16. Bel
Voices. Yelling.
The combination is nails on a chalkboard rattling around in my brain. Slowly, so I don’t disturb the force field, I crack my eyes open and catch sight of soft light filtering through partially open curtains. It’s difficult to make out the color without my glasses on, but I know immediately that those curtains are not mine.
There’s a pause, then the voices again, roaring in my ears. Moving my hands, I slide them across the silky sheets and up my bare thigh.
Bare thighs.
Oh shit.
Memories from the night before filter back through my mind. The woods, the shower, Drew chasing me, vodka, and kissing someone else. Jesus.
Who let me do all these things? I don”t do stuff like this.
Guilt slices through me, followed by a wave of nausea that climbs up my throat. I grab the top sheet and jerk it back to untuck it from the end of the bed. I barely manage to wrap it around myself and rush past Drew and Sebastian and into the bathroom, slapping the door closed behind me. My only focus is not throwing up all over myself right now.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
My already battered knees hate me more as I fall to the tiled floor and secure my death grip on the toilet just in time for the entire contents of my stomach to spew out of my mouth.
The velocity to which the vomit escapes my stomach burns my nose and throat. My vision blurs, tears leak from the corners of my eyes, and once I’m certain I won’t leave out anything else, I tug the sheet up around my shoulders and huddle into it.
The cold from the floor seeps into my knees, and it feels nice. Fuck. There’s an incident throbbing at the back of my head, like an annoying person who won’t stop kicking a ball at my brain.
That’s it. I’m never drinking again.
With a groan, I stand on unsteady legs and cross the room to the brightly lit sink. It”s so fucking bright. Even though I can”t see much, I swat around the blurry area until I find the taps and twist them on. A moment later, the rush of water fills my ears.
I rinse my mouth out and take a couple of gulps of water. I can’t see my hair all that well, but I run my fingers through it a little bit. I’m feeling better already. Maybe I’m not one of those people who suffers from hangovers? I smile to myself, and then I remember…
The voices. Fighting. Drew. Sebastian.
They were standing inside the bedroom arguing about something when I ran past them to get into the bathroom.
Fuck. Damn. Shit.
Sebastian’s judgment stings more than anyone’s, and I don’t want to look weak to him, but I also know that deep down, this was eventually going to happen. If it wasn’t obvious before, it is now. I love Drew.
Not trying to fix things or give him a second chance would be stupid, but I can’t act weak either. I can’t just act like I did before, rolling over and taking whatever he gives me.
With my head hung low, I walk over to the door, and with a sigh, I tug it open. Their voices get louder as I approach them, but neither seems to pay me an ounce of attention.
Cool, does this mean I can go back to sleep?
I cast a glance at Drew first, who has his fists curled tight and his arms hanging down on either side of him. Thankfully, he’s not naked but wearing a pair of navy basketball shorts that hang deliciously low on his hips.
”You have no right to come barging in here and demand a single thing from either of us.”
The air becomes electrically charged, and I realize just how serious this is. Sebastian takes a step forward, his presence suffocating. My gaze cuts to him, and I notice then that he’s already dressed in his usual slacks and perfectly pressed white button-down. Even his shoes are gleaming.
Releasing a heavy sigh, I make a mental note to tell the guy to relax a little. There”s no need for all this at...I glance at the clock on the nightstand...the numbers are hard to read. It looks like seven, eight, or nine. Really, it could be any of those times, but I choose to go with the earliest ’cause it sounds better.
It’s seven o’clock, and these assholes are arguing.
Sebastian crowds Drew further, but that doesn’t matter as Drew doesn’t appear to be bothered by it. In fact, he gives Sebastian a challenging smirk. With that smirk alone, my chances of going back to bed swirl down the drain.
There is way too much testosterone in this room right now. My heart stutters in my chest when Sebastian pulls his fist back like he’s going to punch Drew. Shit. I do the only thing I can think to do and jump between them, my back pressing firmly against Drew’s front, bringing me face-to-face with the meanest guard dog ever.
”Sebastian, back the hell off. All this yelling is hurting my head.”
Blurry vision makes it hard to see shit, but I can see him clutching a piece of paper in his other hand. I snatch it and shove it at Sebastian”s chest.
He hisses out a breath, and Drew huffs against my ear.
I glance up at him. ”You too! Both of you, opposite corners, go.” I can”t read the paper without my glasses, so I wave it toward Drew. ”What is this, and why is it making you two scream at each other before we’ve had coffee?”
