Chapter Sixty-One
JESS
We arrive outside the iron railings of Kelsey Park. I close my fingers around one of the posts and try to open the gate. A chain on the other side rattles. ‘It’s locked.’
I hear a thud and when I look up Luke is steadying himself after landing on the path on the other side of the gate. ‘I know.’
I look down at my dress. ‘I’m never gonna get over there in this!’
‘What do you mean?’ Luke says a hint of dry humour in his tone. ‘It’s got a split.’
I stare back at him through the bars. ‘You’re delusional. Do you know that?’
He only smiles. ‘Do you remember that night we snuck into the old open-air pool before it closed down so we could go skinny-dipping?’
A smile tugs the corner of my mouth, partly because of the memory of that night and partly because of another one that this Luke will never be party to, but is still fresh in my mind. ‘We were a little crazy back then.’
He just stands there, waiting. I must be nuts too, because I hitch my skirt up to allow greater leg movement, then put one foot on the crossbar of the gate.
It’s easy enough to get to the top – thanks to my profession, I’m more flexible than most women my age – but it feels an awfully long way back down again once I’m up there.
I look down at my husband. ‘What do I do now?’
‘Swing your leg over.’
I clutch harder on the railings on top of the gate. ‘But I’ll fall!’
‘I’ll catch you. Trust me.’
I haven’t got much choice. He’s on the other side, and we need to talk. But when I said I’d do anything to save my marriage, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t what I had in mind.
I’m tempted to close my eyes, but I don’t. Instead, I very gingerly swing my other leg over, place my heel back on the crossbar through the vertical struts and then … let go. A split second later, I meet Luke’s solid torso.
‘Oof!’ he says, then gently lowers me to the ground.
‘Okay?’ I look after him, as he holds me steady, thinking how, earlier that evening, I wondered if I would ever get the chance to touch him again.
I’m grateful for this small moment, when he’s forgotten his anger, when he’s looking down at me with that familiar protective expression.
‘I’m good.’
He releases me and begins walking. I follow him.
We walk for a few minutes without speaking, turning onto the main path that weaves through the park, past the waterfall, skirting the edge of the lake with its purpose-made island for ducks in the middle.
I feel I need to be looking Luke in the eye when I say what I need to say, so I wait until we reach the playground and sit either side of a picnic table next to the locked-up kiosk that sells coffees and ice creams.
‘So, what was all that rubbish earlier?’ he asks me. ‘If you wanted to address issues we have, that was a weird way to go about it.’
‘I know that made you angry, and I’m sorry about that.’
‘So, you’re taking it all back?’
I take a deep breath. ‘I can’t, not if I’m going to be fully transparent with you, not if you want me to tell you the truth.’
A muscle in his jaw flexes and his shoes scuff on the tarmac. I know he’s resisting the urge to get up and walk away, but I can’t back down. All I would be doing is repeating the mistakes of the past.
‘I have no idea what’s going on with me,’ I tell him. ‘Maybe I’m ill, you know … ’ I tap my temple ‘ … in here. Or maybe I just had a really vivid dream but, to me, what I told you feels real – as real as you and I sitting here right now.’
He’s scowling, staring at the rough wood of the table. He’s struggling to believe me.
‘Look at me, Luke?’ He obliges, his brows dipped low, eyes unsure.
‘In all our years together, have you known me to lie – I mean, not just say “I’m fine” when I’m not, but make up huge, preposterous stories?
If I lie, which I freely admit I have done in the past, it’s nearly always by omission. I clam up. I hide things.’
He sighs. ‘No. That’s true.’
‘I’m not asking you to believe everything I said, but can you at least give me the benefit of the doubt at the moment and allow that I believe it and listen to what else I have to say?’
‘I suppose so.’
I rack my brains, trying to find something useful to start with. I tried the truth and it didn’t work.
Or maybe I didn’t.
I told Luke part of the truth, but I left out all the important bits.
I think back to all the deep, honest conversations I had with the other Luke over the last five or six anniversaries, times when I dug into my soul, when I showed up as myself instead of who I wanted to be, or even who I pretended to be.
‘I’m sorry,’ I tell him. ‘I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way, although I didn’t realize they were mistakes at the time.’
‘You weren’t the only one, believe me.’
I reach out and rest my fingers lightly on the back of his hand. He doesn’t pull it away so I carry on. ‘I realize I’ve been emotionally checked out for the last few years and that must have been very frustrating for you.’
His eyes narrow, as if he’s unsure how I managed to hit the nail on the head. ‘Yes. Why was that, Jess? Have you … have you fallen out of love with me?’
The pain in his eyes almost breaks me. ‘No,’ I whisper, because that’s all the volume I can manage. ‘I love you so much. Maybe that’s the problem.’
‘The problem?’
I start weaving together threads of heartfelt discussions I had with the other Luke, hoping I can form something he will understand. ‘I was scared of losing you, of not being good enough for you.’
‘That makes no sense. If you were scared, why didn’t you just try harder instead of giving up?’
