Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
What the hell was he supposed to say?
To Will…or to Hannah?
He felt even greater shame now. With Will, as he’d had no idea about seeing Sarah and his plans, and with Hannah for gripping him by the guts as he watched her face. Had she stayed away for so many years because of my actions? He feared so.
Ben unclenched his eyes when he heard the shed door scrape open.
He didn’t know how to begin as Will shut the door and stood there, cowboy hat resting against his thigh, looking as uncertain as he had the day he’d come home from the rehab hospital.
Ben’s chest hurt as the words tried to push their way out.
Then he knew what to say. “Get me out of these handcuffs, you numbskull, so I can hug you.”
Will ducked his head and strolled over. Ben didn’t ignore the slight hitch in his gait.
He’d done his best to ignore it, not wanting to make Will feel bad.
But maybe he shouldn’t have. Maybe the limp was a sign of the true pain his brother had been carrying around.
The cuffs came off, and he thrust out of the chair, grabbing Will in a bear hug.
Which only made him think about his brother calling him a grizzly.
He pounded him on the back brother-like, squeezing him for all he was worth.
“I may roar like a bear, but you can roar back too, you know.” He felt Will rest his head against his shoulder, and the vulnerable gesture made his eyes burn. “Dammit, Will. You’re my brother. My twin. You should have told me all this. If you can’t tell me…”
Will pushed back and met his eyes. “Exactly.”
The punch landed in his gut, and he fought to keep from snapping back. “Fine. I wouldn’t have listened, and knowing that makes me ashamed.”
“Stop feeling ashamed, dammit! It’s not getting us anywhere.”
Ben took a breath. Will was right. He was a grown man, and what had he done at the thought of seeing Hannah? Run like a scared kid. “Look, I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me. That’s on me. But I want your promise. Even if I act like a jerk, I want you to get in my face and tell me what matters.”
When Will only remained silent, Ben nudged him in the chest. “Will, I almost lost you—you have no idea how hard it was to see you like that. I won’t stand for you keeping all this stuff to yourself and going behind my back.”
His brother looked down at the cowboy hat in his hands. “Ben, I love you too, but I don’t want to have to cowboy up to talk to you. I certainly don’t want to have to fight you. I just want my brother back.”
Ben’s throat clogged up. “I hate that you think I was gone.”
That earned him a return shove. “I know you were there every step of the way after my accident, but I want the brother who used to throw snowballs at me or would tell me how happy he was seeing a foal born. Cooper is the only person who makes you come alive like that anymore.”
The hurt was heavy, the kind he still wanted to run from.
But he couldn’t run anymore. He had to step up.
Will needed him to be different. Like he’d known from the first moment he’d held Cooper that his son needed him to be there for him.
“All right. You have my word. I’ll mend my grizzly bear ways.
You want to open this center, I’m one hundred percent behind you. ”
“Despite you bitching about never having outsiders on Wild Mountain and our land?” Will shot back. “Like when you refused to sell to James Taft?”
He pressed his teeth together to stop muttering under his breath.
He knew all his arguments, and those were out the window now.
“Which time? Taft is an entitled asshole billionaire masquerading as a two-year-old who doesn’t like hearing the word ‘no.’ You’re family.
I figure you’ll keep them contained at that place of yours and not let them weave their way into our cattle or the rest of our animals. ”
“And Hannah?” he pressed. “Because you can give me your word, but seeing her at the ranch isn’t going to be easy. You’ve avoided going into town every Christmas she’s come home, Ben, when you’d have taken Cooper to the town festival or out for last-minute shopping.”
He’d hated hiding, but he hadn’t seen another way. The town would be talking, and Cooper had ears. Plus, he hadn’t imagined Hannah wanted to see him after what he’d done any more than he’d wanted to see her after she’d up and left him. “I’ll man up. You want to work with her, that fixes it.”
Even if he had to grit his teeth and bear it. Besides, he was proud of Will for not only all the research he’d clearly done but also for understanding that Hannah would be the perfect fit for the role, even with their complicated history.
“She fixed me, Ben…and her partner too. I don’t think I’d be walking without their help.”
More revelations his brother hadn’t told him because of their past. “I’m glad for it. Don’t worry, Will. I’ll assure Hannah I won’t be in the way.”
