23. You’re You
TWENTY-THREE
You’re You
Lillian
W hen I heard Harry pull up in my drive, I hustled out the side door to the garage and hit the garage door opener.
What I always thought was hilariously Americana, my house was tiny, and my garage was nearly as big as my house. Set back on the lot, it was two-car with a massive storage room and a laundry room at the back.
Easy for Harry to park his truck next to my Subaru, even if he had one of those big duallies.
When he got out, he came right around to me, tugged me into his arms and dropped a sweet, light kiss on my lips.
I’d had Ronetta all day, Trey and Jenna part of it, texts and phone calls from people I cared about telling me I was in their thoughts.
But until right then, standing in Harry’s arms, I’d been riding an undercurrent of feeling everything was wrong. The air smelled wrong, the sky looked wrong, food tasted wrong.
And now everything felt right.
“What can I help bring in?” I asked.
He let me go (alas), turned and opened his passenger side door. He handed me a couple of carrier bags.
He then shifted to the back door and hefted two thirty-pound bags of dog food on his shoulder.
He’d totally earned all the many swells and plains of muscles in his chest (and arms, I couldn’t forget those arms).
“I’ll leave one of these out here. If you could get water sorted for them,”—he tipped his head toward what I was holding—“their bowls are in there, that’d be good.”
“Gotcha,” I replied and went in.
While I was unpacking the dog stuff, Harry came in and out, leaving one of the sacks of dog food, then returning with his duffle and a number of hangers covered in clear plastic containing his uniforms draped over his shoulder.
He stopped and looked down at the new doggie station I’d created. There were three brown and cream checked mats that had been personalized, one said Lucy , another Linus and the last Smokey . Now, all those mats had stainless steel bowls filled with water on them.
Slowly, Harry turned to look at me.
“I wanted them to know they’re welcome,” I explained.
A number of things happened in my body when his expression changed. I’d seen a version of that look on his face a lot the night before, and that morning, but there was an added nuance that, yes, even where I was right then in my life, made my nipples bead.
And he hadn’t seen the dog beds I’d bought yet.
“How did you get them personalized in a day?” he asked.
“Jenna does that in house. I called her this morning, she had them ready by the time we swung by this afternoon.”
Still carrying his duffle and uniforms, he came to me, and I got another light kiss.
He then started across the room but stopped dead again when he saw the three big, fleecy, pillowy beds, which were the new décor in the living room.
His neck twisted so he could look at me, and that expression on his face was about a million times stronger.
“Did you also buy filet mignon?” he asked.
“I knew I forgot something,” I joked.
He smiled then returned on his journey to my bedroom.
I followed him.
He dropped the duffle.
I opened the door to my closet where there was now a couple of feet of extra space, and several free hangers.
“You can put your uniforms there,” I told him.
Harry did that.
When he did, I stated, “Okay, this is also not stalkery euw. While you’re with me, you’re more than welcome to live out of your duffle bag. But…” I moved to my dresser and opened the second drawer, the one I’d emptied earlier. “You can also unpack so you’ll feel more at home. No pressure,” I said hurriedly. “I’m not making any statements or being weird or?—”
I stopped talking when Harry walked up to me and put his fingers to my lips.
“You’re tidy,” he said quietly, dropping his hand. “I get it. You don’t want my shit all over the floor.”
This was very true. I was very tidy.
And okay, this was a big thing for me, especially now, when I needed my space like I needed my space.
But I also needed Harry.
Though, it was more, since I didn’t need Harry to think I was needy, latching on to him and sending what we were exploring into the stratosphere way too soon because I was raw and emotional and, well… needy .
I bit my lip.
“I can unpack, Lillian, it isn’t a big deal,” he said.
I studied him closely. “You sure?”
“Honey.”
That was all he said.
I had a feeling he thought that word communicated more than it actually did, so regrettably, I had to ask him what he thought it communicated.
“Is that confirmation you’re sure?”
“Is there something here beyond the something we both know all too well is happening here?” he asked in return.
Hunh?
“I’m not following,” I admitted.
“Lillian, we both know why I’m here. We both also know I need to be here how you need me to be here. So if you need things a certain way, there isn’t anything to be nervous about. So, is there something else that’s making you nervous?”
I was seeing why he was so good at what he did for a living.
I was also reminded how new we were, because we hadn’t gotten to the point of talking about things like this.
Or, I hadn’t.
“I dated someone not too long ago. We were together for a while. I was ready for more. He’d been burned pretty bad by someone else, and he wasn’t. I think I got too pushy and that’s when things ended.”
“How long were you together?”
“A year and a half.”
His face softened. “That’s not too long to start to get pushy, sweetheart.”
“I didn’t think so,” I mumbled.
“Who was it?”
My body gave a slight jerk, because he’d told me he was friends with Doc Riggs.
