Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
She was a virgin.
It was the first thought he had when he woke up in the morning. And it was a hell of a thought, considering he was lying next to her in that tent.
She was sleeping soundly, breathing evenly, and not thinking at all about that, and he was consumed by it.
It had never occurred to him that she hadn’t...
And why did it matter? It didn’t matter. Except the idea of Jason being the first guy to put his hands on her killed him. It was just the kind of thing he didn’t need to know.
It would have been much easier if some rando had dealt with all that years ago, when he had no clue.
Now he knew. That was the trouble. Now he knew that she was untouched.
Or at least — he didn’t need to finish that sentence.
He sat up, crawled out of the tent and started a fire.
He needed to get some coffee in his system.
They had a camp coffee setup with a percolator, and he got to business, making himself as hot and strong of a mug as he possibly could.
No man had ever touched her before.
He closed his eyes, let the mug burn his hand as he sat there, and did his damnedest to stop going over that.
It wasn’t any of his business.
Yeah, she was beautiful. Yeah, she seemed to have some kind of attraction for him, but there was a reason that had been unspoken. There was a reason it still was.
She hadn’t asked him to take her virginity.
The thought hit him in the back of the head like a frying pan — so that wasn’t on the table.
He wouldn’t even... she was Lila.
He wouldn’t even want to do that.
His body immediately called him a liar, as it compiled a helpful montage of moments when he’d found her beautiful.
Her eyes on his, arms around his neck, his body over hers.
Lila, all fierce bravado while she knocked back a shot, or fought a bully, or a company trying to cheat her out of money.
Lila, riding her horse, working hard to blaze a trail. Smiling at him, yelling at him…
Dammit.
And it wasn’t just the idea of being the first one, though there was something insidiously intoxicating about that, something that he wished didn’t exist inside of him.
No. It was him having to think of her this way.
Him having to acknowledge that she was this strong, powerful, competent woman who any guy would be lucky to go to bed with, him included.
Him included.
No. Hell no.
That was a whole mess and a half. Thoughts weren’t actions, he knew that well. Because best intentions didn’t get anyone anywhere, just look at his life. Maybe his mother had the best of intentions leaving him with his grandma, so what? Hadn’t been right. Hadn’t made a happy childhood.
Maybe the Graysons’ mom had been trying her best, so what?
Thoughts weren’t actions.
He could think that, he just could never do it.
It was all twisted up in his mind because they had been spending so much time together, because they had spent the evening talking about sex which was ill-advised, and because he was grappling with seeing her for the first time.
Really seeing her, as she was now, and not with some overlay of the past on top of her.
But just her, clearly, as he might have if he had met her for the first time only a couple of years ago.
And it had been something that was sneaking up on him, he could acknowledge it now.
He wasn’t ready to open up that door and examine all the moments he had intentionally hidden away, but he was getting there, because maybe turning it into something that he could actually look at, rather than something that was taboo, would help him put it in perspective.
It didn’t matter anyway. She wanted to go out with Jason. And that was the thing. Because thoughts weren’t actions, it didn’t matter if her cheeks turned red when he got too close.
Just because her body reacted to some kind of chemistry between the two of them didn’t mean she actually wanted him.
Those were two very different things.
And people could choose not to act on their impulses. Just as he’d done those times he’d chosen to blame it on the alcohol.
That had always been very important to him.
Because his mom had been lost in addiction, and his dad had been lost in whatever the hell selfish thing he was invested in, and Nolan never wanted to be that. Never wanted to do it.
It was one reason it was best to keep people at a distance. Not only had it protected him from enduring more rejection, but it had protected other people from the toxicity that flowed in his veins.
Sometimes he felt like the need inside of him, the desire for connection was a black hole. Like nothing would ever fill it. Like nothing would ever fix it.
And for years he had done his best to fill it with basic hookups. She was right about that.
But he had never wanted to subject anyone to that long term.
It was best that he just left it there, a growling beast down at the bottom of the pit, never able to be satisfied, but never placated either.
He left it there tortured, and it was something that he had grown used to. Seemed to work.
But he felt like if he ever started to feed it, it would just take over everything. If he gave it an inch, it would take a mile.
It was better to be self-contained. That much he knew.
