Chapter 27
I think you’re perfect
Connor is gone when I wake up. And although I miss his comforting warmth, I’m glad he’s not here to see me. I’ve been in a deep sleep for what feels like days but was only a couple of hours. Still, I feel better for it.
I take the opportunity of being alone to get up and have a shower.
I need to feel human again before I start dealing with the mess that is my life.
The shampoo stings as I wash the blood out of my hair, but I keep scrubbing anyway.
No pain, no gain, right? I use Connor’s body wash to cleanse away the last twenty-four hours, and step out of the shower feeling much better.
It’s only then that I realise I don’t have any clean clothes to put on, so my options are re-wearing my smelly, blood-stained outfit from yesterday or borrowing something of Connor’s.
I stand in his bedroom, wearing a towel, trying to make a decision.
I once borrowed one of Rhys’s hoodies when it was cold, and he went mad, thinking I’d stretched it out.
Maybe Connor would think the same way? But putting on those disgusting clothes again would be a reminder of Rhys that I don’t need.
I decide I’d rather risk Connor being annoyed with me than spend any more time in my manky leggings, so I look through his drawers and find some soft joggers and a blue T-shirt.
I pull them on, despite not having any clean underwear to wear, and throw on a worn hoodie that’s hanging on the back of his door.
The trousers are comically long and have to be turned up, which I expected, but I’m surprised when I have to pull the drawstring at the waist tight to keep them up.
I leave the hoodie open, as it’s a warm evening, but pull the sleeves down low over my hands.
When I go downstairs and find that Connor still isn’t back, I start to worry, so I take my phone out of my pocket to call him. When I tap in my passcode, I see an open message thread on my screen from Rhys. Strange, I don’t remember opening it. Maybe I opened it when I was half asleep? Or maybe…?
I scan quickly through the messages, and my stomach turns to lead.
RHYS
You’re being ridiculous
Why do you turn everything into a drama?!
Stop being a bitch and get your fat arse back to this house!
My heart stops when I see Connor’s reply.
Me
I’m on my way
Shit. Frantically, I dial Connor’s number, but just as it starts to ring, I hear keys jingle at the front door.
Connor walks in, running a hand through his hair, and stops when he sees me.
We just look at each other, the tension palpable.
I scan him for any sign of foul play, and he scans me looking for God-knows-what. Eventually, he breaks the silence.
“Nice outfit.” He isn’t smiling, but he isn’t frowning either. I can’t tell if he’s annoyed.
“Sorry, I didn’t have anything clean to put on. Do you want me to take them off?” I start to remove the jacket, but he steps forward and reaches for my arm, stopping me.
“No, don’t do that.”
I look down at the hand holding on to my wrist and gasp when I see his bloodied knuckles.
“Connor…”
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” he says dismissively and continues to stroke his thumb along the inside of my arm.
“Where have you been?” I already know, but I want to hear it from him.
“I went to get your stuff. It’s all in the car. I’ll bring it in later. You look good in these,” he adds huskily, looking me over again. “Maybe I won’t bring in your clothes, then you’ll have to wear mine all the time.”
“You don’t mind, then?” I ask, relieved.
“Mind?” he asks as if it’s the most ridiculous thing in the world. “Why would I mind?”
“Rhys hates it when I wear his clothes. He says I stretch them out.”
Connor closes his eyes and his grip on my arm tightens slightly as he takes a breath. “Well, you’re not going to be wearing his clothes anymore, right? Only mine.” He straightens my – his – hoodie around my shoulders and adjusts my hair.
“What happened?” I ask. He knows what I mean.
“Your phone went off when you were asleep, so I picked it up to mute it so it didn’t disturb you.
But when I saw you had a message from Rhys, I had to look.
I saw what he’d written and was furious that he’d speak to you that way.
So I went over to tell him to back off. He wanted to know where you were and started spouting off some bullshit about you, so I hit him. Hard.”
Anguish escapes my throat in a gasp. “Oh my God.” I clutch Connor’s hand, gently inspecting his knuckles. There’s a certain release in realising I don’t care if Rhys is hurt, but knowing that Connor’s injured because of me physically hurts.
“Anyway,” Connor continues far too casually, “he stormed out, so I thought I’d pack all of your things together so you wouldn’t have to go back and see him.” He seems to hold his breath while he waits for my response.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, backing away. Connor’s fingers fall away from my hair, and a look of confusion passes over his face.
