15. Kai
Kai
She’s so achingly beautiful it feels like a fist squeezing my heart, an elastic band pulled tight around my chest. She begins shifting on her feet when I realize I’ve been staring at her wordlessly for far too long. But I can’t help it. It’s impossible to be in her presence and not admire her.
Looking to the table, I grab the arrangement and offer it to her. “These are for you.”
“These are gorgeous. You didn’t have to do that though.”
“It’s fine. I wanted to,” I shrug.
Then, out of nowhere, a small human in Spider-Man pajamas appears at her side.
It's like the whole world tilts on its axis; everything about this experience feels surreal. I know even while I’m inside of this moment that I will remember it with perfect clarity forever.
The way he instinctively waddles over to Kendall, his tentativeness, his small hands, the sleep in his eyes.
All of it is a core memory for me. The first time I met my son.
I feel my heart expand the size of the universe to hold all the love I have for this boy I barely know but whom I instantly need the same way I need oxygen.
Is this what being a parent feels like? A love so full you feel like you can’t breathe? Watching your heart walk around outside your body in the form of a miniature version of yourself?
It’s striking how much Akio looks like both of us. His piercing green eyes and bright smile are without a doubt Kendall’s, but so many things about him are undeniably me. His shaggy black hair, his reserved nature. He hides behind her leg and tugs at her jeans.
“Mama, come play,” he pleads.
Kendall kneels down so she is at eye level with him and pulls him close to her chest. “Baby, remember I said we were having company? This is my friend, Kai. He’s really excited to meet you.
Can you say hi?” she says gently to him.
Akio doesn’t budge or make a peep, which is fine. To him, I’m a complete stranger.
She glances from him to me warily and cautions, “Sometimes he’s a little slow to warm up.”
“That’s okay. So am I,” I reply. And I like that he takes after me in that way.
He leans into Kendall, pushing his head against the side of her face, his little hands grasping her chin. It’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. The whole time he’s sizing me up, trying to determine whether I’m someone he can trust. She whispers in his ear loud enough for me to hear.
“I think Kai might have some gifts for you. Maybe we should go check them out, yeah?” He cracks a small smile and nods his head the slightest bit.
They walk over to the table hand in hand, Akio pushing up on his tiptoes to try and see what’s in the bags.
“How about we bring them into the living room so we have more room, okay?” she suggests.
Another subtle nod from him. I follow them into the tiny, cozy living room that has an old denim couch sprinkled with mismatched pillows and a windowsill overgrown with different types of plants.
The room is so unapologetically Kendall with loud, bright colors and boho decor.
Kendall sits on the couch with Akio snuggled at her side and reaches into the first bag.
“I didn’t really have time to wrap anything—sorry.
I wasn’t sure what he liked so I got a little of everything.
” I explain, sitting on the arm of the couch with hesitation.
He reaches excitedly for the massive electronic T-Rex toy before she can get it out of the bag.
He wastes no time rushing to the floor with it and trying out every feature.
We spend the next two hours playing with his dinosaur toys, coloring, making slime, and pretending to be bad guys while Akio chases us around the apartment as Spider-Man. It’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time and it’s the happiest I’ve felt in years.
When we finally settle down, Paw Patrol is Kendall’s first choice when she reaches for the remote, and I immediately know why.
Akio is snoring in her arms in minutes. I stare at them in disbelief.
I thought I knew all the sides of Kendall, every version of her.
But this version of her, as a mom, is quickly becoming my favorite.
I’m in awe of her beauty, her heart, her love for him, and the way she makes being his parent look so easy.
Like she was handpicked specifically for him.
I hope I am too, that I could be the dad he needs me to be.
She stares back at me, a knowing look on her face. “You didn’t have to get all those things, you know. He would have loved you even if you came empty handed—just because you’re you.”
“I know, but I wanted to. I’ve missed out on so much already…I just,” I falter, every word in the English language escaping me.
“It’s okay. I understand,” she answers and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. She sits up, adjusting her and Akio.
“I think we need to wake him or else he’s going to be a monster for dinner and bath time.
” She tenderly rubs his back as she carries him to the kitchen, his whole body melting into hers.
