22. Kai
Kai
After spending the morning decidedly not taking anything slow, I slip out of her bedroom in search of ingredients for pancakes.
I find oil and enough pancake mix for one batch in the cabinets and eggs in the fridge.
Which is honestly better than what I’d anticipated.
Kendall never really liked to cook, that much hasn’t changed.
I try to rummage around as quietly as possible for a mixing bowl, measuring cups, and utensils, hoping Kendall and Akio can rest for a little longer.
Just as my head starts to drift back to her beautiful lust filled face and the sounds she makes when she’s on the edge, I hear a shuffling sound behind me.
I turn around to find Akio in his bedroom doorway, blankie in hand.
He walks over to me warily and looks at everything I have laid out on the counter.
I crouch down to his eye level, hands on my knees. “Hey, Mommy is still resting. I thought maybe I could make us pancakes. Have you ever made them before?”
He shakes his head no.
“Do you want to help me?” I ask and only get a slight nod in return.
This kid is certainly going to make me work for it—his love, attention, and trust. And I know he has me to thank for that.
I wouldn’t call myself unfriendly, but reserved, quiet, guarded—those are accurate descriptors.
But I’m willing to put in the work and effort, whatever it takes.
I’m more than ready to earn that title of Dad.
I pull over a chair to the counter and help him stand on top of it.
“So first, we have to measure the mix. We’ll pour it in this measuring cup.
” I pour in the correct amount, letting him hold the box and pour in a little too.
His eyes widen as he does it and I detect the smallest hint of a smile on his face.
Then I show him how to add the oil and crack the eggs into the mixing bowl, which is arguably his favorite part.
He claps his hands in anticipation when I reach to get another egg from the carton.
“Do you want to try cracking some eggs in your own bowl with me?” He nods excitedly.
I get another small bowl out from the cabinet, break an egg into it demonstratively, and proceed to do one with him with my hands over his. Just as we pour the first two pancakes in the large skillet, I hear Kendall clear her throat behind me.
“So, what do we have here, chefs?” she asks, walking over to Akio and giving him a hug as she rests her chin on top of his head.
Akio shouts. “Eggs Mommy, eggs!”
She smiles at him and he grins back at her with pride, even if all he did was add more shells to the batter. She rubs her nose against his and laughs, “The eggs smell delicious. I’ll get us some plates.” Kendall sets the table for two and pulls his highchair up to the edge.
After I remove the last pancake from the pan and slip it onto my plate, we sit around the table together.
Kendall tears his pancakes into bite size pieces and pours us all glasses of orange juice.
She chuckles as Akio licks syrup and pancake crumbs off his fingers and then reaches for more.
I watch her spear a piece of food with her fork and shove it in her mouth before smiling at me.
She looks at me and tilts her head as if to say what?
“Do I have food on my face or something?” she asks, embarrassment blooming on her cheeks.
“No, you don’t have food on your face, Ken...I’m just happy, that’s all,” I explain, knowing how I feel is much more than that. It's everything. All the pieces start to come together. I might as well be watching the sun rise for the first time. That’s what this moment feels like, the gravity of it.
I could fall in love with this life.
In fact, I already am, and I have no idea how to stop it. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to.
For the first time in my life, I feel whole. Content. Serene. All the chaos in my head is momentarily silenced. I know I’ll be chasing this calm for the rest of my life and I’ll do whatever I need to do to keep it.
***
“So…” I say, edging closer to the door but not quite feeling ready or willing to leave them.
We spent the entire day together and I find myself starting to miss them before I’ve even walked out the door.
I scratch at the back of my neck, hoping she’ll know what to say after the last twenty-four hours that we’ve spent together.
“Thank you for coming to the hospital last night and staying with me, with us. It means a lot,” she finally whispers, moving from the doorway to stand directly in front of me.
“Of course, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I loved spending the day with you guys. I just wish I didn’t have to leave,” I admit, eyeing her cautiously, trying to gauge her feelings.
“Me too, but I do think it’s important for us to have some boundaries, especially with Akio until we figure out what this is,” she gestures, pointing between us.
“So, no more sleepovers?” I joke, trying to hide my disappointment.
“As much as I enjoyed last night and this morning, I don’t think we should have any more sleepovers. Not yet anyways. I don’t want to confuse him. But that doesn’t mean we can’t spend time together, or go on dates…”
“Okay, dates. I can live with that for now,” I answer, brushing my hand across her cheek. She leans into my touch and sighs, staring up at me, like there’s a question on the tip of her lips.
“What about kissing you goodbye? Would that be pushing a boundary?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
And she’s right. We should be setting boundaries to protect Akio.
We shouldn’t be rushing into anything. But I can’t help how much I want her in my life, how much I need her to be mine again.
The smart thing to do, the safest thing, would be to maintain some type of friendship until we have a better handle on things.
But the way she’s looking at me tells me she’s feeling this too, like all caution and restraint have effectively been thrown out the window.
The embers that were stoked when we first reconnected weeks ago, now being fanned into scorching hot flames.
“Yes, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want you to,” she answers.
Thankfully I’m not feeling smart or safe right now.
I don’t hesitate or give her a chance to change her mind.
I grasp her face in my hands and bring her mouth to mine.
She tastes warm and sweet. She kisses me back lovingly, longingly, her hands twining around my neck.
It’s a promise and a declaration of all the unsaid words between us.
This kiss feels like I’ve finally been able to come home.
She pulls back slightly and I really wish she hadn’t. She slides her arms down so they’re no longer clasping my neck and I immediately miss her warmth, her touch.
“Kai, I don't know how to do this. How to be us again with all the history and baggage between us,” she concedes. Her confession stings a little but it’s not surprising.
“Me either, but I think we muddle through until we figure things out. Until we figure out how to be us again. But Kendall?”
“Yes?”
“You know we’ll never be the us we were before all this happened. That version of us is long gone,” I acknowledge and I hate saying the words but I know I have to.
“I’m painfully aware, Kai and I know it’s my fault,” she responds through gritted teeth, her eyes looking everywhere but my face.
“No, that’s not what I mean. I’m not trying to place blame right now.
What I mean is we were young, na?ve…we were practically kids.
” I pause, taking the time to coil my arm around her waist and pull her to me, so close I can feel her heart hammering out of her chest. Our noses brush and she looks up at me through thick dark lashes, relaxing in my arms.
“We may not be able to have the same relationship we had before, but maybe we can have something better, something stronger because we had to work so fucking hard for it. To find our way back to each other. But I want that. I want to find my way back to you. Because make no mistake, Kendall, there is no part of me that ever wanted to let you go in the first place.”
She kisses me again, crashing her mouth to mine and stealing the breath from my lungs, obliterating any rational thoughts I had about maintaining boundaries or playing it safe or whatever the fuck. And I know she feels the same way. She doesn’t have to say it.