40. Tanner
TANNER
Thanksgiving preparations have been in full swing, and as we climb the porch steps to Jude and Arden’s, I can feel the exhaustion start to take hold.
And the day has only just begun.
Deacon and I agreed that we’d split time between his brother and the Thayers. Jude and Arden will be going to Ellison’s later with the rest of the Blackstone Falls crew, so this seemed like the best way to do it.
For now.
We’d also been invited to Ellison’s but had declined—but would it always be like this? Constantly splitting our time and running from house to house?
“Are you all right?” Deacon whispers right before he knocks on the door.
“Just overwhelmed. It’s Thanksgiving and everything is chaos. What about Christmas? We can’t be in a million places at once.”
I won’t give up Christmas morning with Briggs, but does that mean Deacon will be with Jude and Arden for Salem’s first Christmas? He’s her godfather after all.
Rubbing the spot between my eyebrows, I exhale when Deacon pulls my hand away and presses his lips to my forehead. “Let’s get through today and then we can worry about the rest of it, all right?”
I give him a halfhearted smile as the door swings open and Arden grins. “Here,” she says, handing Deacon the baby while holding out her hands to me. “My sister is here with Montana and Lyric, so I’ll take those and y’all can go mingle.”
She stares longingly at the apple pies I’m holding before doing a little shimmy as she takes them into the kitchen. Jude waves from where he’s standing by the oven, a carving knife and fork in his hands as his dog, Dez, sits at his feet, his tongue lolling to the side.
A wave of happiness washes over me at the sight. Sorren and I don’t usually get many updates on the dogs we place after they’re adopted, so this one is special. We picked Dez specifically based on Jude’s profile, and to see the success of the match does something I can’t explain.
“How is he with the baby?” I hear myself asking, nodding to Dez who scrambles up from the floor when he hears my voice to throw his full weight against my leg as he tilts his head up for a pet.
“The sweetest.” Arden laughs. “He thinks Salem is his.”
“He’s never more than a couple of feet from her,”—Jude motions toward the turkey— “unless there’s food.”
“What about you guys?” I ask Montana and Ellison. At last year’s adoptathon, they took home more than a few of our canine residents, much to Montana’s chagrin.
“Oh, you mean our zoo?” Montana replies as Ellison offers Lyric to me with a fuzzy purple blanket. I didn’t get a chance to hold her at Cal’s, so I’m thankful for the opportunity to snuggle her for a bit.
“It’s not a zoo; it’s a farm,” Ellison fires back with enough sass that I’d bet they’ve had this conversation before. “The dogs are great and so are the cows, donkey, goats—”
“Fucking goats,” Montana grumbles, earning a glare from his wife.
“Really glad to hear it,” I tell them, meaning it with all of me because this is what makes the long hours worth it in the end. “We’re talking about expanding again. Opening up a second location in Trappers Ridge, North Carolina.”
“And when you say that, you mean that I get the exclusive for that announcement, right?” Arden says, pointing a serving spoon at me.
“You’ve gotten the exclusive on everything we’ve done since we bought the place,” I remind her. It was such a different time back then. Arden had just been a local reporter—no one knew her secret.
Not yet.
“Just making sure you remember,”—she winks—“especially because you’re actually family now.”
“Don’t fluster him,” Jude chides as I feel my face heat. “You know how long I had to work to get you to like me and admit you wanted this.” He motions between them as Deacon presses a lingering kiss to my temple.
“We’ll get there,” he whispers, my emotions ping-ponging all over the living room at how right it feels being here, how hot Deacon looks holding a baby, and the idea that Arden already considers me family.
Sure, chosen family is the common denominator between Clementine Creek and Blackstone Falls, but this feels different.
This feels like family.
And even though it’s scary, I want it. I want to be all in.
I just need a minute to catch my breath.
I excused myself to the bathroom and lingered only long enough to steady my nerves. We haven’t spent any real time with Jude and Arden, but I can already see family dinners at my house while Briggs dotes on the baby.
It’s perfect.
But all that seems to change when I step into the hall, low voices coming from the kitchen as I hide in the shadows.
“Do you think you’ll have kids?” Arden asks as my heart stutters in my chest.
“Uh, no. Tanner has Briggs and he’s really great. We didn’t talk about it too much but Tanner doesn’t want more.”
“But you’ve always wanted kids.” Jude’s voice is low and serious as I lean my shoulder against the wall and let my eyelids flutter closed.
Before I had Briggs, I didn’t even know if I wanted kids, and then I didn’t have a choice.
Fallon and I did our best and Briggs is everything to me, but with the divorce and all that’s happened after, it never even crossed my mind that I’d want, let alone have another kid.
“I have Salem and Lyric and Briggs and between the two sides, there’s plenty of kids I can spoil,” Deacon replies, and as far as I can tell the conversation is thankfully only happening between him, Jude, and Arden.
I don’t need anyone else putting either of us on the spot.
“You’d be a great dad,” Arden says softly, my gut roiling as guilt floods my system.
“I’m happy with Tanner. We don’t need to complicate anything. I just need him.”
“Maybe you can talk—”
“I won’t pressure him,” Deacon says, his voice firm. “He’s been through a lot, and the life we’re building is great.”
His words should make me feel better, but all I can hear is the disappointment in Jude and Arden at the idea that their baby won’t have any cousins to play with from Deacon if he stays with me.
Not ones that will grow up with theirs, at least.
Briggs is a decade older than Salem, and while he’s amazing with babies, will they be as close as he is with his other cousins? Will everyone be resentful they don’t have the connection? Deacon is the only blood family Jude has left, and even then, what are the options? Surrogate? Adoption?
I’ve heard and witnessed more than a few heartbreaking stories of arrangements that fell through…and then what?
Things are still so new. Could we survive that if something happened?
So much for a great day.
And why can’t we just catch a fucking break? I can’t exactly remember when I told Deacon I don’t want more kids, but I do know we didn’t talk about it. And this is way too much for my first holiday with them.
But will there be another?
Fuck.
Backing quietly toward the bathroom, I take a deep breath and rattle the door, my footsteps intentionally loud against the floor so they know I’m coming this time. Putting on the realest smile I can manage, I reenter the kitchen and pretend that everything is fine.
Because as far as they know, it is.
I’m just not sure I’ll ever be the same.