Chapter Sixty
JESS
‘Jess!’ Luke says, looking suitably horrified. ‘This isn’t … It isn’t … ’
‘Oh, I think it’s exactly what it looks like,’ I tell him, then spin around and pin my gaze on my best friend. ‘Don’t you, Hannah?’
She blanches. ‘Jess … I … I didn’t mean to. This is all a horrible misunderstanding! I—’
I walk right up to her, much too close for comfort. ‘Don’t even try! I saw what you did! I heard you … “You know it’s me you want”.’ I do a pretty good impression of her breathy last words to Luke before I disturbed them.
‘Jess … ’ Luke says from behind me. He knows I’m seriously close to losing control.
I hold up a hand, shoot a look back to him that says, I’ll deal with you later!
before turning my attention back to Hannah.
She starts to cry but I feel no pity. If anything, it just makes me angrier.
‘What did I ever do to you, huh? Was I that much of a crappy friend that you decided one day to just up and wreck my marriage?’
She has the nerve to look offended. ‘That’s not what happened! I didn’t mean to—’
I throw my hands up in the air and step backwards. I have to get away from this woman or I’m not going to be responsible for what I do. I let out a harsh, dry laugh. ‘Oh, well, that’s okay then. You didn’t mean it. That makes everything better.’
I walk away from them and stare at the inky ripples on the lake. How did you miss this? I ask myself. On top of everything else. Were you blind to this too?
I turn back around to face Hannah. My tone is calmer now, but no less harsh. ‘Seriously, Hannah? I saw how it destroyed you when Connor was unfaithful to you. You know how much that hurts, and yet you were prepared to do it to me. My husband and my best friend? That’s a double betrayal!’
She shakes her head. ‘You don’t understand!’
‘Then explain it to me. I know I’m not perfect, Han, but I think I’ve been a really good friend to you, especially in the last couple of years.
’ I risk a glance at my husband. ‘In fact, we’ve both been good friends to you: Luke gave you a job when you needed it.
I was there for you any time of day or night while you were going through your divorce.
Sometimes you were round our house so much it felt as if you lived there with us.
And all the time were you just trying to steal my husband because you couldn’t hang on to yours? ’
It’s a low blow, I know. Connor would’ve cheated no matter what Hannah did, but I want to hurt her like she’s hurt me. I don’t care if I’m being unfair.
But instead of putting her hands on her hips and scowling at me, Hannah steps forward, placing a gentle hand on my arm, her expression filled with pity.
‘I’m so sorry, Jess … but we can’t help how we feel.
It’s been brewing for months, years maybe, and I think your big anniversary just kind of put everything into perspective for Luke. ’
I shake her arm off and shoot a worried look at my husband.
He meets my eyes. ‘I swear … I have no idea what she’s talking about.’
Now it’s Hannah’s turn to look confused. ‘I know we’ve never really been brave enough to say it out loud, Luke, but now’s the time … It’s better for everyone – especially Jess – if we just rip the plaster off and tell it like it is. We love each other.’
‘No,’ Luke says firmly. ‘I love Jess.’
‘The Jess you just moaned to me about not ten minutes ago? The Jess who’s oblivious to everything in your marriage and can’t see how lonely you feel?
’ Hannah throws back. If I didn’t know her as well as I do, I’d guess she was getting angry, but she’s not.
She’s scared, desperate. Bizarrely, that causes hope to shoot through me like a lightning bolt.
‘Yes,’ Luke replies hoarsely. ‘That Jess.’ And then he turns to me, puts his hands on the outsides of my shoulders and looks me deep in the eye. ‘I do. I do love you, even though all of what Hannah just said is true. I’m just not sure if you feel the—’
He’s prevented from answering fully because I launch myself at him and wrap my arms tightly around his neck. ‘I love you, too,’ I whisper into his warm skin. ‘More than you realize. More than I ever realized, too.’
His arms come around me, squeezing me to him, and then he pulls back, puts a hand either side of my face and then kisses me.
Somewhere behind us I hear Hannah let out a distressed hiccup. ‘But … but … ’
Luke and I pull away from each other and turn to face my supposed best friend.
‘You know there’s more to us!’ she whispers, looking at him as if she’s waiting for him to come and save her.
He just shakes his head.
‘When you asked me to help with Jess’s present, I knew it was because you wanted an excuse to spend time with me. You didn’t need me to sort all of that out; you know you didn’t! And we spent way longer texting and talking about it than we really needed to.’
Luke glances at me, then replies, ‘Because I was uncertain about how Jess was feeling about our marriage, I was second-guessing myself horribly, and I knew I was going out on a limb choosing what I did. Getting your input saved me from losing my mind over that!’