He angrily snatches the thick cardstock back and then tosses it on the bench at the end of his bed. “It’s ridiculous bullshit, is what it is.”
”Ridiculous bullshit that you’re keeping a secret? I thought you were trying to be a better person?” I’ve had enough of the sarcasm and taunting from Sebastian.
Well, I know he means well and wants to protect me. He has no stake in this fight. This is between Drew and me.
I shift my gaze to Drew, looking for an explanation. “What does he mean?”
Drew cuts in front of me, ignoring my question and moving too fast for my addled brain and body to respond.
”I am changing fuckface, but it’s difficult when there’s someone like you breathing down my neck, pointing out every mistake I make, like it’s a goddamn intention. I can’t just wave a fucking wand and be a class A gentleman, nor would I ever want to be. That’s not the person Bel wants either. Now, get the hell out.”
I can feel the icy rage rolling off Sebastian, slamming into anything that’s in its wake. ”The only way I’m leaving is in a bodybag or with my sister in hand. She shouldn”t even fucking be here.”
Okay, that hurts a little bit. Stings even, but this is my life, and I’m an adult who is very capable of making her own choices. That, and I’m really getting tired of being talked about while being in the room, instead of being included in the conversation.
”Excuse me but did you guys forget I’m standing right here? And that I’m a big girl who was caring for herself long before either of you came along? Neither of you have any say over what I choose to do, who I see, or where I go.”
I can feel Seb”s intense gaze on me even if I can”t make out his features with pinpoint precision. ”Don”t look at me like that!” I scrape out, then cross the room to the bedside table, where I climb out of the sheets and slap my hands around, feeling for my glasses.
My hand brushes a glass of water and a couple of pills before landing on my glasses. Once I slip them onto my face, I stare down at the water and pills, my heartbeat quickening. He knew between the way he fucked me and the amount of alcohol I drank last night that painkillers would be a necessity the next day, so before he went to bed, he made sure I had them. I look over at him, but he doesn’t look back at me. He’s locked in a staring contest with Sebastian with his jaw set tight, hard enough to cut stone.
I wonder what they win by not blinking first?
On the other hand, Sebastian has no issues dishing out his cold, callous anger to everyone. His glare darts between the two of us. Then he locks on Drew with a narrowed gaze. ”She”s good enough to fuck, but not good enough to know your secrets. Yeah, I feel the respect and the desire for forgiveness. More games, more bullshit. Same Marshall drama.”
I try not to flinch at each of his spewed words and even worse at the way Drew”s fists tighten more and more at every word he speaks. His veins bulge, like they might explode out of his forearms.
What is this all about?Some stupid piece of paper?I step up to the bench, gather the sheet tight around my chest, and pinch the card between my fingers, inspecting it.
It’s an invitation of some sort from Drew”s dad. That’s all I can make out before the invitation is ripped from my hands rudely and crumpled into a ball. Drew tosses the invitation at Sebastian’s feet and smirks.
”What the hell, Drew?” I yell.
“He came here to stir up trouble, Bel. That’s all this is.”
“You’re lucky she gives a fuck about you, or you’d already be in the ground.” Sebastian growls, all teeth, and honestly, this is far too serious of a conversation to have before nine o’clock.
”Okay, pause.” I step between them and sigh. ”If you two must argue, can it be done without me being rolled up in a sheet?”
Sebastian”s fingers slice through his hair, and he curses while Drew gives me a long, sweeping gaze that turns my insides to molten lava, even given the situation.
Damn him.
”Can I put some clothes on so we can talk, or are you two going to kill each other while I brush my teeth?”
No response.Go figure. They continue to glare at each other but remain silent.
Great. I snag my clothes off the floor and stare at the ripped tights and mud-stained skirt. Shit. Instead of gathering them up to salvage what I can, I cross the room to the dresser on the other side. However, before I can dig into his drawers, I spot a small stack of clothing on top. An Oakmount T-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. Shit. No underwear.
While I trek back to the bathroom, I refuse to look at either of them. I will not be shamed by this or any of my choices ever again. Men do whatever they want all the time and are never judged. I refuse to be judged.