“You’re sorry?” he asks. “What the hell for?”
“I dragged you back into this. You had your life back without me, and now I turn up, and I’ve ruined everything for you again, just like he said I would. I’m so sorry, Connor. I’ll leave.” I try to pass him to get to the front door, but he puts an arm around my waist to stop me.
“Hold on,” he says, pulling me so I’m facing him again. “Is that why you cut me off? Because Rhys convinced you I’d be happier without you in my life?”
“Well, it’s true! I’ve only been back in your life for a couple of hours and already you’ve had to skip work to look after me and you’ve assaulted someone! This is all my fault.”
You should have walked into that road when you had the chance.
“Til, I’ve been fucking miserable every single day since you went back to him.
You’re not ruining anything for me – you’re making everything better.
Listen to me carefully because I need you to understand this: I want you here.
I want you in my life, and I want to look after you.
Don’t ever think I would be better off without you because I wouldn’t.
I don’t think I’d survive if you cut me out again. ”
I look up at him, lost for words. He’s being so kind I almost can’t bear it.
“Come on, I’ll make us some dinner. Then do you think we can talk? You don’t have to tell me everything, but—”
“I want to. I want to tell you everything.”
Connor whips up some spicy chicken and rice, which we eat in front of the TV.
He’s sitting so close to me our elbows keep nudging each other, but neither of us moves.
We watch an old sitcom, which we’ve both seen so many times we know the punchline to every joke.
It’s comfortable, a feeling I’m not used to.
Once we’ve finished eating and our bowls have been abandoned in the kitchen sink, Connor brings me a glass of water and my prescription from the hospital.
“Sorry, I forgot I’d picked these up earlier,” he says, handing them to me. “Are you due anything?”
I gratefully take the bag. “I haven’t had chance to take any of it yet.” I rummage through and find the painkillers, taking two immediately. As I swallow them, Connor examines the box with a look of concern.
“Erm, Til? It says the dosage is one every eight hours.”
“Oh, oops. Too late now.” I shrug. What’s the worst that can happen?
Connor takes my glass of water and sets it on the coffee table, then settles down beside me again.
“So, shall we talk?” he asks carefully.
Honestly? I’d rather step on Lego barefoot. I hate talking about myself and my feelings. It makes me so uncomfortable to have all of that attention on me. But I trust Connor, and he’s been so good to me I think he deserves to know the truth about the last couple of months.
Deep breaths, Tilly. This is Connor. He’s a good guy.
“Okay.” I turn on the sofa so we’re facing each other, our knees touching.
Where do I start? “The day I first came here, I’d gone home from work and found Rhys cheating on me, and apparently, it wasn’t the first time.
He told me it was my fault because I didn’t make enough of an effort to stay attractive like other women. ”
Connor’s face contorts with barely contained anger, but I carry on before he can speak. If I stop now, I might never start again.
“I’d tried so hard for so long to be who he wanted me to be, but I could never achieve it.
I was never good enough. When I found him cheating, I left because I couldn’t be with a man who I couldn’t trust, even if I was ultimately to blame.
While I was staying with you, I started to feel a bit better, which was huge because I’m so used to hating myself.
But then I went out with work, and my thoughts started to spiral out of control.
I had dark thoughts that night, not for the first time, but darker than I’ve ever had.
I realised that everyone around me…” My throat constricts with anxiety.
I’ve never talked to anyone about my thoughts. What if he thinks I’m crazy?
“Go on,” Connor says comfortingly. He reaches forward and takes my hands in his, stopping them from shaking.
“I realised that everyone would be better off without me, and I tried to do the right thing. I walked to the main road and… and… I was going to step out in front of a truck.”
Connor’s eyes flash with horror. He puts his hand on my face and wipes a tear from my cheek. I lean into its calloused roughness as I continue.
“Turns out Rhys had seen me leave the bar and followed me. He talked me out of… doing what I was going to do… and took me home. When we talked the next day, he reminded me that I’d upended your life and you would probably want to get back to normal, but for you to do that I’d need to stay away from you.
It made sense. I didn’t want to affect your life any more than I already had, so I agreed.
I didn’t want to, but I was trying to do the right thing.