Striding off because he didn’t know how else to express all the tension in his chest, Ben paused at the shed door when he heard, “Thanks, Ben.”
He looked back and tried to smile at Will before letting himself out. After checking on Cooper even though Reba was watching him, he walked to the door leading him to Hannah. Logan and Will were talking with Neil Drummond. He caught the man’s chin acknowledgment and made himself nod back.
He’d gone online in low moments after Hannah had left and watched their podcast, which racked up a hell of a lot of views. He’d been proud of her, seeing she was helping people like she’d always wanted.
But observing the way that giant of a Scot hovered around her possessively, wearing a kilt, looking like something out of Braveheart had made him want to break something.
People in town called him her work husband.
He loathed that term. But seeing him as a strong and steady force sitting beside Hannah, leading her to her chair after Will had knocked her practically off her feet—taking care of her—had dug a crater-size hole in him.
He used to be that man. Now all that was gone.
The moment he arrived at the open shed door, he braced himself and walked inside. Hannah turned toward the door and rose slowly from her chair, where she’d been gripping her knees. Yeah, she was holding on for dear life too.
He took three steps and had to halt when his legs turned rubbery, like he’d been in the saddle too long.
She was here, standing in front of him, radiating that special fire he’d once loved and later mourned the loss of. There had been nights as he lay in his cold bed berating himself for being a fool every which way known to man because she’d never be in his arms again.
Being this close to her after so long? He didn’t know his steps.
“I hope you traveled okay,” he began, having to clear his throat. “I hear those airplane seats aren’t all that comfortable, especially on long plane rides.”
That gorgeous full mouth he’d kissed endlessly gaped as her eyebrows shot to her hairline.
Inadequacy made his ears burn. “Ah… The weather has been pretty good here. Will brought you at a good time. I’ve seen fairy slippers popping up everywhere—”
“Are you really going to make small talk with me?” Hannah grated out, crossing her arms. “Because that’s as much a sign—”
“Look”—Ben extended his hand—“I don’t know what to say. Sorry doesn’t seem near good enough given how much I must have hurt you.”
A harsh sigh filled the empty space between them before she drilled him with another icy glare. “No, it doesn’t. Dammit, take off your hat and talk to me. I assume Will told you his plans?”
He reached up to take his cowboy hat off, but he managed to drop it to the floor. “He did, and I’m behind him all the way.”
She took a step closer in her fancy shoes, which suited her black pants and green blouse. City clothes. He missed her in jeans and a plaid shirt.
“Like it’s that easy, Ben. We have to agree to at least get along if I’m going to consider Will’s proposal. Honestly, his passion to help people and Sarah’s otherworldly messages are the only reason I agreed to talk to you.”
He widened his stance. “I deserve every bad thing you can say to me. You can’t know how ashamed I am about what happened. It’s why I’ve avoided you until now. I didn’t know what to tell you.”
“Since we’re doing this, why don’t you tell me the truth?
” Her green eyes blazed. “Tell me why you wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts or my emails.
Ben, you shut me completely out and then immediately hooked up with the person I loathed the most. You knew I was coming back in a year. You couldn’t wait for me?”
Her voice broke, and his side was starting to burn with pain. He had to bite back the angry words he wanted to spew about how much she’d hurt him, not turning to planning their marriage after college like they’d agreed.
But enough years had passed that he could see how irrationally he’d behaved when she’d followed through with her plans to head to Scotland.
He could blame it on being kids. He could blame it on being shortsighted and selfish.
But I’ve learned more about myself over the last seven years. Becoming a father had helped him.
“When you left, I thought you’d walked away from me for good.
I ran wild, and I drank until I passed out.
I didn’t believe you were coming back.” Like Mama never came back.
Ben hadn’t realized until years later how much that wound had festered and erupted when Hannah left.
She still wanted to marry me…and I pushed her away instead.
“But I told you I was returning, Ben. You should have believed me.”
He knew that now too. She’d never lied to him before then, so he should have trusted her.
Only those four years of waiting in college and their time apart had frayed his trust. He should have remained faithful and acted like a man who had loved someone with his every breath.
Not like a self-absorbed kid acting out, thinking they were over.