52. Kai
Kai
Therapy has been illuminating, at least for me.
It would be all too easy to get caught up solely on the snags and mistakes made in the past couple years without acknowledging the first seventeen before that.
Our childhood and the five years we were together were nothing short of perfection.
But I know eventually we’ll have to break down and analyze where we went wrong.
Examine the fallout and the parts we played in it.
We have a lot of complicated terrain to traverse, but if today’s session is any indication, I know we will come out of it stronger.
When we get back to Kendall’s apartment, I convince her to take the evening and do something for herself. I decide to take Akio for ice cream, our first solo outing together. Kendall bends down to hug and kiss him before she leaves and my heart squeezes.
“I love you baby,” she coos.
“Love you too, Mama,” he says while practically crushing her neck with a hug. She rises and turns to me.
“Well, I guess I’m off. I shouldn’t be longer than two hours. You guys will be okay?” she asks.
“Yes, Ken. We’ll be fine. I will send you constant updates,” I promise, grasping her arms in my hands. She gives me a peck on the lips and smiles against my mouth.
“Okay, thanks for doing this, Kai. I’ll see you guys later.”
“We’ll see you later,” I kiss her back. “I promise to tire him out so bedtime is a breeze.”
“You really know how to sweet talk a girl, Kai,” she responds, walking out the door.
Ten minutes later, Akio is safely placed in his car seat that looks a little ridiculous contrasted with the sleek leather interior of my Audi.
Once I triple check all the straps are tightened and he’s secure, I slide into the driver's seat. I realize this is the first time I’ve driven with him alone and it’s a little destabilizing.
But it’s also exciting to have this time to bond with him.
“Who wants ice cream?” I ask emphatically.
“Meeee!” Akio yells from the back seat. I watch in the car mirror as he plays with one of his Spider-Man toys and I drive 15 below the speed limit the entire way to the ice cream shop.
I carry him on one hip into the store while he chants something that closely resembles ice cream, but I’m not entirely sure.
We open the front door and the bell overhead dings.
The scent of sugar, vanilla, and waffle cone waft over to me, instantly transporting me back to my childhood.
Every school event, sports game, and accomplishment growing up was celebrated at Rocco’s.
I’m thrilled to share this tradition with Akio.
While we wait in line, I pick him up so he can see all the flavors and I read a few of them off slowly. “Vanilla, chocolate, peanut butter, mint chocolate chip…hmm, I think I’m going to get mint chocolate chip. What about you?” I ask, turning my head to him.
He smiles and claps. “Mint chip! Mint chip!”
“Okay, are you sure, bud?” I don’t want him to copy my order just to be disappointed.
Especially if he wants something a little more palatable for a toddler.
But then I realize maybe he’s always liked this flavor and maybe he does because I do.
Maybe ice cream preferences are a weirdly inherited trait.
Stranger things have happened. He nods his head enthusiastically.
“Two mint chocolate chips in a cone please,” I say to the gangly teenager behind the counter.
When it’s our turn to pay, I put Akio on the ground to retrieve my wallet and he slips his tiny hand in my free one. He waits quietly, humming to himself and observing everything happening around him. I give the woman at the register a twenty and tell her to keep the change.
“Thanks so much, that’s very generous. And your son is adorable,” she replies.
We sit at a round table shoved into the front corner of the store and eat our ice creams together.
Half of his drips down his face and onto his bright blue and yellow rugby shirt, the other half melting in the cone.
I try to get ahead of it by cleaning him up with napkins and wipes every couple minutes, but I guess this is life with a toddler.
Active chaos and a never-ending mess at all times.
A warm fuzzy feeling seeps into my chest as he beams at me with delight, ice cream in his hair and smeared across his eyebrows. How did he manage to get ice cream there?
But that cozy feeling starts to dissipate when he looks at me and says, “Thanks Kai Kai.” Because that’s who I am to him.
I’m Kai Kai, his mom’s “good friend,” a welcome face at their apartment, and a man who has infiltrated their lives cautiously but not completely.
And I want to be more than that. I want to be his dad and I want him to know he’s my son.
It hits me like a sudden violent force. I know Kendall wants to handle this delicately and doesn’t want to confuse him.
This situation, our situation is complicated and difficult to explain, especially to someone his age.
But I also feel like it’s time he knows, even if he doesn’t fully understand.
I just hope Kendall can empathize with me.
I’m not confident in my ability to reign in this overwhelming paternal instinct.
It’s washing over me like a hurricane. I want to be both protector and provider for them and the drive to love him and guide him is all encompassing.
It’s ready to leave destruction in its wake, but like storms often do, it’s also poised to bring a renewed sense of clarity.
I hope it’s the latter.
***
Later, after Akio has had a bath and is asleep in his room, I broach the subject with Kendall.
“We had a great time today. He loved it,” I comment. “I wanted to ask you about something though.”
“Okay.” She sets her phone down in her lap and shifts towards me on the couch.
“I think we should tell him who I am, Ken. Who I really am, even if he doesn’t quite get it yet,” I explain nervously. Her eyes go wide and I don’t miss the look of alarm spreading across her face.
“Okay…you don’t think it’s a little soon?” she asks, biting her lip anxiously.
“I think that if it were up to me, he would have known who I was a long time ago. But our situation is unconventional to say the least.”
“It’s definitely unconventional,” she agrees but I know she’s worried, unsure of how to respond. “Can I think about it, sit on it for a little?” she wonders.
“Of course. We don’t have to decide or figure it out right now.
It’s just something I think we should start thinking about.
” It wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for, but it was better than shutting me down.
And then because I apparently hadn’t purged enough of my feelings in therapy already, I bring up another sensitive subject.
“Do your moms know we’re back together? I’ve just been thinking maybe it’s time to tell my parents. ”
“They know. I told them recently,” she answers, but her mood has shifted from curious and open minded to visibly on edge. She starts picking the edge of her cuticles while she stares down at her hands.
“Okay. How did they take it?” I ask. I grasp one of her hands in mine in an attempt to disrupt her spiraling.
She snorts. “They were shocked but ultimately, they understood. They never blamed you or anything, Kai. They know the choices I made were mine and mine alone. And they never stopped caring about you when we broke up. I think they’re happy you are back in our lives, it just caught them off guard,” she explains.
“Well, that’s good. Hopefully my parents will have a similar reaction. My mom was devastated when you broke up with me. She loved you like a daughter.”
“I know. I loved them too, Kai,” she says quietly.
And I let this sit between us for a few minutes.
Because when we broke up, it wasn’t just about us.
We threw a wedge in a decades-long friendship between our parents.
When we separated, the yearly vacations together stopped as did the monthly dinners with both of our families.
Both her parents and mine took sides and obviously they both chose their own children.
But maybe if we can heal, we could have something like that again.
All of us. Because whether our parents like it or not, regardless of whether they approve, Kendall, Akio, and I are family already.
Kendall’s words break through my wandering thoughts.
“Remember when our parents first found out we were dating in high school? God, we thought we were so sneaky. Meanwhile, our moms and Mrs. Carlisle had all been scheming behind our backs.” She laughs.
This particular memory causes me to chuckle too, before bringing her face to mine for a kiss.