24. The Deep Stuff
TWENTY-FOUR
The Deep Stuff
Lillian
“S o, Stormy. Anyone else?” Harry asked.
We were lying in the dark in my bed, limbs entangled, dogs ignoring their new beds seeing as I knew Smokey lay on the rug beside me, and Lucy and Linus were on the other side by Harry.
Harry liked the salmon farro veggie bowls with spicy ginger, sesame and soy sauce we made (shocker: so did I). While we ate, and after we cleaned up, we watched some cooking shows.
But we went to bed early, even earlier than I would normally, and I was usually in bed with a book by nine.
I knew why now.
We were chatting in the dark about deeper stuff we needed to know, in a safe space for both of us (or at least I hoped Harry thought it was safe).
And Harry was affecting a maneuver to take my mind off other things before I fell asleep.
It wouldn’t work, but the thought was sweet.
“There was a lot of dating,” I told him. “I met someone really nice who I liked a lot once, but he was here on a fishing trip. He lives in Oregon. We did the long-distance thing for nearly a year. Then he met someone closer to home.”
“And he ended it?”
It was so lovely how his question sounded entirely disbelieving, like someone ending things with me was unfathomable to him.
Oh yes, that was very lovely.
“No, he gave me an ultimatum. Either I move there, or he moves on. I wasn’t going to move there…” I blew out a breath, “for obvious reasons.”
See?
No matter what he tried, my mind would circle back to my parents.
“He couldn’t move?” Harry pulled things back on target.
“He could. He was a systems engineer. He worked remote for a company based in San Francisco. He could live anywhere. But he liked where he lived, I liked where I lived, I wasn’t going to leave if my parents might come back, and he exposed the dick within by not getting that. Not to mention, every woman knows, you don’t shake up your entire life and move for a man. I mean, at least not one who hasn’t committed to you. And the whole ‘I found someone else, you better stake your claim or I’ll move on’ thing was totally uncool.” My eyes wandered to the strong column of his throat illuminated by moonlight, and I mumbled, “I think I dodged a bullet with that guy.”
Harry’s hands smoothed up my back. “I know you did.”
I focused on Harry’s hands and silently agreed. Wholeheartedly.
“You?” I asked. Then I dipped my voice, “I mean, outside of Winnie.”
“No one.”
I blinked in the dark. “No one?”
He tightened his arms around me. “No one.”
Was he for real?
I harked back to try to remember when I heard he’d lost his wife.
I wasn’t sure, but I thought it was around eight years ago.
So again…
Was he for real?
“You mean not like anyone to, um…you know, even, uh…clear out the waterworks?”
For a second, he just lay there.
Then he busted out laughing.
I liked the sound. I liked how his doing it felt, his long body in my bed making it shake. I liked just feeling that long body tremble with humor.
But I liked how he automatically tucked me even closer when he did it best of all.
He was still chuckling when he asked, “Clear out the waterworks?”
“I sense you know what I mean,” I replied tartly.
“I know what you mean, sweetheart.”
Yep, still chuckling.
“I thought you guys needed that,” I remarked.
He sobered when he replied, “No. Some guys need women to think we need it so they can play on a woman’s guilt and innate nature to nurture so she’ll give it up to him. Men can go without. Especially those who understand sex is meaningful, they had a relationship that was the most meaningful thing in their lives, and they know anything less would be a pale imitation, mocking what they know they can have if they find the right person. I have the equipment and the imagination to take care of myself in the meantime, and I did.”
There it was.
The perfect scheme to get my mind off all that was happening.
Putting in it visions of Harry’s amazing chest flexing and swelling as he jacked off.
Harry shifted, and I felt his nose skim my jaw until his lips were at my ear.
“I’ll demonstrate for you someday,” he whispered there.
Oh my.
Proof my good guy could be bad.
I shivered, wanting that “someday” to be now.
On that thought, I let my hands roam his skin.
He was so warm and hard everywhere, but his skin was so soft.
Harry settled his head back on the pillows, offering, “I’ll take you there, honey, if you want me to, be happy to do that for you, but I’m not going there.”
My hands stilled. “What if I want to take you there?”
And I did. Big time. Since it felt like I’d been wanting Harry Moran for a lifetime.
But especially now, considering I knew how long it had been for him.
I mean, I pretty much thought he held some sorcery, because he was just that magnificent, but that was a super long wait for anybody.
“I know you want to take me there,” Harry replied. “I hope you know how hard it is to deny letting you do it. But it can’t happen now.”
He pressed into me so I fell to my back and his long, strong body was mostly on top of mine.
“This position doesn’t help, Harry,” I informed him.
