18. Bel
Since I was little, the library is the one place that had the power to calm me. All my worries and fears vanished when I thought of visiting. We never had a lot of money, but the library didn’t cost anything, and there was no price to be put on the distraction and enjoyment I’d get from falling into a new book.
It was the break away from reality I needed, and it always seemed to fix any problems. For the first time in my life, that’s no longer the case. It doesn’t feel the same anymore. I’ve become accustomed to Drew’s stalking and lingering presence, and without him here, the missing pieces become more noticeable.
There is still plenty of lingering and whispering, though. I didn’t expect so much spotlight to be put on me or for everyone to find out about Drew’s and my torrid love affair and spin it in a soap opera way. I guess I should’ve anticipated the worst.
I try my best to focus on the words in the textbook in front of me, but they might as well be printed in a foreign language with how much sense they make. A groan of frustration bubbles out of me when I think of how much more work I need to do and how much I’m not getting done. The stack of worksheets gets smaller every day, but I’m not used to being behind on my work. Schoolwork is the one thing I excel at, and I’m usually so far ahead on that, I’d be doing extra credit.
I frown at the textbook, wishing I could make my memories of Drew disappear, wishing this damn place didn’t hold so much of who he and I were inside its walls.
I haven’t heard from Drew since the other night when I brought up us being all or nothing. If we’re going to do this, then we need to be a team. We need to trust each other, but that means I need to be willing and capable of trusting him. I need to accept what happened, give him my heart again, and hope he doesn’t make the same mistake twice. In many ways, I’ve already done that, but mentally, I’m afraid to cross that line, to speak the words I love you to him in fear that they’ll be twisted and used against me.
The mere thought makes me sick to my stomach. A dark shadow falls over the textbooks in front of me, and my heartbeat kicks into overdrive. Drew. I both want it to be him and not be him because craving his attention terrifies me. It leaves me vulnerable and weak.
Looking up from the textbook and seeing Sebastian standing there instead of Drew, I’m filled with disappointment and relief.
Stupid emotions. Stupid heart.
“Figured you could use some company and maybe a meal,” he announces, dropping a fast food bag down on the textbook. How did he know? My stomach lets out a loud, angry growl right then, and I snatch it from the spot.
His presence is a well-needed interruption. It”s not as if I”m doing anything anyway. I can’t study because I can’t stop thinking about Drew. And thinking about Drew reminds me of all I lost, and now the one place I used to find solace in is no longer an escape for me.
Jesus, I’m a mess.
I rifle through the bag, and someone has the gall to hush me from the other side of the cubicles. I poke my head up and glare. Probably what I should have done when I arrived. But nothing and no one will come between me and this juicy cheeseburger right now.
“I’m going to assume, since you’re ravaging around inside that bag like a small raccoon, that the answer is yes? You could use the company and a meal?”
The grin on his face and the sarcasm in his voice make me ignore his question. I maneuver the burger so the paper cradles it and lick my lips before opening my mouth wide to take a bite. I’m not like most girls, which is painfully obvious to anyone who pays attention to me. I’ll choose a greasy burger and fries over chicken and leafy greens any day. Nothing against chicken, or lettuce, or girls who like it, but I’m not afraid of a nice meaty burger.
A moan of pure blissful pleasure escapes my mouth at that first bite, and my eyes catch on Sebastian, who is watching me with a wry twist of his lips. Is it embarrassing to enjoy a burger this much? Maybe, but who cares?
”What?” I mumble, mouth full as I chew.
”What a fucking lady you are.”
I nearly choke on the bite as I laugh and give him a nonchalant shrug. ”Good thing I never claimed to be anything of the sort.”
I peer back into the bag and spot the fries. Perfectly golden shoestring fries. My mouth waters, and I pull them out next, carefully arranging them on a napkin so I don”t get grease on my textbooks.
”So what’s the real reason you’ve graced me with your presence and provided me with lunch? And don’t say it’s because you thought I looked lonely and hungry over here in the corner all by myself,” I ask curiously once I”ve swallowed the massive bite.
He reaches across the table and snags a fry from my pile. I glare at his hand while he raises it to his lips, shoving it inside, and then smiles.
He notices my glare. ”Hey, I paid. Technically, those are my fries.”
”Don”t they say possession is nine-tenths of the law? These are my fries now, bud.”
”Bud?”
I shrug. ”I was trying it out. Not really feeling it. What about bro?”