And Doc Riggs shared something important in common with my ex-boyfriend.
“Stormy Tennant,” I told him.
“Ah,” he replied.
But yeah.
Ah .
Stormy had totally been screwed over by a woman, as had Doc Riggs, seeing as it was the same woman who screwed them both over.
They each got something really good out of it. But even so, what she did was unconscionable.
“I liked him a lot.” And thought I’d loved him, but I was reconsidering that these days. “But I got it.”
“Yeah,” Harry agreed. “Though I feel for him about why he’d be skittish to commit, and it led him to doing something stupid, like letting a fantastic woman slip through his fingers. But I’m feeling selfish, so I’m glad he did.”
Right.
Time to kiss him and do it hard.
I threw myself at him and did just that.
We were still doing it when my doorbell rang.
“That’s probably Rus with the dogs,” he muttered against my lips.
That would be the only thing I’d be glad forced us to stop necking. Animals made a home.
I totally needed to hit the rescue.
Harry took my hand, led me to the front door, and he was right. He opened it and a very handsome man I knew was the FBI guy who came to deal with the Brittanie Iverson murder and then stayed, stood there next to Lucinda Bonner’s adorable daughter.
The girl had hold of Lucy’s leash. The man had Smokey’s and Linus’s.
All three of the dogs were straining toward their daddy.
“Come in,” Harry invited as he shuffled us out of the way.
A doggie fracas ensued as they did, leashes were unclipped, dogs got excited, pets and ear rubs were extended, Harry got them under control, and then finally they settled down enough to put noses to the ground and suss out their new space.
“Right.” Harry slid his arm around my shoulders. “Rus, Maddie, this is Lillian. Lillian, this is my friend Rus and his stepdaughter, Madden.”
“We don’t call me that, Harry,” Maddie informed him. “Rus is my second dad, and I’m his second daughter.” She looked to me. “On account he has another one older than me. But she and me are just sisters even though we’ve got different mothers…” A pause then, “And fathers.”
“I like that way of looking at it,” I told her.
I liked more the consummately satisfied and doting expression Rus had on his face when his “second daughter” said all of this.
“Sabrina, my sister, is graduating college next year and she’s gonna move to Misted Pines,” Maddie went on to share. “She says she likes the fresh air and all the wildflowers we get. But mostly she likes Jason Bohannan.”
“Well, those are all good reasons, on top of having her dad close, and her sister.”
I clamped my mouth shut after I said that. The feel of the room changed, Harry’s arm tightened, and I watched Maddie’s face turn sad.
And being a kid, she just went for it.
“Rus told me about your mom and dad. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks, honey,” I mumbled.
“I had another sister once,” she announced. “She didn’t have the same mom and dad as me either. Her name was Brittanie.”
I stiffened at learning she thought of that poor murdered woman as her sister and just how a little kid might process that kind of loss. I was a big kid, and I was struggling.
Maddie again didn’t hesitate to put it out there.
“We put her ashes in the river, and she floated away. I’d so rather have Brittanie around so I could do her hair like she used to let me do, but it felt good, watching her float away like that. I don’t know why, and Mom says I shouldn’t question it, just let it feel good. And until I watched her float away, knowing she was gone, I didn’t feel good at all. So I decided to do that. Just let it feel good, I mean.”
“It works that way, I guess,” I replied.
“Well, I hope you feel better when you, uh…do whatever you’re gonna do with your mom and dad.”
“I hope so too.”
Harry butted in. “Maddie, can you help Lillian get the dogs sorted while I talk to Rus outside for a bit?”
Maddie looked up at him. “Sure, Harry.”
Harry’s arm gave me a squeeze, so I looked up at him too, but I got a kiss on my nose and a whispered, “Be right back, baby.”
I loved it when he said that.
It wasn’t hard to figure out why. It was because I knew he’d actually be back, and two people I cared about left and never returned.
But I didn’t have it in me to analyze this too much. Not then.
I just rested in the knowledge I knew he’d be back.
Though, what Maddie said was food for thought, because it felt good, and truthfully, there was no reason to question it.
The men went out, leaving me with Maddie.
“I don’t think the dogs need much sorting,” Maddie remarked.
I gazed around.
Smokey was drinking out of the dish on Lucy’s mat. Lucy was lying on one of the new dog beds. Linus was up on the sectional, exploring.
“They do this a lot, you know,” Maddie said.
I turned to her, thinking she was referring to the dogs. “Do what?”
“Rus and Harry ‘talking outside.’ They do that a lot.”
I bet they did.
“Do you want a drink? I also have snacks,” I offered.
She shook her head then came closer to me when Smokey came to me, sat down and rested his muscled bulk against my leg.
She petted Smokey’s head. “Rus and me are having burgers and shakes at the Double D.” She grinned up at me. “I get a lot of father and daughter nights, seeing as I have two dads.”
