Chapter 44 Tobias
Tobias
I didn’t realize how off I’d feel, stepping back into our house.
I watch as Elijah steps inside, slinging his duffel bag in the entry way before starting to strip off his coat to hang up. The lights are off and the house seems dark.
Too dark.
I lift my foot to enter, but I’m suddenly struck with a cold reality.
I don’t want to go inside.
Elijah stops moving and I can feel him close the distance between us in seconds flat. Placing his hands around my body, he holds me close. “Oh, Angel.” He whispers, bringing my head into his chest.
I close my eyes, trying to see if that helps at all. The pressure on my chest mounts, flashes of him hitting me over the head replaying relentlessly in my mind. Constant sleepless nights. The wine cellar, cold and wet. The loneliness. The shadows.
Darkness. Everything was so dark.
Without having to say a word, Elijah places his hand firmly on my cheek, coaxing me to look at him.
“You’re scared?” He asks with nothing but care in his eyes.
I nod slowly, feeling vulnerable…but safe in his arms.
“Then we’ll keep the lights on,” he says firmly, reaching behind me to flick the switch. The hallway fills with a soft, warm glow that steadies my pulse. No shadows. My breathing evens out as he guides me inside, letting the door close slowly behind us, his hand never leaving mine.
“And we’ll play music,” he murmurs, brushing a strand of hair away from my eyes. “All the time, so it’s never quiet.” He calls out to the sound system, and a song drifts through the room. I can feel my heartbeat slow as the melody fills the space, wrapping around us like a warm embrace.
Elijah slips my jacket from my shoulders, his fingers lingering over my arms as he hangs it in the closet. Then he crouches, gently lifting my feet to help me out of my boots, his touch soft and deliberate. “And you’ll talk to me,” he whispers, meeting my gaze. “And I’ll listen. No matter what.”
He stands, pulling me closer into his chest, and I feel him press gentle, slow kisses along my hair and temple. His arms tighten around me, as I immediately melt into his hold, feeling supported.
“I don’t want to think.” I mutter. “I don’t even want to move.” I huff out a tiny, painful laugh.
Elijah just looks at me, wrapping my arm around his shoulders before holding my waist. “So, don’t. Lean on me. I’ll do it for you.”
“Eli—” I begin.
“I’m here, Tobias. I love you and I’m not leaving.” He squeezes my hips, reminding me how close he is.
I love you and I’m not leaving
I let his words settle in my chest. After a moment, I step forward. “Okay.”
Elijah continues bringing me inside, and I’m relieved to see that the place is all cleaned up.
I’m not sure when or how, but my guess is Gwen had something to do with it.
Elijah cleaning me off in the shower feels tremendous after being stuck in the hospital for a week. I feel refreshed, rejuvenated…reborn.
But, even as he scrubs me down, I know that this is just one of many nights where I’m going to struggle.
The reality is, I don’t think I’ll be okay for a while. And it terrifies me that it’ll be too much for him.
But here he is anyway, just like he said he would be, washing between my toes, making me crack a smile.
“There you are.” He winks, sliding back up my body. “My precious,” he kisses my cheek deeply, making a loud sucking noise.
“You sound like Gollum.” I laugh, running my hand down his face.
“I think it’s pretty clear that it’s an accurate representation of how I feel about you, yeah.” Elijah chuckles.
“So you still love me?” I tease.
“If you have to ask that, you haven’t been paying attention.” He shakes his head before dunking his head under the stream.
I watch, mystified as the soap suds from his hair run down his beautiful chest. Leaning in, I kiss softly down his throat, feeling the warmth of the water surrounding us in the cocoon.
I could stay right here forever in his arms. The way my heart feels…
at peace when he’s around. Like I can breathe again.
Like maybe everything isn’t so bad, after all.
I can only hope he never leaves me again.
I can only hope.
***
The first night returning home, I barely slept.
Elijah kept his promise to me, not leaving my side and keeping the lights on.
And honestly, I’m beyond thankful for it. I don’t have it in me to lie to him again, telling him everything is alright. Once was enough, and now that Derrick is gone, I don’t want to keep anything from him ever again.
Which is why I was honest with him when I broke down in his arms the next night.