He shakes his head and reaches for another fry. I slap his hand away this time and tug the napkin closer to me. His eyes glitter with amusement, and when he leans forward again, I’m sure it’s to grab another one of my fries, so I’m ready and willing to defend the fried slabs of potato, but he doesn’t reach for mine. Instead, he slides his hand into the bag and pulls out another box of fries.
”Excuse me. You were taking my fries when you already had your own? Rude!”
A chuckle leaves his lips, and for the first time all day, I let my shoulders relax, and my body slouch into the chair. I share this singular moment with him, brother and sister eating fries and burgers together.
I noticethe arches on the bag, and it reminds me that this was one of my mom”s favorite fast food places. I wonder what she would think now if she could see me? See us?
I smile, the story sputtering out of me. ”One time, Mom and I went to this place. We went a lot, by the way. It was one of her favorites. Anyway, we went there, and she wanted fresh fries. It turned into this whole ordeal.”
”What happened?”
There”s something in his tone I can”t quite place, like he wants more, needs more, but he can”t ask or show how much he wants it.
I smile and swipe away a tear that escapes my eye. ”Well, the cashier told her she couldn”t have fresh fries until they made the next batch. Mom politely told them she”d wait as long as necessary. She was so polite, always polite, because she had to work in food service when I was young to support us. She knows how much it can suck, ya know?”
He nods but doesn”t speak, as if he”s urging me to continue.
”Well, anyway, we sat there for an hour. She got her fries, and we ate the whole order together. It”s a silly little memory, but I loved when she was like that. Healthy and happy even though we never really had enough. Even though life was hard, she always found joy in it.”
He looks wistful. ”I envy that you have those memories.”
I reach out and pat his hand gently. ”I”ll share her with you at any opportunity. You”ll get all the stories. It”s not the same, I know, but she”ll be a part of our lives this way.”
He nods, and I watch as he sucks a ragged breath into his lungs. He leans away like he”s closed the subject and moved on already. ”Do you know anything about your father?”
I shake my head. ”No. I never met him, and there”s no name on my birth certificate. I’ve even gone through some of the papers she had hidden away, looking for any clue she might have left behind. Haven’t found anything, what about yours?”
His jaw is tight, and he shakes his head. ”I guess we’re in for more surprises. Who knows, maybe we have more siblings out there?”
The thought fills me with dread. Needing to change the subject before I get truly weepy, I take another bite of the burger, studying him. My brother. How did I not see it before, the way his eyes sparkle like Mom”s used to. He even wrinkles his nose the same way she did.
I see her there in his face in so many ways, and it”s like she left a little part of herself with me before she went.
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” I mumble around another bite.
This confession makes him sit a little straighter in his seat, and he appears to shrug off the playful brother image, pulling on his war armor.
“Do you have to look like you’re going into battle? It”s just a conversation, not a debate for class or actual war.”
His lips barely lift at the sides. “Everything is war, Bel. There’s always someone waiting to steal your piece of the pie. That’s why it’s important to always be vigilant.”
And he’s now starting to sound like one of the old men at the nursing home who were adorable but riddled with dementia.
“Honesty. It’s important to me. I know you don’t like Drew, and you think he’s bad for me.”
He snorts, interrupting me. “Bad is an understatement, but continue…”
I roll my eyes. “He’s your best friend, or at least he was. And I know I’m your sister, and family is important to you, but Drew is family too. After everything you’ve been through together, you should look at each other like brothers. I’m not saying what he did was okay, nor am I saying that he’s forgiven.”
Sebastian lifts his brow in questioning. “So what are you saying?”
Yeah, what are you saying, Bel? Part of me is worried to tell him that I’m working on trusting Drew again because I know he doesn’t support us being together, but I think that’s mainly because he doesn’t want me hurt. But getting hurt comes with falling in love. No pain, no gain.
“I’m trying to work things out with Drew. I haven’t forgiven him, and we have a long road before we’re going to be a couple, but I want you to know and hear it from me that we’re working on things. I’m not asking for your approval or even support. I just don’t want you standing in the way and causing problems.”
His body’s tense, but he remains sitting, his face neutral. He’s better at masking his emotions than I’ll ever be.
“So you’re saying you don’t give a fuck if I agree or not because you’re working this out with Drew, and that’s that?”
Okay, when you put it that way, it sounds kind of rude.
