Chapter Sixteen #3
“It was the next flight to somewhere with a beach. And the resort was the first one I found that took points. Almost point-bankrupted me. I still haven’t recovered.” I laughed. So did Alec.
“That’s… how was it? Was it nice, at least?”
“I guess? But after what happened, and all the happy couples around, it just made me feel like shit. Want to know the worst part?”
“Very much.”
“I only got to sit on the beach for like an hour, in the shade, and not even in a lounge chair. It was fucking awful.”
“You know what, that makes me feel better.” He laughed so hard he put his drink down to keep from spilling.
“Thanks, asshole,” I said, laughing in mock offense. “It was a dark time for me.”
“Me too. But I bet mine was worse.”
“How so?”
“I just pictured you sleeping with dozens of people. Guys, girls, young, old, hot, ugly—didn’t matter. After rejecting the idea of a serious relationship, I was sure your bed would be a carousel.”
“It wasn’t,” I laughed. “But there was a spring break type place right next door. I looked, but nothing interested me.”
“Can’t blame you. I didn’t even look at my dick for a month.” We laughed, but my cheeks heated at the mention of his dick. “I hope you at least had some fun.”
“I did not.” I laughed.
“It can’t have been all bad? The scenery had to be beautiful?”
“Whatever you’re picturing in your mind, trust me, it was ten times worse. I met this guy who…”
I didn’t think of Chucky often, but when I did, it made me sick.
What would have happened if he had been alone at the bar that morning?
What if I got a buzz and couldn’t see him for what he was?
Or realize the depths of his flawed worldview?
I might never have seen the difference between solitude and self-obsessed isolation.
And I wouldn’t have been sitting there talking to Alec, that’s for damn sure.
“You met a guy? I thought you didn’t sleep with anyone? Or were you like me and failed to close?”
He was being flippant. I didn’t know how to respond, other than to recoil at the suggestion of having sex with Chucky.
“Ew, no.” I grimaced, making Alec laugh. “We just talked one night. He had some fucked-up viewpoints that I almost agreed with.”
“Almost?” His brow rose. “What were they?”
“Nah. Just like… he was this eternal bachelor who said he didn’t need anyone. But I realized he didn’t crave freedom. He was just self-involved. And then I realized that’s what I was. Selfish and scared.”
“I wouldn’t say that. You were just immature, and it was wrong of me to do what I did. The whole situation was so fucked up, and that’s all my fault.”
“It wasn’t fucked up, Alec, and it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I was scared, childish, and selfish. Which isn’t even half of it. It was a lot of work to process the shittiness—the situation and in myself. But trust me, there’s lots left to process.”
“What shit have you processed so far? I feel like I moved into a waste treatment plant a year ago.”
I laughed. Alec chuckled. I said, “Being in love with a man for the first time. Being in love for the first time, full stop. Deep stuff about myself, what and who I want to be. What I want my future to look like. It was a lot.”
“Yeah, those were some big ones for me, too.” He chuckled. “More than you know.”
“I can maybe guess. You left a note.” We laughed.
“Was it that bad when you got home? I almost left the airport three times. I wanted to rip up the letter and have a face-to-face conversation with you. But I told myself if I saw you again, and we made up, it would just delay the unavoidable. And ending things after making a life together would be my marriage all over again. But worse, since my feelings for you are much stronger.”
His feelings are much stronger?
I inhaled. “I came back early, ready to be in a relationship, but you were gone. It was the worst thing I’d ever been through. No one had ever broken my heart before. It sucks, just saying.”
After half a beat and a sad smile, he said, “I’m sorry, Mason.
It pains me to know I hurt you, but I know the feeling.
When you left, it was the lowest I’d ever been.
Not even my wife telling me she needed me to move out so she could fuck other guys hurt as bad.
I wallowed and then realized I had to go.
It was fated to end in heartbreak. I saw that and figured it would be best to rip the band-aid off and start over. ”
“We could’ve worked if I wasn’t such an asshole. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
We let the air go quiet. After too long, Alec said, “Yeah, uh…” he gave me a sad smile. “You were that for me, too.”
“Alec…” We stared at each other. “Why haven’t you slept with anyone else? I know why I haven’t.”
His apprehension was in clear contrast to my stubborn perseverance. “Why’s that?” he asked despite himself.