We were watching some documentary about elephants roaming together in packs.
I’m not sure why, but the way Elijah agreed to lay with me, bare chest to bare chest, holding me so tightly that I felt nothing but love, hit me all at once.
“What if I get to be too much?” I sniffled.
“I will never get enough of you. Not now, not ever.” He whispered softly, kissing me on my temple. “I think you severely underestimate how special you are and that can be a dangerous thing.”
I suck in a breath, unsure I’m ready to hear such sweet words. “Eli—”
“You’re the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met. And I’ll keep saying it until you believe it. Honestly, I’ll say it even after that.” Elijah says, rubbing down my back.
I crumble into his arms, allowing myself to unfold and melt. Too tired to keep hiding. Too exhausted to deny it any longer.
This is what love is supposed to feel like.
Terrifying. Fragile. And completely unconditional.
This is real love. Flaws and all.
He keeps choosing me again and again, even when it’s hard. Even when it’s down right painful. As much as I wanted to keep my pain away from him, it caught up to us. And yet, he’s still here.
Two days later, the silence wasn’t as loud. We took this time to focus on being together. Healing. And just…taking a beat.
Elijah assured me that somehow he figured out the time off from the restaurant, so not wanting to pry, I allowed him to do his thing and just felt relieved to take a moment to not think about that stress.
Instead, we took this time to talk. A lot. Honestly, I think I’ve talked more this week than I have in the past five years. But, for the first time, it doesn’t feel so scary.
There’s no scary man waiting for me at the end of the tunnel if I slip up and say too much. It’s just E and I, and that’s all I’ve ever needed.
Every day for the next week, we spent a lot of time walking outside to get fresh air and strengthen my lungs, like the doctor instructed. Sure, it’s cold as all hell outside as we approach Christmas, but truthfully, it feels nice to get out of the house and move my body again.
Remaining active is something that’s important to me, and I don’t want Derrick to take that from me. Not like he can take anything from me ever again.
Damn, it’s still going to take some time to get used to that.
By the end of the week, we were walking down Main Street together.
Elijah pushes through the Bloom & Brew doors, and hands me my hot caramel macchiato. As much as I love it there, I’m not ready to socialize just yet. Elijah understands and grabs us both our drinks.
“Mmm, thank you.” I smile, smelling the sweet liquid wafting from the cup.
Elijah beams at me, leaning in to kiss me on the cheek before linking his gloved hands in mind.
Main Street has been decorated with twinkly lights in the trees that line the sidewalk, people are bustling in and out of the stores, getting ready for the holidays.
It kind of sucks we can’t go to the lake house for Christmas, but I try to stifle that thought for now. Just being here with Elijah is enough for me. I don’t want to think about the fire right now.
We walk around town for a while, listening to the faint sounds of Christmas music playing from the storefronts. I’m so happy Elijah is with me to see it.
“This will be our first real Christmas together.” I say softly.
“Yeah, last year was kind of a blur, wasn’t it?” He sighs.
Last year, we had lost Jude and the holidays sort of passed by. This year… despite everything we just went through, I’m thinking we’re going to remember it a little better.
“I want this Christmas to be better. I want the next year…to be better.” Elijah begins.
“Oh? Should I be scared?” I tease, bringing my cup to my lips.
“Not at all.” He smiles, kissing the back of my hand. “I love you, and I love being with you. But at some point, we’re going to have to return back to life and…well, I want to make sure I do a better job this time. At loving you the way you need to feel loved,” he says, glancing over at me.
My eyebrow arches, not sure what he means by that. “E. You’re perfect.”
“I could be better. What’s a relationship if you’re not constantly growing together, right?” He squeezes my hand.
My eyebrows pinch but I nod. He’s right.
We end up walking to my favorite park, now dusted with snow. The river running through it has frozen over and is now alive with skaters. We settle on a bench atop a hill, watching people below glide hand in hand or play on the ice, their laughter carrying up to us.
I can sense something is on Elijah’s mind, but I wait patiently, so he doesn’t feel pressured.
“This is my first relationship, T.” He swallows deeply, looking down at his cup. “I don’t want to let you down.”
My head snaps in his direction. That’s what he’s thinking?
