Chapter 28
Smile every day
Connor and I spend the following morning unpacking all of my stuff. Again.
I choose to unpack my clothes in my old room, despite Connor’s insistence that I keep sleeping in with him for the foreseeable.
“Head wounds are serious,” he tells me. “I need to be close in case you get ill.”
I argue a little, but it’s half-hearted.
Truth be told, I’m scared of being on my own.
Luckily, Connor hasn’t left my side for more than a toilet break at a time, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
He’s managed to keep my bad thoughts at bay for the time being, through general chit chat, corny jokes and singing along to my favourite playlists.
He phoned his work first thing to let them know he was taking a week’s holiday, starting today. I was nervous that he’d get into trouble, and I started to panic, but his boss was more than understanding and told him it was about time he had some time off.
Once there’s only a couple of things left to put away, Connor heads downstairs to make some lunch. Now that I have access to my own clothes again, I get dressed and follow him to the kitchen. When I sit on one of the bar stools, Connor frowns at me.
“You changed.”
“I couldn’t live in your clothes forever.”
“Don’t even bother complaining about it not being a fucking salad. That dick has a lot to answer for, putting you on that ridiculous regime.”
“I’m not complaining – this looks delicious.” I tuck into the quesadilla he placed in front of me before the cheese even has chance to cool properly.
“So, you’re not on the diet anymore?”
“I don’t know. It’s complicated,” I add when I see Connor’s disappointed face. “I don’t want to go extreme again, but I’m still not happy with how I look, and I’m going to feel pretty shitty if I’m not even trying to do something about it.” I rub my hand absent-mindedly over my tummy.
“Do you think you could take a week off, just focus on feeling better without beating yourself up? Then we can reevaluate when you’re in a better headspace.”
I think about it. It makes sense to take some time to recover physically, but I also know that if I pause the dieting while I’m at home doing nothing for a week, I’ll end up overeating and feel even worse about myself.
Before I have chance to make a decision, Connor adds in an extra element that could swing my vote.
“I was thinking that you could probably do with keeping busy while you recover, but nothing strenuous. And I know how much you love the seaside. Anyway, I have a friend who owns a hotel in Llandudno, right on the front, and he’s got a room free for a few nights.
But being at the coast is no fun if you can’t have fish and chips and ice creams and stuff. ”
I’m stunned. “Are you saying we can go away if I give up the diet?”
“Well, it sounds manipulative if you put it like that,” Connor replies awkwardly. “You can eat whatever you want, and we can go or not go, it’s totally up to you. I just thought you could use a break, and I remember how much you used to like going when we were younger.”
Connor pushes his own food around his plate, avoiding looking at me. He picks at a string of cheese and wipes it on the side of his plate.
“I didn’t think you were being manipulative,” I clarify, feeling guilty. “I know you’re not Rhys. And I think you’re right. I’d love to go away for a few days and forget everything.”
He looks relieved. “Really?”
“Really. Thank you so much for arranging it, it means the world to me.” I stand and walk to the other side of the counter and wrap my arms around him in a tight hug. He immediately puts his arms around my waist and pulls me closer.
“Does this mean I have to go and pack my clothes back up?” I moan into his chest.
Connor laughs softly and kisses the top of my head, sending a warm tingling sensation through my body. “No, I’ve been syphoning off some of your clothes as you were putting them away and packing them in a suitcase for you. You’ll just need to add your phone charger and toothbrush before we leave.”
“You’re bloody wonderful,” I sigh. I hope I have enough time to order a couple of new books to read on the beach. It’s still early enough for them to be delivered by tomorrow afternoon. “When are we going?”
“Finish your lunch and we’ll hit the road.”
There’s no time for me to double-check my suitcase before we leave, which causes me some stress, but I’m so happy to be reliving my childhood memories, I quickly calm down.
Connor tells me there are shops nearby to pick up anything we might have forgotten, so I make an effort to relax and enjoy the experience.
I haven’t been back to Llandudno for years, despite it being one of my favourite places.
When I was little, my parents would take me every summer holiday, and I loved every minute.
The weather wasn’t always wonderful, but I didn’t care.
We would play on the beach, walk along the pier eating ice creams, and avoid the swooping seagulls as much as possible.
When my dad died, my mum stopped taking me.
I never argued or begged for her to take me back, because I knew it wouldn’t have been the same without dad there.
Instead, Mum started to take me on holidays to Spain every year. It was on one of our holidays that she met her new husband, David, an ex-pat who owns a tourist bar. Now Mum lives there, helping him run the business.
Connor insists on driving, given my head injury, so I take it upon myself to become the car’s DJ. I curate a playlist as we go, of happy songs with summer vibes, which Connor and I sing along to almost the whole way to the hotel. As we drive and sing, I find myself looking at Connor. A lot.
He’s been so different since we called our truce; it’s honestly as if Old Connor and New Connor are two completely different people.
But I wonder if there’s been a genuine personality overhaul, or if Connor has always been New Connor to everyone else but Old Connor to me.
If that’s the case, why did he act so differently with me?
I’m curious to know the truth, but I don’t actually care either way.
All I know is that I like New Connor – he’s actually my favourite person in the entire world.
