21. Kendall #3
I wrap my arms around him and hug him, clinging to him like a baby koala.
I can’t believe I ever let this man go. I’m not entirely sure I can allow him to leave this bed now, let alone my apartment later.
This man who always knows exactly what I need without me ever saying the words, who makes my body, heart, and soul ache for him.
“What’s that for?” he asks, holding me tighter, embracing me with his massive arms and cradling my head.
“I just missed you so much. I missed being with you and I missed the way you make me feel and…” Fuck. I feel tears starting to wet the corners of my eyes.
“The earth-shattering orgasms?” he jokes.
I pull away from his chest, eyeing him questioningly, my hand planted firmly above his heart. He realizes his mistake almost immediately, his facial expression rearranging into one of worry and trepidation.
“Is that what this is about for you?” I ask, suddenly feeling stupid and self-conscious and a whole other host of emotions I can’t pin down.
“Kendall, no. This is not just about hooking up or a quick fuck. It was just a joke,” he sighs and places his hand over mine.
“This is about me winning you back. This is about making things work with you if that is what you want. This is about proving to you we are meant to be together despite all the shit life has thrown our way. This is about finally being able to go after what I want and I want you, I want your whole damn heart, Kendall. I want your complicated and your messy and all your fucking baggage, our baggage.” He pauses for a second and I don’t dare say anything, worried I’ll ruin the moment.
Ruin his perfect declaration of everything he has been holding on to all of these years.
He caresses my bottom lip with the pad of his thumb and says softly, “The mind-blowing sex, all the times I get to hear you scream my name, the sounds you make in the dark just for me, the pieces of your soul that only I have access to—those things are just a bonus. The fortunate consequences of loving you.”
I’m certain those words will be my undoing.
“I don’t deserve you, Kai. Your understanding or your kindness.
I don’t deserve any of this. Not after what I did,” I reply, wiping a stray tear from my cheek.
Goddamn it, I really didn’t want to cry in front of him—not yet anyways.
He kisses away the tears on my face so slowly, like he’s terrified I’ll bolt at any sudden movements.
“Regardless of what you have done or what has happened in the past, you deserve happiness and love. We deserve a real chance. And when I say we, know I mean the three of us. Me, you, and Akio. We deserve the chance to be a family. I know you don’t see that yet.
But I have confidence that you will, that we’ll get there. ”
I nod silently, unsure how to respond.
This isn’t the same Kai who refused to let the mask slip, who couldn’t bear the thought of wearing his heart on his sleeve.
This isn’t the shy anxiety ridden teenager who blacked out in large crowds and whenever he had to speak in public.
No, this Kai is dripping with confidence and smooth words.
He’s willing to lay it all on the line because he knows the risk is worth the reward.
This Kai has been burned and he doesn’t want vengeance or closure even.
He wants a future with me. With us. The one thing I’m not positive I can give him.
But I desperately want to believe I can.
That this future he’s talking about isn’t some ludicrous fantasy but something we can build together, piece by piece.
Brick by brick. But to do, that we have to be willing to peel back the layers and expose the cracks in our foundation, the uncomfortable truths that landed us here in the first place.
And I’m not sure either of us are ready to do that yet.
“I want all those things with you too, Kai, I just…” my voice is thick in my throat, all the words I want to say stuck there.
“I know,” he squeezes my hand tightly. “It’s going to take time and patience and work.
But I’m not going anywhere and neither are you this time—if I have anything to say about it,” he smiles wide, melting me into a thousand little pieces.
“Now that that’s settled, how bout we eat something.
I’m thinking pancakes. How do you feel about that?
Does Akio like pancakes?” he asks, tucking a stray curl behind my ear.
“Also, if I’m intruding, let me know. If you two need the day to yourself that’s fine. ”
“He loves pancakes, and I want you to stay, Kai. Spend the day with us,” I clarify.
Spend forever with me. Spend a thousand lifetimes with me and then a thousand more. I don’t want to go one more day without you being a permanent fixture in my life.
“And that’s not just because I gave you a perfect ten out of ten orgasm?” he laughs and presses a soft kiss to my temple.
“It was a fifteen out of ten actually, and no, it’s not just because of that. You’re the better cook out of the two of us—or did you forget?” I quip and jab him with my finger. He wrestles me to the bed and starts tickling me relentlessly.