Dressing quickly, I do my best to ignore the fact that the clothes I’m wearing are not only Drew”s but smell like him and search through the bathroom drawers for another toothbrush. I find a bunch of extras in the third drawer and snag one. I brush my teeth and check my reflection in the mirror. I look like me, but happier and stronger. I can do this. I can handle these idiot cavemen.
When I finish brushing, I leave the bathroom and walk back into the bedroom to find them exactly as I left them, staring at one another like statues. Their jaws tense, and each is a pot of boiling water ready to boil over. I hope I won’t have to referee them forever.
That’s if Drew and I can get through all this bullshit and find happiness on the other side. I want to find a solution to this...tension between us, but I’m afraid we won’t ever be able to overcome our trauma.
Turning my attention to Sebastian, I ask, ”Can you please give us a minute to talk?”
Sebastian sighs long and loudly, then glances over my shoulder at Drew, even though his words were for me. ”I”ll be waiting in the hallway to take you home. Make it quick.”
“You aren’t my boss or my parent, Sebastian. Stop acting like you are,” I say as he leaves the room.
He doesn’t respond and slams the door behind him when he walks out. The coiled tension in Drew seems to unfurl as he lets his shoulder relax, his fists finally uncurl. His eyes shine with pure discontempt, and those eyes eventually find mine.
I wrap my arms around myself, trying not to fall apart.
“What the hell, Drew?” I feel conflicted. “What is this invitation?”
I want to give in to him, to run into his arms and let him hold me, but at the same time, I need to guard my heart and ensure I protect myself from harm.
“All this shit is a stunt to pull us apart. I mean, would it make a difference if I told you I didn’t know anything about the invitation? But it’s not the invitation he’s pissed about. He knew that was coming. It was my father’s demand that Sebastian bring you to the meeting.”
I shrug, “I don’t know. I find that hard to believe. When it comes to your father, you know everything. You’re one of his many forever-moving chess pieces.”
Drew grimaces as if I slapped him, and a tiny hint of guilt unfurrows.
It’s not a lie.
“I know that I’ve fucked up and followed along with my father’s charades before, but I’m done with that shit, Bel. I’m no longer a pawn or chess piece to him. I’m trying to fix this. To do better. Fuck me, Bel. Believe me. Believe me when I tell you I didn’t know about the meeting or the stupid invitation. Just because I’m his son doesn’t mean he tells me everything.”
“I get it, and I want to believe you…”
Shaking his head, he presses his fist against his forehead and turns away from me. The suffocating anguish and anger he’s feeling wafts off him in waves. He feels helpless, and I know that feeling all too well. I want to fix this for him, but I can’t, and while I’m terrified of losing him, all while keeping him at arm”s length, I know that at some point, I’ll lose him anyway if I don’t let him back in.
My fingers itch to touch him, and I curl my fingers into my hand to stop myself.
Heartbeats pass, the tense muscles in his back shift, and he turns around to face me again. Dark green eyes meet mine, and a battle of emotions clashes in their depths.
“Jesus, fuck, you’re acting like we have this wonderful relationship when you know better. Even when I was following along with his bullshit, I was doing it to protect you. I remember you telling me that I didn’t mean the things I was saying. You knew then that I cared and was trying to do the right thing. ”
Every word he speaks tugs on my heartstrings.
I hate how easily I melt for him.
I hate how he draws me into his web at every turn.
I hate that his darkness reaches for the best still secure parts of me as if it wants to consume me. I don’t want to be that girl who gets her heart stomped into the ground again. I can’t lower my standards and boundaries to be with him. I won’t.
Drew steps toward me, and I shake my head, stepping back to keep the distance between us.
”No. We aren”t doing that. I”m not too proud to admit that the second you touch me, I seem to fold in on myself. On my values and beliefs. Your touch cuts me wide open, leaving me exposed and vulnerable, and I can’t be like that right now.”
A wolfish grin touches his lips. “That’s so poetic, Bel. My touch cuts you wide open?”
There’s a seductive edge to his voice that reaches out and grabs me, sinking its claws deep into my skin.
Frustrated, I snap, ”This isn”t a joke, Drew.”
“I never said it was.”
“Then why are you smiling and acting like it is? Sebastian wants to kick your ass, and a part of me wants to let him.”
He scoffs. “This isn”t the first time we’ve fought, and it won’t be the last time we fight either. We don’t know how to talk. Our words are our fists.”
“That’s stupid and immature.”
He shrugs one shoulder. “That’s how we deal with it.”