I look down at the food in my hands. The remaining bites of burger stare back at me. “Well, kinda, yes. I’m making my own decisions. I want to be in control of my life and what happens. I know you’re trying to protect me, but protecting me and being an overbearing brother are different. Not to say you’re being overbearing right now, but I can see it heading down that road, and I want to stop it before it gets to that point.”
I’m both shocked and surprised when he smiles, the kind that makes his green eyes light up, showing just a little bit of the human he is underneath the hard exterior.
“You’re smiling like you’re happy.”
“Of course I’m happy.”
I smirk back at him. “Okay, well, I didn’t expect you to take things so well. I half expected you to scold me.”
“Scold you? Maybe a little. But that’s only because I’m selfish and don’t know how to handle having a sibling. I care about you and want to protect you from anything and anyone that might cause you harm or pain. Drew included. It pisses me off that he hurt you, but I’m coming to terms with it and learning to accept things for what they are. If you can change, then so can he.”
“Me change? I haven’t changed.” I grab a fry from the napkin and shove it into my mouth.
Sebastian brushes the blond curls from his forehead, and it’s then I see more of the young, alluring man he is. If only everyone could see this side of him. The side that’s both sweet and fierce. “Bel, you’ve changed so much in the time since our mother passed, and I’m beyond proud of you for it. Proud of you for sticking up for yourself, and for fighting for what you want. Most would’ve fallen into depression and never escaped it. Yeah, you were sad and wallowed in your misery for a while, but who wouldn’t?”
I guess.He continues. “You might not see it, but I do, and I’m sure Drew does too.”
The kindness of his words makes me feel all warm inside. “Whoa, slow it down. Someone might overhear us and think you have a heart in that chest of yours.”
Something sinister flicks in his gaze. “Let them. It’ll be the last thing they ever hear.”
I laugh, thinking it’s a joke, but soon discover he’s serious when his own expression never changes. Okay…
”We never really discussed it, but what was that fight with Drew about? He explained to me that he knew nothing about the invitation. He thinks it’s just another way his dad is trying to stir the pot and cause issues.”
His body tenses, and he clenches his fingers together on the table. ”Do you believe him?” Do I? The fear of putting my faith in him and him fooling me again terrifies me, but no bone in my body believes Drew is playing along with his father anymore.
“Yes.”
“I find it hard to believe he knew nothing. His father wouldn’t blindside him to things.”
“I think you’re wrong. He explained he knew nothing about it, and I believe him. His father is an asshole, and this seems like something he would do. You, more than anyone, once being his best friend, know how his father is.”
He narrows his eyes. “Since when are you the number one chick on the Drew Marshall cheering squad? Did he dickmatize you again?”
I snort and shake my head, but he continues, some of the humor in his tone leaking away. “I can’t be one hundred percent certain, but his father needs him. He needs him at his side. Not sharing important information would make him look weak unless his intention is to shake things up, which is definitely the feeling I got when the invitation arrived without warning. But it’s not the warning I care about since I know this is the season. It’s the damn order to bring you. He has no authority over me.” His tone holds a good amount of suspicion, and while Drew deserves some of his anger, the majority should be directed at the real monster in all this: his father.
“You’ve been best friends for the better part of your lives. I’ve known his dad all of five minutes, and I get the impression he’ll do anything he can to get to the top. He doesn’t care who he has to hurt, even if it’s his own son.” I pause and look away for a moment. This conversation is going deeper than I expected. “All I’m saying is don’t end your friendship with him for me. Drew has been through a lot, and that’s not an excuse for his behavior. But the last thing he needs is another person against him. Besides, I think...I think he misses you.”
Sebastian sighs. “Things with Drew are complicated. He’s like a brother to me and always will be, but you’re my sister. Family always comes first, and if I have to choose to protect you or him, it will be you.”
”Why not choose both of us? Why aren’t you putting this anger into Drew’s father? Yeah, he deserves to have his balls busted, but his dad, he deserves worse.”
A sinister smile twists his lips. “And his time will come sooner than he thinks.”
“Not soon enough,” I mumble under my breath.
“I agree.” He sighs and leans back in his chair. ”Now back to the invitation because I was going to tell you about it the next time we both got a moment to sit and eat together, but that didn’t happen till now, so…”
I scoff. ”Are you insinuating that I have trust issues?”
”Insinuating? You have so many issues a therapist would need another therapist just to dissect them all.”
“Wow, rude,” I squeak through laughter.
Sebastian beams at me. “The invitation we got was for the annual meeting of the families.”