But as I sit next to him, singing along to ELO’s ‘Mr Blue Sky’ together, seeing him so relaxed and happy with me, a new feeling emerges.
It started as a tiny little firefly in my chest, but every time he smiles at me, every time he calls me baby or absent-mindedly strokes my arm, the firefly grows and flutters its wings a bit harder. Without meaning to, I’ve developed feelings for Connor.
I’ve already decided not to act on my feelings.
For one thing, I’ve only just decided to divorce my husband.
Not to mention the fact that there’s little to no chance that Connor reciprocates my feelings.
I’m his sister’s friend, his friend, and absolutely not his type.
A guy like Connor would want someone with the body of a swimwear model with glossy hair and straight, white teeth.
I’m the opposite. My mousey brown hair is never styled quite right, and my silhouette is more of a bouncy castle than an hourglass.
I admit I’ve noticed Connor flirting with me, but it doesn’t mean anything – he’s just a flirtatious kind of guy.
But that hasn’t stopped me from enjoying his attention.
“We’re here!” Connor smiles, expertly parallel parking in front of an impressive hotel.
The hotel is on the corner of the main road, overlooking the pebbled beach.
It’s painted sunshine yellow and has a beautiful garden, bursting with colour, at the front.
As I get out of the car, I look up at the stunning building and smile.
A sense of calm washes over me as I breathe in the familiar sea air and listen to the seagulls squawking in the distance.
An arm wraps around my shoulder, and I cuddle in closer to Connor.
I can’t help myself. He presses a kiss to the top of my head, giving me goosebumps, despite the glorious heat of the day.
“I’ve missed that,” Connor sighs.
I look up at him, noticing, as if for the first time, how much taller than me he is. “What?” I ask.
“Just watching you smile. I feel like I haven’t seen it happen in a long time.”
I smile up at him, feeling peaceful in his presence.
“I’m going to make sure you smile every day from now on.”
He gazes down at me as I continue to smile up at him. How could I not when he’s being so sweet? I see his face move an inch closer to mine, and for a brief moment, I stupidly think he might kiss me. But I blink and the moment’s passed, and Connor’s looking away towards the sea.
“I’ll get the bags, why don’t you go and check in?” he suggests, taking his arm from my shoulder.
“Okay,” I say quietly. I don’t know why I’m disappointed, I’ve been under no illusion that Connor doesn’t find me attractive, and I completely understand why. But still, if he’d tried to kiss me, I would have let him.
But he didn’t, so I pull myself together and make my way to the hotel entrance. A bell tinkles as I open the door, and I’m greeted by a young blonde woman sitting behind a desk. She gives me a bland smile, barely looking at me, and mutters a half-hearted hello.
“Do you have a room booked?” she asks, not looking up from her laptop screen.
“Yes.” I try not to be intimidated, but this woman is gorgeous. My self-esteem plummets just from being in her vicinity. It’s not helped by the purple bruise taking up half of my face.
“Single room, is it?” she sneers.
“Erm, I’m not actually sure,” I stutter. I didn’t ask about the sleeping arrangements when Connor told me he’d booked.
“Name?” the receptionist huffs impatiently.
“Matilda Simmons. But that’s not the name the booking is under.” Shit. Why am I getting flustered? “My friend, well, my brother’s friend… No, that’s wrong, he’s my friend’s brother… Anyway, someone else made the booking.”
Where the hell is Connor with those bags?
“And their name is…? Connor!” The blonde is suddenly full of energy as she beams over my shoulder. She stands and rushes from behind the desk, barging her way past me with her arms outstretched. I turn to see that Connor has just walked in, and my stomach turns at the smile he gives her.
“Bambi!” He takes her in his arms and lifts her up effortlessly. Although, a toddler could probably pick her up, she’s so tiny. It would take an industrial crane to get me off the ground like that.
“It’s good to see you.” He puts her down and makes his way over to my side.
“You too! I was so excited when I saw your name in the check-in system this morning. It brought back a lot of memories.” She reaches out her hand and lays it on his bicep, giving it a squeeze as she lowers her voice and continues.
“Really, really good memories. By the way, I shuffled a few things around and got you the best room. I thought I could take the spare key?”
My eyebrows shoot up at her brazenness, and I turn my head away, not wanting to witness Connor making night-time plans with someone else. I’m aware I have no right to be jealous, but my eyes turn a little green anyway.
But, to my surprise and relief, Connor cuts her off.
“Actually, Tilly can have the spare key.” He gestures to me, and ‘Bambi’ looks between us as if she’s only just realising that we’re here together. “We might as well have one each in case one gets lost.”
“Oh, you’re…? Right. Sorry, I assumed she was your assistant or something.
” She stomps over to her swivel seat behind the desk, clacks her fake nails on the keyboard and takes two key cards from a box behind her.
She holds them out to us, and we each take one.
She releases mine immediately, but holds on to Connor’s as she says, “But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
Without missing a beat, Connor pulls the keycard from her grasp and links his free hand in mine. “I won’t change my mind,” he says confidently.
I blush, despite knowing he’s just using me to give her the brush off. Even so, I get a tingle that shoots straight from my heart to between my legs.