And me, what am I doing other than disrupting the delicate balance of their two person ecosystem?
I’m not sure if my intrusion is what they need in their lives.
It seems like they were doing just fine before I came along, and suddenly, I feel like I can’t breathe.
I haven’t had a panic attack in a while, but it feels like the beginning of one.
My vision starts to blur at the edges and my heart beats erratically.
I can feel my pulse in every available space of my body.
I quickly follow her to the kitchen and announce, “I’m going to step outside for a second. I think I need some air.”
She looks at me with concern in her eyes as she places a sleepy Akio in his highchair.
I nearly sprint outside into the cold night air before giving her a chance to respond.
I force myself to sit on the steps with my head between my legs and take a few calming breaths.
Fuck. I really need to get my shit together.
Tilting my head upward, I take a second to stare at the dark sky dotted with stars.
I can’t panic about the future yet when I haven’t even had the chance to really talk to Kendall about everything.
But not only am I confused about what exactly my role is here, I’m distraught that I’ve missed the beginning of Akio’s life.
I feel gutted, robbed, like something has been stolen from me.
Because it has, hasn’t it?
Time, time. All this precious time. I should be furious, angry, seething.
I should be foaming at the fucking mouth for an argument that would finally bring me some long-awaited answers.
Something that would force all this to make sense.
And I am mad but underneath all that is love.
Anger, resentment, bitterness, those are all solid.
Tangible. Something I can label and hold in my hands.
I feel it everywhere. And every once in a while, it dissipates.
But the ache I have for her in the deepest parts of my heart, that’s fluid, constant, and unflinching.
The need I have just to be near her is strengthened only by time and distance.
It’s harder to ignore and damn near impossible to quell.
I can’t silence that part of myself any longer and quite frankly, I don’t want to.
Still, two and a half years. That’s tough to swallow. That’s time with him that I won’t ever get back and I’m not sure how to forgive Kendall for that. If I even can.
When I walk back in the front door, Kendall rushes me, grasping my arms.
“Are you okay? I wasn’t sure if you had left or not.” She looks uneasy and I know she won’t pry for an explanation, but she deserves one. It’s strange and unnerving to feel like I’m exactly where I belong and at the same time, completely out of place.
“I’m okay. It’s just a lot, you know. A lot to take in and process. I would never leave though,” I reassure her.
“I’m sorry. I know this is a lot. It’s a lot for me too. I think it’s going well though,” she admits.
“I can make my way out if you two are trying to have dinner alone. I don’t want to intrude.”
She looks at me with her brow quirked and a lopsided smile.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Kai. You aren’t intruding.
I want you here. We want you to have dinner with us.
Although I have to warn you, I don’t have a ton to offer.
Akio will have his usual but we’re stuck with whatever is left in the fridge,” she opens the refrigerator door, scanning the top and bottom row.
“Which is not much. Can I interest you in some pickles and leftover fried rice?” She laughs.
“Sounds amazing. Exactly what I was hoping for. Why don’t we have fried rice as an appetizer, and I’ll order us a pizza?” I propose.
“As long as it’s from Marchettis,” she stipulates.
I grin and tap my head with my index finger. “You read my mind.” While I order us dinner, Kendall starts preparing Akio’s “usual”, chicken nuggets, boxed macaroni and cheese, and green beans. Before she can pour the frozen chicken nuggets on a sheet pan, I intervene, placing my hand on her wrist.
“Kendall, why don’t you sit and I’ll finish this. I doubt you have many meals where you aren’t standing.”
She glances from Akio to me. “Okay…are you sure?” she questions, hesitation in her voice.
“Yes. I’m sure. What if I have to make him dinner by myself one night?
I’m not saying anytime soon. But I should at least know how to make his usual,” I suggest, hoping she’ll sit and relax for a little bit.
I take the box of chicken nuggets out of her hand and continue pouring them on the pan.
Akio chimes in with, “Cut, cut, cut,” and I look to Kendall for translation purposes.
She chuckles as she slides into the chair and explains.
“He’s trying to tell you he wants you to cut up the nuggets really tiny and put them in his macaroni and cheese.”