15. Kai #2
“Okay, got it. Cut them up and put them in the mac ‘n cheese,” I repeat, looking at Akio before adding, “Cut, cut, cut” for emphasis. I also offer a chopping motion with my hand, just in case. He squeals with laughter and claps his hands. The sound goes directly to my heart.
After dinner, Kendall takes Akio to his room to have some downtime before bed. When she comes out, I’m standing near the door, not entirely sure what to say. She senses it just like she always does and breaks the silence.
“Thank you for everything today, Kai. I’m so happy you came.”
“Me too. I can’t believe we made him. He’s perfect, Kendall,” I observe.
“I know,” she smiles, her eyes brightening.
God that smile, it rivals the moon and the stars.
The Grand Canyon. The whole fucking universe.
I wonder if she knows how it affects me.
How it has haunted me for years. That all it takes is a simple tug of her lips to turn me into a giddy love struck teenager again.
It makes me fucking weak and wrecks any sense of self-preservation I thought I had.
I want so badly to kiss her and it takes every bit of restraint I have to remain locked in place.
“Do you ever look at him with so much love and pride and joy that you are overwhelmed? Like your heart could explode with how much you love him?”
“Only every day. Multiple times a day,” she answers.
“Good, so that’s a…typical parent feeling?” I wonder.
“Yup,” she confirms, taking a few steps toward me. It’s clear we’re both unsure how to end this conversation, neither of us wanting to say goodbye.
“Listen, Ken. I need to say something and I don’t know how you are going to take it.”
“Okay, out with it. Just say what you need to say.”
“I’m so fucking angry and confused about this whole situation and the things you have kept from me. But I don’t know how to not love you.” I hold my breath waiting for her response.
“So be angry and confused and whatever else you’re feeling.
Every emotion you have is valid and I don’t blame you for them.
But maybe when the dust has settled a bit, let’s talk because there are things we need to figure out.
Just please don’t take it out on Akio. Blame me, be mad at me, but he deserves to see you and know you and learn how amazing you are and have you be a part of his life.
I want him to have a relationship with you and I really hope it’s not too late. ”
“It’s not too late. But I need to know Ken, why now? Why wait three years?” I ask, my voice rising.
“I know I should have told you sooner. I know I wasted so much time. I was scared and so alone. I didn’t know how to tell you and I wasn’t sure you’d forgive me. Akio started asking about you—well, about his dad—recently and I knew it was time.”
There’s more she isn’t saying. I can feel it, but I’m not going to push right now. Our emotions are running high enough today as it is. My need to feel my lips on hers is battling with my desire to flee this apartment and drink myself into oblivion.
“Okay Ken. I will be here as much as you want or allow me to be. But what about…us?” I ask, taking a step closer to her and then another, my breath mixing with hers now.
So much for restraint. It’s currently dangling by a fucking thread.
She bites her bottom lip, glancing down at her hands and then slowly locks eyes with me.
“What about us?” she whispers.
I take her hands gently in mine. “What kind of relationship do you want us to have?”
She doesn’t pull back or move away from me, which is a good sign.
Instead, she leans into me, our noses nearly touching.
“Would it be too forward to say I have no interest in a platonic relationship with you?” God, I love the way she always wears her heart on her sleeve.
And as much as I want to hate her, I know I can’t.
Spending the day with them is proof enough.
If anything, I hate that I can’t hate her.
“Not at all,” I smile. “But this is a very delicate situation, so I think we should take things slow. Is that okay?” Because the truth is I don’t trust her to stay put, to not up and disappear when things get tough.
I definitely don’t trust her with my heart.
Every time I think about how she shattered it into a million unrecognizable pieces, an anger I can’t explain surges inside me.
But then I see her smile, and every broken piece turns in her direction.
I don’t know how to reconcile the heartache that lingers and the fleeting glimpses of hope she offers.
So, right now, I know the only thing that will help us heal and build trust is time.
“It’s more than okay.”
I touch my forehead to hers, a gesture that always served as an unspoken promise between us.
I love you, I support you, and I will be there for you however you need me to be.
I wrap my arms around her waist and breathe her in, her scent of coconut and vanilla enveloping me.
My anger and frustration get lost in the absolute need to be as close to her as possible.
How many nights have I dreamed of having her back in my arms?
Holding her?
Touching her?
It feels wrong, criminal really, leaving her with just a kiss on the cheek and a hushed goodbye. When every cell in my body is screaming at me to kiss her, stay with her, to never let her go again. Like she’s a grain of sand that can slip right through my fingers.
As soon as the front door closes behind me, I feel it. The vast emptiness. There’s a Kendall and Akio shaped hole in my chest and I know every time I return home without them, I’ll be returning without my heart. Because my purpose, my passion, my entire world could now be summarized in one word.
Them.