90. Kendall
Kendall
Kai, this beautiful, amazing dream of a man has proven to me over and over again just how much he loves me.
He loved me even when it was hard, when it had been damn near impossible.
Even when I didn’t deserve it. He had loved me before we even knew what love meant or what it was.
He has always loved me unconditionally and I know he will forever.
It’s my turn to show him there are no conditions, no limits to my love for him.
That he is and always has been my home, my safe place, my peace, and my person.
He’s my soulmate in every sense of the word.
That invisible thread that has connected us since we were kids has frayed but has not broken, and I know now it never will.
It’s time to start running towards that fact instead of away from it.
It’s time to fight for him the way he has always fought for me.
I walk into his room and find him slumped against the foot of his bed, staring at the wall.
He’s wearing nothing but hunter green boxers.
His hair remains shaggy and now that he’s shirtless, I spot scars I wasn’t aware existed.
He’s still every bit as handsome, probably more so like this.
Alone and vulnerable. Open and unencumbered with the pressure of having to please everyone around him.
“Hi,” I say nervously.
“Oh hi,” he looks slightly startled. “I uh, was trying to get dressed and I think I needed more help than I anticipated and yeah, here I am sitting in my boxers,” he says with a dry laugh.
“Okay. Can I sit with you?”
“Of course.”
He’s on the floor, his head resting against his bed and I sit directly above him and start combing his hair with my fingers.
Just like I used to when he was sad or stressed or nervous.
His eyes close and he tilts his forehead so that it is resting against my knee.
I don’t say anything. I just keep weaving my fingers through his hair, making space for whatever he needs in this moment.
After an unknowable amount of time, I feel wetness on my leg. I look down at him, this man who is my entire heart, and he’s crying, holding on to me like I could save him.
“I’m so sorry, Ken. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know how to ask for help. And I feel like my entire life is falling apart. But I don’t want to lose you,” he whispers between heaving sobs.
“You haven’t lost me, Kai. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
“I didn’t know if you’d be able to love me like this. You deserve so much better.” My heart breaks at his words, his uncertainty, his pain.
“Kai baby, look at me,” I cup his face in my hands and bring his gaze to mine.
“I will always love you. I have always loved you. And I loved you way before hockey and completely independent of it, okay? I didn’t fall in love with you because of what you can do with a goddamn hockey stick.
I love you because of who you are and what you mean to me.
You’re the best partner and the most loving, adoring father.
You’re strong and loyal and fierce. You put 110% into everything you do.
You’re selfless and god, you’re so fucking smart.
I fell in love with you because even though you are intelligent enough to do anything, you chose the thing that would probably be the hardest and that would also make both you and your father happy.
I love you more than life and you are enough exactly as you are, Kai Matsumoto. You will always be enough.”
We’re both crying now. He’s kissing me through wet tears.
It's panicked and hungry, desperate and raw. Like we have been apart for years rather than weeks. He’s pulling me further into him, dragging me off the bed.
I slide onto the floor and straddle his hips, trying to be mindful of his injured leg.
“You aren’t getting rid of me again,” I warn, pulling back from his mouth. “You’re stuck with me. Whatever we do from now on, we do together. These are my terms, Kai, take them or leave them,” I tell him, my voice sharp and certain.
“Okay. I’ll take them,” he nods, his forehead against mine.
“I was so worried I would never get another chance with you, be able to make this right. I know how lucky I am. That’s not lost on me.
I’m grateful you’re still here. And I’m not going to do anything to fuck this up.
I’m not letting you go and I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize this,” he promises.
I don’t know if I believe him, if I can fully trust him yet.
But it doesn’t matter because I love him and when you love someone, sometimes you have to offer up trust whether or not they deserve it, whether or not they give you anything in return.
“I know, Kai. I know,” I whisper softly.
“I don’t think you do. I can’t lose you again. It nearly broke me,” he admits.
“Me too. This thing we have, call it fate, soulmates, serendipity, but whatever it is, we weren’t meant to live without each other.
I sure as hell found that out the hard way and this part of me that needs you more than I need oxygen—it goes beyond logic, beyond reason, and I’ve given up on trying to shut that part of me up.
I don’t want to.” God, I can’t stop the word vomit now.
I’m just blabbering, laying my entire heart on the line for him.
“So, we’re soulmates?” he asks hopefully.
“Soulmates,” I respond, kissing him. “Jenna explained it better. Basically she said together we make sense, and when we’re apart, we don’t.”
“That tracks. Jesus, she’s been fucking on one, huh?” he comments. But before I can respond, Jenna’s blonde head appears in his doorway, hands covering her eyes.
“I believe you pronounced thank you wrong, Kai,” she sasses and we both burst into laughter. It feels so good to laugh with him again. I roll my eyes and we say, “Thank you, Jenna,” in unison.
“You’re welcome. Now I’ll be around for the next week or so, alternating between Ken’s and my mom’s if you guys need me.
But it seems like my work here is done and I’ve been craving a pizza from Marchetti's. Feel free to resume whatever this is,” she states, waving her hand in front of her, gesturing at us and grinning.
“Bye Jenna,” we both shout. I press my lips to his again as soon as she’s gone.
“Kai, I say this with as much love as possible, when was the last time you showered?” He isn’t ripe, but he doesn’t smell super clean either.
“Yesterday morning maybe?” The fact that he’s unsure is enough for me.
“Why don’t we do that first?” I suggest.
“I believe we were just in the middle of making up,” he points out.
“I think we can manage both.”