Chapter 10
TEN
They headed up the lane and crossed the road by the church where a sign pointed towards the Longstone.
The dappled shade of the holloway was welcome, the high banked sides like an embroidery of moss and roots and ferns.
Underfoot the ground was pleasingly uneven, Jules thought.
You had to concentrate on each step, but they paused often to study a leaf or a flower or just to absorb the atmosphere.
‘Think how many people have walked up here over the years,’ Jules said.
‘Thousands,’ Carrie replied. ‘All leaving a little bit of themselves.’
‘And hopefully taking something away, too, metaphorically speaking.’
As the holloway levelled out and the path snaked around between the trees, they paused to look down into The Manor gardens where, a way in the distance, Guy was moving some pots around the vegetable patch.
As if sensing Carrie’s presence, he looked up and waved.
That’s love, Jules thought. That connection which meant he knew she was there, just at that moment.
Further on, as the climb got steeper, Carrie pushed open a gate and they passed out of one part of the woods and into another.
‘Nearly there,’ she said as Jules trailed along behind her.
‘I’m so out of shape,’ Jules said, ruefully. ‘And I’ve no one to blame by myself. Too much chocolate and terrible food.’
‘You’ve been working pretty hard,’ Carrie said. ‘There hasn’t been much time for home cooking and exercise between your shifts.’
‘I had that stupid gym subscription and barely used it. I’m regretting that now.’
‘Having it in the first place?’ Carrie said with a grin. ‘You were never going to get the most out of that. You’re just not the gym type.’
‘It was super expensive, too.’
‘Have you cancelled it?’
‘Can’t. Not until the end of the year. There’s no point worrying about that now, but I could do without that extra money going out of my account.
Thank goodness I don’t have a massive mortgage.
If Grandad hadn’t left me that bit of money and I hadn’t been sensible and paid off some of it, I’d be in a right pickle. ’
She squared her shoulders.
‘What are we waiting for? Let’s get going. I’m not going to get fitter standing here looking at the view, however beautiful it is.’
Carrie grinned and gave a mock salute.
‘Fall into line then, trooper, and follow me!’
It wasn’t long before Jules could see the path opening up and the sky revealed beyond the trees. Carrie stopped again.
‘You go first,’ she said. ‘You should see this on your own. I’m going to wait here for a couple of minutes and let you have the space to yourself. Hopefully there won’t be anyone else up there. It’s extra special when you’re alone.’
Loose stones skittered under Jules’s feet as she approached the end of the path and there was the Longstone with the valley stretching away to the right.
She took a deep breath, unclipped her hair and threw back her head, letting the wind stream through it.
She walked over to the Longstone and touched it gently with her fingertips.
The stone was surprisingly warm, and she leaned her back against it surveying the view, the weather-hewn surface feeling like a massage for her tight muscles.
She could come and draw up here, sit on the part of the stone that had fallen over and sketch.
With paper and pencils or a small tin of watercolours and a long-suppressed desire to draw, she could try to capture what she saw in front of her and perhaps that would help her escape the loneliness which still gnawed away at her.
Perhaps the miracle of nature would reconnect her to life, and she’d learn to accept change.
In the distance a hare bolted out of a clearing of trees, stopped, gazed at her, ears pricked, senses completely in tune with everything around it, before running free down the hill.
It felt like a privilege to see a hare up close, especially for a girl born and brought up in the city like her.
‘I saw a hare,’ she said, unable to stop the beaming smile that spread across her face as Carrie appeared.
‘Where did it go?’
Jules pointed down into the valley and Carrie squinted.
‘They’re protective,’ Carrie said, as if reading her mind. ‘A sign of a new dawn, new opportunities.’
‘If you believe in that sort of thing,’ Jules said, aware she probably sounded churlish.
‘It’s still a sign,’ Carrie said, the stubborn tone that Jules recognised so well inflecting her voice, ‘even if you don’t believe.’
Carrie settled on the fallen piece of granite and Jules came to sit beside her.
‘I’d like to believe,’ she whispered.
Carrie took hold of her hand and clasped it within both of hers.
‘Trust me, to see a hare up here on your first visit is very auspicious.’