I sigh. ‘That’s what most normal people would do. That’s what you would do, but it appears my subconscious had other ideas. I started pulling back, protecting myself. A punch won’t hurt as much if you can’t reach to get a really good hit in, will it?’
He gives me a look. ‘I would never punch you.’
‘You know what I mean. Deep down, I thought if I wasn’t perfect, you’d leave me – and that’s nothing to do with you!
’ I add quickly. ‘I know you’ve always had my back.
It’s a “me” thing. I didn’t think I was worthy, and I thought, one day, you’d realize that too, and it would all be over.
So every time you brought up a very valid issue, it felt like criticism, as if you were just confirming everything I feared, and I panicked.
But doing that for years on end is exhausting, so eventually, I put up walls to protect myself.
I just didn’t realize I was shutting you out at the same time. ’
He turns his hand over and grips my fingers. His palm is warm and comforting. ‘I’ve always known you were complicated, but I loved you because of that, not in spite of it.’
I smile weakly. ‘Sometimes, I felt like a “fixer-upper” project you were being very patient with but might abandon eventually.’
Something glints in his eyes, and I know I’ve hit home with that. ‘I’m sorry if I made you feel that way, but you have to know – I would never give up on you, Jess.’
I return the sceptical look he gave me a few minutes ago. ‘That’s not quite true, is it? You did. Earlier this evening.’
He exhales and grips my hand harder. ‘That was me just getting frustrated, not seeing a way through. I wasn’t one hundred per cent sure I was done, even though I said I was.’
‘I understand why you said what you said. I just want you to know that I do love you, more than ever, and that I believe in you. I just didn’t believe in myself very much.’
He lets go of my hand, lifts his backside off the seat and reaches over the table to hold my face, then delivers the softest, sweetest kiss.
‘No worries. I’ll believe in you for the both of us.
’ He lets go, untangles his legs from his side of the picnic table and I do the same and, suddenly, we’re standing, wrapped around each other and our lips meet.
When we’ve finished kissing, I rest the side of my face against his shoulder, quivering on the inside as I ask, ‘So, about the next ten years … yes or no?’
He pulls back to look in my eyes. ‘I said “yes” ten years ago today, and I haven’t changed my mind.’
We walk back through the park, my hand enclosed by Luke’s larger one. ‘Luke?’
‘Uh-huh?’
‘Around our fifth anniversary, you know, when we went to Venice, was Elena ill?’
Luke stops walking and looks at me sharply. ‘How did you know that?’
Even though I felt sure of the things I’d experienced in my heart during the last two weeks, it gives me a jolt to know I’m right. ‘You told me.’
‘No, I didn’t! She was adamant she didn’t want anyone to know.’
‘It was just something that happened, you know, while I was … doing my other thing.’ I skip over using the words ‘time travelling’. That sounds unhinged, even to me. ‘But it’s true? That definitely happened.’
‘Yes.’ Luke begins walking again. ‘Actually, there’s something I need to tell you too. It’s back – Elena’s cancer.’
My hand flies to my mouth. ‘Oh, no! Oh, God! That’s awful.’
He nods sadly.
‘Like last time, she doesn’t want it publicized. Even though she seems so confident on the surface, I think she hates the thought of anyone thinking of her as weak.’
I slide my arm around his back, pulling us closer together. ‘I can understand that.’
‘She’s having chemo – well, just finished, actually – and I’ve been keeping her company during her sessions.’
My head swivels so I can look at him. He keeps walking, guiding us. ‘You have?’
‘Yes. I feel a bit ashamed I didn’t tell you about it, now I think about it. You know I said I was helping at Matt’s scout group on Wednesday evenings?’
I nod. I vaguely remember that happening back in what feels like the distant past but was actually only a fortnight ago.
‘Well, some weeks I was with Elena instead.’
I absorb that information as we continue walking. ‘It seems like there’s a lot we’ve been holding back from each other.’
‘Yup.’
‘We probably ought to look at changing that.’
‘Yup. Turns out I was doing exactly the same as I accused you of.’ He sighs, stops and turns to me.
‘I’m sorry, too. I thought I was saving you by not telling you how disconnected I’ve felt for months now, but I think it just made things worse.
Elena kept telling me to talk to you, but I ignored her advice …
mostly. I thought I was being noble but actually I was just being a wimp. ’
‘And how’s she doing – Elena? Is it going okay?’
He nods. ‘The doctors are hopeful. She’s just waiting on the latest set of results.’
‘Perhaps … perhaps we should have her round for dinner sometime soon. If she wants to come, I mean?’
‘Yeah. I think she might like that.’
We smile at each other, and I feel a new warmth flowing between us. ‘Did we just act like a team instead of boxers in opposite corners of the ring?’
‘I think we did.’
I study the locked gate that is now only a short distance in front of us. ‘I think we might need a bit more teamwork to get me over that gate, otherwise I’m going to flash my knickers to half of South East London.’