I hid the feeling that someone had punched me in the heart at the reminder I’d never again share a burger and a shake with my dad (or my mom) and said, “That’s awesome.”
She frowned. “I’m not being careful with you like Rus told me to.”
“You’re fine, honey,” I assured quickly. “It’s the worst, but we both know that. You can be super, extra careful, and it’s still going to hurt for a while.”
“It is the worst,” she agreed. “I was real glad Rus was around when it happened to us. I got him, but Mom got him too. She loved Brittanie like me.”
“I’m understanding that,” I told her, my thoughts moving to Harry.
She smiled. “I know. I heard Mom talking to Gram. Everybody’s real happy Harry found his good girl. Like, Harry’s the best guy in town, outside my dad, and Rus, and my uncle Porter, and maybe the Bohannan twins, oh, also Mr. Bohanan, and I can’t forget Mr. Riggs.”
I grinned at her as her list kept getting longer.
She finally ended it. “So Harry’d need to find the best girl. And everyone in town thinks you’re her.”
That didn’t feel like a punch in the heart.
It felt like the warmth of a blanket.
“Wow, thanks,” I replied.
“Smokey thinks so too,” she said.
I looked down at Smokey, and like he felt my attention, he panted up at me.
I gave him deeper scratches behind his ear.
He licked my wrist.
The door opened and Harry came in, but Rus just swung his torso in.
“Ready to eat, kid?” he asked Maddie.
“Yeah,” she replied, then she surprised me by bopping into my space and giving me a quick hug.
She let me go and bopped toward the door, but she left me feeling better. Not as right as I felt when I was in Harry’s arms, but kids had superpowers they didn’t know they had. And Maddie just used hers on me.
“Nice to meet you, Lillian,” Rus said.
“Thanks for looking after the dogs and bringing them over. And enjoy your Double D,” I returned.
“No problem and will do.”
Maddie had completed the hug she gave Harry and waved at me as Rus made room for her to walk out the door.
Harry closed it on them.
“She’s a sweet kid,” I observed.
“The best,” he replied and came to me.
When he did, all the dogs came to both of us and bustled around.
But Harry was only about me. I knew this when he slid his arms around me, not losing contact with my gaze.
Yeah, there it was again.
I was grounded. I was safe. I was with a good man.
This was right.
“Wanna start dinner?” I asked.
“I have something to share first,” he told me.
Uh-oh.
“Is it something bad?” I asked hesitantly.
“No. It’s something we hope will be really good.”
Oh my God.
He said “we.”
Like police “we?”
“What?”
He let me go but again took my hand, and this time he led me to the couch. He sat us down, doing this close. The dogs continued to bustle around, and Harry gave some distracted head strokes, but again, his attention didn’t leave me.
Then he told me about suitcases and journals and a motel owner who remembered my parents.
He finished with, “I don’t want to get your hopes up. But when an ongoing crime crosses state lines, the FBI is automatically called in. This means you have the Fret County Sheriff’s Department, Coeur d’Alene Police and the FBI looking into it. We had very little to go on, Lilly. We now have something to follow. Your mom’s journals could be key. I was very worried how this investigation would go, honey. I’m feeling a fuck ton better about it now.”
“Mom journaled,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” he said.
“For as long as I knew. She told me she liked to ‘get it all down, even if it’s the bad stuff, doll baby, get it out, put it away, but mostly if it’s the good.’ That’s what she’d say.”
Harry took my hand in both of his, and I was so wound up in the knowledge there were suitcases, journals in my mom’s hand, journals sharing her thoughts, it took me a bit to realize he was saying nothing but playing with my fingers.
“Harry?” I called.
My breath caught when his brown eyes came to mine.
They were burning.
“I need to find these fucks for you,” he said, his deep voice abrasive, rubbing over my skin like sandpaper.
Even so, that strength of feeling soothed some rough spots.
I caught his hands in both of mine.
“You can only do what you can do,” I said quietly.
“I have to withdraw from actively being involved in this investigation. I’m with you. I’m not impartial. It could cause problems down the line.”
Oh, my good guy.
“It’s okay. I get it. You have to do what’s right,” I reminded him. “You’re you. That’s what you do.”
“We’ve got something now, Lilly, and we’re gonna follow it until it leads to answers for you.”
“Honestly, honey, you don’t have to try to make me feel better by making promises you’re worried you can’t keep.”
His fingers tightened around mine. “We’re gonna follow it until it leads to answers, Lillian.”
“Okay, baby,” I whispered.
He stared at me, the heat in his eyes warming my heart.
Then I watched as he wrestled the depth of his emotion under control, the heat turned to a warm glow, and he said, “Let’s make dinner.”
I smiled, leaned in for a kiss, pulled back and agreed, “Let’s make dinner.”