Another chuckle, this one lower, sexier, which also didn’t help.
Then he said, “Let’s get you through the next couple of days.”
I huffed.
“If I can make it, you can make it,” he challenged.
“It really is inconvenient, the strong handle you have on your ethics and morals,” I grumbled.
He kissed my neck and said there, “Promise to make it worth it.”
“Again, not helping, Harry Moran,” I told the dark ceiling.
The shadow of his head obscured that view. “You’ve lived too long with questions, now you have an answer. I know how that answer feels, especially considering the permanence of it. The fact there’s nothing you can do to change it. The fact you’d give everything to change it. Now I’m asking you to trust me to navigate you through the worst of it.”
Well, that put a damper on the raging libido ignited by having Harry’s partially clothed body in my bed.
“I’m sorry you lost her,” I whispered.
“I know you are, baby.”
“Even if it means, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry you understand what I’m going through too, losing Winnie, and your mom.”
“I know, Lilly.”
“And I’m not going to think you’re taking advantage,” I assured him. “In fact, I’m worried you’ll think I’m taking advantage of you.”
I watched his shadowed head twitch. “Taking advantage of me?”
“Dragging your uniforms here, your dogs here, sixty pounds of dog food.”
“Lilly—”
“It’s got to be a pain.”
“Am I acting like it’s a pain?”
I thought about it, then said, “No. But you wouldn’t.”
“All right, let’s do this,” he stated in a way, even if I wasn’t sure what “this” was, I was both excited to find out and scared shitless.
I didn’t get the chance to voice my dichotomy of emotions at his announcement.
He “did this.”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be here. Expanding on that, I’m very aware of what’s being communicated that I’m here. If I wasn’t serious about what we’re doing, if I wasn’t into you, if I didn’t want to know you better, if I wasn’t in a place I was ready and willing to put in that work, and aware I was doing it and what I was saying by doing it, I wouldn’t be here. But I’m here, Lillian. My dogs are here. My uniforms are here. My shampoo is here. This is not a hardship. I’m not making a sacrifice. I’m not racking up brownie points. I’m doing what I need to do for a woman I care about who is going through a seriously shit time. You are not taking advantage of me. If we were casual, or I had doubts, or I simply wasn’t sure, believe me, I would not be here. I would not make that statement. But again… I’m here .”
He was there.
Right there.
And I wasn’t breathing.
“Now, are you with me on that?” he demanded.
“Yes,” I wheezed.
“Finally,” he muttered, like he’d been trying to convince me of something for millennia, and it took me that long to believe him.
Therefore, my eyes grew squinty. “You’ll have to cut me some slack. I found you during that seriously shit time. I don’t want you to think I’m some emotional leech or something.”
“My job is dealing with people in their shittiest times,” he reminded me. “I’ve met those kinds of emotional leeches. I know you aren’t that.”
“Well…good, I guess.” I said, like it wasn’t.
His shadowed head angled to the side. “Are we sliding into an argument about how much I like you and am glad we met so I could be here for you, and me knowing you’re not an emotional leech?”
“No.”
But…yeah.
I was still kind of snapping.
“Christ, she wants my dick,” he muttered like I wasn’t there.
“Well…yeah.” Totally still snapping. “Harry, have you seen your body?”
Another moment of stillness before his laughter boomed through the room.
I slapped part of that fabulous body, particularly his pectoral.
“Girls need it too,” I declared.
His face dipped close. “Are you gonna play on my guilt and my innate nature to protect and provide to get yourself some of my cock?”
“Will it work?”
“No.”
I huffed again.
Harry chuckled again but shifted us, so he was on his back, and I was draped down his side (again, this was not making things better!).
His fingers then sifted into my hair, and he started playing.
I was beginning to think he might be a bit of a tease.
Then again, it certainly took my mind off other things.
“Let’s talk about something else,” he suggested.
“Like what?” I asked.
“Whatever you want,” he offered.
“Okay, do you like cats?”
“Yes.”
“But you like dogs better?”
“I’m active and my dogs run with me. I’ve got a little land, and they like roaming it with me. If Smokey was a cat being starved by a useless bitch I’m very glad moved out of my county, he’d be at my house living the good life with someone who gets he needs food and clean litter and love. I don’t like dogs better. They just fit my life better. Do you like cats better?”
“I had to hustle when Mom and Dad left. For the first few years, I had two jobs and was lonely, so I got a cat because I didn’t have the time I needed to devote to training a dog and looking after him.”
It was then I remembered something, with all that was happening, that had totally slipped my mind.
So I shared, “That reminds me. I forgot to tell you Willie called me the other day.”
