Chapter 30 Elijah
Elijah
I scroll through my messages on my phone. A couple from Katelyn, wondering where I’ve been and asking if we can meet up after I help Flux. A few from Claire, begging me to come home since Tobias has been acting weird, and of course… a dozen from the man himself.
My chest aches when I open his most recent.
Angel: I can’t sleep without you here
Angel: I miss you so bad, E. I can’t stand it.
Angel: Come home to me. Please.
And of course, the one I got today.
Angel: Are you coming to the xmas party? I’d really like to see you
I clench my fist around my phone. We had planned that together a few months ago.
With the anniversary of dads passing coming up, I want nothing more than to be with him during this time. He’s the only person who understands. He’s where I feel the safest when all I want is to crumble.
Fuck, this is all so damn stupid.
I pull my hood over my head and push through the campus, music blasting to drown out my thoughts. Every beat fights the voices in my head: He doesn’t trust you. You left him. You failed him.
Now Tobias is alone. Struggling with his dad. Upset and probably feeling scared.
I would’ve been there for him, through all of this, if he had just let me.
But, it had to be Gabe.
Thinking about it angers me all over again. It’s a constant loop replaying in my mind that doesn’t stop.
My boots crunch through the wet snow on the ground as I head into the art building.
The air is cold in my lungs but the warmth in the hallways heats me up instantly.
“Ah, there you are.” Flux smiles, writing something on the board. “I was wondering where you had escaped to last weekend.”
I shake my head, unzipping my hoodie and sitting in my usual seat. “Nowhere important,” I answer.
She looks over her shoulder at me, wary of my attitude.
I don’t mean to give it to her. This is why I tried to focus on being alone this weekend in my dorm. I just needed space. Time to…let out all my frustration.
Even though I know inside that as long as Tobias and I aren’t speaking, I’ll remain frustrated.
I mean, who’s fault would that be anyway?
I shake my head, trying to rid my mind of these repeating thoughts. “What can I help you with?” Taking out my notebook and pen.
Flux drops her whiteboard marker and heads over to me, sitting in the seat next to me.
“Talk to me,” she urges.
I look at her, shocked. “About what?”
She looks all over my face, as though she can see right through me. “You’re upset.”
“It’s that obvious?” I huff out a laugh, twiddling my pen in between my fingers.
“Yes.” She holds in a laugh. “But, also,” her voice steadies as she tilts her head. “I noticed there haven’t been any new additions to your project.”
My tight smile drops from my face. Yeah, it’s a little hard to work on a piece like that when I’m so upset. I bite my lower lip, tapping my pen on paper. “Yeah…”
Flux sighs, throwing her hair over her one shoulder. “Listen, I haven’t struggled with relationship problems in a long time… but I remember what they feel like as if it were yesterday.”
I try my hardest to force down the lump rising in my throat. I’m not too sure if anyone would really understand the position I’m in with Tobias.
“Did you and your husband ever…keep secrets from one another?” I swallow thickly.
She takes a moment to think about that. “We were together for sixteen years. I wouldn’t say we held big secrets, like infidelity, no.
” She shakes her head. “But…yeah, I guess it’s normal to keep something from someone sometimes if it means keeping their feelings unharmed.
Or, keeping them safe.” She shrugs plainly.
I pinch my eyebrows together. “Yeah…” I guess. I let out a deep breath. “I guess that’s not even really the problem, if I’m being honest.”
“Oh no?”
I shake my head. “Honestly? I feel…like I let him down.” I feel the tears start piling up as the truth that I’ve been holding down starts to spill out.
“He didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth.
And…it’s my fault.” I pinch my eyes shut, unable to hold back the emotions.
“He’s my person and I’m supposed to be his.
And yet…I’ve failed him.” I mutter, the tears spilling down my cheeks.
Flux gasps, pets my hair, grasping me softly on the back of my neck. “Elijah, you are a wonderful partner. I saw the way you two looked at each other.”
I shake my head, sucking in a breath. “He doesn’t trust me. Just like when we were kids.”
“Elijah, honey. How long have you two been together?” She asks, wiping her finger down my cheek.
I sniffle. “A little over a year.”
A laugh slips through her lips. “Oh darling, I’m sorry for laughing. I just—” She tilts her head. “You’re still learning about each other. You’re growing. He probably didn’t want to tell you because he was afraid of losing you.”
I shake my head. “But he told Gabe.”