Hannah’s lip quivers. ‘What about all the times you’ve been there for me, stayed late at work to talk to me? You’re always hugging me, sharing secret jokes. You know there’s something special there. I know you do!’
She looks so utterly desolate that if I wasn’t a hairsbreadth away from clawing her face off with my blunt nails, I might feel sorry for her.
‘I was being a good friend,’ Luke says helplessly. ‘That’s all.’ He turns to me again. ‘That’s all, I promise!’
Deep in my gut, I know this is the truth.
I know Luke’s need to make everything right for everyone can lead him into overcommitting himself, to getting far too sucked into other people’s drama that boundaries get blurred – something I realize we are going to need to talk about if we manage to hold on to each other after this night.
I also know Hannah well enough to know how, after Connor, even a small drop of kindness from a decent man must have been intoxicating.
I understand it, but it doesn’t mean I forgive it. Luke is at fault, maybe, for not seeing how vulnerable she was and how she might read more into things, but Hannah should have put the brakes on as soon as she knew she was starting to have feelings for him.
You’re so lucky to have such a wonderful man beside you … I wish I could find me one of those.
Hannah’s words from earlier that evening come back to me as a light bulb switches on inside my head. She hasn’t been very good at hiding how she feels, even from me, and yet I was blind to all the red flags. Even when she got all territorial and was practically spitting with jealously over Elena.
Because I trusted her. As a best friend should. But I realize this is just a symptom of a wider problem: I’ve put my faith in all the wrong places.
I invested in my mother when she really wasn’t ready for it and then couldn’t bring myself to give her a chance when she was.
The one person I should’ve trusted completely was Luke, but I let him down because I had no belief in myself.
However, whatever errors I made trusting or not trusting, this current mess is all on Hannah.
‘I think it’s time you left,’ I tell her. ‘Luke and I have a lot to discuss.’
Hannah looks at Luke, who nods. When he reaches for my hand, she lets out a strangled sob, turns and runs down the path in the direction of the hotel.
Luke and I stare after her until she turns a corner and disappears from view, then turn back to look at each other, neither of us really sure what to say now our moment has arrived. It feels too big, as if so much is hanging on so few words.
Eventually, Luke clears his throat. ‘Listen, Jess … I hope you realize there wasn’t anything going on from my end back there. I honestly wouldn’t have gone round there if I’d had any idea she would—’
‘No. It’s okay. I saw you back off, even heard you say “no” to her. I’m not angry with you.’
He looks relieved but surprised, and rightly so. Probably. Old Jess might have got insecure and had a moment.
‘But we do need to talk.’ I’m hoping recent events might have shocked him out of his previous mood, that maybe I might be able to get through to him.
He nods. ‘But not here.’
‘No.’
We both look back at the white mansion that is just about visible through the smattering of trees near the lake’s edge.
‘I don’t really want to bump into anyone,’ I say, rubbing my arms, which have erupted into a million goosebumps. ‘But my things are back inside.’
Luke catches my gesture and instantly peels his jacket off and puts it round my shoulders. I shoot him a grateful look. ‘Thank you.’
He shrugs. I know he would have done the same thing for anyone, but I’m choosing to take it as a good sign. ‘I’ll sneak in and grab our stuff. What do you need and where is it?’
‘My bag is at the table in the function room. That’s it, really. Apart from my shoes – they’re somewhere in the rose garden.’
‘Your shoes?’ Luke exclaims suddenly looking downwards, his eyes opening wide. ‘Jess! Your feet must be freezing!’
‘A little … ’ I’m not looking forward to walking back across the damp, lumpy grass to retrieve them. On the journey out here, I was so powered by desperation, I hardly noticed it.
He looks at me and then down at my feet again, and before I can even react, one arm comes around my back, the other under my knees, and he scoops me up.
I instinctively cling on to him, looping my arms around his neck, and pressing my cheek into the warmth of his chest. ‘Luke! You can’t carry me all that way! I’m too heavy.’
He shifts me in his arms to get a better grip, sets his face in the direction of the main building, and starts walking. ‘Watch me.’
Almost half an hour later, our Uber pulls up a short distance down the street from our house.
We thank the driver and get out, then watch him drive away.
Neither of us make a move towards our front door.
I don’t know what Luke’s thinking but, to me, it seems as if all the old arguments and resentments are swirling around in the air waiting for us there.
‘Do you think we can go somewhere else?’ I ask. ‘Neutral territory?’
He nods. ‘Good idea.’
‘But where?’ It’s after one and it’s not like we’re in the city centre, where we might find somewhere open until the wee hours. This is Beckenham, the heart of leafy, sleepy suburbia.
Luke tips his head to one side and looks at me. ‘I think I might know a place.’