“Are you kidding? You could never.” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Elijah actually has insecurities of being a good partner? I’m shocked beyond belief. “How can I make you realize how good you are to me?”
Elijah’s eyes widen, like he wasn’t expecting me to ask. “Well, uh…it’s funny that you’d say that. Because I’ve been thinking about how it’d be nice to know what makes you feel safe with me. So I could do it or keep doing it, you know?”
I smile softly, shifting my body to look at him better.
“Yeah, okay.” I think about that for a moment.
I feel my cheeks redden, since I guess I’ve never really thought about it before and it’s a little vulnerable to really say it out loud.
But, this is Elijah. My Elijah. And he’s really wanting me to open up to him… so it’s worth trying.
I lick my lips, searching for the right words. “It makes me feel safe…when you text me. I like updates when we’re not around each other. What you’re doing. What you’re eating. I like knowing. It makes me feel close to you.” I shrug.
A small smile tugs at Elijah’s lips. “Yeah, okay. I can do that. What else?” He asks, planting his hand on my lap.
His encouragement helping, I fiddle with his fingers in mine. “I guess I really like it when you hug me fully. Like, when you lay completely on my body. It weighs me down and it feels really good.”
With a playful smirk on his lips, he squints at me. “Naked or not naked?”
“I’ll take it all but I guess I prefer it when we’re both naked.” I laugh.
“Okay, I can do that.” He chuckles, squeezing my hand. “This is good. Really good. Thank you, T.” He sighs lovingly.
I stroke his hair softly, loving the way his waves fall on his face under his blue toque. “It’s your turn.” I say softly.
His eyebrows raise as his eyes sparkle. “Really?”
“Of course. I want to be good for you too.” I nod.
Elijah bites his bottom lip before leaning in to lay a soft kiss on my lips, warming me up more than the hot coffee in my hand. “You’re always good to me,” he says quietly, leaning back. “But…I guess, if there’s anything…” He looks down at our linked hands and squeezes gently.
“Tell me, please.” I urge him, nudging him on his knee with mine.
“I’m going to need you to go back to therapy. I need you to go back because I need you, T. Derrick might be gone, but he left behind his mark. I need you to work on your mental health for me to feel safe that I’ll never lose you.”
Air leaves my lungs in a sharp exhale. The word therapy hits like a slap…not because of Elijah, but because Derrick twisted it into a weakness. His voice still lingers where the fear lives. Which…I guess is the whole point Elijah’s trying to make.
I feel a tightness in my chest as I grip my cup. “You think it’ll fix me?”
Elijah immediately cups the back of my neck, forcing me to look in his eyes.
“Therapy isn’t about fixing you. God, there’s nothing to fix.” He breathes, his hand steady on the back of my neck. “It’s support. It’s someone else holding the weight with you—making sure you’ve always got more than one hand to reach for when the voices get too loud.”
I lean in instinctively, drawn to the calm in his words. Unlike Derrick’s, Elijah’s voice doesn’t carry shame. Only care. Only love.
I bite my trembling lip as I watch the kids skating by, their laughter echoing off the ice. “You know…you remind me so much of your dad sometimes.”
A quiet laugh slips from him before he rests his forehead against my cheek. “Thank you,” he sniffs.
I wish I could wrap my arm around him, but instead, I rest my head against his, staring down at our joined hands. “I’ll go back. I should’ve gone back a long time ago.” I suck in a breath, my brows furrowed. “And… I don’t want to drink anymore. Not for a while.”
He lifts his head slightly, studying me. I focus on a loose thread on his glove.
“I’m not saying I’ve got a problem,” I murmur. “Because I don’t. I’m not my father.” My jaw tightens as the thought of that man burns through me. “But maybe that’s why I want to stop. Things got really scary there for a while, and I didn’t know how to quiet the noise. But I do now.”
When I look at him again, there’s a soft smile playing on his lips.
“I’ve got you. I’ve got people who love me. I don’t need that anymore.”
He exhales, voice breaking. “Fuck, I love you.”
A tear drops down my cheek and he’s quick to reach up and wipe it away before bringing me close for a long, deep kiss.
But unlike many tears that have come before, this doesn’t feel like just another sad tear.
It’s one that also carries some hope.