Chapter 4 #2
He held up a hand. “I wish I had. Amber was the second greatest mistake of my life after losing you. But I’ll never regret my son.
Cooper’s given me a purpose to keep going after you left, the best part of this whole hell of a tragedy between us.
But you should know what I told Will. I am one hundred percent behind his idea, and I will do everything I must to make you come home and work with him since that’s what he wants. ”
She shook her head, her eyes wary. “Ben, I know you. Nothing is ever that easy.”
“Easy? No, it won’t be easy, but I’ll face it like a man. One, because it’s what Will needs. Two, because I still know how to read you, and you miss home.”
The first crack in her defenses appeared, an angry flush crawling up her neck. “That won’t be enough. What do you get out of it?”
He kicked at the floor, hating himself and all the shitty thoughts tangled up inside him. Why were the worst things about yourself the ones you couldn’t outrun? Will was right. He needed to stop punishing himself.
“This is hard for me to say, but you wanted the truth. Maybe finally facing you will take all this anger and hurt out of me so I can show up more for Will and my boy. I didn’t know how much I was letting Will down until today. You can’t imagine how I felt when I got that call about the accident…”
“I have some idea,” she said softly.
“Ah, hell, Hannah.” He almost reached for her. “I’m sorry. Of course you know.”
“I thought of you and Will and everyone after Jolene called to tell me about the accident. I wished I’d been here.”
He had too. She would have gripped his hand as he’d sat in that stinkin’ hospital waiting room, praying like he’d never prayed, jumping every time someone came out of the beige double doors, fearing the worst. “I didn’t know about you helping him. I owe you.”
“It’s the least I could do.” Her voice sounded choked.
“You would say that.” The right side of his mouth tipped up.
“Hell, you had to leave Scotland for helping the wounded. Growing up, you had to take care of anything hurt. That’s why maybe we have a chance to put things right between us.
We promised we’d never break each other, Hannah, and honestly, I can say losing you almost did me in. ”
The lone line of her slender throat moved as she swallowed thickly. “For a while, I thought the same.”
He nodded slowly, feeling the thick beat of his heart.
“I’ve never told another soul this, but there were moments when I didn’t care about getting thrown from a horse or skidding off the road when I drove too fast in Switchback Canyon.
Not until Cooper. When the doctor handed him to me, he was more helpless than a little foal, wriggling around and crying in my big hands.
But he was mine, and I was going to show up for him every single day. ”
He watched the tension in her face and wondered if she was thinking about all the hours they’d spent talking about having a family, naming each and every kid they could imagine ever having.
“I wish he was ours,” he admitted hoarsely, “but he isn’t.
He’s himself, and I love him more than I ever thought I could love again.
You and Will are different. You’re equals.
But Cooper keeps looking up to me to take care of him, and now as he’s getting older, to show him the way to being a man.
I don’t want him to ever doubt me, Hannah, and as he grows into his own and learns the mistakes I’ve made, I’m scared shitless he’ll judge me like you have and pull away. ”
She flinched, and he hated seeing it.
“Maybe making things right between us will put all these broken pieces back together somehow. Because I’m tired of feeling ashamed and wanting to run every time I think about seeing you.”
He knew his voice had an unnatural pitch, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could stand as she clasped her hands to her chest, tears prickling in those hurting eyes of hers.
“Maybe that’s why this center is so important.
Will wants it to help heal people, and God knows I need closure.
I won’t speak for you. But I’ll help Will build this center of his, one that also serves your own calling, even though you well know I’ve never wanted anything on Triple M land but cattle and horses. ”
That had her giving a quiet nod of acknowledgment at least.
He reached down and dusted his cowboy hat off, preparing to stride out.
Ben wanted Will’s dream to come to fruition, and she was the only way that would happen.
“I’ll do my part to get along,” he assured her quickly to keep her from saying no.
“Maybe you might even learn to forgive me. Because I know sure as shooting, you must still hate me for my betrayal.”
“Oh, Ben, I don’t hate you.” She gave a defeated sigh. “But I am angrier and more hurt than I thought I was after all this time, so you’re right about me needing some healing too.”
He rocked back on his heels at her heartbreaking honesty, telling himself that holding her like he would have long ago wouldn’t make things right again. Not this time. Not like before.
“Then will you come home, Hannah?” he simply asked.