Just then, he heard the tent flap zip, and Lila crawled out, wearing her trailblazing clothes, her hair askew. “Morning,” she mumbled.
“Good morning,” he grunted.
“Coffee?”
“Yeah. There’s coffee.”
“Good. Thank you.”
He traded places with her and went into the tent to change for the day while she got her sustenance. And when he came back out, he did his best not to just stand there staring at her. Regarding her.
Because he just didn’t need to do that.
Didn’t need to feed that beast.
“Jason texted me last night,” she said.
The muscles in his shoulders tightened. “Great,” he said. “Did you make a date?”
“Yeah. For next week. So as long as we can make sure that our schedules are clear that Saturday night.”
“Luckily, we’re our own bosses. So I’m sure that we can.”
Hell, he could make arrangements around her losing her virginity. That would be very thoughtful of him. Very selfless.
“So, I guess you were right.”
“Guess I was,” he said.
“Thanks for helping me,” she said.
“Oh, yeah. Happy to do it.”
He was not happy. At all.
“So do we leave camp here again?”
“Yeah. I think we should just go ahead and leave it here for the next couple of days. We can hike back in with more food, cart it up to the new spot, then. Why pack it more often than we need to?”
“Good idea,” she said.
“I have those sometimes.”
“You do.” She relented.
This new, kinder version of Lila was weird.
“I’d like to help you with something.”
He had a visceral response to that, one that made his gut go tight, made him clench his teeth, and one that he refused to let form any concrete ideas in his mind.
“Well, I can’t really think of anything I need help with.”
“Have you contacted your half-sisters at all?”
He let out a short sigh. “No offense, Lila, and I really do mean it, but there is a reason that you manage the vendors and not the customers.”
“Yeah, I know. And I’m not offended by that. But I am very good at logistics. I don’t need to be the one to help you approach your sisters, but maybe I can help you with some other things.”
“Such as?”
“Well, what’s your plan, cowboy?”
He let out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know.
I figured I’d send a message through the DNA website for my half-sister on my dad’s side.
Only one of my half-sisters on the other side is on the DNA site, and I assume it’s because for whatever reason, my mom didn’t tell her not to do that.
Nobody else is, so I kind of think my mom never intended to put herself out there, just in case.
I assume my father’s daughter is probably looking for family just like I am. Odds are she’s looking for him.”
“Yeah, wants a deadbeat and all that.”
“Yep. My mom’s kind of an exception to that.”
Lila took a couple of steps and caught up to him, and the expression on her face, compassionate, caring, caught him off guard. “Don’t,” he said.
“What?”
“Don’t look at me like I’m a lost puppy. You know me. I’m not a lost puppy. I’m an asshole.”
She barked a laugh. “No, usually, I’m the asshole. But I do think the situation with your mom is uniquely messed up. And I’m sorry about it.”
“It’s sure as hell not your fault, Lila. Your family is what made my childhood bearable.”
It was true. Deeply and truly. And it was yet another reason that some of the more salacious feelings rioting inside of him were just plain wrong.
Her family meant the world to him.
And he wouldn’t do anything, ever, to mess up what he had. They were his real family. And if there was one thing he’d learned in his life, it was that love was conditional. No matter how much somebody might not mean it to be, it was.
And he had a feeling that dallying with Lila would be one of those unforgivable sins. Hell, he wouldn’t even be able to forgive himself.
“Well, do you feel like you need anything to approach her? It feels like that one’s the riskiest.”
Hearing her call it risky was kind of annoying. He knew that it was risky, but still, he didn’t like to have it confirmed.
“Yeah, I know. Because I don’t actually know what my mom has told any of them about me. If she’s told them about me. I know a whole lot of secrets about her, and that’s obviously not going to go over well.”
“Of course, there’s the possibility that your father’s daughter has a great relationship with him, and he’s a wonderful dad.”
“Thanks, Lila.”
“Well, I’m just being realistic. There’s a chance of anything. They could even be lizard people.”
“No, they can’t be lizard people, because that’s not real.”
She grinned widely at him. “I do know that.”
“Good. I would have thought that I failed you.”
He elbowed her, and she bumped her shoulder into his, and damned if he didn’t feel that go straight down to his cock.
His chest felt tight. He did not want to think about his cock in context with Lila.