“Because it’s not over for me…”
Alec stared at me, more of those untold emotions crossing his face in tiny ways only I could see.
Epochs passed. He removed his glasses and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees.
His gaze fell, and then his head. It hung between his shoulders as he shook it.
When he looked up, even I couldn’t read him.
“Mason… We can’t. I can’t. It would… It wouldn’t—”
“Do you still have feelings for me?”
His eyes closed in pain. “This is why I didn’t want to come here.”
“Answer me. You once asked me a similar question, and I told you the truth when I didn’t even know it myself.”
I could’ve been holding his hand to hot iron by how he glared at me. “Yes.”
I knew it. Was there ever any doubt? Even if he looked to be tortured, he still had feelings for me. I suppressed a smile and kicked my glee square in the nuts.
Strangled and restrained, I said. “Then let’s not end it. Spend the night, and we can figure it out in the morning.”
“We… can’t do that. We shouldn’t.” His pain was fleeing, but still clear. “And we won’t.”
“Why not? I miss you, Alec. All of you. I know you miss me, too. You’ve said so.”
“Missing someone and wanting them back are two different things.”
That hurt, and my face matched his. I had felt pathetic before, but hope staved it off. As it died, embarrassment grew. But I was in so deep, it didn’t matter.
“I love you, Alec. More and deeper than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything.
You still make me dizzy and weak in the knees, and I’ve thought about you every day since we met.
You’re my person. If I don’t have you, I’d rather have no one.
That’s okay, it is what it is, but if we don’t leave this bar together, I need to know that I gave it my all.
One hundred percent effort, like you always used to say.
We were happy when things were fucked up.
We could be even happier knowing—choosing—each other. ”
“Christ, Mason.” He laughed out of nowhere.
“Jesus.” He shook his head at me, his smile fading.
“I can’t do that. Let myself feel that again.
I’ve not been honest with you. I crumbled to dust when I left—I had nothing and no one.
The lowest a man can go and still function. I won’t let it happen ever again.”
“We can try, Alec. We can make it work.”
“We can’t, and we won’t. Because if I let what’s inside out, it will never stop. We’ll go and go and go until we destroy each other.”
“I’d rather be destroyed by you than live without trying.”
“Mason…” he searched my face, “don’t make this harder than it has to be, man. What if we just had sexual chemistry and nothing more? What if we were in a spot in our lives, professionally and personally, that allowed us to be happy, but without it, we just don’t work?”
“You’re right. The future is ambiguous. We could fail, or we could thrive. Isn’t it better to give it a shot? Otherwise, we’ll leave this bar and never speak again unless it’s for work. Is that what you want?”
“It doesn’t have to be that way.”
“It will, and you know it. But we can try. What’s there to lose? What’s worth more than a chance at happiness?”
His mouth hung open searching my face until he started laughing. Slowly at first, it built into a hysteria. “Hiring you was the best decision FinCrest ever made.”
“Thanks.”
He sat back and ran a hand down his face, wiping away the deranged smile. He glared at me, then looked away.
“Goddamn it, Mason.”
Alec exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose. His jaw tensed and released. His eyes bore into me.
“Fine.” His voice was rough. “No promises, nothing concrete or serious. But… you’re right. There’s no way I’m leaving here without you.”
Joy burst through me, fire in my lungs, and starlight in my soul. My eyes watered, and my throat closed. I wanted to fling myself on him and kiss his lips raw. But I kept my composure.
I said, “Come downstairs with me. Right now.”
Alec looked exhausted. Gone through the ringer, and far from sharing my elation. He glared at me again, but the corner of his lip curled.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I doubt Deven wants to watch us do whatever you have in mind while on the phone with his girlfriend.”
“Fuck, I forgot about him.”
“I hope you don’t forget about your Jr. Rep. too often, Blackwood.”
Blackwood…
“Uh, no, I don’t,” I said.
“My place isn’t far, however.”
“Seriously?”
His stare could melt me, kill me, or arouse me. The one he gave me did all of those and more. He said nothing as he stood.
I sat still for a moment, frozen under his eye, but smiled when his brow twitched. He said, “C’mon Blackwood.”
With a deep breath, I stood to follow him but stopped myself from saying, Yes, sir.