I found myself suddenly sitting in bed with Harry since he jackknifed up and took me with him.
“What?” he demanded.
“Willie called the other day.”
“When?” he bit off.
“Um…” I tried to remember when he called. “Sunday morning. After our first date. Wait, I mean, our fourth.”
Or was it our third?
I got another moment of silence from Harry, but this one wasn’t a precursor to him laughing, I knew, because the air was heavy and snagged.
“Harry?” I called.
His voice was low and vibrating when he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Someone died in a car accident,” I reminded him.
“Again, why didn’t you tell me?”
“You’d had a shitty day.”
“Four days have elapsed since then.”
“Well, I don’t think I have to mention I then got my own supremely shitty news.”
With another sudden movement, I was on my back again, and Harry was on me.
Full on me this time.
“Okay, honey, I need you to pay close attention,” he started.
Oh, I was paying close attention all right. Having Harry’s weight on me felt amazing .
“Lillian, you with me?” he called.
I forced my focus on him.
No, my focus was totally on him , all of him. So instead, I forced my focus on what he was saying.
“Right here.”
“Never, sweetheart, never , no matter what shit I’m dealing with at work, do you bury shit you’re dealing with. Never keep it from me. Never.”
Oh my God.
Could I take him being more awesome?
“Okay, Harry,” I whispered.
“Do I need to say the word ‘never’ again?” he asked.
“No, Harry,” I promised.
“He called before we found out about your parents,” he noted.
“Yes,” I confirmed.
“What did he say?”
Oh boy.
Harry must have felt my hesitance, because his voice got kind of scary when he repeated, “What did he say?”
“Well, he found out we’re dating, and he was mad.”
“He was mad,” Harry repeated dully, like he didn’t get it.
I knew how he felt.
Ugh!
“He said he was my husband, and we were a thing.”
“But you’re divorced.”
“Very.”
“And it was over after you kicked him out.”
“So over. Totally over. We redefined the word ‘over,’ we were so totally over after I kicked him out.”
Maybe I went a little overboard on that, but nothing in it was untrue.
“He didn’t try to come back?” Harry asked.
“He did. But Shane had graduated from college by then and was home, putting in applications to find a job. He got some of his buddies to go with him to pay Willie a visit. They shared how they felt about Willie bugging me. Shane then found a job and went to California, but his buddies were still in town. They all played football at MP High. In other words, they were guys you didn’t mess with. And although after their visit Willie tried calling and sending flowers and gifts and stuff, eventually, he quit, and I thought it was over.”
“But he doesn’t think it’s over.”
“He said the reason I couldn’t find him to divorce him was so I couldn’t divorce him.”
“And yet he’s been married twice since?”
“That’s what I heard. But I haven’t talked to Willie personally since Shane warned him off.”
“Has he gotten in touch since Sunday?”
“No.”
Harry rolled off me and onto his back.
I turned to my side and got up on my forearm to see him rubbing his face with both hands.
“You seem more upset about this than I was,” I noted worriedly.
He stopped rubbing his face. “If any of the Zowkowers get anywhere near you, I want you to tell me immediately.”
“You’re kind of freaking me out, Harry,” I whispered.
His hand darted out, catching me at the back of my neck and pulling me close.
“That’s the point I’m making. You tell me, I worry about it, and you don’t.”
“I know the Zowkowers are bad news, but I was never a part of that.”
“I know.”
“Willie just probably heard about us, because everyone was talking, and he knows you’re the kind of guy I’d get serious about, so he got territorial, because he’s an idiot.”
“If he knew about me, he’d know about Storm, and this didn’t happen then?”
I sighed. “Harry, everyone knows what Angelica did to Stormy. So everyone knows it’s going to take a while for him to get over that and trust women again, if he ever does. With him, I fell into the trap of ‘I can fix him, I’ll show him how awesome I am, and he’ll get it.’ Needless to say, he didn’t get it.”
Harry swept his thumb out to stroke the side of my neck.
“We’re getting into a lot of deep shit tonight, baby, but unfortunately, the time picked itself.”
Oh Lord.
“What?” I asked.
“I don’t want to freak you.”
Oh Lord!
“What?” I breathed.
“I know myself,” he announced.
“Okay,” I said when he said no more.
“For me, this is a lot more than I’m into you and I want to get to know you better. I’ve processed through both of those. For me, the man I am, the woman you are, what’s happening to you, I’m your man, and you are my woman.”
I stopped breathing.
You are my woman .
Oh Lord .
“So,” he went on, sounding vaguely uncomfortable, “your ex-husband dicking with you at all would get a rise out of me. This happening right before you found out about your parents triggers something in me that’s a bit more extreme.”