I stare at him for a long moment. My heartbeat thunders in my ears. I want him. I want what we had before everything. The slow, beautiful thing that had started between us. I just don’t want to get hurt again, and Drew… he’s not the safe bet.
He’s not the guy you bring home to Mom and Dad. He”s not the gentleman who holds the door open for you or gives you flowers on the first date. He’s toxic, messy, a walking red flag, a terrifying nightmare you can never escape, and the villain in every fairy tale. And maybe that’s why I’m so attracted to him. Other girls want to marry the prince. They want the Cinderella castle and the horse carriage.
All I want is to be loved, but I don’t want just any type of love. I want the kind that awakens the soul, that’s obsessive, and scary, and filled with fire that you feel in every cell of your body. I never felt or experienced any of that, not before Drew.
“What”s the look for?” Drew asks, interrupting my thoughts.
I tug at the hem of the shirt, his shirt. “My heart tells me to give us a second chance, but I’m not ready to forgive you yet. I don’t know if I can trust you, and all of this makes it worse. When stuff like this—secrets—pop up, and you act all dismissive, it doesn’t build trust between us. It tears it down.”
It feels like we’re saving each other in so many ways, but when does it end? When do we stop having to save each other and start to heal?
“Does it really matter what I say? Sebastian thinks he has it all figured out. He thinks he knows what’s going on between us, who I am. He’s judging me without knowing a goddamn thing. He knows what my father is like, more than anyone, yet he’s the one who is being the hardest on me of everyone. He acts like I wanted to fucking hurt you. Watching your heart break broke me. It fucking broke me, Bel.”
I let my instincts guide me, carrying me to him. Reaching for him, I sink my fingers into his hair, tugging his head down to mine and pressing our foreheads together.
”Sebastian’s opinion doesn’t matter. He’s mad that you hurt me and I can understand his feelings since I’m his sister, but the only person who controls me is me. I make my own decisions, Drew, and if I want to give you a second chance, if I want to give us a second chance, then I will make that decision on my own, and he will not have any say in it.”
“Good, because I’m not lying to you, Bel. I didn’t know about the fucking meeting. I’m trying to fix things. My father disappeared recently, went on some trip, and my mother, she’s sick. My father couldn’t be reached, so the doctors called me. He left her there to fucking die. He just left.” I can see and feel every emotion he’s experiencing as if it’s my own. The anger and sadness, combined with guilt. I feel for him, so much because while I know that Drew fucked up and hurt me, he wouldn’t be here now if he didn’t really care about what happened.
“I’m trying to do better. I want you. I want us more than anything, but I can’t flip the switch from who I was to who I want to be, who I need to be for you, overnight. It takes time. It”s something I have to work on, and I am. I’m dealing with all this shit at once. But having that person held over my head… It makes it difficult for me to move past. I need your forgiveness, Bel, but I need your acceptance too. I need to know we’re going to do this together.”
I gulp and know he hears it. Letting the moment stretch while I think.
Is it enough?
He takes that moment and grabs me by the hips and pulls me into him, then wraps his arms around my waist, lifting me tight so we are chest to chest. I can only hold his neck and wait until he releases me again. When he does, a long while later, my knees are wobbly.
”Drew...”
He shakes his head. ”I”ll try, Bel. I”ll keep trying, but you need to know something.”
I nod, waiting.
His mouth drops to mine, his lips whispering words on my soul without so much as speaking a word. When the kiss breaks, I’m breathless, and my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest.
”You”re mine. You will always be mine. There is no walking away, even if you think you hate me. There is only us, and I will go to any lengths to ensure you understand that, Bel. I promise I will never let anyone hurt you again. Not my family, not my enemies, no one.”
I gasp at his vehemence. The sheer violence of it. Swallowing hard, I try to keep my face neutral. Shit. His claims do things to me I shouldn”t be feeling. Not when we are starting things out again. When he seems like he”s done with his pronouncement, I shake my head and pull away.
For a moment, I don’t think he”s going to release me, but then his fingers slide off my skin, and he lets me down to the floor again.
”I have to go before Sebastian bursts through the door again, but… it”s all or nothing, Drew. I need all of you. I need you to trust me as I’ll try to trust you. Otherwise, we can’t do this.”
His gaze turns hungry as he stares after me as I grab my phone from the floor and head out the door. Seb waits in the hall and gives me one quick assessing glance before turning to the stairs.
All or nothing.