I nod like I know what that is. ”The families?”
”Yes. The Mill, their founding members, and other well-connected families in the community come together once a year to negotiate and handle certain business ventures.”
”So...when you say families, you mean like…” I lean forward and whisper very, very softly, ”Criminals.”
He snickers and shakes his head. ”Some of the families are made up of criminals. However, not all of them do illegal dealings.”
His penetrating gaze stares at me. I”m not sure what he”s waiting for me to do? Freak out or lose my mind maybe? Joke’s on him. I”ve already surpassed my allotted mental breakdowns for the month.
Instead of reacting or asking him why he’s looking at me like I might burst into flames, I ask, “Okay, so why do we have to attend this meeting? And if it happens every year, why are you so mad about it?”
”I’m not mad about the meeting or even that it’s taking place. I’m annoyed that it’s being held by Drew”s father,” he grits out. ”And yes, we”ll both be expected to attend. At least if I want to maintain my protection over you.”
”Got it. Attendance required, or else.”
He sighs and rakes his hands up his face and into his hair. ”I mean yes and no. It’s easier to protect you if you’re with me. They wouldn’t dare try anything in my presence, but leaving you home would be the same as leaving you completely alone. It”s not done often, but occasionally, a family will steal a bride or force a marriage contract. It’s far more ballsy to perform the ceremony beforehand, but like I always say, expect the worst because once the marriage is done, it”s done.”
I grimace. ”Sounds like a great group of people.”
His phone buzzes, and he glances at the screen. His face and body instantly change, freeze up, tense, as if he’s afraid to move or be caught. Then he clicks the screen off and sets the phone farther away.
“Should I even ask?”
He shakes his head, swallowing hard. “It’s nothing. Just my aunt.”
“You have an aunt...” I try to consider how she’d be related to me, but he cuts in.
“My uncle’s wife. They raised me mostly because my grandfather never wanted to get into the nitty-gritty of actual child-rearing. But don’t worry about it...where was I?
I lick my lips, wishing I were brave enough to push on this, but the set in his jaw says I shouldn’t. “The people at the party...good...?”
”Far from it. We”ll have to be careful at the meeting, both before and after. With my grandfather’s death still fresh, I’ll have to do whatever I can to cement my place as the heir to the family. It’s going to be extremely important that we maintain a strong front and show no weakness whatsoever. I need to ensure that all the families understand that I”ll be as decisive as my grandfather so no one moves in on the business.”
I’m tempted to ask what exactly the business is. We”ve skirted around it for so long, but if I”m going to be an active participant in this, I need to know.
Clearing my throat, I demand, ”Tell me.”
Giving the surrounding space a cautious glance, he leans forward. Most of the seats near us are empty.
”Wait, it’s not…” I pause, not wanting to offend him. ”It”s not like prostitution, is it?”
He shakes his head. ”No, it”s not that. Not even close.” I watch as he slowly eases his hands apart, holding one up before cocking it back like a gun. There’s a crushing reality of what that means. Guns. Weapons.
”Oh. Okay.” Can I live with that? Do I need to know the particulars or...
Shit. The ethical ramifications swirl through my head. Then I jolt...”Does Drew?”
He grins and shakes his head. ”Nope. The Marshalls are too good to dip their toes into the illegal dealing of weapons. Lyle is in charge of the money. Most of the organization”s money. But that will change soon after everything went down.”
The memory threatens to surge up, and I push it back. ”Yeah, I don”t think I”m going to hate it if that guy gets knocked down a peg or twenty.”
”You and pretty much everyone else. He”s just so damn good with the numbers. Or at least his employees are. He”s good with people, cajoling them, threatening them, doing whatever it takes to get their money.”
I blink. I know someone else who is good with people too. Not that I”d admit I found any similarities between Drew and his father to his face. He seems to hate the man, as I do. As does Seb apparently.
”So why is he holding the meeting if everyone hates him?”
”Good question. He’ll be asking himself that question after the meeting too if things go the way I want.”
There”s so much threat in his tone I sit back, putting some distance between us. I haven”t heard that tone since before we found out the truth of our relationship. Back when he thought I was a pretty amusement for Drew.
”Well, tell me what I need to do,” I whisper. ”I can handle it.”
He nods and smiles, his eyes softening, his shoulders slipping down now. ”I know. We”ve got this. Together.”
I nod, feeling not so alone anymore. ”Together.”