“W-what’s that?” I asked.
“Remember I mentioned that nature to provide and protect?”
I nodded.
“Well, the protect part goes into overdrive.”
And…
There it was.
I knew.
I knew before.
Way before.
I mean, Harry Moran was gorgeous, but it wasn’t that.
Everyone knew he worked twice as hard when he worked for Dern, because he tried to do good in the face of bad. And everyone knew he still kept working twice as hard to prove the Dern tenure was over and people could trust the sheriff and his team.
Everyone also knew how much he’d loved his wife, even before he was forced to grieve her.
Everyone knew everything about the man who was Harry Moran.
And all of that was why I had a crush on him.
Because…
Because…
He was my dad.
Harry was his own unique version of the man Simon Rainier was.
A simple man, but that didn’t quite cover the facts that he was a good man, a smart man, a noble man, a thoughtful man, a man who had a deep capacity to love.
In other words, my dad.
And the minute I clapped eyes on Harry, just like my mom, I knew he was the man for me.
I just had to wait until he was ready.
And now he was ready.
So now, what he was saying was, like my dad was when he met my mom, Harry was mine .
I’d found it, what I was looking for.
I’d found what they had.
Oh dang.
I was going to cry again.
I shoved my face in his throat.
He wrapped both arms around me, and I felt him lift his head so he could say in my hair, “I don’t want to scare you with that. That’s just where I’m at. We’re still going to go slow.”
“I’m not scared,” I said into his skin. “I just don’t know how to deal with all I’ve lost and all I’ve gained all at the same time.”
His arms around me spasmed.
I turned my head so I could rest my cheek on his shoulder and snaked my arm around his flat belly. “I’ll tell you if Willie or any of the Zowkowers contact me.”
“Okay, Lilly,” he murmured.
“This is it, isn’t it?” I whispered, hope heavy in my tone.
He knew what I was asking, I knew with how tight he held me before he loosened his hold.
“This is it, sweetheart. You okay with that?”
I hadn’t been okay for sixteen years.
Now, I knew they were gone and would never come back, not really. Just what was left of them would.
But I was more than okay.
And they would be okay, knowing how okay I was.
“So okay, we’re redefining the word okay with how okay I am,” I said.
I felt his body relax.
“I wish you knew them,” I whispered.
“I wish I did too,” he returned my whisper.
“I think Maddie’s right. Ronnie told me all she has planned for them, and it’s perfect. I think when it happens, it’ll help a lot.”
“Rus was worried she was too forthright. They try to encourage that with her, but sometimes it’s the wrong time.”
“She wasn’t too forthright. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and if we’d just listen, we’d know it.”
“Yeah.” He caught a lock of my hair and started twirling it. “You want kids?”
Oh, we were definitely getting into the deep stuff.
“Yeah.”
“How many?”
“Two, maybe three. You?”
“Two.” He tugged playfully on my hair. “Maybe three.”
I smiled against his shoulder.
“Boys? Girls? You care?” I asked.
“Healthy,” he answered.
And there I was…
So, so deep.
And it was warm and safe down there with Harry, not exposed and alone with the storms of life buffeting me at random.
I wondered if Mom felt like this the entire time she had Dad, but even wondering, I knew she did.
I knew something else too.
They’d worry about me. They’d hate to leave me.
But they went together, and I knew into my soul there was peace in that for them, because neither of them had to live without the other for more than instants.
And I found peace with that.
It didn’t mean I was at peace with how they were taken.
But there was peace in that.
More peace came when Harry spoke again.
“Though, I’d want them in sports, no matter the gender,” he went on. “Or some extracurricular activity. Definitely there will be a strict limit on screentime.”
“Totally. They need to be outside. Or doing something. Music or crafts or whatever.”
“Yeah.”
We were oh-so deep, and we stayed deep, talking about kids, how Harry liked how close to his work my house was, how he wasn’t tied to his, even if he grew up there, because of all that he’d lost there.
We talked about giving it a little time, and cleaning out my parents’ room together, and redoing it, so we could lay them to rest in my house too.
We talked about me meeting his dad, his brother, his sister-in-law and his niece and nephew. We further talked about how cute that niece and nephew were.
We talked about how he’d meet the only brother and sister I’d ever had, Shane and Sherise, because they were coming up for the memorial.
We talked until I got drowsy, and Harry turned into me so we were both on our sides, he was snuggling me close and murmuring, “Go to sleep, baby.”
So that was when he stopped talking, because I did as Harry asked, and within moments, I fell fast asleep.