41. Kendall
Kendall
I’m lying in the threadbare woven hammock that’s stationed between two sprawling oak trees in the backyard of our summer cottage.
It’s warm but getting cooler out as the ocean breeze sweeps over me.
Kai and I are in Cape Cod vacationing with both our families, the summer after sophomore year of college.
It's the only time of year Kai is granted a break from his demanding hockey schedule.
We spend our nights laughing, kissing, holding each other, touching to the extent that we can with both our parents a few doors down.
We spend our days soaking up the sun, swimming, filling up on ice cream and exploring North Truro.
His father’s low authoritative voice carries over to me. I stop and close the book I’m reading to listen. I don’t think they know I’m back here.
“You know you’re going to have to get even more serious about hockey, Kai. You can’t afford to have any distractions,” he informs him.
“I don’t. You know my schedule, my routine. I barely have time for anything else,” Kai argues.
“Except Kendall,” Takura indicates, leaving something unspoken.
“Dad, I don't want to talk about this again. Our relationship is none of your business. She’s also not a distraction. She’s…”
I’m what?
“Maybe not yet. But she will be. I’m not saying you two shouldn’t be together, just that now might not be the right time. I just think you need to keep your priorities straight—"
“I know, Dad,” Kai cuts him off. “I am. You don’t have to worry about it.”
“Well, I am going to worry about it. There’s zero room for error, Kai.
You don’t have the luxury of being able to afford fuck ups or mistakes.
When people who look like us try to achieve greatness, we have to work twice as hard for the same amount or sometimes half of the appreciation and accolades. ”
The way they’re talking about this makes it seem like they have this conversation a lot. Suddenly I don’t want to keep eavesdropping. I get up from the hammock as inconspicuously as possible and start speedwalking somewhere. Anywhere to get away from what I just heard.
But Kai wouldn’t do that, would he? Break up with me.
Discard me like garbage and forget about us?
Would he sacrifice our relationship for the sake of his career?
I didn’t think so but now I’m not so sure.
Kai’s life has to be controlled, organized, disciplined with tight schedules and strict food regimens.
Daily workouts that leave him exhausted and that’s on top of practices and games.
That’s the cost of playing at a collegiate level.
And getting drafted, playing in the NHL, would require even more of him.
Everything. I am throwing all of that off balance.
I’m chaos and unpredictability. Not intentionally.
But just the fact that he’s in a serious long-term relationship is enough.
He’s forced to carve out time he doesn’t have.
Time that can be better spent preparing for his career.
Am I a welcome face after long days? A reprieve from the pressure of his grueling athletic commitments and rigorous course load?
I don’t know anymore. I’ve always thought I make his life better, enhance it.
The way he enhances mine. But maybe all I am is a distraction he can’t afford.
One more thing he has to devote energy to, that he probably doesn’t have.
And just like that, the seeds of doubt are planted in my heart, watered with insecurities and uncertainty.
Words spoken into existence by his father that before were only soft whispers in my head. This makes it real. Threatening.
It becomes a wild insatiable beast in my chest, snarling and scraping, thrashing with hunger, and yearning to escape. Ready to feast on the parts of me I don’t quite know how to love or nurture yet.
For the first time, I wonder whether Kai’s future—neatly outlined, clearly defined, and laid out for him before he could even walk—if maybe that future doesn’t include me at all.