She pets my head again, running her hand through my hair. “I don’t know who this Gabe character is but…I’m almost certain that Tobias wouldn’t look at him the same way he looks at you.”
I look at her, letting her words settle in my heart. “You think so?”
She sighs softly. “He looked at you like you hung the moon.”
I nod softly, wiping my face. I feel the same way about him.
“Love isn’t perfect but you two are perfect for each other. I’ll tell you that much.” She smiles softly, squeezing my shoulder.
I look at her with thankfulness heavy in my heart. She’s only known me for such little time, but it’s nice that we’ve grown so fond of each other.
“You’re too kind to me. I don’t deserve this special treatment.” I laugh lightly.
“I beg to differ.” Her eyes dance over my face. “I saw something special in you the first time I saw you. I saw it then and I see it now. You need anything, ever. You can come to me.” She says kindly. Leaning in, she lays a soft kiss on my cheek.
In a moment of closeness and vulnerability, I didn’t think much of it at all. Other than Gwen, I’ve never had a mother figure in my life, but at this moment, I kind of felt like this may be what it’s like.
That is, until I hear rummaging coming from the classroom door.
I turn to look and see Katelyn muttering to herself as she shifts her tote on her arm, storming out before the door slams shut.
“Oh no.” Flux gasps. “I shouldn’t have…Elijah, I’m so sorry—” she reaches out to comfort me but pulls her hand back, as though she’s realizing right now that we’ve crossed a line.
I shake my head and stand up. “No, don’t worry. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was just a misunderstanding.” I quickly respond, picking up my things. “I should probably go and…” I tilt my head apologetically towards the door.
“No, of course. Please do.” Her face stricken by fear and worry.
Shit. She was trying to be nice and comfort me, and here she goes almost losing her job.
“Okay,” I turn to leave, but before I do, I turn back to wave to her. “Thank you again.”
She nods quickly waving me off. “Yes, yes. Of course, now go.” She says, rubbing her forehead.
I’ve got to make this right.
Running quickly, I catch up to an angry Katelyn, marching through the halls as her hands cross her chest.
“Katie, wait up,” I yell, grabbing her arm to slow her down.
“Don’t touch me!” She calls out.
Oh jeez. My eyes widen as I stop in my tracks. “Shit. Okay, I’m sorry.” I hold my hands up and take a step back.
I see nothing but fury in her eyes as she breathes in and out heavily. Stepping towards me, she raises a finger as if to scold me. “I told you, you’d do this. I knew you’d hurt him.”
My brows pinch together. “No, you’ve got it all wrong.”
She lets out a short, sharp laugh. “You’ve got to be joking. You think I’d fall for that again?” She shakes her head. “You did the same thing with me, remember? And now you’re doing it with Tobias. I honestly think you’ve got a problem.”
“A problem?”
Her eyes widen, looking at me from head to toe. “A sex problem. You just can’t help yourself and now you’re hurting someone else who genuinely gives a shit about you.”
I can’t help but blurt a laugh. “I’ve got a lot of problems but sex isn’t one of them, I assure you.”
“Jokes again. Figures when it’s the only language you speak.” She rolls her eyes before turning to walk away again. “Well, let’s see how funny it is when I tell the Dean about Professor Flux. I bet he’ll think it’s just a royal hoot.”
My heart drops as I fast walk my way in front of her, cutting her off. “Woah, Katelyn. What the hell is your problem? I told you that it was a misunderstanding.”
“Oh? Did she trip and fall into kissing you?”
“Uh, it was my cheek. And no, she was comforting me…which is what…” realization dawns on me as I explain myself. “It’s what friends do for friends.”
Did I misunderstand Gabe being a friend to Tobias?
Fuck!
Katelyn shakes her head, looking over my shoulder. “I…I don’t know what to believe.”
I take in a deep breath. “Katelyn, you go to the Dean with this, you’re not just hurting me. You’d be hurting Professor Flux for no reason.”
“She shouldn’t have kissed you. She’s a teacher.”
“No, you’re right. But, when I needed a friend, she was there. And that’s just how it is.”
A frown creases her lips. “I’m your friend.”
“Are you? Are you really? Because since we started being friends, you’ve done nothing but remind me of how shitty I am.”
Her tongue pokes at the inside of her cheek as she looks away from me. Clearly, I’ve struck a nerve from that one. But, it’s true. I can’t shake the feeling she doesn’t like me as much as she says she does.