‘Trust is a word which has almost disappeared from my world, present company excepted.’
‘I get that, really, I do. Sometimes we can close ourselves down without even realising it’s happening. Stuff happens.’
‘And we make terrible choices.’
‘You’re being too hard on yourself and it’s not going to help.
Choice implies options, that you’re in control, but when you’re in love with something or someone or allowing yourself to be driven by society’s expectations, you’re not totally in control.
We don’t always have the space or time or clarity to think about making good choices.
Sometimes you’re just on the travellator part of life and you have to get to the end of it before you can get off.
And perhaps those parts are there to teach us something, to make us better human beings.
I like to think that, because I want there to be a reason, and if there’s an easy way and a hard way, a lot of people take the hard way. ’
‘Isn’t that because we’re brought up to believe that hard work equals progress and that if something’s easy it’s not worthwhile or we don’t deserve it?’ She bit her lip. ‘Everything felt really easy with Gavin at the beginning. I should have known it was too good to be true.’
‘I felt the same about Guy, although he wasn’t too good to be true – but he’s not perfect. If you’re looking for perfection, you won’t find it.’
‘I’m not looking for anyone or anything,’ Jules said. ‘I’m going to try to learn to be happy on my own. I’ve spent too long chasing rainbows. I think because of my dad dying I’ve always wanted someone to look after me, to cherish me like he did my mum.’
She ran the pad of her finger over a piece of lichen on the stone next to her.
‘And I’m not going to find that. I think subconsciously I’ve known that all along, which is why I’ve ended relationships after a few weeks. It wasn’t that I was afraid of the commitment. It was that I realised they couldn’t live up to my dreams.’
‘There will be someone out there for you, Jules.’
‘I can’t go through this again. I have my job which I love, and in spite of what I do, and I know people think you’re a bit selfish if you admit this, I’ve never particularly wanted children of my own.
I did think about having Gavin’s babies, but that was just me in some romantic stupor.
I wasn’t thinking about the realities and I’m a very realistic person.
There’s no desperate ticking of my biological clock and instead of feeling as if I’m a bit of a freak, I should allow myself to feel liberated by that.
Delivering other people’s babies seems to fulfil that need.
It’s like when you’ve cooked a meal for people, you often end up not being that hungry, as if all your senses have been fed by the preparing of it. ’
Carrie squeezed her hand.
‘I don’t think you’re selfish at all and I’m really proud of you, how you’re handling this.’
Jules turned to look at her and blushed.
‘I don’t know why. I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself.’ She gave herself a little shake and looked around. ‘Good thing you came to get me or I’d probably still be moping around, my mum hammering on the door or calling the fire brigade to put a ladder up to the window.’
‘She cares about you.’
‘I know, but I can’t be the daughter she wants me to be. I can’t take Dad’s place and be at her beck and call all the time. She needs so much support. I do feel a bit guilty that Phoebe has to shoulder most of the burden, but she was always closer to Mum anyway.’
‘I’m sure your mum loves both of you equally.’
Jules shrugged and turned away slightly.
The trouble was she hadn’t loved both of her parents equally. She wondered if any child did if they were honest. Wasn’t there always one parent who you had a closer connection with and therefore loved more? If her mother had died, would she have felt as devastated?
‘Do your parents love you and your brother equally?’
Carrie twisted her lips.
‘I always thought they loved my brother more – until he dropped out of the life they had planned for him. Then it was my turn.’
‘For more love?’
‘I don’t think they’d see it like that, but yes, that’s how it felt.’
‘And now?’
Carrie laughed.
‘Well, now we’ve both disappointed them so I suppose we’re equal in the love stakes again.’
‘Maybe it’s impossible to give all of your children the same amount of love at the same time.’
She shifted a little on the rock as a slight ache started in her right-hand side. Hopefully her period was about to start at last.
‘Tell me a bit about this place, about the people who came here,’ she said.
‘Well,’ Carrie said, twisting around and looking behind them. ‘Over there, beneath those blackberry brambles is the long barrow, a burial chamber.’
‘Oh!’ Jules said. ‘Do you think there are children buried there?’
‘Probably.’