” I observe. But something tells me he already knows that.
“Well, I am one of the highest paid players in the league.”
“A little cocky, are we?” I joke and playfully roll my eyes.
He laughs, a deep rumble that I feel in my bones.
I forgot how much I missed his laugh, his smile.
The planes of his face, the scar that runs through his left eyebrow.
His dark eyes that I could drown in. Everything about him really.
He’s still devastatingly handsome, that is not lost on me.
I haven’t been able to get his beautiful face out of my head for the last sixteen hours.
Who am I kidding, I haven’t been able to get him out of my system in three years.
He’s always been there, floating around my periphery, hiding in the darkest, forbidden corners of my mind. Tucked away but never forgotten. The sudden realization impales my chest like an ice pick. My memory of him, all my memories of us together didn’t do him one ounce of justice.
“Not cocky, just stating facts.” He grins. “Your hair is different, shorter,” he adds, running a finger through a loose curl. That simple touch alone sends my head and heart into a tailspin.
“So is yours. It looks good.” I don’t know why I added that last part, the compliment.
I certainly don’t need to, but I want to.
My therapist says I need to spend less time second guessing myself and more time trusting my gut.
I blame the compliment that feels dangerously close to flirting on my gut.
“So, if you don’t mind me asking, are you…seeing anyone?”
I know he’s trying to tread carefully but curiosity seems to draw this question out of him.
I clasp my hands together in my lap, trying to decide how I want to respond.
“It’s okay, Ken, you don’t have to—"
I cut him off, “I want to. I’ve had two short term relationships since we broke up.
Nothing serious. Again, hard to date with Akio, also significantly lowers the dating pool.
” I laugh half-heartedly. “What about you?” Please say no, please say no.
I don’t think I can handle hearing he is in a serious relationship.
He purses his lips together, in deep thought.
“I don’t want to lie to you. I’ve been with a lot of women…mostly in an attempt to get over you. A few short-term girlfriends. Nothing seemed to stick.”
Oh, thank god. Relief floods my veins. My frantic heart nearly bursts out of my chest. Every part of me aches for him, aches for who we used to be together.
“Why don’t you hate me, Kai? You should hate me and I would understand if you did.”
“I wanted to. I tried to. I convinced myself that I did. But seeing you today, I know that’s not true. This, us, Akio is more complicated than that. There’s a lot of layers to it. I don’t think that’s how our story ends.”
“Do you want to meet him? Akio?” I ask shakily.
“Yes, of course. I wanted to ask but didn’t want to be presumptuous or push too hard. We have games the next two weeks up and down the East coast, so I’ll be traveling. But how about when I get back? Would that be okay?”
“Sure,” I reply.
“Do you have pictures of him on your phone?” he wonders.
I smirk. “Do I have pictures of him? I could fill up three phones with the pictures I have.” I pull out my phone and scroll through my camera roll, tilting my phone in Kai’s direction, “Here’s us at the park. He loves the swings.” He stares at my phone in admiration of his son, our son.
“You can scroll through more if you want. Most of my pictures are of him anyway.” He continues going through pictures of Akio, smiling the entire time. At one point, I think I see tears forming in his eyes, but he quickly blinks them away. He hands my phone back to me.
“Thank you for showing me him and meeting with me today.”
“Of course. You don’t have to thank me, Kai.
It was the least I could do after…” After I broke your heart and betrayed your trust. After I went to great lengths to erase you from my life.
I can’t bring myself to finish the sentence out loud, so I don’t.
He nods silently. We exchange contact information before we part ways.
I have to meet the babysitter—I told her I’d only be gone for two hours when I begged her last minute to watch Akio.
Kai has an early afternoon practice to make, but he promises to get in touch with me as soon as he’s home in two weeks.
I think about Kai the entire ride home, our past, our conversation, my head reeling with questions. As I pull into my apartment complex, I hear my phone vibrate with a text in the console beside me. Goosebumps prick my arms, and I know it’s him without having to look.
I couldn’t wait two weeks.
Not when I’ve gone almost three years without you.
I’m glad you didn’t.
I reread the text five times, a mixture of hope and excitement fluttering in my chest and it’s promptly undercut by feelings of dread.
Finally, the impact of what I had done weighs on me.
What if this went spectacularly wrong? What if all this conversation did was make things worse?
What if Kai meeting Akio was a terrible idea?
But I don’t let myself spiral any further.
I refuse to resign us to failure before we even begin.
Because that’s what this feels like, a new beginning.
I turn the key and cut the engine, staring at the Lego keychain with my son’s name on it.
I remember the only man who deserves all my love and attention is waiting for me inside.